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Sexual abuse by cousin

I have been friends with my best friend for about 10 years.  We are both in our 50's.  We "broke up" but got became friends again 1 year ago.  We have begun telling each other everything about ourselves.  All of our secrets.  

One thing that I always felt guilty about was that when I was 10 and my cousin was 12 (we are both girls) she fingered me and gave me my first orgasm.  She had always been my favorite cousin because we were closest in age.  I idolized her.

When she did this, I was shocked at how good it felt.  She told me that a girl in her neighborhood had showed it to her.  

When I went back home, I did the same thing to 3 of my friends.  I didn't force them, but I would say I was manipulating.  There was one young girl who was 2 or 3 yrs younger than me, and she told her parents who then called my parents.  It got in trouble and was grounded.

I have always felt guilty about doing this to these young girls.  As I became a teenager, I became interested in boys and never had another homosexual experience.

I don't think that my cousin knew what she was doing or meant to harm me.  We have never talked about it to this day.

I didn't mean to harm those young girls.  I have oftened wondered if I scarred them for life.  We moved and I never saw or heard from any of them since.

I feel terrible about my past,

Last night I confessed to my best friend, and she didn't seem surprised or shocked.  She said she never did that with any of her girlfriends, except once she and another girl looked at each others breasts when they were nine or ten.

I have confessed this to a couple of therapists.  Both said it was abnormal to go so far as to have orgasms but that most children play around out of curiosity.

I wanted to get my friends opinion of me and what happened.  I called her today and she hasn't called me back or emailed me.  She could be busy.  A part of me worries that her feelings have changed towards me and she thinks I'm bad.  

Am I an abuser?  Was what happened that strange?  I rarely speak to my cousin.  She is grown, married and has 3 kids.  She is now best friends with my sister.  They treat me like I don't exist.

I did kiss a couple of girls when I got drunk and thought of making love to them when I was in my 30's, but it never got farther than french kissing.  All my other sexual experiences have been with men.  I am attracted to men but sometimes attracted to women.  I am not attracted to children.

I feel guilty and bad for those young girls that I abused.  I can only hope that they are ok.

Could someone give me their opinion of my experiences?

Best Answer
13167 tn?1327194124
I don't think there was any "abuse" in your girlhood,  forgetmeknot.  There was a lot of unsupervised exploration,  but  don't think you were abused,  and I don't think you abused other willing girls.  

And my guess,  your sister and your cousin being close and rejecting you doesn't have anything to do with what happened when you were 8 years old.  

I think your distance from your family might be more centered around other behaviors,   your sexual behavior with women in your 30's,  and the therapy you are seeking.  

And I wouldn't share with other 50 year old women sexual exploration you did when you were in 3rd grade.  I just wouldn't.  

Best wishes to you.  This sounds like you've had a difficult life with a lot of self-exploration - I would stop that and start looking outwards to have relationships with people  that are based on what is going on today,  not 42 years ago.

Best wishes.
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Avatar universal
Don't beat yourself up. I had my penis stroked by a friend's older brother when I was 12 and I,in turn, touched a few friends penises (with consent). I used to always beat myself up about it but I went to therapy and ended up finally dropping the guilt. My life is no longer defined by the actions of me and others in childhood
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Avatar universal
You were 10? And your parents grounded you? As they should have, but it is you that has been hardest on yourself. Now if you had been older, then that would be a different subject altogether. I think its time to forgive you and not look back on foolish childhood antics that never went any further than childhood antics. Exploring, curiosity, and in those times would have been considered nothing more. Nowadays tho, different story altogether. Nowadays it would cause one to question their sexuality altogether as I have seen some do.
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13167 tn?1327194124
That's great,  forgetmeknot.  Just great.    Great that you have a dear friend who understands,  and you are willing to move on with her.  

This is so far in your past -

Thanks allmymarbles,  sweet.

Soldiering on . .
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Rockrose, you have made more sense than either of the therapists I've seen.  Thank you for such good advice.  

AnnieBrooke, thank you for your advice as well.  

I sent my friend an email explaining that I felt weird and would understand if she wanted to back off on our friendship.  This morning there was an email and a voicemail from her telling me that she how glad she was that I shared with her my past.  She has also shared some intimate things as well, so that was why I told her about my past.  

This is one of those things that I look back and cringe and wish I could undo.  I wanted to get her perspective on it.  She basically said what Rockrose said, and that I should give myself permission to move on and let go.  

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice on this.  
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757137 tn?1347196453
Wise comments and advice.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
Probably your friend is just embarrassed rather than shocked or judgmental.  It's a pretty deep thing to share, so if she is distant, it might be because she simply wasn't at the same level of intimacy with you that you feel with her.

I'm glad you talked to a therapist about this so you can put it into perspective.  It might not be a bad idea to do so again, to understand the impulse to share so deeply with your friend if she does not reciprocate that close level with you.
Helpful - 0
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