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Avatar universal

Just saying...

The private messages I got on this issue are so off the wall,. I am just too tired to even explain it...maybe I will copy/paste this horrible advice I received a bit later. Why are people so ignorant??
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983679 tn?1276833336
Narla is right on with what she said!!
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1032715 tn?1315984234
In your last post you wrote that support suggests feeling sorry for or empathizing with.

Empathy actually means understanding how someone else is feeling.

IMO support means to give advice that's is positive and suitable to how they're feeling or to be there for them if they want to talk about their feelings,how they're feeling is more important than anything.It needs to be validated.

Telling someone to get over it does not deal with how they're feeling,if only it were that simple.It just pushes memories down,but they do resurface I've dealt with this for 37 yrs and it's only since I've been honest about what happened and dealing with my feelings that I'm being able to slowly GET OVER IT.  
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757137 tn?1347196453
"Support" can be interpreted in many ways. I assume it to mean "help."
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319399 tn?1254531681
* i know it makes you mad to have people invalidate your feelings but try to shift your attention from them and on you. I am here if you even wanna talk and know that some of us do understand.
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319399 tn?1254531681
Hi Jen
I couldnt help but notice your post. That is indeed some pretty tough issues you have on your hands. These are not problems that will go away  just by telling yourself to 'get over it" as some might suggest. If it were that easy then this entire forum would have been null and void. I assure you that there are people here who truly understand what you are going through and is here to reach out to you in a supportive way. When i think of "support" i do not consider it to be pity and support should never be likened to pity either because they are two different concepts. The support that this group offer is not sympathy, it is more concerned with empathy and it is very sad that some people just cant tell the difference. I hope they get around to it. I am a teacher so ill explain this in educational terms. There is a theorist that explains this support better...it is Lev  Vygotsky i think who called it scaffolding "Scaffolding is a notion that allows us to conceptualize direction towards change and then when conceptualization happens the person is gradually helped (by a second party)  to make healthy decisions towards this change until he can perform effectively on his own" Our motive here is not to help because we feel "sorry for" anyone, it is to help because we 'understand' and can 'relate" and is 'experienced' and therefore can offer our 'assistance' out of  a 'genuinely concerned and caring heart'. It is not about encouraging someone to 'dwell' on the past but rather is about 'validating it" and thus "helping" the person to "accept" what was and cannot be changed and 'deal effectively" with the feelings which comes as a result of these past unresolved issues. Telling a person to 'get over it" is not different from what the abuser did when he/she said "don't tell" or "keep quiet" about it. Some people will try to shut you up Jen simply because it is "unpleasant" to talk about and they cannot stand the 'pain' and 'uncomfortable' feelings  they have when these things are discussed.  This is why it is so vital that this perpetual "culture of silence" regarding abuse should and must be broken.

You do what is right for you and try to look past words and into their hearts. Some of them seriously are trying to help but just dont understand how much their words can be venomous. Dont stop trying to get up out of the ashes of your situation. I know it is difficult but someday  it will be better.

Go  seek counselling, reach out to others, whatever your heart tells you to do.

All the best



  know it makes you mad to have people invalidate your feelings
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1052851 tn?1307741160
Obviously "this girl" you speak of, was in contact with the wrong people. I have been misunderstood sometimes by what I write, but I believe that most of the people on this site are here for understanding and any advice they can provide to assist them. I have never (knock wood), had a bad experience on this site, and I think I am right in saying that most of us are here to help.

I am sorry to hear that she had a bad experience.
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983679 tn?1276833336
I cant help but wonder, are you here to support (as the name suggest--"abuse support"..)? What makes you wanna be on an abuse support forum if by your own account you are a more "nutz to the past" kind of gal??  I am not tryin to be rude I just dont understand.
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535822 tn?1443976780
There you are jenna most feel like that... this forum is for support,we all need empathy sometimes , I know how you felt,its done now move on and let them alone ...
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1032715 tn?1315984234
It's great to hear someone else with positive good advice,It took me until I was 47 to get the help I needed and that is why I urge people to seek help earlier,and then they can learn to deal with anything.I'd like to know why allmymarbles has a problem with empathy,understanding how someone is feeling doesn't mean your pitying or feeling sorry for them,but then what is wrong with feeling sorry for someone.  Denise
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Avatar universal
If it was a pm. It should be handled that way in my opinion. IMO.... If it was meant for all of us to c, it would have been addressed here on the open forum.

