Self loathing

[throughthelookingglass]

Have any of you battled with self esteem after sexual abuse? And body image acceptance? I cannot accept myself and i also hate the face i see in the mirror, the pain written all over it and a reminder of the family line,(my grandfather abused me) a constant reminder of the past. It hurts so bad still to be in this body. I am forty now and should have found peace with my body but i have not...i do not go out and shy away from friendships. If i ever come into any money i will change my look so that i look very different. Can any of you relate?

[Angelinthemorning]

I battle with self image issues everyday.  Some days I can make it almost all day without having a negative thought about myself.  I was in counseling for one year for abuse done by my father.  One of the most helpful things for me was disproving my negative thoughts.  I still do this everyday, anytime I have a negative thought or feeling come about I write it down and then write down three things that disprove it.  It may sound ridiculous to some but, it's very enlightening for me.  I think I will probably always feel "less than worthy" but, I also logically know that is just something I was told for the first 19 years of my life.  Maybe the next 19 I can convince myself I am worthy.  Worthy of love, blessings, and self-worth.
When we're abused we have a big part of ourselves stolen from us.  Usually if it's young in life we never get the chance to feel that unconditional love that is supposed to be given to us by those who care for us.  Whether it's a father, sibling, grandparent it makes no difference.  We lose trust in someone we are taught from a very early age that we are supposed to trust.  I think that's why we really have self-image issues...we don't even trust ourselves enough to feel good about ourselves.  Anyway, I really hope that you can work through each day and find one good thing everymorning about the way you look that day.
If your not already maybe you should get back into to counseling.  Even some group therapy...it's always nice to feel like you're not alone.

[throughthelookingglass]

Thank you Denise, for sharing...I do so want to feel different...amazing it does not matter what other people tell you... about how you look, if one cannot feel the love for oneself..it is so hard to see oneself as o.k, worthy. I am so happy for you that you are progressing with your therapy. I have also found such therapy helpful..in my twenties i did alot of going back and connecting with that little girl...poor thing..it is true that when you connect with your child self(inner child)  that one can feel protective and love that child. I had forgotten that.  Thank you for reminding me.  I have my up and down days, some worse than others. My husband adores me and cannot stop telling me he loves me and he also loves the way I look. I do make it so hard for him because I feel so cold inside when i'm told these nice things...I find it hard to be happy about it. The saying that you can only love others when you love yourself is only partly true...i think if you love oneself like say..God does, one can love others ,more. I love people and care about what they feel, but i find it easier to love others before myself.
I'm babbling...I have had councelling...to answer your question...hypno therapy, regression therapy, psychotherapy, christian councelling, prayer..all have made me feel better in some ways..but i think abuse is something we live with forever. I have also been diagnosed with bipolar 1, apparently had it for my whole life..which also explains alot. I had a serious breakdown 4 months ago, " I believed I could fly off our roof" my husband got me in time! I have been on medication for that and have had a normalish month.It makes one feel very alone and sad, yet I am not alone because so many out there including yourself have had so much heartsore. We are all here for each other, I am amazed at the lovely people on here.I would like to send you love today, have a good one, i send love to 48yr old Denise and little girl Denise...all of you..I know how hard it can be..I look forward to chatting to you.

[narla]

I was sexually abused by my brother at the age of 7 to 10,he is 10 years older than me.Yes I hated myself,I blamed myself,I felt guilty and was disgusted in who I was,I still do not like mirrors I hate what I see,I'm in counselling now and some things are starting to become clearer,I'm learning to love the person I was at different stages in my life.It's not easy,but I feel I have to do this.It's the only way I can learn to love myself now.I've been in counselling 6 months now and we have only scratched the surface of my feelings and emotions,I have a 2  hour session every week.Have you had any counselling?that would have to be your first step in coming to terms with who you are.Good Luck. By the way I'm 48  

Denise