how cani get over the abusive relationship

[rubey]

im 22 years old and was in an abusive relationship for 4 and a half years...i left him over a year ago but still cant get over it.. my family know but ive never spoken of the things he use 2 do me... i still talk 2 him on the and he says hes changed but i know better then 2 go back because i done it so many times before... but i still love him and i dont know why... the abuse got to a point that i would b sitting in his house and see him coming home and would have 2 go to the bathroom because the pannic and anxiety would make me sick...i dont know what to do anymore... ive had more then enough things like this happen in my life... ijust want 2 b free from pain... please help.

[Debby317]

Rubey....I was in your relationship at 22 also but I was married to him with 1 1/2 kids. When the abuse turn from me to the kids I knew it was time to go. It's very hard I know. In my case... I was determinded to make him love me as much as I loved him. And we know that doesn't work. Make the move , I know it's hard. But you have too.I went back 4 times before it was over....ya know what taught me..... all 4 times he said he had changed. Time told me he hadn't! I saw him after 18 years. BOY did I make the right choice!!! LOL I'm now married to a great guy and you'll find one too. But remember what you learn from this will lead you in the right direction next time... DO NOT repeat your mistakes. You can still love him....that's ok BUT you can't stay with him. No one should live in fear. That's not love. Hang in there I'm here if you need me.

[jo929]

I you really want help then go pronto there are places to go if you dont have money and you are very stupid to live that way my daughter put up with this for years but she had kids and he would not let her leave heis dead now so she is free but the things she still cant forget so go he wont change just abuse someone else dont end up with your nose broke your insides kicked out i think when you get older you will understand what love is all about              jo

[faithfulchild]

THe thing about life is that you cannot help who you love, but sometimes love is just not enough. It is good that you made the first step to end this destructive relationship and i must commend you for it. You are truely a brave woman and there is npthing stupid about being in an abusive relationship, especially when your line of resoning tells  you that you can change the other person. The fact is that you have come to the realization and have done something about it.

know what it feels like to be abused, when your fear is greater than your will. No one will be able to understand this until they have been in your shoes. Please ignore the ugly comments that have been made about you and cling to the ones that offer some solution to your situation.

Its not going to be easy for w   while especially knowing how you feel about him. However, you must resist the uimpulse to get back with him no matter how sincere he may sound. Forgive him, yes, but do not allow yourself to risk such mistreatment again.

You are always going to feel the effects of what happened to you, but you cannot allow these to dominate your life. the only way to take control is to accepopt what you have been through and move on taking one day at a time. Take things slow if you ever find another significant other to love and make sure that he understands what you have been through so he can offer support. Do not allow yourself to be victimized again for what he did to you.....live your life .

If it is necessary, talk to someone about it, preferably a therapist so he/she can help you get through. Otherwise, join a support group and let yourself heal.

I really wish all things work out for you.

God bless

[dove3053]

Your are very young and have the rest of your life to live. Get some help. Don't let this destroy the rest of your life. Speaking from experience I know it's possible for people to fall into patterns of going out with the same type of men. Point being don't make the same mistake twice. Abusive men can be very charming at first and you don't know until it's to late.

Take Care,
Dove

[bdoon]

My wife is abusive and I am working on a divorce after 22 years of not so happy times. it is funny that when my wife goes away for a week or so I get so serene and relaxed but when she returns I get uptight, defensive and hostile. That tells me all I need to know. I guarantee you there are others in the world who will truly love you without the abuse. Don't go back...pleasse stay away. Don't make the mistake I made because of my own insecurities.

Be strong and turn it over to God...even if you don't believe in God It believes in you.

[jml1986]

If a relationship was solely built on love then there would be no reason to leave a mate. Reality is love is not worth taking a beating. You need to stay away from this man and if you can not do it on your own, there are places to go that will help you.

