Is this sexual abuse?

[hannah72526]

When i was about 4 years old, a 6 year old boy would want me to suck his penis and he would want to lick my vagina. I saw him once a week for a while as our sisters did netball together and our mothers were friends. He would pull down my pants behind the bushes and do stuff to me. I never initiated it but i didn't protest as i was only four. My parents never found out but after a year or so i no longer saw him as netball finished and our parents drifted apart. when i was 6/7 i realized what had been done to me. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, i was horrified. My parents to this day still don't know. I occasionally see him but we ignore each other. Seeing him makes me sick. I am now 16 and can never forget about it. Does this situation count as child molestation? Through out my life i have doubted myself as a victim because i was only four and he was six and i wasn't particularity upset about it at the time. i remember not wanting to do it but he would convince me otherwise. Is this a serious issue?

I mainly want to know if this is real molestation or just kids being curious. I would also like to know ways i could prevent this happening to my future children.

[RockRose]

I think in general,  this is what used to be called "playing doctor".  In most cases,  parents realize what is going on and put a stop to it before it happens as often as it did in your case - it appears you were completely unsupervised at net ball practice.  

I don't think the law would have any interest in pursuing this - he was 6,  you were 4,  it was 12 years ago and I think you'd agree it at least appeared consensual.  

I think a lot of children engage in sex play,  but as I said,  it doesn't go on for a great length of time because they are supervised better.  Can you talk to a counselor?  It would be helpful to know specifically what about these incidents are so upsetting to you.  

Best wishes.  

[Nighthawk61]

I get you. I agree.

[ItWasFreelyGiven2Me]

I think you're spot on. It becomes abuse when one person is engaging in the activity to exert power over the other person. The capacity to know if it is wrong is also key to whether or not it is abuse. Neither of you were old enough to have developed the mental capacity to know that that behavior was not appropriate. Because our society is so huh-hush about sex,my concern is that you feel unwarrented guilt and shame for something so common. Children are naturally curious about and explore everything. In my experience what happened was normal and a natural part of development.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm so sorry that you were sexually abused in this way. This boy had been privy to the act of sex far too early in his life. He may have been abused himself, he may have witnessed his older brother or cousin watching porn, his parents may have acted out sexually in an inappropriate manner. I'm sure that he may be just as messed up when he sees you are you are when you see him. I don't think that anything criminal would happen to him now, unless when was interrogated, should you bring it up to police and they choose to proceed with trying to find out why this boy acted out as he did. (maybe his parents were using him in a child porn ring). They might proceed to find out if he would say anything against his parents. He was 2 years older so he's 18, an adult, and he might have a beef with his parents and want to get something off his chest. Should you pursue bringing this out in the open? The reason that a person would, i would think, is to open up the lines of communication in case this is a case of sexual abuse against a minor (the boy who instigated the action against you) needs to have his parents or whomever the adult was that may have introduced him to this sexual act, outed and dealt with in the courts. The reason why it's important to expose and investigate this type of behavior is to save other children from being abused, to get the boy help should he need it, so that he is not as likely to continue to act out, with other children that he comes in contact with).

The first thing you would do, is to talk to your parents about what happened and talk about whether police involvement should be pursued. Did your parents ever leave you in situations where you could likely be harmed.? Are they responsible in part for leaving you alone with this boy alone for too long? for instance, were they drinking and socializing instead of watching their two young children? Are your parents , do you think , super responsible parents or could they have also dropped the ball and were less than responsible themselves.? The reason i'm asking, is because this is the dynamic you would be dealing with, and you need to be prepared. If your parents were in your eyes good parents, I think you need to tell them. And , I think you need at this point no matter whether you talk to police or not, that you need to talk to a therapist about the incidents when where and how this took place and benefit from their expertise in the field of child sexual abuse. (you would look for a therapist whose specialty was childhood sexual abuse or rape).

I personally think that the ideal situation would be your talking to your parents, your parents talking to his parents, and you all sitting down with clear heads, and talking about what happened. I think if this was a case of this boy being left on his own too much, maybe seeing something he shouldn't have, and acting it out, that ideally, he should apologize sincerely and you should try to forgive him actions , if after hearing him talking about you, you thought that it was just a question of a  little boy knowing too much and acting out sexually.

You've heard about growth hormones in milk etc giving girls their period at 10 years old and having breasts much earlier than in the past.? With the huge advances in wifi and social media, and computer access to children, kids in your generation can easily fall prey to innocence lost, unlike any generation before them. This might be a question of you both needing to sit down, talk, allow him to apologize and allow yourself to find closure by forgiving him, iF you come to understand he is not a hurtful child, just a mismanaged kid.

Could you imagine yourself going up to him, and asking if you and he could have a coffee somewhere, and talk? and can you imagine him saying yes. And you telling him, i wanted to try to handle this on our own before i discussed it with my parents.  When we were such and such an age, you and I spent time together, and you used me sexually and I''m having a really hard time with it now. I thought maybe if i heard what you thought about it, i could somehow understand and forgive you and find closure. Do you know why you did what you did to me? I've heard that some kids act out sexually at a very young age, because they have been sexually abused themselves. Are you okay? Have you been sexually abused by anyone.? I want to try to help you if i can by reaching out to you.

Or option B. Talk to your folks, and talk to a therapist, and find out how to handle this from a professional standpoint.

