Cleaning up the wreckage..... Journals
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Cleaning up the wreckage.......

Apr 22, 2014 - 13 comments

My husband has been clean from methadone, Xanax and alcohol for four years on February 25, 2014.
For this I am eternally grateful.

His relapse lasted 14 horrible and dreadful years. These are years we will never get back.
Years that my children didn't have their father. I didn't have my husband.
Years that our marriage, relationships within our immediate family were breaking down and not getting nurtured.
Things happened that can never get taken away. Things that are forever written and stamped upon
mine and my children's hearts, minds, souls and spirits.
Things got lost along the way. Love, companionship, trust, plans for the future, finances, shattered dreams , friendship, our marriage.
Words that were  spoken. Hateful, angry, hurtful, sad, resentful, words.
Words that weren't spoken, I love you, I support you, I trust you, I need you, let me help you, I am sorry.

You know how it goes. In the beginning, he only used a little. He hid it pretty well until the last 5 or 6 years.
Then it progressed to full blown, nodding in his soup addiction. He always worked, very high functioning. Our business started to suffer. He wouldn't finish jobs on time. I wouldn't see the money from the jobs.
Well over the $200,000 through the years.
This is money we don't have saved for college tuitions, savings accounts.
We basically live week to week at 57 and 60 years old.
We sold our larger home that we owned for 15 years when we separated in 2009.
We couldn't get a new mortgage when he got out of rehab in 2010 because our credit was horrible.
We live in a beautiful shore town, but a much smaller home that needs work.

I was substitute teaching for the last 7 years. My daughter called the police on me in August 2012.
I tried to stop her from leaving so she could go get high. I was arrested and charged with aggravated
assault. The officer said I poked his chest and assaulted him by saying he didn't care about my family.
So as a result of that I can no longer substitute teach.

I many times feel bad about myself. That I have no career. I don't contribute to the household finances at
this point. I feel no self- worth. I think some of it comes from my husband yelling at me, bad mouthing,
belittling me during his active addiction. At 57 I don't think I have the energy, finances or motivation to go back to school.

During those years of his active addiction I stayed, praying, hoping, believing that he would stop.
The word divorce didn't come up very often.
I begged, pleaded, cried for him to get help.
I kept the faith.
I didn't want my children to come from a broken home.
The reality is, our home was very broken.
Lots of fighting, anger, dysfunction.

When we married, we agreed I would stay home, take care of the home and the children.
Take care of the paperwork for our electrical contracting business.
We went on the have three children. I had a son from a previous marriage and was widowed at 29.
(That's a story for another time.)

I have a college degree. A Bachelors of Arts in Dance. I had always taught. I was also an Aquatics Director.
I was certified through the American Red Cross to teach swimming, lifeguard training, first aid, CPR.
I did this for 25 years starting at the age of 17 til I was 42..
So I had worked part time in our marriage for the first 8 years.
When his relapse happened I no longer would leave the children with him.
So I let my certifications lapse.

Now what is left is the destruction and wreckage that was created during his active addiction.

I believe at this point that I have forgiven. I am not bitter, resentful, angry, sad, hurt, on a continually daily
basis. It just pops up sometimes, like I relapse.
My family has been healing and being restored.

I mourn what we don't have. A close marriage, him as my best friend.
A productive, healthy life and marriage or ministry.
He was called into ministry when he first got clean from heroin at 30 years old.
He went to bible college, became a licensed minister.
He then went on to become the director of a Christian men's drug and alcohol program.
This is where he was when we met at church.
He then started working full time in our business when we married.
The ministry couldn't support us at the time.

When I told him yesterday I was thinking of getting a divorce, he was very cavalier about it.
Almost pressuring to make a decision right then. He said I haven't forgiven him and am living in the past.
I don't think that I am. I want my feelings to be validated. He said he acknowledges that his addiction did do
all the things I said, but we can't go back.

I didn't look for or find medhelp until he went into rehab in January 2010. If I had known what I know now.
I don't believe I would have let it go on for so long. I wouldn't have enabled him.
I wouldn't have fought with him.
I would have left because he didn't until the very end.
I kept his dirty little secret and sin within our camp.
I didn't expose it to family and friends.
I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia back in November. Maybe much of my sadness is coming from that.
I was on lyrica for 5 months. It made me gain weight. I didn't think it was helping me.
I tapered off and stopped taking it 10 days ago.
I feel achy, tired and sad again.
I guess the lyrica was working. The rheumatologist wants me to take Cymbalta now.
I am going to try homeopathic first I think.

I can't provide for my myself and my children. He isn't making enough money to support us separately.
I will pray. I am trying to determine what I can do that is meaningful and to also make some money doing it.
I feel I would be a great counselor, but the schooling and then the internship would take too long.
To get my teaching certificate would take one year of intensive schooling and $40,000, so that is out.
I don't want to take my children and live with my mom.

Thank you for all of your support on my status. It really did help me. Please continue to pray for me.
I need to find a solution to my fibro, my sadness, the baggage and regrets from our past life.
I am keeping the faith.
I will continue to move forward.
I will go for counseling.
I will continue to be part of medhelp. I love you and I am very grateful for the support and love I receive.
Those that have reached out to me are the ones I can count on, Thank you.

Much love,