[kikilillis]

Hello,
Just read your mail and I can so relate to it. I have just come out of an emotional abusive relationship that lasted 8 years, I am now 24.  It took me so long to realise how he was treating me was not healthy. Then I went on a web sit about emotional abuse and on the quiz about emotional abuse I nearly got full marks. I also found a great book The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverley Engel, it has become my bible and really helped me deal with some of the anger and pain.
I was also suffering for panic attack for six mouths and was so sick with nerves at one stage I could not eat or function for 12 days. My mother but it down to a vomiting bug. I am still in recovery and I have also taken the decision to go for therapy. Finger crossed it will help me get some perspective back in my life.
Best of luck and you deserve to be happy and try never to forget it.

[jo929]

just being nosy why would one stay 22 years in a relationship that was not good did someone change your mind maybe dont want to step on toes just curious    jo

[jml1986]

This may not be what you want to hear but just because we love someone does not mean that we can have a relationship with them. I have said more then once that if love was all it took, we would not have divorce attorneys. We get into a relationship with one person but we divorce another one. You may never stop loving him, but you should love your children more, and for that reason you need to do whatever it takes to keep those children safe.

[kaylarenee632]

i recently got out of an emotional and physical abusive relationship. i know i made a huge mistake but i cant go back in time. i am 6 months pregnant by this man. i am 21 years old. i have a restraining order on him. he is no doubt abusive. i cant believe i let myself get in this situation. why do i still love him. it seems like it would be so easy to get over someone that has put you through so much. he always tells me how much he loves me and how he will change and he never did so i gave up... not only that but he would be a terrible influence on our unborn son. how can i just make these feelings go away. he still calls me but i just dont answer. im so confused does anyone have any advice?

[taryndenovo]

    It is true that you have never judge someone until you yourself has been put in this situation. Just because you know someone who has frankly doesn't mean ****. Until you have been through this yourSELF you should not try to judge this woman's decisions and the psychology that goes behind them. There is so much more beneath the surface than anyone who's never been through this will ever realize. Calling a girl stupid for staying in this situation is the most ignorant thing you could possibly do. It will only make her recalcitrant and she will turn a deaf ear to those who try to help because no one wants to listen when they are being called stupid. Especially if the relationship has given her a slew of insecurity issues, you act like an *** to her, and she'll just sink deeper into the cycle of abuse.
    Trust me I know I have been there. I stayed with the man for well over a year after he put me in physical therapy and you wanna know somethin ironic? Some of them never hit you again after such trauma. The truth is though that the emotional abuse will never stop and it is up to you to stop allowing yourself to be this person's victim. The other fact of the matter is that you will simply never get over what your lover has done to you. This beyond any other is the biggest betrayal of trust. You will never again feel as safe in his arms as you once did. The insecurity that keeps you there will take hold and you will say things like: He needs me, I will never be as loved by anyone else, he scarred me and noe one else will want me like he does, I won't feel this close with anyone, I am afraid he'll get angry if I try to leave, he owes me money, I have or love his child, he made it up to me so sweetly, his apology was so sincere. ALL OF THESE ARE ******** EXCUSED AND ARE AFFIRMATIONS THAT YOU HAVE ALLOWED YOURSELF TO BE PUT AT HIS MERCY AND THAT YOU THINK IT IS OKAY FOR A WOMAN SUCH AS YOURSELF TO BE VICTIMIZED. You are better than this. You can be stronger. It isn't your fault in anyway and don't make him force you to feel guilty because he seems so distraught over what he's done. It's the same vicious cycle so many of us have been through. I escaped. I never thought I'd be happy again. And I was alone for a little while in a town far away from my family and friends. But you know what? Those months alone, those months of freedom, were the happiest I had ever been. Being with my ex made me appreciate life and my new love more than I ever could before. It still hurts. Every day I am reminded by the pain my body still bears and the doctors say I don't have long until I am in a wheelchair. But I AM FREE. Don't let yourself be a slave to doubt, shame, insecurity, or sympathy for the ABUSER. Become a beacon of hope for those younger than you, steer them away from a path you know is paved in tears.
  Don't be afraid to reach out to people. Just try to make sure it's someone he doesn't know. Write your story down. It will help to affirm what you've been through and how strong you have become because of the ordeal.
Dum Spiro Spero--while I breathe, I hope

[taryndenovo]

Meant to say make sure he doesn't know the person on that last bit. also sorry for all the typos hope the message is still clear

[margypops]

look at the dates this is quite an old thread you may or may not get a response form the original poster,, why not start a fresh thread.

