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my gf was sexually abused..

I dunno where to start..here it goes. My gf and i have been living together for about 3 and a half yrs, been together for four yrs. a yr after we were together she let out and told me she was sexually abused by her dad from the ages of 8-18. i believe rape occourred between ages of 8-10. her mom and dad were divorced when she was 8. my gf ended up staying with her dad. i met her when she was 19 i was 22. she has always been insecure in our relationship and worrys so much. im sad to say We both have cheated in our relationship. we tried to work things out but she still argues about the past. When we became pregnant we were excited i figured when she has her first baby all the arguin will stop. but it hasnt it has gotten worst. Ive come to a point where it comes to mind "what if she needs help?" should i get a counsler. i really want this to work out but all these fights are putting a serious dent in the relationship.Im 25 and shes 23. Would all this thats going on go back to when she was sexually abused? i have tried for her to want a counsler, she refuses. i have talked to her to let it out, she refuses becuase of her grandparents their about 70 some. I dont know who to go to all help is appriciated. thank you
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Avatar universal
She isn't going to go to counselling until she is ready, and I hope for the babies sake, she gets ready soon.  I don't believe that every fight is because of her sexual abuse, after all, you cheated too.  You can't blame YOUR actions on HER!  And, both of you need to get into counseling, as you are an enabler, and I bet you are constantly accusing her of starting all these fights because of her "abuse" issues, so STOP!

You guys need to work on your RELATIONSHIP, and YOUR CHILD, and let her deal with her abuse issues.  You can be there for her, support her, believe in her, but don't FIGHT WITH HER when she goes off the deep end once in a while.  Your an adult too, and if you really want this relationship to work, you need to understand that her issues are probably going to cause friction, and you have to roll with the punches and know that it's not directed at you.

The cheating on both ends may have destroyed her trust in you permanently.  Her cheating was not acceptable, please don't misunderstand what I am saying, but I understand her motives.  Men expect that from her, it's what she was taught.

You cheating was a direct hit on everything she was taught negativiely about men, they are scum, they can't be trusted, they will use you, etc,.....

I'm not saying any of this is right or even fair, but it is what it is, and if you want this to work, you better stick with it and realize that this is how it is going to be for awhile.

Now, for HER!  She better realize that if she wants this relationship and she wants her baby to grow up healthy and happy, and she want's a family, she better "MAN UP," and get her butt some help.   Sounds like she's living in and wallowing in her own self-pity, and you can't grow and step out of the mess until you deal with it and let it go.

How do I know all this?  I was incested, raped, tortured, abused for 18 years by family and their friends.  She needs to consider you and your child's feelings also.

Both of you need to get counseling, seperately and then together.

Good luck.
Helpful - 0
82861 tn?1333453911
There is so much wrapped up in childhood abuse.  Fear, feelings of helplessness and worse - guilt.  Where sexual abuse is concerned, the victim commonly feels guilt.  Did I deserve this?  Did I bring it on myself?  If the victim felt sexual pleasure at the hands of the abuser the guilt is doubly worse.  "I enjoyed it therefore it wasn't abuse."  Rationally, we all know that isn't true, but it's extremely difficult to overcome.

As others have already posted, I agree that you should see a counselor for your own sake.  You aren't a therapist, nor should you be.  You can't fix this problem - only your girlfriend can do that when she's ready.  The problem right is the behavioral issues in your relationship that stem from her abuse.  A counselor can help you learn coping skills to better deal with these issues than engaging in an argument.  The fact that you willingly see a counselor on your own may make seeing one less threatening for your girlfriend.

Don't expect overnight results.  You've signed as her life partner knowing about the abuse, and further made a baby with her.  You're in the relationship for the long haul and she may not feel she deserves you.  It may feel "safer" for her to be difficult and drive you away so she doesn't have to deal with her past.  It's always easier to blame others and run away rather than facing the root of our problems.  All you can do is let her know you aren't going anywhere - particularly when she wants to argue.
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Avatar universal
Thank you Denise and Connie for taking the time to help someone in need. I will not pressure her to see a counsler rather let her tell me when she is ready...i have alot of patience i just hope and pray i dont run out for the family sake. again thank you for your comments. :)
Helpful - 0
1152782 tn?1451101426
I agree with narla, you can't force someone to go to counseling.  If you want to see a counselor to talk about what you go through living with someone who was abused that would be great.  She may see that you stop reacting to her and you are working on improving yourself, that may make her want the same for herself.  Counseling was the best thing I ever did. I went when I was 11 and again when I was 16 and 18 but I was never ready to talk.  Not until I was in fear for my life from a different relationship I was in was I ready to talk to someone, and it took quite a while to be able to be honest with the counselor, I was just turned 25 then.  
But my point is, seeing you go to counseling and improving yourself may make her more comfortable going herself.  Just a thought.
Good luck! I hope it works out for you guys.  Lots of patience to you, I can't even begin to tell you what my poor husband has to put up with from me from my past.
Helpful - 0
1032715 tn?1315984234
You can't make her do what she isn't ready for.Reliving the abuse through counselling is not easy,I am 48 and have only just been able to do what was needed to move on with my life,my husband stuck by me through all the hard times, we had we have now been married 30 years,he made some concessions and tried to understand what I was living with everyday of my life,I did not tell anyone about the abuse until my late 20s and that was the hardest thing to do,I had counselling twice once in my 20s and then again  in my 30s but I wasn't ready to open up and be honest about what had occurred.You have to let your girlfriend decide when she is ready to confront what happened to her,she is the only one that will know when and if she is ready.If she would like to talk to someone who has been through a similar situation I am quite happy to chat with her,but remember don't try and pressure her into anything.

Take Care  Denise
Helpful - 0
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