It's been happening for too long and I don't know how to make it stop

[Jazzmin_15]

Hi. I'm gonna try and make this quick. My parents have physically and emotionally abused me since I was little. My first memory is of my mom taking me out of my bed when I was about 2 and throwing me all the way across the room, at my dresser. They stopped physically abusing me when I was about 14 (4 years ago). My mom had a slip-up once since then this year but I'm over that. Lately I've been having major flashbacks about the abuse and it's making me ignore all of my negative emotions. Much more relevant: my younger brother has been physically abusing me since I was little but it got reallyyyy bad when I turned 16. He is younger than me but much bigger than me. He'd pin me up against a wall and started punching me when we were home alone and I'd do something he wouldn't like such as sit on a spot on the couch that he wanted (without me knowing prior to him yelling at me). I got help (not from my parents who ignored how my brother was acting towards me, but from my high school). It stopped in May of this year. But what I've noticed is even though he's stopping himself from beating me when he's angry, he still threatens me and controls me. It's as though now, instead of focusing his anger on physically hurting me, he focuses it on making me feel like crap by calling me a bunch of names, belittling me in font of people, and invading my privacy by hacking and searching through my phone. I'm starting to feel paranoid (which is rational considering all that's going on). I'm 18 which means I can legally move out. The issue is I don't have any money and I'm stuck in this city because of university. I can't simply move out because that's not something that kids my age do in my culture. We don't move out till we're married (seriously. I know guys who are 30 and still live at their mom's because it's disrespectful to the family otherwise or something along those lines). I don't know what to do. I've been suicidal since I was 9. Last week I had super strong suicidal urges but I just fought through them like always. But now they're getting worse. I don't trust a single person anymore. I have "friends" but it's more for socializing than anything. I can't deal with the abuse anymore but I also don't know how to escape it. I've went to a therapist, I sought help before, but it led me nowhere. No one gave me any resources, just empathy and words of encouragement (which I'm grateful for but I'm still stuck). When I'm home, no one wants to talk to me. When I try talking about my day or asking them about theirs, they literally ignore me. I don't know what's worse...being ignored or being beaten up.

Sorry. I guess this ended up being more of a rant than a question, huh? I just really need an out. I need this to stop and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've tried so hard by asking professionals but they've led me nowhere. I've searched the internet for resources but nothing came up for me. I'm 18 and I'm still stuck in this mess. I want out before I turn 30 and miss out on all the fun years just because of this. I also want to stop thinking that dying is my best option because I know it's not. Please, if you have any ideas as to how I can stop feeling this way and be free of this mess, please let me know.

I'd like you to know in advance that I appreciate you taking the time to read this and reaching out. Thank you.

[gristler]

Hey I'm  glad your going to a university looks like things are looking up for you. Please don't ignore yourself get some counseling cause it can come back and bite you when you least expect it. I was abused as a child and it still has affected me now when I'm  60 years old. Speaking from experience. Hope things are going well for you.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm really impressed with NSOH132's cmment to you and i'd like to think that you are rereading these comments when times get tough. Action is needed on your part. And i'll repeat something that NSOH132 has said...

I think, you will find a nice guy to get married with later, there is no need to stay within your culture. As a proud American, you can , you will find your sweetheart.

If your culture supports abuse, you need to look outward. There is NO reason to accept abuse in the States. You can join a multi cultural community and find that you do not have to through away your heritage, the love you have for your pst, or aspects of your  culture, to change the things that are unacceptable if your goal is to live a happy, healthy prosperous lifestyle for yourself and your future family. You don't have to stay within your religion or culture to respect your family of origin. FIND HAPPINESS AND LOVE. That should be your goal.

Again, thanks to NSOH132 for their incredibly helpful comments, I hope the OP comes back to know that there are others that love her from afar, and care about her happiness. lifelong.  

[Nighthawk61]

First let me say how sorry i am to hear what's been going on in your home. I too came from an abusive family, so i know how lost and lonely it can be. It helps to have others that know your situation to be in your corner.

