I am now 38 years old, growing up I was molested several times by different people, nothing was ever done, it was a different time then I guess. In 1997 I was on the phone with my older brother, he is 9 years older than me, and for some reason, either I had been half remembering or maybe having dreams, I cant even remember what exactly brought it up anymore but I had started remembering a game that we used to play, but I couldnt remember it all. I asked him about it, and he paused, then Im not sure if he had been drinking or what, but he seemed to enjoy telling me that I knew about the game, and that I liked it, and that I wanted it, and that it had started around the time I was 4, I felt absolutely sick, I was crying, just couldnt believe how he had told me, like he enjoyed telling me, which was so out of character for him. Because my mom and dad divorced before I was born, my oldest brother went back and forth growing up from time to time between their houses, eventually he went into the navy and of all my mom's children he was the only one to go to college finish, and do good. everybody thought well of him. I had walked to the payphone to call him that day bc at the time, I was in lpn classes, single mom, 2 kids, so it was hard making ends meet at times. I cried the whole walk home, went to my mom's and couldnt help myself I told her. She responded very oddly, atfirst she didnt believe me, then she kinda acted as if she did believe me but made excuses for him, Like that he was young, and he hard life, and I just need to leave stuff alone. A lil while passes, and his sickening voice, the way he tells just haunts me, him tellin me I wanted it, and I liked it, I hated him, I hated myself, and I hated everyone in my family who put him on a pedestal and wouldnt believe me, I was in a fog at school I couldnt think, I started cutting on myself when I was alone just bc so much of the time I felt so numb, and I couldnt seem to get over it. I wrote him a hate letter, after several mons, after I dropped out of school, and it just seemed that things were spiraling. I did try going to a counselor, however for some reason at that point in my life, to me it seemed to completely not help at all. I have had a lot of probs with my family bc they do not understand why I get so upset when they mention him to me, which I have explained it time and again, but they just see it as being rediculous. I dont want to hear about him, I dont want any sort of offhanded relationship with him, the last time I spoke to him was in 1997 on the payphone and then some mons later I wrote him what I call a hate letter, bc what I never could quite wrap my mind around is even if that horrible thing did indeed happen, he knew I was in college, and I didnt know about it, that I had kids and was trying to make a better life for us, why not just not tell me... instead of tell me and it ruin my life. I find myself alot of the time staying angry, I cant help it, I have really tried to just let it go, but still wanted no contact with him and didnt want to hear about him. But after a while, if on the news if there was a child that had been molested, or if I am watching a movie with same scenario, I cant get it out of my head, I hate him, I hate the others too, but especially him because he was supposed to be my brother. And also I just keep soo much anger in me because so much of my family either dont believe me, or do believe me but they just dont understand why i stay upset that was a long time ago and hes a good guy that did good for himself, is what sorts of things they say. I just cant help the way I feel or think, and it causes alot of probs in the family, and I feel guilty in a way, because my mom is getting older, but it makes me mad that none of the times that I was molested when I was young and she knew about it, she never called the police, I can even remember one time being very very young, running screaming and crying bc I didnt want to pee and when I did it was blood. I always swore when I had kids I would never let them go through any of this, I now have 3 kids, 2 of my kids are grown, we TALK nothing happened to them, my youngest is 13. Kids grow up to be adults, they have to deal with that stuff all their life... life's hard enough with out adding to it, you have to put your foot down, not sweep stuff under rugs, prosecute people who do wrong, break the circle.