[faithhope72]

I know this is an old thread but I needed to read what was written. I just got out of a relationship with a man who was extremely emotionally abusive but I held on thinking that this is the man who God sent to me...UGH. Now that phrase is amusing.lol But there are people who are still searching for an answer and me being one found this so I am glad that even though the original post is dated people are still looking at it

[hope351]

i knoW how you feel :( its been over a year and the memories and tears still remain, i am with a new guy who isn't abusive. i cant forget these images of some abusive situations. why arn't i happy? even in anew r/ship.
xx hope

[s7vensteps]

Understanding the growth of a tree (for example)  one should look to the (root) or, (seed). After all, that is the cause of it's origin, right?
So, why have none of you (folks) not looked to the (root) or, (seed) of Love? Where does (it) come from? Who created it? Why was it created, and for whom? Moreover, what are the characteristics of this: Love?  Sadly, most people would have lived their entire lives having (NEVER) experienced what the "Word" truly means.
To take advantage of someones ingnorance (lack of knowledge), by prescribing medications or self-help tapes all for exorbitate amounts of money having never delt with the (root) issue(s) is simply shamefull. Take this and have a great day.1Corinthians: Chpt13. Here you will find the Origin of what Love truly is...

[dragonfly777]

61 years old. husband died after 28 years, he was emotionally abusive, after almost 2 years of being single a good looking bad boy came on to me. after 6 months of knowing him we became lovers, very abusive, what self esteem i had i lost. broke up in april because he was arrested on past abuse charges while abusing me. have not gone
back but i miss him.

[trish192]

Ive just read some of the testimonies of abuse and they sound so much like mine combined , but my comment is if you dont have the support from family what do you do? i love him still and when do i get past that, what are the steps in getting over that ? we have a son together and he is so good with him and it makes me melt everytime i see him kiss him he doesnt physically abuse me in front of , i almost feel like i am having an outer body experience when i go back the same repetitive abuse happens ...do you think that with counceling it will help if he is willing?

[allmymarbles]

Don't you think it odd that you would love someone who harms you? What is your definition of love? Or are we talking about need, not love? Ask yourself what it is you need from him. And then ask yourself if it is worth the abuse. Abusive relationships are usually more complicated than they appear.

[theplayground]

My whole life men have hurt me.3 childhood molesters,1 adult date rape,my father dies js like that,my boyfrnd of 6yrs beats me(I aborted his baby).is this my destiny!mayb its my fault!

[jens0317]

