Am I alone? Is there something wrong with me?

[Gillyhurts]

I recently joined and offered advice to someone detailing some things I went through as a child. I won't go through what I wrote down except one thing. Most likely from one week old, definitely till I was in kindergarten, I was being molested by my godfather . I explained in my post that I wanted to die. Age 3 to 6 most memorable. My mother said she had the hardest time keeping me away from toxic chemicals. I was always trying to ingest them. I have a feeling my mother eventually knew, because at 5 I got very ill with chicken pox and she left me alone everyday, instead of going to my godparents. I never had contact with them again. I was treated differently from my older sister and brother. They were a family and I was always sent off to my Grannies place for the summer, which I loved because I knew she wanted me there. At home, I was always treated like a freak. When someone knew was introduced to me, I would grab my Dads leg and hind behind it. I can still hear them ask him " what's wrong with her? ". I never felt comfortable with anybody. Always feeling like I was a huge mistake. I knew I wasn't wanted. Then over the years, after begging my mom to just tell me I was adopted, or something to explain my treatment. My dad who used to be an affectionate father, turned into a man who could not stand to be in the same room as me. If I was there, he would turn right around and leave the room. I was 13, and never did anything wrong. I never felt welcome in my own home.
After listening to my mom talk over the years, I gathered up some puzzle pieces. She found out her IUD dislodged into her uterus. She told me on several occasions that I was supposed to be a twin. When I got pregnant with my first child, she said I can get my womb scrapped, and that she had this done.
I always wondered if when she found out she was pregnant, she had the procedure, but the doctor only got one of us. My siblings also made me know that I wasn't supposed to be born. They are much older than me, so they would know.
I never felt like part of the family, just a mistake. My life is compounded with guilt. Yes, a lot of that could be due to the molestation, but feeling I should be dead? There are countless (so sadly) of people who are molested, that have no thoughts of wanting to be dead. I even told my mom, if I die, throw my remains in the garbage, and was totally serious. As usual she had no reaction to this, in fact there was an instance after finding out my husband was cheating on me and emptied out my bank accounts, left to raise 2 autistic children on my own with no money, I called her. I was completely lost and told her I wanted to take my own life. She then said "I have to let you go!". I knew I had absolutely no one in my life who cared and I couldn't leave my boys with that. They are what keeps me going, though I wish she never had me, and it's not my fault that she did, I have two beautiful boys, who love me and need me.

[RockRose]

Gillyhurts,  best wishes. I really don't understand your story,  but pray for healing for you.  

[Nighthawk61]

I too was called a "mistake" , and was totally unwanted as a child, and ran havoc in my life, but one day i got up and decided that i would not let another day go by that i did not enjoy because i didn't want them to win. I wanted to take back what was mine, my right to live a peaceful journey. And i had lots of sexual abuse going on as a result of my childhood. It's hard to ger over, yes, but there are ways of accepting that it was not you that instigated it, and we cannot suffer for the mistakes of others, The instigators must carry that burden. Could you write your story out, cutting and pasting, and consider giving it to a therapist?

[Nighthawk61]

I've read all your posts dear woment , and i'm not saying that it was not terrible that you were molested, but here is help for you too, and you have said that you have been to therapists but have not mouthed the words, so i'm thinking that with all the opportunity you've had to get help, it is you that is refusing the help. And your kids suffer if you do not gain freedom from the past.

, I'm glad that you have been able to get it all out, but what i'm saying is that it's time for you to let the pain and sadness go out from your life, and learn then to enjoy the here and now.  

You could write your story and have a therapist read it  and then maybe find some relief from a professional. Can you do that?

If you cannot say the words of what's gone on it your life, you should write them to a therapist.

[Gillyhurts]

I apologize, you did not read my initial post. So you don't know my story. This was the only place I felt I could get everything out. No therapist, and psychiatrist, could I mouth the words. I felt guilt, due to being told I was a mistake by my family, but I meant my above message for you. That's why I asked you to read it.
I doesn't matter anymore, but don't ever say that I didn't accept help. I been in therapy since 15. And for some reason you focus on my parents, yes they we awful, but I think the molestations and rapes were a big part of why I feel so much guilt.
But I thank you for your words. I so very happy to leave now. You convinced me that humanity is dead. I think I did help other people. Hopefully I won't be judge to harshly.

