Do adult children lie about sexual abuse? Rarely; there's too much to lose. Do wives of abusers lie to themselves in an effort to justify remaining with their spouses? Oh yes, they absolutely do. I read every single comment in this thread, and I was struck, time and again, at how hard you're working at NOT believing your daughter despite that her words rang true when you first heard them. If it clicked on day one, it should still be clicking now. If you choose to stay with your husband at this point for financial reasons or other concerns, that's on you. Just stop lying to yourself and your child about why you're doing so. You'd never ignore abuse of a child? What then, do you think you're doing now?
My sister and I both were sexually abused by my former stepfather. When I finally told someone ,my mother and him were not married at the time ,and I did not know he was abusing my sister only me. They broke up for two weeks and he denied it and my mom thought maybe I had back flashes because I was sexually abused when I was younger by a step cousin. So in turn they got back together and she actually married him because everyone believed him. So the abuse stopped for awhile but then started again. I was always a grade A student but I turned to drugs and skipping school and staying away from home as much as possible. I did blame my mom for being blind to the fact. And my sister has so many problems now later on in life she is still on drugs and hates the world and actually just got out of prison for failing a drug test. I think her life would be very different and she wouldnt be so angry if this never happened. I gave my life to Jesus in 2005 and I struggled with forgiving this man for what he had done. I have forgiven him but it has changed my life. You said your daughter is getting married so Im sure this is causing problems with her and her soon to be husband. I did have premarital sex with men but it meant nothing to me because I viewed sex as dirty. It caused a strain on my first husband and I because I had to deal with what happened to me and I didnt even like for him to touch me sometimes. It is really hard to get past that in your life. It took me years after giving my life to Christ before I actually felt like I was healed of the burdens I carried. If I did not have Jesus in my life I believe I would still have issues with it. My first husband and I both gave our life's to the Lord and we had a our daughter together. I thought we had this great life and what a Christian life was supposed to look like. Well after six yes of being married he had an affair and he is now married to that woman. That is very different than what happened to your daughter or to my sister and I but my point is that he denied it to me for over six months and I believed him because when you love someone you cant believe they could do something so terrible even when signs are there. I am very happily remarried to a great Man that loves Jesus and I believe one day that my ex husband will truly come back to his first love,which is Jesus Christ our savior. Your daughter is not jealous of your relationship with you and her father if she has pulled away the past ten years and finally has gotten the courage to deal with what has happened,then she needs support and it will be a long recovery before she can fully deal with this. It affects every part of your life and choices you make until you can fully deal with what happened. She will have major trust issues with her husband and be very protective of her children also.I pray that you will believe your daughter even though it hurts very much because she needs you and everything you explained is similar to my story. Kids lash out for a reason and distance themselves for a reason. I will be praying for you all and your situation. And when you all have grandchildren there will still be problems there. Your husband needs help,child molesters dont just change on there own that drive is still in them. Ultimately God can change them because he can change anyones life but your husband is still in denial because he hasnt even come to terms with what he has done. If you need someone to talk to or pray with or just guidance you can email me at ***@****. Hope me sharing my story helps you and your family
I tend to believe he did molest her. You're husband is hurt because you're not 100% behind him on this. That's manipulative.
My older brother molested me as a child. I was 8. I blacked it out and memories came back to me at around 12 in the form of nightmares. All I wanted was to tell my father. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it wasn't my fault. Instead, he told me I was a liar. That takes a victim from an already low place, to extreme deoression, and wanting death. Tour husband is lying. Do you really believe your daughter would make this up? Like is she secretly out to ruin her own life. Your life? Quit being afraid of what people will think, and blinded by your love, and trust your daughter.
Did you ask your husband to take a lie detector test. You have lost your daughters trust. The pain she feels now is made worse by the fact you do not believe her. I have woken up at 52years old.... to gruesome memories, and at last found the answers to my rocky past. I have struggled a lot with sadness and anger, and did not understand why... for years. The only way you can gain your daughters trust is by showing her love. My mother asked me if my sister was brain washing me. I am in my fifties so I understand my mothers denial and reluctance to deal with these issues. But I have cut her and my sisters off for a year, so I can deal with these memories. Iam in pain and my business has suffered dearly, but I must say that at least I feel I can do well, via therapy and love from friends. Your daughter is better off cutting you guys off, it allows her to create a new identity. Your daughter did nothing wrong and she is being punished for your husbands actions. Please encourage her brother , your son, to get her to a non threatening type of therapy, group therapy or at least contact with other sexually abused adults. You asking her to prove herself ontop of the pain will just add more horror and pain. She need support from people who have been through this. Its very common sadly that a family goes into denial. At least i see you are trying to acknowlege there are issues, big up tp you for that...Your husband can take the lie dectetor test. I am sorry this happened. My father had his good side , but the truth is, he divided my family, and now he is dead, they are still divided and its sad that my family cannot get over this and help each other. Why dont you also get some support from mothers in your situation, goodluck and lots of love
I am 24 years old and was consistently molested by my uncle at a very young age. We all lived under the same roof and my mom never suspected a thing. The only person I have ever confided in with this is my bf and only because we had begun having some intimacy issues.. I have had very drunken moments where I have wanted to share this with her but never have. My sober mind tells me it's best to keep it to myself. bringing this to light won't change the past and will only make her blame herself for what happened. I know she would believe me I have no doubt in my mind. I never understood how some mothers could be so blind and question a very serious accusation such as this or go as far as to call their child a liar. Trust your daughter. What does she have to gain from confessing such a horrible life experience?