That being said, there is one option that you are most eligible for, and that you can take, and that is to get a part time job and take out a student loan for tuition, books, and rent. You'll need to supplement the loan you would receive every September for the duration of your time at university. My son did just that, he wanted to be his own man, and not live at home. I didn't have the money to pay for his schooling and provide for his lodging elsewhere. Yes, it might be stressful to be accumulating a loan, but the Ontario Student Loan project is very lenient about payback, and won't add interest to the loan, if you are only working a minimum wage job and cannot pay the loan off. It might be theat your sanity requires that you take this route. It is not worth your mental health to stay, if you simply cannot function.

If you have a room of your own, you should be staying in it and studying while you're at University. If you can work one night a week, or on week ends, at a part time job, and you can manage to put some money away, please do so.. Stay away from your home as much as possible, until that fateful day that you can pack your belongings and leave to live your own life.

If you consider leaving by way of student loan, you needn't tell your family until you have received the funds, and can be on your way. I'm not sure if your family will disown you if you leave, but frankly, with a mother that would throw a baby across the room and a brother than would beat his smaller sister, you would not have much to miss!!

I'm here for you if ever you should call on me.
Liz

[Nighthawk61]

You have a lot of followers here who care, it would be nice if you could come back and let us know you're alright, making plans etc..  PLEASE come back dear...

[Jazzmin_15]

Hello! Thank you for all your comments and your concern. My apologies for replying to late--I forgot about my MedHelp account!! I have been doing pretty well. I'm in my 2nd year of University & hoping to go to Teachers College in another city afterwards (2 more years). The physical abuse has stopped but the emotional baggage is still there. I've been spending a lot of time outside of the house with my friends and on campus/the library studying. I just spent the past half hour or so reading all of the responses on this thread & am honestly moved to tears by the overwhelming support of everyone. Thank you again for caring!! God bless

[Nighthawk61]

It's SO GOOD to hear from you honey. I'm proud of you for attending your 1st year of your Undergraduate Studies. Time will fly, and soon you will be on your way to teachers college. I'm so glad. The things that you've described happening to you by way of your family will take work and time to heal. The problem with you not leaving, is that it sets you up thinking that managing abuse rather than walking away is an okay way to deal with abuse. That's why so many of us that have been abused at home, end up marrying into exactly the same trouble, and having kids, that also believe that it is okay for abuse within the family home. So how does the systemic abuse end? I hope that you take advantage of talking to a therapist again, about how you can heal from the past abuse, and the coldness that you now live with that you talked about. It is UTMOST important that you talk about abuse so that you know enough to be hyper vigilant so that you don't get sucked into other abusive relationships. or Heaven Forbid, have children that will have to deal with it , because you have allowed it. One new thing that might help is this. There is a group called ACOA or Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families. I went for spell when i was about 28. It was a circle of people talking about how they felt about how they were treated in an abusive situation. Sometimes it helps to talk to people directly, that have suffered from abuse, and learn from each other how to make sure the cycle doesn't continue. After the meetings, we would go out for coffee and mingle. I know you're busy, but if you're feeling overwhelmed, or lonely with the dynamic at home, maybe you should check out a meeting, and go out for a coffee with someone who truly understands how you feel.

I'm so glad you came back. Thank you so much for letting us know you're alright and handling it so far, so good. Let us know if anything changes. There are always kids in school looking for room mates, so if it happens that your family are making you uncomfortable, you CAN move out. Leave that option open for yourself. It doesn't have to mean you won't have anything to do with your family in the future.

May God bless your family in the coming New Year. 2017.!!!!

[mikehan]

First of all, I am feeling very sorry for you. From what I read, you have suffered the worst form of abuse a human could go through - from own family. Since you are 18 yrs old, you can definitely think about moving out and pls don't forget the fact that you could seek out the help of law. You should. Not that they will make things right but still you deserve some sort of justice if that's the word here. Cheers!

