My boyfriend of 5yr might be molesting our 3yr old son but I have no proof.

Question

My boyfriend (I'll call him Bob) and I have been together for five years and I love him deeply but I'm thinking about leaving him for the safety of our son. I personally think my boyfriend (Bob) was molested as a child but he totally denies it every time I bring it up. I even asked his mom and she denied it too. His father past away when my bf was 14. Bob is very quiet and shy. I'm the opposite, bubbly and outgoing. We make the perfect couple but I feel like I'm living a lie because I'm no longer happy and attracted to him. I think my boyfriend is molesting our 3yr son(I'll call my son Henry). I started to noticed Bob's strange behaviors when our son Henry was 8months. Bob constantly wanted to sit Henry on his lap. He places Henry directly on top of both thighs. I would understand if it was one. He wouldn't do anything strange when Henry is sitting on him but I just get bad vibes from it. I only started to notice when he would get hard after our son would get off of him. Till this very moment it's still happening and his explanation is he can't control it and does not know why it happens. I have never ever seen any physical signs of abuse but in my heart and gut I know something is going on. This feeling has never gone away since 2.5 yr ago. Henry would act very weird when I would return to the room after him and our son Henry was left alone. He acts uncomfortable and strange but tries to play it off. Whenever they are left alone I just get a weird and unease vibe. I want to leave him but I have been trying to look for proof and it's 2017 still no proof. Well tonight might be my proof and I've decided to leave him. So I got home unexpectedly around 10pm and Bob was sitting with our son in the couch, with a shirt and just boxers. He was hard onces again(when Bob is hard, he lifts his penis upward so it's not noticeable but I know the trick and noticed it). I was heated and did not speak to him for the entire night. I just grabbed our son and we fell asleep on the couch. I woke up around 2am to find Henry butt naked (no bottom on just his shirt) on the floor and Bob with no shirt just his boxers. He was covered with a blanket and our son was not. I have been asking God for proof or to catch him for years and nothing but I felt like tonight was enough proof. I can't do this anymore because I can not trust to leave Henry alone with his own father Bob. I stopped him from bathing his son,(by just always doing it and voiding him to do it), I don't feel comfortable when they are left alone, and I feel like I have to sleep with my son under my arms because I'm afraid he would go in his room to touch him. I'm not sure what type of molestation he's doing but there's no physical signs but my gut is telling me something is going on. I did addressed Bob tonight and he denied it of course. I have confronted him several times with my suspicions and he denies and dismissed them like I'm just going crazy and it's all in my head. I know something happened but didn't see it. I have also asked and talked to my son "if daddy ever touched you there" and he says no but he's young so he doesn't know. It really break my heart to end this but I can not continue to live in fear. My son safety comes first and can't continue to sit and wait for proof. I don't want to be 60yr and live with this regret. I'm scared no one will believe me. We are high school sweet heart and I love him. He's such a great guy(loving, sweet, helpful, great father, caring and etc). He's basically everything someone would want in a guy but he does have his flaws. One thing I can not accept is this suspicious or gut feeling I have about Bob. I can not wait any longer before our child become scare for life. It breaks my heart because I really wanted us to stay together since I didn't grow up in a two parents household. As for my bf he was raised in a traditional household with two parents and siblings. Everyone is rooting for our relationship and want us to stay together forever but no one know what's going on bc I'm too afraid and ashamed to explain to anyone. My mom is my best friend and I want to tell her but she will probably call the cops. I sort of feel trapped with Bob bc we have build so much together (car, house, family, accounts and etc). Not sure how everything will unfold but I'm willing to take a leap of faith and leave him. My fear is for Bob to continue this nasty behavior into our son adulthood and scare him for life. I know I'm not crazy but something is going on but can't proof it. I just need some advice and input on this. Please help!!!! I have been trying to escape for years but don't know how without making everything public bc I do not want that. We both have great paying jobs, great position in the community and our church; don't want our lives to be expose like that. I was thinking to just have him to leave and go back to his moms house and say we grew apart and our relationship is not working. Ugh I don't know what to do or think, someone please help. I feel so alone, ashamed, confused, disrespected, used and misguided. We are both African and elders encourage us to stay together no matter what but this is America and I do not want to stand by that. I'm tired of lying to myself and pushing me gut feelings away.

Mamadacco · Answer

I dont see how you could keep asking someone who is an introvert something as serious as Molestation. Maybe he actually wasnt molested at all. I also dont see how being molested as a child would make you a molester as an adult. I just dont understand the logic there.
Theres just a lot of things you left out. Is it normal that your husband sits around in his boxers? My guy does it all the time and if its really hot out, he is only in boxers. 
Finding him with the child naked though rings alarm bells for me. My son is four and we took showers with him, me or his dad, i mean...we dont anymore, the moment they start pointing and asking what is that i dont shower with the kids. But it was normal to be nude around family members growing up, it wasnt perverted or anything, just natural. But i cant for sure have an opinion on your situation because you havent given more details.
Do i think you should leave him?
Yes, you dont have feelings for him... and although i believe people can always re-spark their relationships, i dont think you mentally want to. 
Do i think he's molesting your son?
I dont know.
But i would get actual proof before going around calling him a pedophile. I wouldnt want to risk your son being in harms way, but i also dont like how many innocent people are accused because no one bothered to get evidence. I would have bought a nanny cam the moment i started to have suspicions. 
Is it weird he gets a hard on?
Not really. Men are strange in that department. My guy can get a non-sexual hard on by a certain smell...sometime he randomly gets them throughout the day and has no sexual awareness revolving around it and gets angry when it happens. 