Its so hard to just leave I'm in a similar situation we fight everytime I try to say how I feel he takes it as just bitching and me bugging the hell out of him makes me feel so crappy and uncared for idk wt is it with these guys I knw he loves me that I'm sure we have been through so much and all because of him he cheated twice second time I left our home we were apart for 6mths immidiatly after he befriend this girl maybe a week later he began to have sex with her this was his new coworker stop at the liquor by his wrk there they were drinking abeer in her car he said and I believed it tht he hadn't done anything just hanging out talking about relationship problems I knew were tht was headed and I left the next day I couldn't stay it would happen anyways well didn't knw tht was his coworker till her man contacted me myspace and told me she was cheating onhim we relied on eachother for a while through emails we were bth hurt well he was seeingher made it clear he loved me but instead of getting me bck he fooled around with her then after six mths relized he wanted me bck tht girl was pist she so wanted him to ask her out what he told her was it was never gonna happen and he was gonna get me bck and couldn't talk anymore she was pist! Didn't take him right away but did she continues to wrk there have had email confrontations she hates me I hate her! My bf has changed so much shows me care and love but sometimes I'm so insecure his doing something I go crazy and we fight so much it gets outta hand sometimes he puts me down sometimes tells me he loves but I need to loose weight I'm a lil over weight makes me so insecure she is skinny not to long I found him holding on to dirty pics of her I saw them and I'm so hurt now he did delete them but after 7mths and only cuz I found them he gets mad tht I try to look at his phone but he doesn't hide it I sometimes go through it but I knw thungs can be erased so I dnt bother but he gets so mad if I do it front of him idk if he's really changed or if its me all in my heas I feel his love but when we fight feel he hates me after we spend a lot of time together he gets annoyed and I'm left thinking if its just an act but we live together again besides those six moths apart its been 3yrs living together I'm so hurt so hurt and we used to be tht crazy couple I'm proud to say we aren't like tht and we fight like once every 2 weeks once mth we explode and there's times we've hit eacother I defend my self but there have been times I throwed the punch on his arm he's pushed me I can see him tryna hold his anger but sometimes he can't and has hit my body or grabbed me pushed me I feel like we love eachother so much we show it but with all the crap in the past is hard to heal and believe and trust specially knwing they wrk together he has a good position I dnt want him to leave wish she leave we have good times but the times we fight he hurts me so much he's called me names said things tht I'm ashamed to say then he is sorry and I can feel he is but sometimes I feel I forgive him so easyly like if I let him get away but wt else can I do without leaving him its bth of us him for the way he treated me and what he did me for not trusting him and giving him some space I call him a lot I knw but I start thinking his with her on his breaks they used to mess around on their breaks my ensiety gets to me I had my first ensiety attack not to long ago I hate feeling like this! Wish she was gone! My anger takes over me and I treat him like whatver sometimes but he is like tht most of the time! He hates me cqalling him when he gets home his already angry at me annoyed and I can see y ..but makes me angry tht he doesn't reasure me idk what his doing and he says his not gonna tell me what his doing tht he does whatver he wants tht I'm not gonna tell him what to do wich I'm not I'm just scared I never tell him what to do I call him cuz I think she's with him! I'm emotianally drained my selfesteen is none existant pushed my friends away can't go out cuz hell go out to a bar or something feel I'm caging myself and him in he doesn't comfort me makes me feel he can do whatever he wants makes me feel like if I dnt like it I can leave basically I feel disrespected and powerless I feel like I can't take the pain of being put down intead of comfort I'm really hurt and he has no idea how much he put me through!

[jens0317]

