ONLY GETTING WORSE!!--WANTING TO END THE MISERY

[spitfire989]

Well, as my previous post talked about the extreme emotional abuse I am having with my mother, things are just NOT getting better, and to be honest,---it's taking it's toll on me!!!-----I "attempted" to tell her how my dr appt went regarding the Strong progression of the MS, and she basically wanted to hear no part of it.---I tried to tell her how I have to have more tests based on how fast the MS is eating my body up, how I feel about it all, (my fear, sadness, whatever), and like I said,---SHE WANTED TO HEAR NO PART OF IT!!---And that is just tearing me up inside.---How and Why would a mother not want to know/what this is doing to me?---I just CAN NOT understand why she is so STUCK in her "feelings" that I am such a loser, burden, that I'll NEVER go anywhere's or BE anything.----Why she could give a **** that I am suffering in just about EVERY level of my life.-----I just feel like ever since I was Dx'd she hates me even more!--I can't convince her I NEVER asked to get sick,--and never planned on this just bringing me down so fast.----She has repeatedly told me or made me feel that I am a loser, I am a disgrace, I am just never gonna be anybody.---And it's REALLY bringing me down.---I just wish and pray I can get out of here/away from her, and try to PROVE I'm NOT a loser, burden, disgrace, or whatever else she sees me as.---But, I can tell ya this---now and with all that I feel, I can CLEARLY see why people concider "ending it"!!!!!---I have thought about it EVERYDAY!!!!----ANYTHING TO END THE PAIN!!--Not from the MS---end the pain from her!!!----Sometimes (actually alot) of times I just think "If I take a whole bunch of my Vicodin and Neurontin pills, then I can END the pain, sadness,being a loser/burden, feelings I am feeling.!!!! It's like everyday I want to just end it all.---Ok, I know I have not been an "Angel", that I've made mistakes in my life, I know I've let people down and whatever, but my question is ---why would someone WANT to go on, in this fashion???----I'll tell ya this---I am so sick/tired of being treated like SH#@, sick of being told over and over I'm a loser, I'm a disgrace to the family, tired of feeling like it WOULD be better for everyone IF I WAS'NT around anymore, tired of being alone every damn day by myself.  Nobody calls--nobody visits--nobody does ANYTHING.--It's like "IF" I did end it all with my pills---it would be DAYS before ANYONE WOULD KNOW ABOUT IT, CUZ NO ONE EVER CALLS OR COMES AROUND!!!----But, right now, I just feel it would be in EVERYONE'S best interest if I do just do what I have to to end my pain/sadness/lonliness.----It would be like my final "gift" to myself.----I'm sorry to dump all this out there to you guys--it's just I can not take anymore!!! The pain of what my mother says to me, the way she is making me feel, the whole shabang is more then I can carry EVRYDAY in my heart/mind.---I NEVER understood why she felt that way to me (her alledged daughter), why I'm seen as a loser and disgrace,how she could leave me alone, without alot of basic needs, why she just turned her back on me.---Think about it---would'nt that weigh on your hearts/minds???---I don't know---I just know I want to end the misery. It'll OBVIUOSLY please all of the family, please her-cuz then the "burden/disgrace" isn't there.  WHAT A MESS!!!

[margypops]

I just cant believe folks behave like this ,of course you are in pain, one only has to google MS to understand what you are going through,  let me know about the books, I am not offering charity, I can help you out there and I happen to believe reading is so good therapy in keeping out mischievous thoughts busy,

[spitfire989]

