Childhood trauma

[guavagirl]

I am of Chinese decent, born in Taipei, Taiwan. I have 2 older siblings and a half younger sibling. I was born with a bone disorder called achondroplasia. To give me more opportunities, my mom migrated my family to the United States when I was a toddler. I had a very pleasant childhood.

Until, my mother and biological dad divorced when I was 6 and my mother re-married when I was 7. My stepfather considered me a bad omen and made my life miserable. I was physically abused by my stepfather, mom, and older siblings (between ages 6 and 12). When my mom became pregnant with my younger sister when I was 8, my stepfather did not let me near my mom in fear of his child being born with dwarfism. I was often left home alone, and forgotten. I would often spend days and/or weeks staying the night at friend's houses. To help take care of myself while I was not home, I stole money from my family.

After my last beating, I was finally taken away from home at the age of 12. The police placed me in the foster care system. I lived in 3 long term foster homes and 2 very short term foster homes. My mom and stepfather divorced when I was 16 and I moved back home at 18.

Shortly after I moved back home, I started to realize my mother does not accept me as being her child. When she brags about her children, she only speaks of my siblings. She hides me from her friends and is very bitter towards me. I feel like she's angry that we had to move to the U.S. because of me and she has always made sure to make me feel like the black sheep of the family. I basically do not know what to do. I desire the feel of a family connection, knowing that there are people who are will be there for me unconditionally.

I am a very shy and lonesome person when I am at home. When I am at out, I am very talkative and pleasant person to those I like. However, I am noticing I am having a lot of problems with quite a few co-workers. Those I do not like make me angry at the littlest things (i.e. singing, talking loudly) I feel like if I don't do something or say something when people aggravate me, that I will explode. Which is causing me problems at work. Even though I want to make friends, I am not eager to and I do not make much of an attempt. I have recently discovered my own kind of therapy in retail, but that will only go so far. I am here on this site hoping there are other people in this world who can relate to what I am going through and who can help me become a more happy person.

[jml1986]

I agree with SL345. You really do need to get some counseling to help you undo the damage that was done to you in the past. Not to mention to build up yourself esteem. The other thing I will say to you is that giving birth does not make you a parent. There are many people in this world that should have never had children. You have to learn that your happiness does not depend on your family, it depends on you. That is something a good counselor could teach you how to do, along with ways on your anger issues and you social anxiety issues. If you can not afford a counselor, there are places that can help you with the cost. I would not waste another minute blaming myself for things that were done to me as a child.

[SL345]

I'm sad to hear of the ways you have suffered. You are young and you sound intelligent. From your description, it sounds like going back to your family for unconditional acceptance is like trying to get water from an empty well. Is there anyone in your family who cares about you and sees you more for who you are? My suggestions are: 1) Get yourself into counseling with someone very experienced with whom you feel safe and who you can trust and stay there until things in your life start to improve - you may be depressed and might benefit from an antidepressant medication to take the edge off of your irritability; 2) reach out to like-minded people (those with interests outside of work that appeal to you) and slowly cultivate friendships; 3) don't work to the exclusion of being involved with people; 4) gradually work on your anger - first recognize the specific situations that you react to and try to look inside yourself for the nerve these people are hitting - you probably have a lot of anger and feelings of insecurity in you from all that you've endured;  5) try to build your own family and chose a safe, supportive person with whom you can build a friendship as well as family so you can get in your new family what you never got from you family of origin. It's a tall order, but you can do it. I hope you have a good life.