[Nighthawk61]

I will not "read above", Unfortunately, your case is much the same as any other where people have been hurt by their caregivers and  supposed loved ones. As you have said "you don't have friends, because it's too much of  a burden on them. They want to help, but they can't" Bottom line is that you are resistant to learning how to  not let your past control your present and future.

I don't understand what you mean by "I can only take on so much guilt"... are you saying you feel guilty for not accepting the help that people continue to try to give you?

[Gillyhurts]

Thank you, but you should know my kids are adults now, although the youngest I will have to care for till I'm not around. And I must admit that I don't have friends because it's easier. It's too much of a burden on them. They want to help, but they can't. I can only take on so much guilt.
Please read above.

[Gillyhurts]

My Dad died. My Mother is still alive, and I still have to deal with this. As I said previously, you need to read the full story. Most of it is layed out in my first post.
I had to live with being a sexual implement from birth till I was 5. None of this was done by a family member, but by a caretaker. My mother said she had the hardest time keeping me from ingesting poisonous chemicals. And my earliest memories are of trying to kill myself with oven cleaner. I can't remember my age, it was below 5, I just remember saying " I want to go home, I want to go home." I was angry that I didn't die.
I believe I was a mistake. I was told so. I was treated so. And I feel guilty for being here. I tried to end it many times. At 16, I should have died. I took the amount of pills that I needed. Took them on a Friday night, woke up Sunday night. Did my parents care where I was?
I beg God to take my life and let someone who is dying, live. I doesn't make sense to me. He won't do it. People who are loved and make a difference pass, and I'm still here. It's not right!

[Nighthawk61]

I'm so glad that your boys are doing well, and that you've maintained such a loving home for them. You sound like you are a GREAT MOTHER...

The kind of healing i'm talking about has nothing to do with your kids, although i understand fully what Rock Rose has said, on some level your kids know something has hurt their mom. The kind of healing that you need is for you. The friends that you can make on your journey are for you. Your kids will like it if they can know that you have made friends. Just as you are happy to hear that they have made friends. I think that is what Rock Rose meant. and i think she's right. You don't have to be angry anymore. You can do something to help yourself, but it will take action on your part,. Can you please consider getting the book at least ?

[Nighthawk61]

All i know is this. If i let my parent's continue to haunt my life and use me as a pawn, they won. It's not like they're up there in heaven being heathens I doubt. I believe that upon entering the next phase of existence, they became well aware of their shortcomings, and were duly ashamed and sorry for what they have done, by not dealing with their shortcomings on earth and making amends. If they could make amends to you now, i'm almost 100% sure that they would. Does that make any difference to you? Can you not imagine how sorry they are , now that they are on the other side? I think you need to face this and not bury how you're feelings, but i think you need to try by going to the meetings i talked about . You said nothing when i commented about the group Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families.. I got to the point in my own life, that i was not going to let others who have harmed me in the past own me in my present. And i was rewarded with a loving partner. The universe reached out to me and gave me something in return for my opening myself up to certain understandings or philosophies. Maybe it can help you too. It feel so freeing to not be mad anymore. It CAN happen, even in the worst cases.
I pray for this for you. Only because i was helped myself.

THANK YOU ROCK ROSE FOR THE SUGGESTION OF READING

Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  

I pray that you give peace a chance, and pick up a copy of this book. I also have another title for you, but for now, i think it would be very healing if you could only give it a chance and get this book. Please don't think that your hate will satisfy you as much as understanding might. You can learn to forgive the human condition and let go of your hatred. I felt as you did, until I put in the effort to get away from those thoughts.It was so hard to carry that weight all those years, and so freeing to let it go.

You don't have to wait until you pass on to straighten this out, you can do now for yourself what you will inevitably do when you pass on, and that is to accept and understand that many people on this earth make mistakes,terrible mistakes that they regret fully and take full responsibility when they pass on. Your parents HAVE CHANGED. and  they are both aware of everything that they did wrong raising you. Your hating them still is only because you are on this earth and upon entering the next stage you WILL FORGIVE THEM BOTH. IF you can understand what i'm saying her, the healing has begun. Please give yourself that chance of healing here on this earth. You can make a good friend or two , and maybe even help others suffering , if you were to go and open up at a meeting of ACOA. You could be the one to help others if you would only read some words of comfort. and heal thyself.