Hey there, thank you for your response.---I know people here are going to be my ONLY form of attempting to get through the hell she is putting me through or saying to me.---And it's people like you guys that might prevent me from doing "deliberate" harm to myself, even though I think about doing it DAILY!!!~~~~As I said in the private note I sent you, I just can NOT  understand WHY she has turned her heart/back on me when I told her I ran out of heat when it was 9 degrees out, or how I literally have no groceries and am not into asking my friends for food, why she has told me to get out and not worry about coming to family functions cuz I've shamed the name, to telling me I'm a loser ALL THE TIME ( after awhileof hearing it--ya tend to belive it!), to telling me that the councilor I see might be a good thing cuz maybe then they'll figure out why I'm nothing but a screw up. to as I've said,--regretting adopting me cuz I've been nothing more then a burden and liar from the get go,---to just whatever else she can come up with on that particular day.----These are all things she says that hurt and rip me down (more then anything the MS can and will) and yes, I am on a support group for ms.---Or what really gets me with the MS is when I told her I don't have the money to get the meds I desperately NEED, her response was, oh well, deal with it".--Well ya can't deal with what MS does to in so many levels IF ya don't have the meds to help.---I already see where it has taken me from what I used to be in a matter of a few short months.---Even though she doubts I have MS---well if she'd be around to see what it has done to me--maybe then she'd beleive me.  But I doubt it.---She does not understand the amount of pain that MS gives you, or anything about it.--I was able to get my last "scripts" filled, but that will only last me for awhile,--then once again--I'm screwed.---I am right now, "milking" what meds I have, and only taking them when I really have to for the pain, or what ever it's doing to my body then.~~~~It's **** like that, compiled with her mean comments that my heart WILL NOT forget, that have left me feeling like the only way out is to end it.----Anything to end the pain.---But, as I said, for now, I'm glad I got you guys to turn to, cuz it'll make a world of difference to be able to release a few things.  So, thank you!!!---Ok, well I gotta scoot, but get back if ya want.....thanks --------------LIZ

[margypops]

Let me know some titles of books you want in large print , I have good  sources and may be able to get hold of some for you,they will be used but in good condition and cheap, do you listen to the tapes My brother who is blind listens to tapes he gets ,please feel some hope soon, am thinking about you today, let me know how you are doing.

[AnnaE]

Please don't think of hurting yourself. Amph and I care about you, and you have more support on this forum. Please take steps toward health. Your mother is sick. Remember that. You do not need to take that kind of toxic behavior personally. I know you deserve her help. You can decide whether standing up to her or not, is best for you. You do not deserce her bad treatment. People you have not even met yet are willing to help you.

If you EVER even think of it, don't do it, don't hurt yourself. First, you will bring yourself immense additional pain. Most suicide attempts fail, and the person is usually left with serious health problems, not present before the attempt.

There is new life every day, new learning, and always a reason for beconing more healthy in spiret. Lean on us. We will not forget you.

[RJ233]

If you are unable to put distance between you, keep ear plugs handy. When she comes around, put them in your ears so you can't hear anything she says. Don't talk to her, just look up and grin. She is feeding off of the misery she causes you. If she can't it will make her miserable. There used to be a saying about people like her, "She's not worth the salt in her bread". You don't have to listen or believe what she says and you sure don't have to prove yourself to her. She has real issues. The abuse has gone on from childhood, before you even could have done anything wrong. So, look at the picture, she is an abusive, foul mouthed, excuse for a human being. I know the long time abuse, especially as a child has a life time affect. I can relate to that. You have seen exactly what you never want to be. You have proved that you are a beautiful human being, a great mother. She can't relate to you. How could she? Look at what she is. She is the loser. She has lost a beautiful person that could have been the daughter many wish for that are childless. I know you can't erase what she has done to you. I can relate to a bad childhood. You can shut her out so she can take her useless self to somewhere else. You are right, she can't see past her nose, and she is probably unable to look in a mirror for fear she will see Satan in her own eyes. God does not like people that harm His children. Remember, any minute He can show her what misery is. I know a person similiar to her that has suffered for years and still is. His skin is actually falling off, yet he lives and suffers.

The physical pain must be horrible to deal with. Dealing with loneliness, I can relate to and it is painful to experience also. None of us never make mistakes and bad decisions. That is a part of being human. We have all been there, but it doesn't make us a bad person. It is when one makes a life time of being mean and heartless to delibertly hurt and destroy others. That is a bad person. Even with your pain you still reach out to others and offer your help.