Truly, i dont know. But get proof before you ruin a possible innocent person's life.

RockRose · Answer

I'm having a little bit of a hard time understanding the particulars.  

Does your boyfriend often sit around in just boxers and a shirt,  or is that completely out of the norm?  So you scooped your 3 year old up,  slept on the couch with him and in the middle of the night discovered your boyfriend had removed your child from the couch,  and was there with only underwear on and your child had his underwear removed?  

Sorry,  just trying to understand.  I will say,  that often when men hold children in their laps they get hard,  just from the pressure.  Nothing proving they are engaged in sex with the kids.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

Based on the following two statements, i think you should consider separation and divorce. It doesn't sound like you love your husband anymore for whatever the reason (you haven't said why and when that happened post or prior to his "getting hard". Because of the physical anomaly of his getting hard, it should be asked if this could be a purely physical response to touch, as with i'm sure a percentage of men. If so, and you still wish to er on the side of caution, do have supervised visits until the child is old enough to be cleared to have unsupervised visits with the father. You've said that your husband is "quiet and shy" and that you're no longer interested in a relationship but please, keep in mind, that a "quiet and shy " father is not a problem for a child the way it might be for a outgoing person such as yourself. His love throughout your son's life is just as important as your being in your child's life. and just as critical in his becoming a strong male figure.

I'm  concerned that you've said that ""I personally think my boyfriend (Bob) was molested as a child but he totally denies it EVERY TIME ?I bring it up. I even asked his mom and she denied it too" You continually ask a shy and reserved man, AND HIS MOTHER,  whether he was molested? I sorry that i don't understand. This seems like ABUSE  to me to continually try to have someone telL YOU what you apparently want to hear. 

Honestly, if i was talking to your boyfriend, one thing that i would advise is that he get a lawyer handle visitation, and to go through with whatever is asked of him til it is obvious to the courts that he is not molesting his son and can then develop a long term mutually beneficial relationship between father and son, as it should be.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

"I personally think my boyfriend (Bob) was molested as a child but he totally denies it every time I bring it up. I even asked his mom and she denied it too" 

This confuses me. When did you start to think your boyfriend was molested (before or after the baby) and what were the signs? This is a very serious allegation with lasting effects (plus cause and effect) and i wonder if this is a sign that you may be mistaken about him abusing your son. You've said that you believe your bf has been molested, when him and his mother have both denied it. Chances are your bf has not been molested, more than he has been from what you've said. My sister told family members that she thinks i was molested and i wasn't. It's a shocking hurtful statement that permeates the relationship that brings into question honesty and trust. As i've said you've not said when you came up with this scenario, if before or after your husband "got hard" having the baby on his lap. I believe that there may be a sensitivity issue and cannot have anything touch his penis without it getting hard , but not necessarily have lewd thoughts about a child. This could be a possibility, in which case he would not hold the baby on his lap. Problem solved. 

In your first two points, you've said that you thought your husband had been molested - stating no reason why you would say that, ie. because he "got hard" like this could have been your thoughts before the baby. Then you said that you're not interested in having anything to do with him, again, is this the state of affairs prior to his "getting hard" which is the only thing you've said that might mean that he has a problem  -- but gain, sensitivity does not equate to molestation. Although it is an uncomfortable physical issue to have, still not convinced he's having lewd thoughts.. The fact that you have not given a time line to your feeling like you're living a lie, has me wonder if the problems between you  and he have existed prior to his "getting hard" and may be clouding the facts and issues with you wanting out of this marriage. 

Just my opinion. Am I projecting because my sister was adamant that i was molested? Was my sister saying i was molested so that she could use it to gain custody of my son? Perhaps. Indeed when i was going through a rough patch, she took my son from me saying that my boy was showing signs of , again, molestation, when i got an impaired charged coming home from a lounge where i had one too many. After my son was cleared by social servies, i was awarded custody of my son and my sister's temporary custody was terminated. Was it all a set up? Was her telling me not asking me, that i was molested a sign , since, obviously one that has been molested it is proven, to be more likely to molest. Knowing her, I say yes, it was a set up. I believe it was intentional. She also used the same molestation charge and had her daughter lie to the courts about her husband she was angry with. Afterward, it was forgotten and he moved back in , I guess she only needed a break. That's my story, i know. Not yours. However, when dealing with something so inflamatory to your husband, and to you son, since it is he that would lose so much not having his birth father in his life, I wonder if you've asked a doctor whether there's a possibility that your husband is Physically Overly Sensitive in his Groin area  and if that could be the reason for his getting hard when anything touches it. Still, as a mother I understand why you cannot take chances. So I think that a reasonable solution , and one your husband could be made to understand because of his "getting hard" that he have supervised visitation, while the child is groomed to talk to a child therapist, who teaches the child to talk about himself/herself, and have the talk with a professional about telling the professional if he/she has had any untoward actions, or feelings when in the company of the father. So i think that this issue should be out of your hands, and into the hands of professionals. And the reason i say this, is because you are done with your husband, i get that, but your child should not be. Further, the whole topic of molestation should be handled by professionals. as you have taken on the role it seems of judge and jury with concerns to whether your husband has been molested, with no proof of it , you are seemingly convinced. and i don't think at this point impartial. So please do keep your son safe, but use the correct channels so that your personal thoughts and feelings about a man you want to divorce does not make you thoroughly impartial. IMO

I hope this helps.