[Gillyhurts]

I appreciate what you are saying, but as far as my kids are concerned, I dedicated my life to them. I don't know if you read my whole story, but my children are why I'm here.

I have to take offence at me raising my kids. I have always kept a strong parental front. Both boys are Autistic, and I've had to deal with them both being abused in the school system. I worked to the bone to have their rights being respected. Due to my work, my oldest is a success story. He went from not being able to speak or express his own thought to graduating with honours and has his own car. Though my youngest is worse off due to what he suffered in school.But he's loving and is all about hugs. My boys are happy. They have no idea how I feel inside. I wanted to give my children what I never had, and that is a loving parent.

There's so much to my story that I had already laid out. But the one thing I cling to, is that I am a good mother. If you take that away from me, I have nothing .

Thank you for your Best Wishes

[RockRose]

Gilly,  if you have kids,  you aren't alone for the rest of your life.  

You don't realize it,  but you are passing a piece of the legacy down to your kids.  Living your life every day wanting to die and having no friends  is no way to raise kids,  and no way to live.  

Because truthfully,  it's harder to recover than it is to decide recovery isn't possible.  If you're in a boat that capsizes in the ocean,  it's harder to swim for days to shore than it is to just give up and stop treading water.  It's easier to drown.

But since you have kids and you want to break this cycle,  you have to keep swimming.  For them.  So this cycle doesn't repeat and they have a firm foothold in life.

Read Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  And don't put it down at the point you break down in sobs.  That's the part of the book that will help you the most.

Best wishes.

[Gillyhurts]

Exactly, I could not give forgiveness because it would be a lie. To me, lying to him on his deathbed would be so wrong. I'll live forever with what he did to me. I will never except love. I will be alone for the rest of my life.
You don't have a child to play out some angered scenario of what you went through as a child. Both my mom and dad did this. Reenact everything that was done to them, but now they have control.
Everyday I want to die, but can't due to my children. And I have to live this wasted life. I have no friends, obviously no family. How do I keep going? It's a lonely existence, if you call it that. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just know I was a mistake. I paid a heavy price for it!

[Nighthawk61]

Many times, kids that are abused by their parents have to wait until they have passed on to understand that "it was them, it wasn't you" and that in a sense, you were playing a part, and were a pawn in their sick lives all along.

[Gillyhurts]

I know what you mean. I, hopefully, helped a young girl who has her whole life ahead of her. She is, for now, out of her situation. And I'm determined to make sure she has a life she deserves.
Thank you for saying that about my Dad. It still runs over and over in my mind, but my soul wasn't ready. I know wherever he is, he understands. If I did the dishonest thing and pretended to forgive, I think I would be worse off. I did hurt so much by my decision, but it was the honest one. He was being taken away to God, and I had to be honest. Despite how painful it was. He has visited me in dreams, and the moment he died, 4:23, I saw him at a lake I didn't recognize, with our dog who passed. And they were both happy. I woke up and I swear I could feel him next to my bed. My mom called me latter in the morning to tell me that he was gone. He passes at 4:23. Seriously, this actually happened.
Thank you so much for understanding. I rarely come across someone who gets internal suffering. I don't want to lose touch with you.

[NeverAgain127]

Easy.  You're an adult now.  It's the kids on here, the 'teens who are getting physically, emotionally & verbally abused by adults or older sibilings that literally makes me nauseous because it brings me RIGHT back.  

You've managed to gain some distance and perspective.  When your father put his hand out on his death bed and you walked away, MAN...that was powerful.  I kept thinking and thinking about that.    You were honest with him and yourself.     A lot of people would have read that and thought you were heartless, but not me.  I understood 1000%.

[Gillyhurts]

Just wondering, what was it about my story that kept you able to keep reading?

[NeverAgain127]

Thanks Gilly.  I can't read a lot of the posts on here from abused children because they just hurt too deeply.  

I didn't call my mother for several days, and then I left a short, brief message yesterday to just "check in."  She called back, and I kept the conversation very brief.  No more questions about her health, her blood work, her chemo...no emotional support, because it is a TRAP she sets for me...whether or not she even realizes it.