I suffer from loneliness, even with a house full of children, grand children and a good husband. When I have reached for a friend, it never seems to work out. That just makes those lonely feelings peak. I don't know if it comes from the loneliness one feels because of trauma during childhood and as an adult, or inability to be a person that anyone would want to be friends with. It doesn't matter dealing with it is a miserable situation. Here you see you have many that care. Many that have suffered and understand in ways that people on the outside of that pain can't understand. You are not alone. Heart and hands are waiting to give you honest support. Don't let the ugliness of Satan invading you life in the many ways, make you feel your place in this world is not needed. I have felt the same way. Who would even miss me. It is not true, you are valuable and God uses you in many ways. Your story gives strength to others that relate from their own lives. It does me. Everyone's abuse is not always presented the same way but the results are the same. Try to think of ways to shut out the pain others inflict on you. Shut the door to them, plug up your ears so you can't hear them, refuse to speak to them or answer what they say. Most of all do not try to prove yourself to them. Their opinion doesn't matter. If it did, they would see the beauty that has overcome the ugliness forced on you. See a counselor and let them help you on how to put the ugliness in a closet that you can better control the door to.

You are a beautiful person. You have fought through the battle to be a better person. You have shown strength beyond what many have been able to and come out on the better side. Don't destroy that by ending your life. There are things you can work through with the proper help. Your life is precious and people do care.

[sweet224]

hiiii Budddy
                  i think its right

_______________________________________

sandy

[AnnaE]

Could other family have turned her against you>

[AnnaE]

How about an MS group? The pain and effects of MS are so overwhelming, perhaps others could help you with support,

I am so sorry about the pain and how you suffer. You must have your meds. Have you found any way to get them? How about Medicaid?

[momagain59]

I am so sorry that your Mom is this way. Please do not feel like it is because you are adopted. We have adopted all of our kids (5) and they are not treated this way by anyone. On the other hand, my niece (1 of 3 in her family) is treated this way by her bio-Mom. Whenever I tried to talk to her Mom, my SIL about this, she would point out the fact that she was not really my niece, just because she had her before she met my brother. I have seen many bio-parents treat their children bad. It is magnified when it is an adoptive family that is abusing their child. It is just not fair to treat any child this way and she will have to answer for what she did someday. Abuse is everywhere, in all types of families, schools, churches... Was your Mom your foster parent at one time? Do you respond to her when she is being abusive? Is she getting worse as she gets older? When you get your disability, I hope you are able to move away from her.

[spitfire989]

Thanks for your response.--My solution last night was my vicodin with some wine.---But, it was still a restless night--not due to that so much, but do to the MS.--It has made it so I can not roll over in bed without having to grab the side-board and hope I can pull myself over.--Plus, with the MS I am "once again" in the midst of Bathroom issues, where ya feel like ya could whiss your brains out, but nothing happens, outside of a trickle.----As for my "so-called" mother, your right she is a *****.--I would NEVER say or do those kinds of things to my children--as I've always felt they were the absolute "gift" to me.---From day one, I have been a patient, caring mother who would do anything for them--STILL DO.  And I see my daughter Jenni passing that on to her daughter Adrianna.--So, I guess I did my job right.---My "so-called" mother has NEVER seen or wanted to see what she had--right under her nose.---I was adopted by them at 7 and it has ALWAYS been the same.--So, what I'm saying is for 35 YEARS!--yup YEARS, I have been either told, led to beleive, whatever that I am a disgrace, how I've shamed the family name,more or less a "let down",how I've screwed everything up, and that she "regrets" adoting me.---Well honey, some people could'nt handle it if they had to go through this for 35 days or 35 weeks, 35 minutes! Now try to envision it for 35 YEARS!!!---A MAJOR  reason for my sadness/ feelings of being a loser, just whatever.----It eats your spirit, your heart, your purpose, whatever.----Yes, I recently started counciling, and hope to find away to handle all this, but I have no great expectations. ----As I knoew the scars that have been "jabbed" into me for so many years may never heal over and recover.---And , right now I can not help but want to just end it all---especially the pain she has done to me.....It will not go away over night, and I'm not sure I can "wait for that day",--ya know what I'm saying?-------It's like I tols someone---after awhile of running into a brick wall--in the hopes of trying to change things,---ya start to look at "other" avenues of releif.----I "used" to have hobbies, but unfortunately the(Satan, I call MS) has taken most of that from me.---I can't go for walks really, cuz 95% of the time my legs feel like I'm walking in cement.--I explained to someone the other day, it feels like if you go work out real hard at the gym, and ya know how your legs.arms/whatever, ache and burn the next day, well with "my Satan" that's how my legs feel as I said 95% of the time, the 5% it does'nt is when I take my multiple pain meds.--Reading a book is not an option anymore, cuz the MS has given me Optic Neuritis on top of what it does to my body, and with the Optic Neuritis it has pretty much taken the vision from my left eye.--And yup, I used to love to read at night or whatever, but it's very difficult to find the books you like in large print.--So, I had to give that up.---So, I guess, in my way of thinking---I have multiple reasons to want to just end it all..,,,,To end the pain/misery "she" has given me for years,  to what the Satan in my body has done,---to just whatever.----Things are just so screwed up for me---I hate it----and hate having to deal with it day in---day out.---And that's why I've said I can't take it anymore.-----Well again, thanks for your response.  Take care of yourself.  K---Liz