I would hope that whoever it was, was only trying to help? Otherwise, why bother with the pm. I dunno, seems like its only gonna deter people from responding to a post for fear of retribution if the OP doesnt like the advice? Just thinking out loud and thanking god I did not respond.
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897990 tn?1248268956
NO ONE on this earth has the right to judge another human being and please for your own sake ignore those that are judging you and sending you negativity. They are clearly here only for themselves and not for the benefit of others. I would strongly suggest you do in fact get some counseling. I to am still in the process of healing and have had a bad addiction problem in the past but I took responsibility as I can tell you are doing also. As I said I am still in the process but counseling has been the best thing I have ever done. It will be hard and by all means take as much time as you need getting comfortable with your counselor ....it took me months to fully trust mine but once you do it really is a tremendous relief. Also there is nothing wrong with looking for support here as well thats what this site is for and I know I never heard you ask anyone to feel sorry for you. It is in our nature as caring human beings to feel empathy for others that is not the same as feeling sorry for someone so once again please disregard the negatives. I am appalled at some of the things that have been said here. I wish you all the best and hope you find the help you need. God bless!
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1032715 tn?1315984234
I'd just like to know how supporting someone who has been through a trauma is feeling sorry for them,you can support without pitying.I know one girl who came to this forum for support was so hurt by a lot of what was said to her "no support at all"that she has not come back to get some of the good advice she really needed.
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535822 tn?1443976780
Please post as you said who this was and what they said this is not okay, I have helped on this forum for a long time ,folks come for help it is not okay for them to abuse you in private , dont let them win , you came to us for help and we advised as we could , post what happened into your jourtnal for all to see...I am sorry this happened , please ignore them they are the ones with a problem ....
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1032715 tn?1315984234
It does say at the top of this forum Abuse SUPPORT community.
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757137 tn?1347196453
I should think this forum is for advice, and hopefully, insight, not support. Support suggests feeling sorry for you, or empathizing. But that doesn't help you. Advice and insight are what you need to address your problem. Different people handle their problems differently. I am one of those who would say, "Nuts to the past." That may not suit you, so look through all the comments and find one that does.
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1032715 tn?1315984234
You need to deal with your childhood in a way that suits you no-one else can tell you what's right or wrong for you.If you want and need counselling get it now the quicker It's dealt with the better,Remember It's your life so you work at your pace,I also get sick of people who say just get over it,if that's what they've been able to do then that's great but they shouldn't expect everyone to be the same.I'm using counselling and It's the best thing Ive done IMO.
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Avatar universal
I think everyone is missing the point here...I JUST told my family what happened...THEN just two days ago, I found out my dad had sex with my Aunt and she was abused by my grandfather. You don't get it. Trauma, PTSD, abusive relationships, depression, being a self-mutilator, and once being raped and almost murdered by a man I was seeing,  NEED to be addressed. This is not the blame game for my drug habit. This is me understanding the motivations behind my depression, inability to be intimate, allowing unacceptable behavior from others, and so on. The scars from living an alcoholic parent all my life-- two actually, what I was exposed to sexually almost daily do not just go away. Children are not like adults. When we are in our formative years we learn all we know about the world FROM OUR PARENTS. Here's a concept for all of you who say I need to move on and forget it--maybe, just maybe if  I understand more what happened and why...I won't feel the need to take it out on myself anymore. Maybe all those years of not talking, not feeling, and pretending its not happening were not working? And you want me to continue that? You are joking. I will not address anymore messages telling me not to see a therapist, that I don't need God, and that I am only looking to place blame. I have NEVER talked about 25 years of this until now. I never blamed anyone for anything...I simply stated that past traumas are affecting me because I have NOT dealt with it. I cut myself, took drugs, and tried to kill myself instead. Trust me, you will never, ever get my mother to admit to anything so I don't even go there. Stop judging people you have never met. This group is for support. Good day.
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Avatar universal
The past is just that! Don't dwell on it. Everyone has things that haunt them, some worse than others. Your childhood's abnormal to say the least, but at least you were fed, housed,clothed etc.You still have affection for your dead father, that says that you can forgive. Forgive yourself! Don't think you're unique, on this site you can read similar stories, sad to say. But you've got to move on. Now's the only time that you have direct control of ~ get on with your life ~ get out & mix, find some way of lifting yourself out of those horrendous lows. It can be done, but does take a lot of work, no one can do it for you. It may sound trite, but if you can dwell less on the negatives you'll begin to feel better & enjoy life again. Do it. Best wishes, George....so yeah that's the gist of it.
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