Its so hard to just leave I'm in a similar situation we fight everytime I try to say how I feel he takes it as just bitching and me bugging the hell out of him makes me feel so crappy and uncared for idk wt is it with these guys I knw he loves me that I'm sure we have been through so much and all because of him he cheated twice second time I left our home we were apart for 6mths immidiatly after he befriend this girl maybe a week later he began to have sex with her this was his new coworker stop at the liquor by his wrk there they were drinking abeer in her car he said and I believed it tht he hadn't done anything just hanging out talking about relationship problems I knew were tht was headed and I left the next day I couldn't stay it would happen anyways well didn't knw tht was his coworker till her man contacted me myspace and told me she was cheating onhim we relied on eachother for a while through emails we were bth hurt well he was seeingher made it clear he loved me but instead of getting me bck he fooled around with her then after six mths relized he wanted me bck tht girl was pist she so wanted him to ask her out what he told her was it was never gonna happen and he was gonna get me bck and couldn't talk anymore she was pist! Didn't take him right away but did she continues to wrk there have had email confrontations she hates me I hate her! My bf has changed so much shows me care and love but sometimes I'm so insecure his doing something I go crazy and we fight so much it gets outta hand sometimes he puts me down sometimes tells me he loves but I need to loose weight I'm a lil over weight makes me so insecure she is skinny not to long I found him holding on to dirty pics of her I saw them and I'm so hurt now he did delete them but after 7mths and only cuz I found them he gets mad tht I try to look at his phone but he doesn't hide it I sometimes go through it but I knw thungs can be erased so I dnt bother but he gets so mad if I do it front of him idk if he's really changed or if its me all in my heas I feel his love but when we fight feel he hates me after we spend a lot of time together he gets annoyed and I'm left thinking if its just an act but we live together again besides those six moths apart its been 3yrs living together I'm so hurt so hurt and we used to be tht crazy couple I'm proud to say we aren't like tht and we fight like once every 2 weeks once mth we explode and there's times we've hit eacother I defend my self but there have been times I throwed the punch on his arm he's pushed me I can see him tryna hold his anger but sometimes he can't and has hit my body or grabbed me pushed me I feel like we love eachother so much we show it but with all the crap in the past is hard to heal and believe and trust specially knwing they wrk together he has a good position I dnt want him to leave wish she leave we have good times but the times we fight he hurts me so much he's called me names said things tht I'm ashamed to say then he is sorry and I can feel he is but sometimes I feel I forgive him so easyly like if I let him get away but wt else can I do without leaving him its bth of us him for the way he treated me and what he did me for not trusting him and giving him some space I call him a lot I knw but I start thinking his with her on his breaks they used to mess around on their breaks my ensiety gets to me I had my first ensiety attack not to long ago I hate feeling like this! Wish she was gone! My anger takes over me and I treat him like whatver sometimes but he is like tht most of the time! He hates me cqalling him when he gets home his already angry at me annoyed and I can see y ..but makes me angry tht he doesn't reasure me idk what his doing and he says his not gonna tell me what his doing tht he does whatver he wants tht I'm not gonna tell him what to do wich I'm not I'm just scared I never tell him what to do I call him cuz I think she's with him! I'm emotianally drained my selfesteen is none existant pushed my friends away can't go out cuz hell go out to a bar or something feel I'm caging myself and him in he doesn't comfort me makes me feel he can do whatever he wants makes me feel like if I dnt like it I can leave basically I feel disrespected and powerless I feel like I can't take the pain of being put down intead of comfort I'm really hurt and he has no idea how much he put me through!

[cassiemarie1986]

i am in a similar situation now and trying to get out. i went back to him several times after he has constantly verbally and physically abused me. he compared me to his exes and to someone he was obsessed with before me. he is an alcoholic yet that's no excuse for him to do what he's done. he's choked me and almost punched me. he's smart. he did things to me that wouldn't leave a bruise. he forced himself on me after he threatened to kill himself and made me drive 40 minutes to go help him.  he's threatened to kill me and my family even though my parents don't know about him at all.  these types of abusers are very good at manipulating others. they can be sweet, smother you with love and then bam....for no reason..just attack you.  two nights ago he used the suicide excuse on me again and he attacked me all for a previous argument we had about why i was avoiding him bec i was working. He has said every word in the book to me, downgraded everything from my looks to my intimacy with him.  i mean everything don't want to get too specific but he made me feel like i wanted to run so bad the other way.  it hurts. really does. it's more emotionally painful than physical.  how can he love me and do this to me? u know i'm not ignorant or a stupid individual and i agree with the previous comment stating that once you say to someone that has been through abuse, that they are dumb, it's wrong. it makes us want to go back or not fight hard enough to leave. these types of abusers prey on beautiful smart sophisticated people.  i put myself through school without financial aid and help i graduated in 5 yrs striving to work and pay my loans.  it was tough but i did it. i have a great loving family and great friends. i'm saying this because i know there is nothing wrong with me. the fact that i went back was wrong. to all you abused victims, please stay strong because it's a cycle just like a roller coaster. we went almost 7 months without any problems, had one small argument at my job and he snapped just like that. they need help and they'll never change unless they truly commit themselves to that help.  i'm so hurt, i just want my pain to go away soon.