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Avatar universal

Is it possible to remember sexual abuse later?

Hi Medhelp,

I am a 23-year old man, recently engaged. In a conversation with my fiance, we were talking about how we would approach "the talk" with our children. I made a comment that it would probably come up naturally when we had to "check" them. She was confused, and I kind of brushed it aside.

When I said "check" them, I was thinking about how my mom used to make me pull down my pants so that she could check if I was "developing properly." I would protest, and she would say it was "her right," and that I should at least listen "after all she had been through raising me." So I would expose myself, and she would feel around and rub my private parts for a few minutes. I have vague memories of this from elementary school, especially when I was homeschooled (ages 8-12).

I had rarely thought about these memories conciously until this conversation, I think in part because I have been in a parenting class at the YMCA, and one of the sessions focused on physical and sexual abuse - raised in a tight, mostly Evangelical community, this was the first time I'd learned about it.

However, I have vivid memories of her telling me that she didn't have sex with my father (they were separated at times throughout my childhood) and that it had been unsatisfying, and of her grabbing my butt and squeezing, and telling me that it was "so good", probably a few times a week until I left home at 17.

I am wondering if this is the kind of thing that would be considered sexual abuse? I have a copy of my medical records, and there wasn't any medical reason for her to do this. It worries and scares me, as someone who hopes to have kids, that it took me this long to questions it, and that I don't know where boundaries should be.

And, is it possible to remember these things in retrospect? I have heard a lot in the news about false memories.

Thank you; sorry for the long question.
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Avatar universal
Hi - thank you all for your responses. I appreciate the outside perspective and take your answers seriously. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm so sorry that your mom was so messed up. Boy oh boy, she's going to feel really bad for herself and for you when she finally figures it all out (most times after they've passed). If your mom has passed, i think that she now does know how inappropriate her behavior was (that affected the whole of your relationship). Parents make all kinds of mistakes with their kids, but what your mom did to you was just awful controlling sexually abusive behavior and i'm so sorry that it happened to you, i'm just so glad that she didn't take it further than she did.  

Congratulations on your future marriage. I think it's very important that you go to a  therapist and draw a line in the sand, deal with what happened, and become very solid that you know just how wrong it was for your mom to  cross the boundary of sexually abusing you. And i think you should talk to your finance about what happened to you as a child. Thing is that for folks that are abused but don't know how bad it was, (haven't truly dealt with issues and found closure) they can repeat the behavior with their own children, and i'm not suggesting that you would, only that it happens and it's important for you to truly do the work and are able to let your fiance know that it will never happen with your kids.

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Avatar universal
Yes. My mother did something to me. My daughter who is now 27, recently had a recollection of a rape at 8 by her cousin.  It broke her. Please get counselling or the anger will fester
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Avatar universal
I am sorry to hear about your frustrations which are very relevant. As a mother one five I can tell you that touching and checking your child like that IS sexual abuse. After the age of 2-5 years old it is the parent's job to teach the child how to "check" themselves!!! The proper way if your mother's concerns were legitimate would've that she get you age appropriate books from the library on sexual health and teach you how to bring up any questions to a trusted doctor or nurse. Please talk to a trusted friend or therapist about this and do not do that to your children. Hugs.
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