The horrible part is that on the one hand, I don't think she even knows what she is doing, but on the other hand, what mother in their right mind tells a child she wishes they would die?   C'mon, she worked in the corporate world all her life, has friends, family...she HAD to know that saying something like that was totally abnormal.   So is making your children cry.

I will never, ever understand her.

If she were completely neglectful and evil all the time, I would have learned what to expect, and adjusted accordingly.  Instead, she peppered her abuse and neglect with period of fake interest, and occasionally, expensive gifts.  It confused me totally as a child. She still does this.    Tells me I'm so ugly I need my entire face re-done with plastic surgery and then sends me an expensive pair of earrings she saw featured in Oprah's magazine.   Psycho.

Thank you for your support.  As I said in the beginning of this post, I wish I could be more supportive of others on here, but I when I start to read a post from an abused child, I begin to not be able to breathe, and either I stop reading or having a full blown panic attack.  

Take care Gilly..and oh yes, you are NOT alone..
Hugs,
-R.

[Gillyhurts]

Sorry I phrased that wrong, you don't owe forgiveness, you owe her nothing. Like I mentioned before when my dad was dying, and my mom told him I was leaving, he held out his hand. I couldn't for the life of me, take his hand. I knew then I never forgave him, but in time after his death I have. I will never forget. What he did is now instilled in me, I will always be alone, but forgiving him helped me to move on.

This is what I wish for you, again, keep in touch,

Gill

[Gillyhurts]

I respect what you said about your brother, my heart will still go out to him.
I'm glad your letting go. You know that you owe her nothing but forgiveness, which is up to you. She seems to have been given many chances to face it, but it won't happen. I'm so very proud of you and I'm glad I could help in any way. She lost the most cherished moments of a mother's life, as you and I know, watching your child grow up and be happy with who they are. You are the successful one. Despite horrible circumstances, you, my dear, won at life!

I will continue to keep you in my heart and mind and please keep in touch. I know your life will be what you desire. Once you let that negativity go, your whole being seems so much lighter, and thoughts more clearer.

I'm glad I could help you, and to be honest, you helped me too. Take care of yourself. You're worth it!!

With all my heart,

Gill

[NeverAgain127]

I can't talk about my brother.   He isn't a part of my life, and I feel like it would be violating his privacy to discuss he details of his...but suffice to say, he is doing the best he can (and given the cards we were dealt. it isn't that great.)

Her last chemo went well; all her numbers are up, and she's happy as a clam.  She called me, and I returned the call, listened to her chat away about herself....I congratulated her and ended the call.  

I agree with you.  I'm letting them go.   When she gets near her deathbed, (which could be in 10 days or 10 years...who knows.  She's in stage 4 of cancer, but right now she is rallying.) anyways, when it gets near the end, I don't think she will even want to see me.  

In fact, I dont' know if I'll ever see her again.  She doesn't want me to visit, doesn't want to spend ANY time with me or her only grandchild (my daughter.)  She DOES want to see her precious friends, and her sister, (my aunt) with whom she is close.  

Sigh.  So be it.  A sad person, a sad life...at least in my opinion.   She would say her life was a tremendous success.  She is very smart and talented and has achieved a lot of things in her time here on earth, but imo, if you screw up your children, nothing else really matters.  

And so...I'm done.  Again.  

Thank you so, so, so much for your posts...you've helped me more than you'll ever know.  

Blessings,

-Robin

[Gillyhurts]

First off, you obviously did a great job with your daughter. You did the same thing I did. Learned exactly how to never treat your child. Growing up, I had no idea how I came from my parents. I begged my mom to tell me that I was adopted, because I needed an an answer.

I asked you about God, because I believe when she passes, she will be shown all the hurt and pain she caused you and your brother. That's if she gets there I'm sorry to say, but she obviously is a sociopath. I always asked myself "what did I do wrong? What could a child do to cause them to feel this way about me? They love my brother and sister... why not me?"

This can be debilitating. If your own parents can't love you...who can?" I slowly learned the answer...You! Just be reading what you wrote, you know you're a good person who deserves love. I'm so happy you found a great, positive person to share your life with. You raised an intelligent, strong young woman. You have so much to be proud of. There are so many people out there that have no business having children, and your parents fit that bill.