[AnnaE]

I know you are in depair. I don't know what is motivating your mother to do this. Could it be because she is scared of the monwt youe ullness will cost and she has a fantasy that tiy have made it all up, She sounds both irratuinal and cruel. She could be mentally ill and greedy both.

I cna only say to get yourself some kind of mental health care and see if if you can get ANYTHING from her, even grocery mney. You must build your fram of mind so you can help this situation as best you can. It is a complex situation. Your mother could make it simpler, but she refuses.

You need medication and a counselor first. Can we give you resources for that? Just ask us. Do you get disability payments? food stamps? Lets start there. I became disabled once and no one in my family would help me. They had the same response as your mother. It  is harder for you, because you are suffering more physically, I believe, than I was.

Here is a recent mh post on couseling help:

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AbuseAffordable Mental Health Care: How to find free or reduced-fee treatment in your area
Jan 14, 2009 11:52AM - 2 comments


Affordable Mental Health Care: How to find free or reduced-fee treatment in your area

The following is a guide to finding affordable psychological and psychiatric services in your area. Many people call or write me asking how they can find treatment if they do not have insurance or can not pay their deductibles. It is extremely frustrating to need help and not be able to afford it, even if you have insurance. It is sad that many insurance companies do not cover psychological and psychiatric services to the extent that all of their subscribers can access care. Unfortunately, many psychologists can no longer afford to participate with insurance companies or Medicaid/Medicare. The reasons for this include low reimbursement rates, frequency of denied payment for services, and the burden of insurance related paperwork. While the situation is problematic, there is no reason to assume that you can not get the care you need.

On the bright side, if you can take the time and energy to search, you have a good chance of finding someone who can help. First, here are some terms to be familiar with:

Sliding Fee Scale—this means that the clinician will adjust the price of services in accordance with your ability to pay
Community Mental Health Center—a public, non-profit agency that provides mental health treatment
Pro Bono Services—Free services offered to those in need. The ethical code of the American Psychological Association encourages psychologists to do pro-bono work, and most do some form of uncompensated service.

Do not be shy about asking clinicians if they can accommodate your financial situation. If they can not, they should be able to refer you to someone who can provide you less expensive treatment that would meet your needs. You may also find that a psychologist will agree to conduct a short-term, focused treatment on a specific problem. Ask if you can come every other week or monthly. Ask if there is a payment plan. Some psychologists are willing to provide therapy over the phone or through the computer if your work schedule makes it difficult to attend sessions.