[sunny9978]

Hope that you are out of that terrible situation and in a better place in your life! All of the suggestions others gave are wonderful ideas. I have been in a few abusive situations and the best advice and only solution is to leave. Get away from your abuser(s) if at all possible. My suggestion was also looking into a domestic violence shelter. May the Lord bless you and keep you!!
sunshine

[Glad_to_be_a_dad]

You should def look into getting ur own place no one deserves to be treated in a way that suicide seems to be ur best option..... That blows my mind!!! I lost my middle brother to suicide last year and wish he would he reached out in a way u have... My life has forever changed and it breaks my heart to hear that you consider the option for yourself I literally just had to wipe my eyes its never that bad babe the always another option I wish I could hug u right now and just talk... It will get better just be patient.... Maybe u have a friend or know someone who is trying to move out also y'all could be roommates it's a win win... You are so young  and have ur whole life ahead of u never give up on ur self you can do anything you put ur mind to.... Have u ever thought of tAken MMA classes I know violence is not the answer but defending urself is ur right and it's very therapeutic.... Plz update soon I usually don't read these treads and this is my first time responding but I will keep up with u babe life is short and the world is at ur feet don't ever feel ur life in invaluable... I will keep up with u keep ur head up babe I will be praying for u

[Jazzmin_15]

Hello! I forgot I had a Medhelp account for a while so sorry for my delayed response and I truly appreciate you taking the time to write to me! I am so sorry to hear about what happened to your brother. Since posting this I have opened up to a couple of my close friends about my life at home. I am currently in my 2nd year of University studying to become a teacher & am planning to move out as soon as I'm done. To be honest, as bad as it sounds for me, I'd rather my family physically hurt me to the point of numbness than for me to even touch them so I feel like MMA classes would just give me so much more anxiety than I have but thanks for making me aware of that option (I hadn't thought about it before). Things have been good now in terms of physical abuse, but if things go downhill again, I will sign myself up for a few classes. Thank you for the prayers and your kind words! May God bless you!!

[Louise117]

For someone who has experienced such terrifying circumstances, you seem like such an incredible person. Just from your words I can sense empathy and kindness and depth. These situations tend to bring those things out of us, but we rarely understand how truly incredible these traits are - especially in light of circumstances such as yours.

At the end of the day, your welfare is your main concern. Nothing is worth your safety or the fear of your safety - even losing your family in the physically sense (as they seem to have lost you emotionally, regardless).

As an 18 year old, you have the ability to search out different options. Reaching out to trusted friends, or parents of friends,  who will let you stay with them; a helpline that could suggest some resources, a teacher or principal you feel safe to share this with, or even a local religious organization that you may be associated with.

It is so unbelievably hard to reach out for help and to separate from your family, but your safety and well being is worth the price - really. Only you can take care of yourself in situations like these and you owe yourself a life free from this anxiety. Once you take that first step the rest will come together. You will find those who are truly able to help keep you safe. So much love to you.

[Jazzmin_15]

Thank you SO much for your kind words of encouragement! Your comment brought me to tears (but in the best way possible). Thank you for your support. I will move out; I really want to move out, but education is the most important thing to me at this point (I'm studying to be a teacher) & I have made a deal to myself to move to another province as soon as I get my degree so I can go make a new life for myself. I do love my family dearly & do not want them completely out of my life but I've realised that I need to learn how to live & enjoy life without the constant pain.