There is a chance that when she's at the end, she may call on you, but until then, I'm afraid you have to let them both go. It's hard, and you most likely won't hear what you need to hear. Sociopaths don't feel remorse, or care how their actions affect other people. I know, I was married to one. Since he lost custody of them, he had no more use for them. We haven't heard from him in a decade, and that is just fine with my oldest.

It will be obviously so hard for you to do, but for the sake of yourself and your complete happiness, let them go. Don't call them...let them call you. And if they call and say " I love you, but I love myself more', and hang up. Eventually, as time goes by, it will get easier. They are horrible people, who I'm sorry to say this but they don't deserve your love. Focus on the ones that do.

How is you brother? What happened to him?

[NeverAgain127]

Forgot to answer your other questions:

Yes, I'm married, to a wonderful guy (2nd marriage.)  I went through a string of abusive BF's before I found him.  I have one daughter and we are very close.  She is the most wonderful person I know.  

I didn't know HOW to be a mother, but I sure knew what NOT to do...I cherished my baby when she was born, and made sure I never, ever hit her or put her down.  My daughter is a fully grown adult and very successful.  I'm so lucky to be her mom.  

When she graduated from college, my parents just assumed they were invited.   (They were awful grandparents to her; never a sleep over; not once.  They just ignored her but bought expensive gifts at Xmas...none of which she ever kept.  They would sometimes send her checks, and she would tear them up.)   Anyhow, a week before her college graduation, my daughter called him and told them they were not welcome.   She was doing it for both of us.  

It was her decision, but unfortunately, I ended up paying for it in spades.  My father called me one night and told me they never wanted to hear from me again.  In fact he said "I don't have a daughter."    They were HURT.   Why is it that THEY  can be hurt, but it doesn't matter if anyone else is?

[NeverAgain127]

Gilly,

I don't think my mother hates herself at all.  She is a narcissist.   It's crazy to me that she has a blind spot when it comes to the feelings of other people, but mostly me.   I'm such a compassionate person, and she literally feels nothing for anyone else except herself, and my father...and even then, if he was the one to die first, she has always said she would be "just fine."

It is hard to let go, but I know you are right.  

Yes, I believe in God.  I'm also a scientist (I used to be a pharmacist) so I have my moments of doubt, but in the end, yes, I believe there has to be more to our life than this horrible place we call earth.  Sorry...I'm feeling very low this week.  

She starts her 3rd chemo treatment today; I'm afraid to call.   One look or word from her can devastate me.    She is oblivious to any sort of hurt or pain on my part.  When my daughter cries, I instantly want to reach out and hug her.  My mother has literally mocked me scornfully when I've been in tears.

What is tearing me up is that she may be close to dying and she STILL has no desire to make peace with me.  Doesn't she THINK about her own soul?  About the legacy of hurt, pain, and abuse she is leaving me with?  

She was abused as a child herself.  Her mother was an awful, horrible woman.

Thanks for listening to me babble.  No one can understand unless they've been through it themselves.  Thru the years, I've had many folks tell me to "just get over it."  or "It's over and done with, in the past, nothing you can do about it."    Sigh.   They just do not get it.  

Thanks.

[Gillyhurts]

I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that none of this is you fault . You know that. When I read your first post, the first thought that came to my mind is that she a sociopath. Your ex is right. She also seems to be projecting unresolved feelings from her past onto you and your brother. Maybe she had dreams of being someone else, and settled.
I'm sorry, I have to be blunt, but this is said with tremendous care. You have to let them go. It's been so long, and you reached out, but she will never change. This is not you fault. She wanted you dead for God sakes. She obviously wasn't meant to be a mother. She is of week character, because a lot of parents come from tough backgrounds, but don't take it out on their kids, especially mothers. We are designed to protect our children. Animals are the same way. It's built in us.

I'm sorry to say that you will most likely never why she treated you this way. I don't think she hates you, she hates herself. And you are the victim in this self hatred.

I like what you said about the therapy. It's right and realistic. I know from my childhood that what was said and done to me is instilled in my fabric. Nature vs. Nurture. I believe that most of me is nature. I had to tune into what is right and what is wrong at a very early age. And the suffering I went through made me more in tune and empathic towards others. But no amount of therapy can erase years and years of programming.

Do you believe in God or an afterlife?