Hello everyone,
I've been dealing with anxiety regarding hiv for a few weeks now and I could use some support, because I just can't calm myself down. I think the reason for my anxiety is, that I started to date my ex-boyfriend again who cheated on me several times during our relationship (and sometimes he didn't even use protection). He lives a promiscuous lifestyle which isn't bad at all, but knowing that he used to sleep with women he barely knew and didn't use protection makes me very anxious. Unfortunately I still have feelings for him. At the same time I'm feeling so guilty and stupid. We met a few times now during the past months, we kissed and I gave him handjobs. Nothing else happened, but I started to develop this huge anxiety regarding hiv. Sometimes I think that I must be punished somehow for being so stupid and giving him a chance again and that I deserve to get hiv. So in the past few weeks I've been constantly worrying about no-risk-scenarios like kissing or giving a handjob, although I don't even have an evidence, that he is indeed hiv positive. In my head I simply assume it because of his previous promiscuous lifestyle. I spend my days looking for symptoms and everytime I notice something strange on my body I totally freak out. I already did a few hiv tests which always were negative, but as I am still seeing him there is always something new to worry about. At the moment I'm worrying about giving him a handjob whilst having a wound on my thumb 2 weeks ago. I already talked about it in the hiv prevention section of this forum.
Is there anyone here who also suffers from hiv related anxiety? Or is there maybe even someone who managed to overcome this anxiety?
Every advice is greatly appreciated!
STIs, including HIV, are the same as any other pathogen, and they just do their biological thing, and reproduce and spread. They act just like strep throat, covid, the flu, etc. They aren't moral or karmic statements, they aren't capable of determining someone's worth, and have no ability to determine if you are making good life decisions.
Your issue isn't HIV, necessarily, but that you think you deserve something bad bad because you are making bad decisions. HIV is the way that's manifesting.
Right now, you have feelings for a guy who might not be the best guy for you, and maybe low self-esteem. As specialmom has said, working with a counselor and a psychologist would be a great idea.