[Bulldoggirl38]

You are grown when you turned 18 years old and I Say move out and get you a Apartment to live in Just you and any Animals you may have

[NSOH132]

Dear Jazmin 15!
I hope you ar all right and still aroud this community.
It was stirring to read your story.
I know I am far away from you. But you ytill may be interested.
I mean far away  geographically and culturally alike.
I do not see any other ways for you, but to move out from home.
I think your family really makes you a crap, which nobody deserves.
You deserve a better life, happiness and respect.
The only way I can see is to move out, as you can not change your parents, you cannot change your brother. The only thing you can change is your thinking.
I understand this is not the way women follow in your culture, but  if you want a normal everyday life you need to get rid of the family’s abuse.
You will still love them (or probably you already hate them).  You can still try to understand them. Your mum may have been the victim of similar abuse, consequently, if she can not identify the abuse, she might do the same as a mother.
You may be interested to read the book: Judith Herman: Trauma and recovery. I have read nearly the whole book and it helped me a lot to understand myself, to look over my behaviour, etc.
Anyway, I think the hellp I can give you is that I point out that it is YOUR life, YOUR responsibility, and noone else will do the steps you need to do. People can tell you that they feel sorry for you for what had happened to you, but they cannot act instead of you. You need to set your own goals and then find people to help you fulfuill them.
I must tell you that according to me moving out is not a goal on its own. If I were you, my goal would be to have a carreer, a happy family.  Then I would need to break down these goals to llittle steps. And the first would be to make my own living as so many students manage to make it.

I think, you will find a nice guy to get married with later, there is no need to stay within your culture. As a proud American, you can , you will find your sweetheart.

In case you ask for help to move out from home, and find a job  while you are a student, I am sure you will get help. But you need to stand on your ownn feet, you need to be able to survive alone as lot of other students do. Then you will really be proud of yourself and hopefully never let others abuse you.
If you only ask for help to move out, it means you just want someone else to look after you instead of looking after yourself.  It means you are prepared to hand over the control over your life to someone else to substitute your parents.  But now you are a grown up. Thouugh it is really sad, but you seem to be helpless and vulnerable  in your family.
I am sure you can find communities of abused people, who can really help. I mean self help groups. They will understand what you are /have been going through.
I mean people you can meet in person., not so much internet communities.
Wish you all the best,
ANikó

[Nighthawk61]

First let me say how sorry i am to hear what's been going on in your home. I too came from an abusive family, so i know how lost and lonely it can be. It helps to have others that know your situation to be in your corner.

That being said, there is one option that you are most eligible for, and that you can take, and that is to get a part time job and take out a student loan for tuition, books, and rent. You'll need to supplement the loan you would receive every September for the duration of your time at university. My son did just that, he wanted to be his own man, and not live at home. I didn't have the money to pay for his schooling and provide for his lodging elsewhere. Yes, it might be stressful to be accumulating a loan, but the Ontario Student Loan project is very lenient about payback, and won't add interest to the loan, if you are only working a minimum wage job and cannot pay the loan off. It might be theat your sanity requires that you take this route. It is not worth your mental health to stay, if you simply cannot function.

If you have a room of your own, you should be staying in it and studying while you're at University. If you can work one night a week, or on week ends, at a part time job, and you can manage to put some money away, please do so.. Stay away from your home as much as possible, until that fateful day that you can pack your belongings and leave to live your own life.

If you consider leaving by way of student loan, you needn't tell your family until you have received the funds, and can be on your way. I'm not sure if your family will disown you if you leave, but frankly, with a mother that would throw a baby across the room and a brother than would beat his smaller sister, you would not have much to miss!!

I'm here for you if ever you should call on me.

[Jazzmin_15]

Hello! I forgot I had a Medhelp account for a while so sorry for my delayed response and I truly appreciate you taking the time to write to me! Your words have helped me a lot and motivated me big-time. I have recently started keeping a little journal where I map out my goals & when I wish to accomplish them by. One of my main goals right now is to learn to be independent & to become a teacher in another province & the only way I can do that is to move out after University. Thank you so much for the motivation! You are amazing!!

[Nighthawk61]

I wish you would come back and let us know how you're faring ? Have you thought about separating from your family and making some friends that you can live with whiles going through university on a student loan? That's how most kids move out where we come from. They make life long friends, that they travel the world with and then having made their own friends, involve tehn in their marriages (like going to the wedding) friends that you will raise your kids with? It would be more multi cultural, your culture would be respected . Try to get involved making friends within other cultures. and make your own life. Your family aren't going anywhere, You need to.