I'm glad you posted here, and are ready to talk about it. That's fortunate because if you move on without addressing it, it can affect how you think of yourself, and it can affect you making choices about your sexuality that you otherwise would not be making. You could become permiscuous, or you could be afraid of boys and completely shun them. You i think could use a therapist no matter what, and as your first priority, because honey, for whatever the reason, you have sustained an injury to your soul, and you deserve to talk to someone who can help you and make sure that you find the right balance. There's a ballerina whose exercise program i'm starting to follow whose named Miranda Esmonde-White who called balancing your life the "Goldie Locks Effect". So, with the right help at the right time, you can find resolution with what happened to you. and you can move forward in a manner that will keep you healthy happy and wise.

I'm here always if you need to talk. People make friends here, and i hope you have many of those that can help to mentor you in your life. You can never have too many of the right kind of friends.

God bless you for posting girl. Keep it real. Peace out. Liz

[I_needhelp444]

I, too, am a victim of child-on-child molestation. It happened to me at age 5, by a 9 year old boy, who fondled me. I repressed those painful memories up until I was about 18 years old, (I'm 19 years old now.) I find my strength through GOD. No matter where I go, I know for a fact that He will provide strength for me. GOD Bless! I am praying for you.

[lynnePerucca]

I personally would not consider this abuse given the age of the little boy. My guess is you feel guilt due to going a long with it. I would like to see you dismiss this as you would any other non-sexual in nature behavior at this age. I would never tell you to feel or not feel like a victim. Like a Psychiatrist once told me "You feel how you feel".  ~ I so hope you can realize this was a young child doing something he knew was off limits, but, chose to anyway, like sneaking an ice-cream out of the freezer. I would suspect that this boy was abused., (sexually by an adult). I think "Abuse" is someone doing something that KNOW causes another long term permanent damage, trauma or anguish. I don't think a 6 year old fits this. (Just my opinion), but if you feel guilt, I hope it goes away. Since this boy knew this act I would sure be concerned on his adult, even pre-adult behavior. I am Very sorry you are carrying this. YOU done nothing sexual in my opinion, as we don't know about sex at this age.

[Smurfdog1]

Ages 4 and 6!!!!      And how did either of you know to do that act at such a young age?
Neither of you knew could have known it was wrong at that age, but still if you are remembering it now it must have bothered you!    While I don't think it was done as a hateful act if you feel the need to talk to someone you should!    At the age of 6 I was still eating dirt, and hated girls.....

[Cailey0203]

It can be counted as that but he was 6 nothing could happen,  also he could hevae saw somehting like that nline, his parents, etc.
I would tell your parents about what happen, so now when you see him could think what was i thinking, etc.

[Mandimick84]

I think you should see a therapist. They will help you to understand that this was not molestation.it was wrong, but neither of you knew that.

[Nighthawk61]

So, you say...when i was 6/7 i realized what had been done to me. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, i was horrified. This means that you suffer from ptsd.

That's why "seeing him makes me sick."

I think that anything sexually that is done to a four year old girl is sexual child molestation and should be treated as such. The pain that you felt at 6/7 is the same no matter who did the harm to you.  You were a victim because you were not being watched close enough and came to harm.

I don't think anyone can tell you if this is a serious issue or not, I think you need to work this out in therapy. To revisit the issue with a professional therapist. I don't think that anyone else can lead you successfully through the door that will make you feel better. I think a therapist can give you coping skills. In other words, i don't think that saying this is pretty run of the mill cuts it. And i do think that it could leave you some what maladjusted sexually if you don't make you important enough to make that year or two that you cried yourself to sleep every night important enough to find some kind of closure over.

My brother used me for sexual gratification at a very early age and it hurt my self esteem, my value, my innocence. I reacted badly, although there was a lot more than that bad going on in my life.

The only way to get the best answer for this sweet heart, is to talk to a guidance counselor or therapist (that you would have your mom and dad arrange) and talk it out, find out if anyone professionally trained in childhood trauma has anything they can give to you, moreso that we can here.

You're worth it young lady. Reach out to Mom, that's why she's there. Trust me, it will always help you to share your burdens in this life, but to do that, you have to care about yourself enough to think you deserve that kind of attention.

You do matter enough to talk to a therapist about this, maybe start with the school counselor, and if it continues to bother you, or you feel she's not giving you anything you couldn't have gotten in a fortune cookie, reach out to an accredited therapist and see what a bit more education will net you.

Thanks for being brave and posting here. hope you stick around here for many years to come.
Let us know how you're going to deal with it, okay? We care. Liz

[Nighthawk61]

I never told my mom what happened to me and i regret that I didn't talk to her about it. I think she could have made me feel a lot better about the situation, if she had of told me that she was sorry there was not more attention given to us kids, back then. And i think a good parent, would bring their child into a therapist to work through the feelings of grief you felt when you were 6 and 7. Hopefully she will arrange that for you. But, if she doesn't , you can. and you should. Take care. I'm here if you ever want to talk via private message on my home page.

[hannah72526]

I really do want to see therapist but right now i don't think it is a particularly good time. My dad has cancer in his spine, pancreas and liver. My mum used to work 2 jobs 6 days a week and my dad had a job as well. Now my dad is almost incapable of taking care of himself and mum only works at one job once or twice a week. A therapist simply would cost too much at the moment. My mum is stressed all the time i would hate for her to worry for me on top of my dad.

[Updowndo]

You can find free or reduced fee mental health clinics in almost any town or city. Even some churches have counselors on staff. Check one out.