I think I was molested

[cd91c]

Growing up I thought i was gay, i am 19, I would block it out for a long time then I would remember that I was gay. this is from when I was around 7-8 to 18. I came out when I was 18, I was in a situation with my two friends and their friend josh, josh new I was gay and at one point we were separated from my other friends, he asked if he could kiss me and I started to have a panic attack but kissed him and when my other friends came back I made the one promise not to leave me alone with him. I felt like i was powerless and couldn't say no. (this isn't the molesting im talking about, but a symptom). I also question if i am gay because I joined a dating website and whenever someone has an interest in me I disengage and avoid them.

   I have a memory of me being young and awaking to someone having my underwear down and I asked them what they were doing and they told me to go back to bed. I also remember being awake at night and just staring at this digital clock in a dark room. The other night I had a dream that I was little and this man was chasing me when I was on the floor and he just grabbed me and put his finger in my butt.

I also can not stand affection or when people comfort me and touch me and I am wondering if this is why.

I think it may have been my uncle who killed himself when I was young which could be why it's hard to remember since it would of possibly stopped then. My mom told me this story how I was at the grocery store with him once and he got mad at me and told me to just shut up, and I demanded he took me home, this must of been when I was around 5 or younger. Looking back on that story I just think the relationship we had was suspicious. (me being alone with my uncle).


I also have a very weak defense whenever an older person yells at me i break down and have a panic attack and cant breathe.

[nobodyhere874]

I think you need therapy. You are probably right about the molestation. If you don't get help now, though, you may be alone forever.

[Dezwithabat]

These seem to be very troubling memories or thoughts that are preventing you from understanding yourself and being close with others.

Most people (like myself) roll their eyes when they are told to see a therapist...but seriously....you need to do it. It is clear you want to understand why you are feeling these things. Go to a professional and start healing.

Good luck.

[narla]

I would talk to a therapist,we aren't doctors or professionals here we can only go by what we know.
I blocked my abuse out for years it all came flooding back when I fell pregnant with my first child,I was desperate it had to be a girl,I was molested by my older brother and I became frantic that I didn't want any daughter of mine to have an older brother,I knew if my first was a boy then I would not of had any more children.
I had a girl first then a boy,but I would not have a 3rd because if it was a girl then I would never have trusted my son with her and that would not have been fair to him.
To some extent childhood sexual abuse had an impact on many of my decisions as an adult.

You really need to speak with a professional,they can help untangle our childhood memories.

Good luck  Denise