Children don't lie and I don't care how old your daughter was when she told you. I found out my ex had molested my daughter about a year after it happened when she was 12. I wanted to kill the *******. I accused him and he immediately lawyered up. My daughter didn't want her brothers to lose their dad and to this day she just wants an apology and for him to admit it. I was the one who became an addict and went through many years of guilt for not having him arrested. I can't stand him but I hated myself even more for not going ahead and prosecuting him. My daughter and I have a good relationship because I BELIEVED HER!
Hi, I'm sorry to hear about what your daughter is going through. This is about her, not your husband, not your son, not you. I think I've read all of this thread and some of the advice has left me feeling angry. No lie detector test. None. That is a ridiculous suggestion. If courts won't allow it, why would you even consider it? Something is fishy about your husbands willingness to utilize a practice that has no legal bearing. Everyone knows the way to cheat a test is to take two pain pills prior to the test to schew it in your favor. There, so we've solved that.
I was molested as a child by my mothers father. I was raped as a teenager. I absolutely believe your daughter. For the life of me I don't understand your inability to look at this through the eyes of your daughter who is absolutely showing all the signs of being a victim of incest. You've thrown a lot of stuff out about her in a negative manner but trying to present it in a way to make you sound reasonable and fair and that you really desire the truth. Your daughter told you the truth. What you have is a co-dependent relationship with your husband. You are protecting him. Why isn't he in therapy? You said that you've been to it but I can't tell because your therapist should have emphasized how traumatic this is for your daughter. She is the victim. You seem on the fence. Either your therapist is a quack or you're not taking his or her advice but would rather get advice from strangers on the Internet. We don't know you and it's easier for you to play us. I'm not saying this is intentional on your part but your so used to protecting your husband, taking care of him as all co-dependents do, that you can't be there for your daughter that has so desperately asked for your help. Even when she says she doesn't want it. What she's asking for and what she needs, is for you to believe her. That is the very first, the very best thing you can do to help her. By stating you don't know what to believe in essence is calling her a liar. Now your son won't talk to you and sides with his sister, who, By the way, was horrible to him as a teen. What you're really saying is something like this 'my daughter is so manipulative that she's able to get her brother on her side even though she had been abusive to him' therefore you're not sure what to believe because she's such a good liar. Then you throw in the 'my son is gay' like that matters. What does his sexual orientation have to do with this? Or did you just want to paint a picture of growth and tolerance on your part? Your daughter wrote, as a teenager, some letters that you think might be inappropriate, to your husband. You wonder why someone would write a flattering letter to their abuser. Do you know what Stockholm Syndrome is? I'm going to continue my post but I need to ask what kind of therapist your seeing? Any therapist presented with this scenario would tell you everything I'm telling you as well as what some others here are stating also. You should have been told that abusers are very good at manipulating those they need on their side. 'Honey, I'll even take a lie detector test.' 'She wrote me letters telling me what fun we had together.' Stockholm Syndrome. Perhaps exaggerated teen angst. Won't go to Law Enforcement. Won't go to therapy. Cut off communication with you. Didn't your therapist explain to you the dynamics of sexual abuse, especially incest? If so, you wouldn't be here now trying to get permission from a bunch of strangers to abdicate your job as a mother because you're not sure if your daughter is being honest. To care for and believe your child when they say they were hurt is the first step in helping her to heal. Validating her. I really do not believe that you've gone to therapy because you should know everything I just said.
Every time you presented something she said or did, you also threw in something that would make her look bad, you hoped. You have chosen your husband over your daughter. There are too many litmus tests for her. This is such a classic case of incest and mother or father not believing the victim. You must have proof. Pics or it didn't happen, right? Is your daughter so awful that she would fabricate this? And false memories are an anomaly. You're searching for everything, anything that will exonerate your husband so you don't have to face that you married a man capable of sexually molesting his own daughter. Better to throw your children under the bus than confront the elephant in the room. All.So.Typical.
