Hi I've been thinking about you and your son and how I deal with my son. The main thing is if he's having a meltdown to make sure he's safe things like rather than restraining him I try put pillows ect in the way so he doesn't hurt his head or fists ect this gives him the chance to calm down without feeling he's being confronted. I try getting him in his room where others are safe and few things that he can hurt himself this is easier said than done. The next is probably the most effective getting him to drink water out of a sports bottle the sacking and swallowing actually cuts off the anger part of the brain. It might take a while to get him to drink it but it will bring him down pretty quickly once he does.
You probably have your own coping strategies and know what works. I try not to focus on the negative as autistic kid's don't usually understand that the behaviour that we see as unacceptable isn't normal behaviour and this is why most people just see a naughty child especially adhd or asburgers as at a glance the look and sound like any other child. It might be an idea too speak to the school see if they have any coping strategies that he's responding too it might help you if you can fit it in your home routine. Hopefully some of this is helpful to you good luck and remember you're doing a brilliant job even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes!!
I have a 13 yr son with asburgers and struggling to find anything that is helpful. I'm actually fighting to get him into a special needs school as he's completely out of control he's just got so bad as he's so easily led he's steeling, smoking telling lies constantly being excluded from school because his behaviour getting him in trouble then has meltdown and he's not allowed to have break or dinner with the other kid's also not allowed on school trips. he's not even going to do sats because of the meltdown. At home he's hitting me (I'm disabled) his nan and sister as well as headbutting walls doors nd floors he punished himself so hard last week he's got a black eye. He's been in therapy since the age of 3. It's like a war zone I can't control. I can't give any advice but do wonder if meanstream schools are any good at all for autistic kid's the school I want is over an hour drive away but only looking after autistic kid's surely there should be more help for people like us my lifestyle is a normal working background in a nice area so it's not our parenting skills why can't people see that! Good luck with it and it would be nice to hear how it works out for you from a understanding parent who would do anything to know what to do Xx
Parenting is a really rough gig. I have a son with sensory integration disorder (AD/HD's cousin). Our OT said to me when he was much younger that this is the way you want it. Being out of control at home IS preferable to out of control at school. :)) We love them and can deal with the issues and work to make it better. School doesn't handle it as well. PLUS, they told me that it happens often at home too because it is a kid's safe place. They hold it together all day at school and then just let it loose at home. It's hard on us but that makes sense to me.
Sandman has give ideas and advice. I love his thoughts on things because he really gets kids like yours and mine. Hang in there. I don't have the answers. 12 is tricky and I'm sure you worry about escalating issues with lying and stealing as he gets older. But he also may become more reasonable as he gets older. My child has, a couple years older than yours. He doesn't want to have a fit. It doesn't feel good or look good for a teenager. And he is 'aware'. So, he's much more into talking it out now. (which takes patience on my part at times).
Do you tie all 'good things' to appropriate behavior (tv, video game time, friends, etc.)? I would. And I'd really work on positive reinforcement. Catch him doing anything right. And when he has a fit next time . . . ask him what is wrong? give him a hug. Often my son's fits are because he doesn't feel right and that hug says that I get it and want him to feel right. It defuses everything. :>) Hang in there!
I don't know if this is going to make you feel any better, but what you are going through - while very difficult for you - is not unusual for parents of kids with adhd.
My first thought is that if he is doing ok in school, then perhaps his time release meds are wearing off by the time he gets home and thats one reason things break down. Also its not unusual for kids with adhd to really struggle to hold it together at school and then when they get home, they fall apart. Anyway, it is common for some kids to take a short release (4 hour) med when they get home. Or talk with you doc about increasing his dose so that it last longer, or perhaps try another one. Vyvannse, for example can last 12 hours and is a much smoother release.
You mentioned lying, as a major problem. And that is very common. What you need to remember is that the lying is not the problem. It is what causes the lying that needs to be addressed. The link I give below has many good articles on kids with adhd and lying. I think you will find it very helpful. The very first article, "The truth about your child's lying" is very good. The link is ..... https://www.additudemag.com/?s=lying
The next link is a different parenting style that you might want to consider trying. And if nothing else, the reason why the parent switched to this style helps explain what is going on.
The link is......https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-praise-positive-parenting/?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=parent_march_2019&utm_content=030919&goal=0_d9446392d6-afdb7bed95-288363009
The final link is one like the first link that has many different articles on discipline/parenting etc. I am sure you will also find some good resources in it.
The link is......https://www.additudemag.com/category/parenting-adhd-kids/behavior-discipline/
I hope these help you! If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask!! Best wishes.