[Jazzmin_15]

Hello! I forgot I had a Medhelp account for a while so sorry for my delayed response and I truly appreciate you taking the time to write to me! I am currently in my 2nd year of University & have made tons of friends. I am spending most of my time outside the house whether it be to study at the library (rather than at home) & to hang out with my friends. I have opened up about my family life to 2 of my good friends very recently. Things have been going a little bit better. I have decided to move out after I finish University. I'm hoping to move to another province. My issue is as much as my family causes me pain, I love them so dearly so I still want them to be part of my life, but not a huge part of my life which is why I'm excited to move out in 2 more years!

[CupCup1215]

What about a domestic violence shelter near your school. If that's a possibility, maybe you could stay there until you are financially stable enough to get out on your own. Also, there are programs through such places that will help you get a leg up on the situation. Domestic violence doesn't necessarily mean that it's husband and wife or vice versa, you're most definitely a victim of such violence. I hope this helps you, I also hope to hear a good update on your situation. You are in my prayers for sure.

[Jazzmin_15]

Hello! I forgot I had a Medhelp account for a while so sorry for my delayed response and I truly appreciate you taking the time to write to me! I am spending much of my time outside of my house as possible whether it be to hang out with my friends, go to Church, or study at the Library rather than at home. I've decided to wait until I'm done University (2 more years) to move out which I am very excited to do. Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! God bless

[Nighthawk61]

You could put out an ad, without your real name, or particulars that your brother or mother might see, on Craigslist, or Kijiji, asking if there were any opportunities for a girl like yourself to act as a live in maid part time,, or help with the kids of a family part time. If it happens, you have another choice to consider. If not, nothing lost , nothing gained.

[RockRose]

Well,  the simple fact is you do know how to make it stop - move out.  It's unlikely you will be able to convince them to suddenly begin respecting you.

No one that you talk to can help you,  I don't think.  Since you are an adult and free to leave,  no one can come to your home and tell everyone to be nice.

So it's your choice.  Stay there and benefit from the free housing and chance to go to college,  or move out and lose those benefits.  

Either way,  you are CERTAINLY not forced to live there forever,  cultural norms or not.

Best wishes.

[Justhandsome]

No matter what, you  must leave that house stat , everything else will fall into place

[3mma2010]

lemme just say that you aren't disrespecting your family at all if you were to move out. They are the ones that are disrespectful to you. So you have tree options: Stay with your abusive family members,  move out, get a job, sell some things that you don't need anymore, or call the police. They have dealt with these type of situations far worse from yours. Just be happy that they didn't sexually abuse you or anything. Ask your friends if you can move in with them. The thing that you need to do is what's best for YOU, not your family. I'm really sorry, and hope that you have a solution to this by now. If you don't, I will pray for you. Be safe! May  God protect you!!

[Jarpal]

I am very late to read your message.It is almost one year. You did not mentioned that how many peoples in your house and what are their daily activities. Anyhow my opinion is Dont leave your house. You have to study. When you finish your study then you find the job and then can take any decision. Otherwise if you take wrong decision before then you will fall in more trouble than this.

[Jazzmin_15]

Hello! I forgot I had a Medhelp account for a while so sorry for my delayed response and I truly appreciate you all for taking the time to write to me! Education is probably one of the most important things to me so I definitely am going to continue my Undergrad (2 more years) & if I get accepted will be attending Teachers College at a University roughly 5 hours away & then hopefully teach at a school in an entirely different province. Things have been going pretty well lately. Manipulation & flashbacks are still happening but I've been avoiding home as much as possible by hanging out with friends and studying on campus or at the library. And Jarpal, to answer your question there are 3 other people in my house excluding myself (my mother, father, & brother). My mom is home all day, my brother goes to high school and my dad works practically all day (5am-11pm)