Understand this. Had anyone believed me when I shared what happened to me, it might have kept me from further self destructive behavior. I could have learned to trust people. I won't play your game here. Call your daughter or write and tell her you believe her and you're sorry for not doing so earlier. Is there a part of you that likes seeing your daughter in pain? That's what it sounds like and I won't let you off the hook. You have two children and neither one wants anything to do with you. There's a reason and I'm pretty sure you know what but you can't break the contract that you and the abuser have. No therapist in the world would have let this get to this point. In fact, I'm pretty certain they're bound by law to report sexual abuse claims. This is why I think you came here, to throw out some feelers to see what would stick when you tell your daughter you don't believe her. What mother doesn't believe her child because the abuser is a nice guy and you need something besides her word? This is one of the most manipulative conversations I've heard in years. I'm not buying your story. Your daughter's yes, 100%.
I'm sorry to hear all the bad news you bare however, you need to sit down and really think about this logically. I know as a mother I would never want to distrust my daughter or son and with such accusations. That being said, follow your motherly instinct. Support your daughter. She is seeking closure for something she was never able to say before now. She is trying to start her own family. I am sure she has spoke with her fiancé about what happened to her as a child because they are considering having children, she is afraid to have children and bring them into your home with the man that violated her !! That is the only reason she is speaking of this now ! I have been through what she went through, I stayed silent my while life !! I was 13 when it started happening and 15 when i stopped going to the place it was happening !! I was afraid to ruin my family with this secret and he knew it which is why it went on so long and which is why my abuser felt safe that he would never get caught !! Let me guess you ask him about the accusations and he responds to you by letting you know how ridiculous it is to hear such a thing !! He denies through and through and the fact of the matter is, you may never learn the truth because he will never admit what he did and take the fall for it !! If he is truly innocent he wouldn't mind going to your local police department explaining the accusations and taking a polygraph test !! See if he squirms or refuses to have a lie detector test !! That may be your first hint that you need to trust your children and take action. Otherwise, say goodbye to the bond you could have had with them and your future grandchildren !! Please let your daughter know you believe her and do what your daughter needs you to do so she can have closure and a family of her own !!
Hey I just wanted to share with you as a girl who was molested by her father as well. I am 26 years old now but when I was in my teen years I hated my mother for what my father had done to me when I was a child. Only because I felt like she knew or should have known and should have protected me. I gave her so much attitude that she ended up taking me to a psychiatrist because she felt that I was unstable. That made me grow even more resentment towards her for not knowing I was acting up because I was being physically hurt. After I told my mother she questioned him and he denied it. Sstayed with my father and till this day he denies absolutely everything and calls me a liar. Now my father is sick and my mother and I are the ones taking care of him. How unfair life is! I'm still burdened from my past and am still suffering, having to be in this predicament at an older age.
What were the results of the polygraph?
You always believe your child. Always. And he is not 100% rightfully hurt because you aren't backing him. Everyone comments the most amazing thing about me is my mothering. He should be 100% supportive and if he is truly innocent then be supportive in getting to the bottom of it and seeking family counseling to get to the bottom of it. I don't agree with it being jealous. You can be a daddy's girl and be his victim of sexual abuse. It's quite horrifying but it really shakes the mind and children have to find ways to cope. And there are many different responses to coping to such tragic situations. A child's mind can only handle so much which is why children often repress or create false realities to cope during sexual abuse. I'm 28 and I have a 6 year old girl. We went through something similar two years ago. Never got to the bottom of it. It was alleged her stepbrother and the first thing her father said (while I'm in tears calling him telling him word for word what she said) is "she's lying". What kind of parent doesn't 100% support that allegation. Every professional will tell you to believe the child until otherwise. Now, her being an adult may change their approach, but you should seek professional advice before backing your husband and believing your daughter is a liar.
Oops, typo,..this......(But, as i said, the last thing my sister was into, was a diagnosis,) was supposed to read, a Cancer diagnosis, but she had lied so often who knew if it was true or not.
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I'm sorry to hear that your son has dropped out because of all of this. I think you should talk to him, if you can, about his talking it out with a therapist. so he can get back to his life again.
Time has a way of showing the guilty party up and also of healing. i pray for both of these for you and your family.
