Please help. This needs to stop, and I need help.

[CanadianRunner]

I'm writing this out of...shame.  Out of despair.  Out of anger towards myself for not taking care of my body.  I'm a marathon runner who had a serious achilles tendon injury about six years ago.  I was prescribed hydrocodone.  I am still taking it.  If I may, I will tell you a little about my relationship with this drug...

For starters, I work in fitness.  I preach healthy living, clean diet, exercise.  I never ever thought I would end up with a drug problem.  But my anxiety...my depression...my obsession with exercise and body weight all contributed to what is now a relationship with this drug.  The first time I tried it, all of my feelings of low self-esteem and just...never being comfortable in my own skin...those feelings disappeared.  I remember thinking (after taking my prescribed dose) 'I feel no pain in my heel, but wow...I also feel great about life'...I was naive to this drug.  I didn't want to do physical therapy at the time because I was afraid I would be told to stop running (not gonna happen) or stop working out so much (again, not gonna happen).  In the beginning, my anxiety and depression were lifelong illnesses that I didn't know much about treating, and then I discovered exercise during high school.  It is true, that working out does release endorphins that boost your self-confidence and just feeling better about yourself.  Then the injury came along, and in order to keep working out as much, I needed this drug.  All this led to a cycle I am currently in, and I'm sick of it.  

I compare my relationship to hydrocodone to a romance.  I fell in love six years ago.  Then that love kind of hit a plateau - the honeymoon was over, 'take one as needed' wasn't enough anymore.  Now I needed 2 a day.  Then 3.  Then 6.  At this point, it's no longer doing anything for me physically, but there's this feeling of...security?  I feel like I have to have it because this drug has always been there for me, unconditionally, whether it was there in a good way or not.  But at this point, it's no longer giving me that euphoria or happiness that I have seemed to be in search of all my life.  Socially I've always felt awkward.  Being gay does not help.  I have never met anyone special and (likely due to the low percentage the gay population represents) it's hard to even imagine falling in love.  Working out and pain pills filled that void.  

My question to any of you who've experienced what I have - there has to be someone who knows what I'm talking about...what do I do now?  When I go to the doctor, I know this sounds funny, but I feel like I'm trying to score cocaine in some downtown alley.  I feel like he's 'on to me'.  But at the same time, I know that hydrocodone isn't doing it anymore for me.  I want to get off of it.  I want to be free from this dependence.  I have two fills left, and I think those two fills would give me enough time to learn how to taper off slowly, gradually, until I don't crave or need them anymore.  I would like to know how you did it, and what life is like now.  I watch 'Intervention' all the time and see people who are addicted to all these drugs.  Some episodes I can completely relate to, and while I would be scared to death to go to a treatment centre, I would love to have supportive people all around me to help me get through this.  Problem is, I'm a closet pain pill user.  People in my life would never in a million years think I would do this.  The internet is going to have to be my meeting space in terms of positive messages and help.  

Thanks.

[Rikki68]

I know what you are going thru..... I blew out 3 discs in my neck.... Doc say all 3 need to be removed! Well du to ****** Insurance that has not been an option over the last 2 years or so.... And so MY ROMANCE with Hydro began...... Innocent. I was....AM in SEVERE pain..... 4 a day was great...... No pain and I too noticed that I was ..or I thought I was.... HAPPY! So if 4 are good 6 MUST BE BETTER! Right?? And if six are good.......... and on and on........and on..... I was doing 10 to 12 Hydros per day on average..... But after a rough 2010 and a serious trend of abuse with the Hydros I KNEW I WAS AN ADDICT....... So I made the choice to quit...... I tapered about 50 down to 3...... DID NOT TAKE THE LAST 3 then quit COLD. That was 10 days ago......... Im not going to lie bro...... Its MISERY. But YOU HAVE TO WANT THIS...... It will TEST YOUR OUTER LIMITS.... As for tapering....... The general idea is IF YOU HAD THAT DISCIPLINE....... YOU WOULD NOT BE ADDICTED..... And I believe that likely correct...... Taper a bit IF YOU MUST........ But sooner or later its time to have ZERO. Its no fun........... Getting off a Drug Like Hydro Codone Is No Joke..... Its sad that we ever let it get to this point...... But we did......... You are a fitness freak correct??? Well summons that spirit....... And apply it to getting that JUNK out of your body.......... FOREVER...... YOU CAN DO IT.
Like NIKE SAYS......... JUST DO IT!

[lovinlyfe06]

hello,
i know alot of people who are in your position only problem is they are not ready to let go... I had a similar problem, I was addicted to cocoaine.. no one but a few friends knew i was addicted and the only reason they knew bcz they were doing it with me... i was scared into quiting, easter morning 2 years ago (the night before i did 3gms to myself) I went to church with my family came home kicked my boyfriend out for no reason what so ever and im madly in love with him! kicked him out left to go do another 4gms came home hours later realized what i had done and promised myself never to do it again.. tho long story short i have done 3-4 other times after that incident and its still hard to think about without craving for a line...

I really think you have to be stong willed to quit! talk to your doctor he can help!!! good luck and i hope things get better for you!!!