Here are some ideas for where you can find free and affordable mental health care:

1. Call your general practitioner. Your physician should have a list of places he or she is comfortable sending you.
2. Contact an advocacy group’s local chapter. Organizations such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=your_local_NAMI, Alcoholics Anonymous (http://www.aa.org/lang/en/meeting_finder.cfm?origpage=29), or the Association of Retarded Citizens (ARC) in your area will be able to help find treatment for specific needs. Advocacy groups typically maintain lists of local community therapists and respite care providers.
3. Contact your local hospital. Hospitals take insurance, including medical assistance. Call the Behavioral Health or Outpatient Psychology/Psychiatry department. Teaching hospitals (those that train student psychologists and psychiatrists) may be particularly good sources of less expensive care.
4. For urgent matters, try a crisis hotline. Even if you are not in immediate danger of harming yourself, they can still help. The people who answer the phone will have lists of places you can go where you can be seen as quickly as possible, even if you can not pay.
5. Ask your child’s school guidance counselor or school psychologist. Part of that person’s job is to refer students and families to local mental health care services.
6. Contact your local division of social services. You can often find this through your county’s website, or through private social service organizations such as Jewish Social Services (jssa.org).
7. Private ‘find a therapist’ websites such as www.therapists.psychologytoday.com/ will let you search for providers who are willing to offer sliding scale or pro bono care.
8. Local colleges and universities often maintain clinics that provide care to the general public. These clinics can be contacted through the departments of Psychology, Counseling, or Social Work. For example, if you went to the George Washington University Center for Professional Psychology website, you would find a link to the Center Clinic (http://www.gwu.edu/~cclinic/PsydCenterClinicContactUs.html). The Center Clinic is an example of a training clinic staffed by doctoral students who are supervised by licensed psychologists.
9. If you are a member of a religious community, clergy members can often refer you to pastoral counseling or other mental health care providers who have a spiritual orientation to treatment.

[momagain59]

I do not want to talk bad about your Mom but I will say that she ***** for a Mom. You do not deserve to be treated like this as no one does. When you are abused verbally, the scars are on the inside and that makes them harder to heal. Therefore, you have to find a way to heal from the inside out. You have to realize that you are a beautiful person and your Mom has to be mentally ill or just very mean to treat you like this. This makes me very angry because children are to be treasured; they are a gift from God. Do you go to therapy? What can you do to distance your self from your Mom? Please do not hurt yourself. I looked at your photos and your Granddaughter is so pretty. I love to see babies yawn and make faces just like big people. She needs her Grandma. Do you see her often? Do you see your children very often? What do you do for entertainment? Do you go for walks, read, write, dance, sing, or just relax and enjoy your Granddaughter? My Mom passed away 3 years ago now, and my kids still cry and say they miss Grandma. Grandmas cannot be replaced. It is obvious that you are a much better Mom than yours was so that means you are not a loser. You did not follow that pattern and for that, you should be proud. I am sorry that you are treated that way and your Mom does not realize what she has. That does not mean the rest of the world feels that way. She must be a very angry person inside. What do you think made her this way? You are not responsible for her anger. Let her keep it by talking to yourself whenever she says mean things. You are going to have to talk positive to yourself at the same time she is being mean. You do not need to listen, what she has to say is not important. If she is only saying things to hurt you, you do not need to hear it. Carry a picture of your Granddaughter with you and look at it when you need to. She deserves to have her Grandma. Do not let your Mom take that little girls Grandma away. Please write back and let us all know you are O.K. We care.

[babypooh]

I know that you're going through such tough times, honey, but life is still worth living. I hope you don't go through with trying to hurt yourself. I will keep you in my prayers, honey. It's hard, I know, but do try to worry about yourself and not trying to prove to someone that you are worthy. Just KNOW that you ARE.  Take care of yourself and don't give up on your faith.

[Amphitrite]

Hey, I'm coming back on the forum today for you because I care alot about you and your more important than my not wanting to be on the forum. PM me, ok.
Go look at your reason to fight and remember what is good in life. Go look it right now.

I have a few things to deal woth today like the police, my doctors amd that and then I'm going to send you a PM. But you'll get one from me today.
So just know that I care and am thinking of you and that if you don't stick around to get my PM I'll be Pissed....Don't think of them right now, except for your granbaby and think about how much we care about you. We're like a little family here and you're part of that.

You know you can ALWAYS PM me anna, mommyagain..any of us and we'll always be there for you...ALWAYS

Huge giant Hugs
Amph

I'm serious....don't even think about not sticking around for my PM.