Horrible experience for a great girl

[northernlight360]

Hey guys,

So i have been dating this girl for around four months, and recently she informed me of a horrible thing that happened with her father.

Apparently she came home intoxicated one night, and her father had just decided right there to force her into sex. She was unconscious for a while, but woke up telling him to stop.

Now i couldnt find one thing wrong with this girl, she is great. Nice, funny, beautiful, caring.

The wierdest part is that this whole thing really doesnt seem to bother her too much. I mean she is really a normal girl, does good in school (university), and doesnt have any problem being involved in sexual stuff with me. I can't understand it. I feel it was more devastating for me to hear this than for her to tell it. She still lives with her father and her family, who does well, and claims that he only did this once (not too long ago that is).

I am just really confused. She was honest enough to admit this to me (I am only the 2nd person to know besides one of her friends), so i feel that she would be honest enough to tell me that it affects our relationship, and it really doesnt seem to bother her anymore. It scares the crap out of me when she goes home to her family, because she still lives with this pervert. She was not a minor when this happened, so maybe the normal effects of an incest situation did not affect her like it would have normally effected a young minor??

I really need some help understanding this. We are going to talk more about it soon, once I am able to see her in person again (tomorrow), but I just need to insight. I mean she was still disgusted by the incident, felt very violated, and has a hard time talking about it and doesnt get along with him at all, but it really just doesnt seem to effect her everyday life like it would effect somebody else.

I am also very worried that this might happen again, but I dont know what to do since she hasnt told anybody.

thanks a ton.

[jo929]

i also agree with RockRose there is something missing, and would watch my self in this relationship and do be careful you are to young to be a dad, i haave a problem beleving she would live with her abuser  luck  jo

[RockRose]

northernlight,  I really wish you well.  I feel like you are walking into an abyss.  

You are not getting the whole reality.  Speaking as a 50 year old woman with teenage sons,  you need to keep your eyes WIDE OPEN.

This is not as it seems.

I don't mean to keep acting negative,  and this is the last post I will make in this thread.  

[specialmom]

I am really close to a friend that something like this happened to her. It has affected her in many ways.  Here is one . . . she got married to a highly sexualized man (wants sex as many times as possible and thinks once a day may be not enough . . . and will use porn, etc. regularly) . . . but she put on 50 pounds after the first 6 months of their marriage.  Then it was 100 pounds.  I am not joking.  I asked her if she had been sexually abused in her youth because this is actually something that is a sign of abuse.  And sure enough, her father had done something similar as what your girlfriend is saying.  What the subconscious does for someone like my friend is that it pushes a man away any way it can.  The weight is her  physical barrier.   She seems matter of fact about the incident (for her it was a few more than just once but not too many)----  and says she is okay with it.  Her subconscious is clearly not.  

I tell you this because it is almost impossible for something like that to happen and not have some kind of psychological damage done.  Survivors of sexual abuse have very complex emotions afterwards.  While I am happy that my friend suffers no outward depression because of her abuse-----  she suffers in other ways.  She's been in therapy now for 10 years because of this.  She is almost 50.  

It is a very sad situation and I would never ever criticize how someone is getting through that.  I would be concerned for her though.  I think telling you is interesting.  What did she want you to do with this knowledge?  I just suspect that she is mixed up right now which is understandable and this will resurface over and over in her life unless it becomes surpressed like a dream.  Could you suggest to her that she may like to talk to a therapist about it?  Also, she doesn't have any younger sisters at home does she?  And I know she is in college and all----  but being that drunk wouldn't be a good thing if it is done regularly.  Does she often get so drunk?  
I agree that you sound like a very nice and caring young man.  Mature for your years.  Good luck.

[northernlight360]

RockRose,

I too am concerned that this problem is far more than the incident she described to me. It is tough for me to bring this up with her, because all of the reading I have recently done on sexual abuse is telling me not to push her to talk about it. I dont want her to have to go back to the time(s) she has been hurt. She really is a wonderful girl and I am so glad to have met her. But I will find out soon enough.

Is the story I described really THAT unbelievable? I mean I really dont think so, based on the way she told it to me, and the fact that our sex life is perfectly normal. I know she could be holding back alot of emotions inside, but I still feel that anything worse than what she has told me would really disrupt how a person can live life. And she does not seem to be disrupted at all. She still explains how much she doesnt like to leave home, primarily because of her friends and other family, but again, this could just be her holding back her fears from me.

Thanks again.

[RockRose]

northernlight,  if you said she had been date raped and this is how she was handling it,  I'd say that sounds great for her.  Some girls who are raped are able to force themselves back to normalcy,  and are able to put it in the past and not let it define their lives.  

Her story thought is SO ODD.  There's a piece in this story that's missing,  in my opinion, and it could be any of the pieces.  

Keep your eyes wide open,  and be open to any possibility, including that she's had a lifelong inappropriate relationship with him and can only force herself to describe it as one incident, or that she was so drunk she is remembering incorrectly.  Anything could be going on here,  it seems,  except what is actually being described.

I wish you the best.  You seem like a very caring sensitive young man.

[northernlight360]

thanks guys.

I do understand that right now she is still in this "denial mode", but it still worries me because she has to go home to him every so often. This could turn into a major problem later on in life for her.

Is it possible for people to just block out these events for the rest of her life? I mean i know it will pop up on her every now and then, but if it never happens again, and she learns to deal with it and just live with it, is it really a possibility that it will never affect her that much?

[AmberMarie86]

People handle things differently. If this happened then it seems to me shes a strong girl for not letting it ruin her life. What do you think she should do? Hide out in her room and cry every second? Shes dealing with it in her own way. Obviously she is having issues with it or else it wouldn't have been that hard to talk about. I'd say just support her and be there for her. You never know, this could be the begining of a long process in your relationship where she might need you to help her heal from what had happened.

[northernlight360]

and by the way we are both 19 if that helps

[northernlight360]

thanks guys,

no she had been with one guy before her dad. I am not too sure as of the details, but i will learn soon enough. She only gave me the main things. told me She didnt remember all she remembered was being so drunk and waking up telling him to stop. im guessing she was dropped off at home drunk, went to bed, and then it happened im not sure.

She has probably been quiet because of the family issues it would cause, and the embarrassment. Sometimes people dont tell of these things their whole life.

Again, not sure if she has confronted him, but they still do family things together, ex: family trips and whatnot, but sais he only did this once. I am still really flabbergasted, but will find more details soon enough.

Meeting her parents, if i ever do, will be a challenge for me. It will be hard to look at this guy without flat out punching his nose in.

thanks

[RockRose]

I think it will be illuminating what she says the next time you talk.  What does she expect your reaction to be,  if you ever meet her parents?    Like,  hello Sir I've heard lots about you from your daughter?

The details seem a little unclear.  She came in drunk,  went to bed,  and later in the evening woke up with him there?  Or she came in,  passed out in the entryway and woke up with him there?  And did she ever confront him about it later?

I have two sons about your age.  I'd tell them,  at this point,  keep your eyes wide open.  

[jo929]

do you mean that she was drunk and passed out, also was she a virgin before he forced her that is if he did, i am with you i do not understand but if she does not have a problem with it that is fine, but if it were me, i would never go home or at least i would tell my mom, and see justice done,If she is old enough to move out and this really happened i would have been out of there and to the police station, i am not saying i do norbelieve her, but why is she telling you this does she not know he may do this to some other girl, i would question her very carefully and see what she says as to why she has been quiet about this, and do not let her tell you it would hurt mom   luck jo