How do I move on from being molested several times?

[anonymousgirl32323]

I was hoping someone could help me. I've been having some problems lately, nothing too bad, I can survive fine. I just feel bad and guilty. Bad for letting it scare me, and guilty cause I believe it's partially my fault. Most people would say what happened when I was seven wasn't traumatic, and that's partially true. I didn't think about it much after what happened then, but I did a few years later. I guess the term would be m*******ion. My former next door neighbor was a year older than me or so. Maybe he was younger, it was a difference of about a year I think. He was a brat, but I don't believe he knew the severity of what he did, as if he were older, he would..I remember he and I were watching our sisters play a game. I don't remember anything I could've said or done to make the next thought cross his mind, but he leaned towards me and whispered, "Get n****." I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just said something like, "No! That's creepy." He didn't ask me again, but he followed me as I went to the side of my house. Then, that's when he pinned me down, and began trying to take off my clothes. I don't think I yelled or screamed or anything, I just remember pleading with him to get off of me. Probably within about two minutes or so, I managed to overpower him, and I ran into my home, telling no one. Not until I was fifteen. When I was (and still am fifteen) my ex-boyfriend, (let's just call him a friend. I still have a soft spot for him.) He went up to me and said he had something important to tell me. (This was after school one day.) He said I wouldn't want to hear it, but I said if it was important, I should know..whether I like it or not. He told me this one guy ( a twenty-one year old mentally impaired student) wanted (or was going to, somehow I forget) to r*** me. I got nervous about it. Sure, he was twenty one, "but he was special ed. He doesn't know what he's talking about." I told myself. Looking back on it, I was probably right, but I didn't want to take any risks, not after the horrid nightmares I began having when I was around twelve or so. Also, I doubted that there could be any way to overpower him, if a situation, like with the other boy, were to come up. My friend told the principal about the boy harassing me, and she had him banned from the lobby, or anywhere near me for that matter. I will forever be grateful to Jacob for that, no matter what he's done, which brings me to, hopefully, my final story. This one is more sad and pathetic on my part. I was over at my exboyfriend's house. He smiled and leaned in to kiss me, so I let him. After all, he was my boyfriend, and there's nothing wrong with that. He had his hand on my shoulder, and quickly, not feeling necessarily deliberately, landed on an inappropriate part of my body. I felt my heart stop for a moment. I thought, "Was that an accident? I'm sure it was. He'd never do anything like that to hurt me," but he did. I thought maybe I was being paranoid and had imagined it, so I kept my eyes closed, believing what I had wanted to believe, and I let him kiss me still. (This probably made him think that was alright of him to do later.) Then I felt him more grabbing that part until it hurt, actually physically, mentally, and emotionally. I opened my eyes right then and looked down to see his hand there. I asked, "What are you doing?" Not wanting to accuse him immediately, in case it was an accident. He said he was sorry and that it was an accident. His apology and statement seemed genuine, even after how clear it was that it wasn't an accident. It happened twice on separate occasions, and he told me the same thing, that it was an accident. Later, months later, he admitted that the first time was an accident, and that he was threatened/pressured to by a kid in his math class. I said to him that he could've just said he did if he really felt threatened, and just not actually do it, and he told me that that was what he was planning to do, but I guess something changed his mind. I started feeling that maybe he only loved me for my body. That isn't real love. He always wanted to push me farther than I wanted to go. I said I didn't want him to kiss me as much and stuff as he wanted to, and when I said I didn't want him to, he made me feel like I did something wrong, like I denied him of something. He toyed with me..I just did not want to believe it. Also, whenever we'd go somewhere to be alone, he normally took that as permission that he could kiss me, when I just wanted to talk to him. The sad thing is sometimes I let him kiss me more than I wanted him to. I'd push him back, but he just kept on kissing me, and when I couldn't take it anymore (even though all he did was kiss me) I'd beg him to stop, and then he would. Honestly, though, even after all he did, I don't believe he's a bad guy. He's not sinister. After all, he's just a kid (we're both fifteen) and kids make mistakes. At least after he molested me, I did him a favor and didn't let my parents or his parents know. I spared him some of the guilt. I know he felt bad enough for what he did, and that guilt alone was more than he deserved. I think he did love me for who I am, though. Maybe it's a foolish notion, but he was almost always very patient with me. Whenever I felt badly, he'd just hold me in his arms and tell me everything would be alright. It sounds really messed up, still having feelings for the boy who touched me..but if anyone else knew how he was before, I think they'd understand. I left him. I feel guilty for leaving him..I feel like somehow this is all my fault.....I need help..

[Godisfaithful]

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. If you are having these feelings, you should talk to a professional. But it also appears you are not sure is you were molested by your ex. Talking to a professional might clear things up for you. If you were molested/raped, that is not your fault. Praying you get the help you need. I would also suggest not to put yourself in those type situations. Please be careful in the future.
Veronica

[RockRose]

anonymous,  your post is a little confusing.

If you only want to kiss,  and don't want to do anything at all further with a boyfriend than that,  it's okay to say that.

But it's also completely normal that a boyfriend would try to do more,  sexually,  than just kiss if you're alone.  And when you told him to stop,  he did.

I guess I'm seeing this as a complete lack of communication and kind of misunderstanding normal cultural expectations on your part.  

In the future,  if you only want to kiss in a sexual manner,  and want to do nothing at all - at ALL - more,  you need to verbally communicate that ahead of time so this doesn't happen.

[allmymarbles]

What do you mean by "molesting"?

[anonymousgirl32323]

I'm new to a lot of terms, because I was pretty sheltered from the actual terms for a long time (I was homeschooled up until freshman year), so I might have the definition wrong. I mean like he touched me inappropriately three times, although he said two were accidental. It still bothers me a bit, though I'm trying to move on. I don't think what happened was a big deal, especially from how much my ex said I overreacted, but I feel like it's not a small deal..I just really don't know

[RockRose]

anon,  I think you've got some ideas of what "inappropriate" is that might not be typical.

When you're in a love type relationship and you're kissing,  it's not really that "inappropriate" or unexpected that your boyfriend would try to touch your body parts.  You can certainly say you don't want him to do that,  but it's kind of an expected progression from kissing.  Sexual behavior isn't black and white - it's kind of on a continuum.  First is smiling and flirting,  then hand holding or touching,  then hugging or kissing,  and then more extensive touching and so on.  He was just going one more step down the trail that you both were on.  Again,  you can CERTAINLY say stop at that point.  

I agree that you've over reacted.  I think that over reaction may be a result of being so sheltered that you are kind of unaware of the signals he felt he was receiving from you.

[anonymousgirl32323]

Yeah, you're probably right. I'm a pretty strong Catholic, and he was my first boyfriend. Thank you for helping me :]