You bring up many good points and I am grateful for your objectivity, which I am struggling to maintain. Actually she is 27 now. Her anger and hostility began around 16 (coincidentally when she had her first boyfriend?) but this allegation only surfaced last year and she says it is the reason for her hostility the past 10 years. We tried from when she was 16 to get her into counseling but she refused - now I wish I would have forced the issue but I thought she would outgrow her angst. She is graduated from college, living in another state, and to be married next month. My son is also grown, 20, and was away at college when this happened, was derailed dropped out and is still floundering. I have observed her jealousy of my relationship with her father and spoke with her about on a few occasions, encouraging her to respect and appreciate that her parents loved each other and her. I grew up in a home rife with alcoholism and domestic violence and my life goal was to provide my kids a better childhood, and I did my best.
You know i went to the dollar store and thought of something, came back , commented and completely forgot the point i wanted to remember. (that's 55 for you).. So, you're put off because your daughter was Daddy's girl, right? and you're wondering how could she if she was close to Daddy.? and, why so mad at you. You just got hit with this, and it's a big deal to just believe your kid, even though they've shown signs all their life of manipulating people.
Maybe she's jealous of your relationship with your husband. Maybe she see's that you are close. Closer than she and her "daddy" are ,now that she's a) grown and b) changed her personality in a way that 'daddy" may not be thrilled with and is naturally maybe backing away from such a close relationship with her (as she had his unconditional love and attention as a child). A parent will always love their child, but it doesn't mean that they have to unconditionally like their child. Parent's are human too.
Do you think there's a possibility that she is not so much mad at you for choosing to insist to get to the bottom of her accusations, (as oppose to just blind faith and belief) but that she is just jealous of your relationship with her dad. So much so that she is willing to lose her dad? Maybe she' betting that this accusation will provide an opportunity for you to be a loyal follower , of her. , after all, everybody knows that people automatically will believe a child that it is politically correct to automatically believe a chlld, (BUT it is when children become older, young adults, and able to communicate more fully, able to have their own selves looked at critically (i don' t mean harshly, i mean fully) that automatic assumptions of alleged activities Must be looked at. Young adults must prove their allegations.
After all , there are a percentage of young offenders.(not so much with younger children though)...
I can't wait to hear how your husband did with the lie detector test.
You can't be a people pleaser, when it comes to displacing the man you married out of high school. You need to be very disciplined about being full apprised of all possibilities, and i think you're doing that well. It's not like you're going to cut your daughter off even if she is lying. Hopefully, when a kid acts out, their parents will be able to catch it, whatever it is , and get them help. But, as i said, the last thing my sister was into, was a diagnosis, but it's like the kid crying wolf at this point. She was simply too dangerous to be part of my life. With a kid it's a bit different.
I'm glad to be able to juxtapose both your husband and daughter's personality traits. I think it speaks volumes and needs to be considered.
When you do talk to your daughter, you have to use it as a teaching moment, and not be shy about being honest as to your evaluation of her personality and how that you also have to take it into consideration.
Your daughter is 16 now, right? so you have time, to talk to her with a psychologist before she's off to college. (hopefully). Our kids grow up so much in college, with some family counseling she may have a chance to grow up a bit with the help of family and a professional. I sure wouldn't suggest that you let this go. Fortunately unless she' inclined to be a runner, she will stay at home and take the heat that comes from the type of accusation, just like your husband is taking the heat. And just like you're taking the heat. The worse thing would be to let it go without talking as you are here, being honest about how you truly feel about he subject. Many parents that deny their child'd allegations of the bat, refuse to discuss it at all. They just make a decision on who's lying and repel the person they feel is guilty either of abuse or character assassination. I think there should be a charge for people that malign other people's characters. In some cases there is, like at work, but many times in families it is so repulsive that everyone other than the accuser,, just wants it to go away. The thing is, you need to open up the communication and talk to her about the way she has been treating people. The fact that maybe you haven't only serves to embolden her actions towards other people,
I don't envy how hard it is for your family right now. But i know that in a family there are often struggles, and as long as everyone opens the lines of communication, there's a possibility of healing and progress in relationships.
Want to know the results, I'm waiting with bated breath. i'm thinking of you often. I guess it brings back so many family memories of my own.hey, I lived through it. Nobody died. The human will prevails.
I do consider him a good father, a good man, a good person whom I have never seen do anything mean or malicious to anyone. Yet I have observed that she can be mean and malicious and have watched her be very cruel to other children when young and later to girl friends and then her boyfriends. And she has accused others - friends, room mates, co-workers but not been willing to take action. I understand none of these mean she is lying now. We certainly were not perfect parents, and we had kids young, but we were dedicated to our kids and to providing a healthy happy home - it was our priority. She doesn't seem to hate him like she hates me (she now says because I did not protect her from him). She was always daddy's little girl. I don't discount anyone's abuse either, it's a very real and painful situation for many. Honestly, I previously thought it was always stepdads and never knew it happened with biological fathers, but now have read a lot and that was my own misconception I have angered some people by not just believing my daughter but I have tried to keep an open mind and they are both convincing, obviously complicated by the fact that I love them both very much. All I want is the truth so we can all move forward.
