My half uncle did NOT abuse me!

[YellowSunrise]

I lost my virginity to my half uncle. I loved him and knew what was happening. We were involved romantically and sexually for many years and even lived together. I have spent the last 25 years believing he abused me because when I told my husband to be about my father being a child abuser (which is true) and said I had had an affair with my half uncle he told me that wasn't true -  I'd been abused. I never felt abused by him. I didn't feel any of the things I was told I should feel. And somewhere between the counselling sessions, my husband and by then 2 small kids I began believing that. For years. I've been depressed to the point of several overdoses. I've been promiscuous, taken terrible risks, I've been a heavy drinker. 2 years ago I decided to sort my life out. And I have done, I'm doing really well. Working, sober, calm. And I've been going through old boxes of stuff I've not touched for years. Memories. Letters, cards, photos. And I was right. He didn't abused me. My father did but  not my half uncle. Is it really so impossible to accept that happened? It's off the scale of socially acceptable I know. It is also illegal under UK law. I also know that. But that is not what has messed my head up and then messed my life up. It was living like a victim who bad things had been done to by a sick evil pervert. That's not what happened. Is it really truly the case that I have to keep these thoughts to myself? Will not one person not try and change my thoughts to make them agree with theirs? I think I am alone.

[AnnieBrooke]

You feel there was a difference between a father taking sexual advantage of his child, and a half-uncle having a sexual relationship with his half-niece.  Is this because there was distance between you and your half-uncle such that he might have simply been more like some guy you met, versus a relative?  Was he involved with your life when you were a child or did he only meet you later when you were a grown-up?  If you feel that it messes up your life to be told that this was a bad relationship when you think it was a warm one,  don't live in shame.

[YellowSunrise]

thank you for replying to me

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm thinking of a well-known professional photographer that took and publicized a lot of pictures of her daughters as children, naked on horseback and like that.  There was quite a bit of controversy over whether or not the children were coerced, not because the photographer did so overtly but simply by her authority as their mother and their love relationship to her. Certainly guys who liked pre-pubescent porn loved the pictures.  She stopped when the girls got older and told her they were uncomfortable getting photographed in the nude, meaning that up to that point they weren't (uncomfortable).  But it's an interesting philosophical question.  They were too naive to know what the photos were being used for and that kids didn't regularly get photographed in the nude by their mother, and they felt loved by their mom, so if someone does not feel coerced, is the situation coercive?

I would not feel victimized in the way that says somehow you should walk around with your head hanging in shame or act harmed if you don't feel harmed.  But some might say it was inherently incorrect of your uncle to indulge in a relationship with you even if you wanted to indulge, and that he (as the older person in the pair) should have been aware of societal strictures and should have cared about what it might do to you later if your kinship relationship was found out.  I am sorry this has hurt you, and do encourage you that if you don't feel he damaged you, that you stay with that feeling.  

[DansLady]

It is VERY possible that you were in love with your uncle and you have good memories of being with him AND he abused you. That is very possible.
If you didn't FEEL abused then the only way to know if you  I really were or not is to answer a previous question HOW OLD were you on the day you lost your virginity to your Uncle? This one question will tell you whether or not you were or were not abused. Especially if your uncle was older than you.

[DansLady]

You and your uncle were having an affair, meaning either you or your uncle or both of you were married to someone else when you and he were involved in a romantic and sexual relationship, correct? Did the other partner feel your uncle abused you?

[DansLady]

I am sorry, I really don't understand what you mean by HALF UNCLE???  He is either your uncle or he is not your uncle???
This is a made up term that doesn't exist where I live in Ontario Canada.
My ex husband has a half brother and two step sister's, each of them have grown up and married a partner. My daughter now has SIX aunts and uncles. I have never in 17 years allowed her to say half aunt half uncle or step aunt or even uncle in law, they are ALL EQUALLY my daughter's aunts and uncles PERIOD. And if she now at age 17 slept with any of them even if she wanted to I would Fu***** **** their *******!!!!

[SAMJMEYER]

How old were you and how old was he?

[DansLady]

Yes this is a must know!!!

[TG_M]

Honestly, don't let others tell you what you lived.

For what is worth, as far as mental illness is concerned, nothing is considered 'illness' if it does not meet, among others, the criteria 'negatively impacts the sufferer's life', and while not spot-on relevant, what I read from you tells me your affair did not hinder your life (and in fact, getting it labeled as abuse has). Take a cue from that.

You know better than anyone if you ever felt forced or tricked, and if not, then it was not molesting, period.

Heck, even if it were, and it's not from what you've said, nobody cares about the 'truth', only about your well-being, and if that dictates it was not wrong, it was not.

Socially, the 'my first affair was with my half-uncle' raises an eyebrow, but that's only a thing until people get it in their noggin that it was consensual.

Do you know what relationships with semi-relatives of differing ages is called? 17th century royalty. And the only problem about it is weak genetics in offspring (and you had none, so you don't care about that either).

So to sum things up: You are the most reliable witness, so we can say, objectively, it was not abuse. We know what works and what doesn't so, subjectively, it was not abuse. Bringing another field's criteria into this? Still says not abuse. Socially? A) Who gives a flying poo, B) still not abuse if anyone bothers to figure it out, and C) if you thought 'social norms' have any meaning when people's mood is in question, remember how short-lived they are anyway.

So, yea. Be happy, be confident of what you know, and if anyone tries to disagree, touch their nose, make a high-pitched 'boop' sound, and refuse to acknowledge further efforts to tell you your business.

[mr_chicken]

Thank f for this response. Bravo. losing my mind in socially constructed guilt for years. So much stuff on this site is people trying to ram their ideas of what constitutes abuse to people who needed a voice like this, not someone who has never even been in such a situation screaming "what? your ten year old is consensually fooling around with your 9 year old. CPS, now! it's abuse! Bet your laundry is nowhere near as bright too!"
You make a good point about the time period / Wealth point changing societal standpoints. Incest between siblings was considered minimally taboo in ancient Egypt, but between twin siblings was considered different as they were two halves of the same person, and they saw it as akin to masturbation.
I wish i had a voice like you tell me throughout my life exactly your balanced, wise advice. thanks, from another one of us lot.

[mombojombo]

mr chicken, nowadays they call that child upon child molestation and it usually IS just that  One of the kids had someone else be sexual with them and then they do it to another child.  We've thankfully evolved since ancient Egypt.  I don't think we should demonize kids that perpetuate things that happened to them but get them help.