Don't beat yourself up. I had my penis stroked by a friend's older brother when I was 12 and I,in turn, touched a few friends penises (with consent). I used to always beat myself up about it but I went to therapy and ended up finally dropping the guilt. My life is no longer defined by the actions of me and others in childhood
You were 10? And your parents grounded you? As they should have, but it is you that has been hardest on yourself. Now if you had been older, then that would be a different subject altogether. I think its time to forgive you and not look back on foolish childhood antics that never went any further than childhood antics. Exploring, curiosity, and in those times would have been considered nothing more. Nowadays tho, different story altogether. Nowadays it would cause one to question their sexuality altogether as I have seen some do.
That's great, forgetmeknot. Just great. Great that you have a dear friend who understands, and you are willing to move on with her.
This is so far in your past -
Thanks allmymarbles, sweet.
Soldiering on . .
Rockrose, you have made more sense than either of the therapists I've seen. Thank you for such good advice.
AnnieBrooke, thank you for your advice as well.
I sent my friend an email explaining that I felt weird and would understand if she wanted to back off on our friendship. This morning there was an email and a voicemail from her telling me that she how glad she was that I shared with her my past. She has also shared some intimate things as well, so that was why I told her about my past.
This is one of those things that I look back and cringe and wish I could undo. I wanted to get her perspective on it. She basically said what Rockrose said, and that I should give myself permission to move on and let go.
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice on this.
Wise comments and advice.
Probably your friend is just embarrassed rather than shocked or judgmental. It's a pretty deep thing to share, so if she is distant, it might be because she simply wasn't at the same level of intimacy with you that you feel with her.
I'm glad you talked to a therapist about this so you can put it into perspective. It might not be a bad idea to do so again, to understand the impulse to share so deeply with your friend if she does not reciprocate that close level with you.
And my guess, your sister and your cousin being close and rejecting you doesn't have anything to do with what happened when you were 8 years old.
I think your distance from your family might be more centered around other behaviors, your sexual behavior with women in your 30's, and the therapy you are seeking.
And I wouldn't share with other 50 year old women sexual exploration you did when you were in 3rd grade. I just wouldn't.
Best wishes to you. This sounds like you've had a difficult life with a lot of self-exploration - I would stop that and start looking outwards to have relationships with people that are based on what is going on today, not 42 years ago.
Best wishes.