Just to clarify, is your husband a good man? has he been a good father, or have there been problems that have occurred because he has mental problems.? Do you otherwise have a good marriage and you consider him to be a good father? Did he have a record when you met him.?
Alternately, did your daughter get caught in lies as a child? was she somewhat deceitful as a child? Would she have any reason to hate her father enough to break you away from him.?
I am not discounting the abuse others have suffered only telling my truth about my sister who lied many times about sexual abuse, and also had her teenage daughter lie about her step father abusing her. After awhile, the alleged offender went back to live with them both. I only have my experience to share. I respect all experiences given on this forum.
I'm not assuming she is lying, i am assuming the father may not be lying as he is willing to go and get a lie detector test. Someone here said that their father was a "serial killer" and that he could lie undetected. I'm not sure of the statistics, but i don't think that a good man never in trouble and completely blown away by this alleged occurrence would be able to lie as easily as a serial killer. Incidentally. I 'm so sorry for the family of the serial killer. That's terrible.
Nighthawk... You do not know the daughter is lying. Me for instance told my mom that my step dad had molested me since iIwas about 5 years old. She ccontacted the authorities and when it all got started and they did exams on me after that Itold them iIwas lying bbecause Iddidn'twant my younger siblings to be without a father like I was. I was 13 when i finally told. So trust me Iwwouldn't just "assume" she is lying
Okay, so i have a different take on this. I grew up in a co dependent home. Lot's of chaos. It affected all four children differently. One an addict (myself) my step brother an alcoholic, my brother a wife beater, and my sister a compulsive liar and manipulator. My sister had a laundy list of people abusing her "sexually", Then i grew up and there came a time when i was in her world. She took a great deal of time trying to get me to say that i had been sexually abused by my father. My father was a major prick, however, he never sexually assaulted me. She hated him and wanted him to pay for pass deeds that didn't suit her. Then, my son was born. And my sister, in an attempt to have me ousted out of my son's life, called the authorities and said that my son had been abused by my "friends" It took some time to go through the process, but it was found "unfounded" What they call "unfounded" i call out and out lying by a messed up manipulator.
So that's my story.
Your husband is willing to exonerate himself. And your daughter is not. I'm pretty sure that it will become clear that your daughter is lying, at least about her dad. I doubt very much your daughter will take the test, but if she does, perhaps it would be beneficial to have the question's asked about the others who '"allegedly" raped or molested her. For her benefit, it would be healthy to know if your daughter may need help herself. I think this may be a case of young lady looking for attention, or the fall of another, and that she might need help herself.
I do not automatically believe adult children. And would need proof of their convictions before destroying a person's life. Not only that, i'd be sure to discuss it with them in no uncertain terms. "You have an opportunity to prove what you are saying, the fact that you are not, is suspect, to say the least".
Just another opinion, based on experience.
MOM, the way you describe the incidents, I 100% believe her. Women do have "found" memories, that are often untrue, but she's got a clear memory of times when you know they were alone in bed.
Sexual abuse is so difficult. You ask is it odd that she wrote those love letters to him, and no, it makes it even more likely that it's true. It's a twisty, sad dynamic that girls who have been molested often want nothing as much as they want the approval of their molester, if he is someone they loved to begin with.
And they blame others who did nothing, and knew nothing.
Children who are abused and then immediately make an outcry, and get help and the abuse ends, usually fare pretty well. They heal pretty well and feel empowered by their own actions.
Children who don't make an outcry, and in fact take actions to facilitate the abuse (he continuing to come into bed with you for years after the first incident) fare very poorly. Although it's not their fault, they are left with the feeling of "why did I do that"? "why didn't I try to make it stop"?
Is your daughter in therapy?
oops, in the last paragraph, (heR continuing to come into bed)
Thank you Rosa. I know what you say is true statistically but sometimes it does happen and I want to know the truth. He will take a polygraph next week but she refuses to take any action - not that it makes her the one lying. Since you have been through this, can I ask you something that I keep thinking of - she says it happened for a few years when she was like 5-7 but her whole life was daddys girl and wrote him (not me) these sweet letters all the time even up to 18 years old saying he was her favorite person in the world and she wanted find a man just like him to be the father of her children. Does that seem odd to you, can you imaging writing something like that to your dad?