childhood trauma

[gd70]

here goes.my name is gary i am 40. my olmost 17 year old son came over last weekend . i havent seen him in about 16 months. couldnt believe that 17 yrs went by. he wanted to talk to me and wanted the truth about me and my life.i started from when i could remember and i never told a soul this stuff. but i owed my son.my father always called me ugly,worthless,stupid,he hated me, he wish i would die,wished i was not born, and so on from the age of 3 till now. so i kept telling him stuff. at the age of 11 my sister came over and acused my father of molesting her and i was devistated now he was a child molester. that year was horrible my father put a shot gun to my mothers head and was going to kill her. broke her neck. i was so ashamed. i never from that day till sat nite told a soul. i lied about it and convinced my self it didnt happen. i have done that all my life. i do things to people like lie, and steal i never told the truth about anything. i had to tell my boy that i was a loser and a bad father.i have twins that are 3 and there mom is lori i have lied to her for 4 years about my life my stealing and criminal past and present it has caused many problems cause i dont feel when i do things to hurt others. for the last 5 days i have told her every lie and bad thing i have ever done most importantly my child hood. i am so scared right now i feel so open and i dont no what to do. i feel gulty ashamed, how can i get through this. i blame my self i am an adult. i coped that way for years i dont have that now. i really feel alone right now and down, open for people to hate me and im sure they do.

[margypops]

...'.and the truth shall set you free '..thats what you have done set your self free

[allmymarbles]

" i have always lied to my self ...."

But you are not lying now, and that is the important thing. From now on your life will improve.

[AnnieBrooke]

She loves you more now that you have told her all because an accountable person is a real person, and a real person is a more attractive person.  I hope you know, to keep it up is the thing.  You don't really get to go back.  You have to stay honest.  I'd definitely keep talking, and keep trying to figure it out.  If you have someone who has seen it all before to talk to, like a pastor or a counselor, even better.  The temptation will be to backslide.  I do hope you stay strong on that one, you sound like a lot better person for coming out with all the stuff.  No clenches in the gut and all.  Now you  have the fun of really getting to know the person you should have been if it were not for your evil dad.

[margypops]

I just read your post and I have to say the way you are doing this is the right way to go, once its all out you can start to put the past behind you and move on with your life, well done , for taking the hard, gutsy road, telling your boy must have been so tough, but you did it. We can all change , we can determine the road in life we will take , a lot of abused folks manage to rise above their childhoods , it will get better ,the guilt will start to dissipate . You have  made that new begining by coming here ...keep writing it down make a journal of how you feel , and stay positive ....hey ..Welcome to Med Help

[gd70]

i want to be a better person. i know it is the right thing to do it is hard i have always lied to my self and everybody else all my life i never took personal accountability for a thing. if i did something i thought would make someone think bad of me i would lie and convince my self like i did with my father at a young age thats my coping skills. my bad decisions i made are mine. my dad did not make them im the one responsible for who i am today. lori has tried to hold me accountible but i never did myself. tried to manipulate her she didnt let me. i tried for four years. dont understand why she loves me more now that i have told her all.

[AnnieBrooke]

It is going to sound stupid for me to say this, but it sounds like you're on the right track.  People will understand and forgive a lot, if you tell them what is real.  There will be change in you, too.  Can you stay with it?