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Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

Alcoholic


Really looking for advice. I have a son who is 3 with someone, and then I have a 1 year old and am pregnant again with my current fiance. He is an addict in terms of alcohol, mainly beer. He drinks everyday starting whenever he's ready. I don't feel as if he necessarily gets DRUNK everyday though. When he does though he's a huge *******, whose right about everything, starts drama, gets loud & intense, verbally abusive, a belittling to me. It *****. I love him very much. We have had physical incidences occur, especially when he drinks liqour. I like to think of myself as a calm and peaceful person. Lately I've just had enough, I don't want my kids to be around such an intense person at such a fragile ages. I've moved us to my mom's house for the last few days to give each other some space. His insurance doesn't kick in for another month for him to see a counselor, we're supposed to be finding a new place to live within 3 weeks, and were a one car family. I don't know what to do. Do I keep myself and children at a distance? Do I let him figure it out on his own? Do I get away and stay away while I have the opportunity? His family has pretty much given up on him changing and I feel like I'm the only one there to help him.
4 Responses
Avatar universal
Laurens92788,
I am the mother of an adult addict so I can provide some support relative to being codependent. But first I need to be very, very clear. You must not reside with your fiancée until he is sober. Period. You are pregnant and very vulnerable physically. There is not a family therapist in the world who wouldn't tell you emphatically: You can't be under the same roof with him while pregnant until he is sober for a period of time. You have 2 babies who must be protected. Stay in your parents' home please!!
If his family has "given up on him" that says a lot. He sounds as if he has a hardened addiction to alcohol. He must want to change. He must want to get sober. He will not do that until he decides to change. The fact that he becomes verbally abusive while drinking tells me that he has the potential to harm you physically.
I know other will come on and post as well to support you. As much as we want to "save" them, we are powerless to do so. In fact, as long as you will tolerate his addiction, nothing will change. If you love him and want to try to have a life with him, give him the distance and space to decide how much he wants the same. And as hard as this is to tell you, it may take a very long time for him to decide he can commit to sobriety. Take care of yourself and your babies. That is the only thing you should do right now. Please let us know how you are doing today.  
3060903 tn?1398565123
I agree with Strongerone completely. I am an alcoholic myself, and i can tell you that alcoholics are often in a black out , and have no knowledge of how they are acting or what they are doing while in one. You are not safe to be near your husband until he does get his insurance, and finds the help he needs. He needs the time to do what he must to either get back to your family, and commit to do what he should.

My child was the catalyst that i needed, to finally deal with my addictions, get into an Outpatient Rehab, follow through a year long after care program at the Rehab; attend aa and na meetings, get a sponsor; get and keep a job, On top it, i also initiated blood and urine testing every second day after the year long drug testing was off the table with the rehab program.

An addict that wants to right by their family, WILL GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO DO SO. An addict hat has dealt with addiction is a very strong individual and can pull out all the stops and be what you need them to be as a parent and spouse. I promise you, you can expect the best out of your husband. and don't need to over compensate by expecting a so so reaction. He is capable of so much more than that.

Plan to stay with your folks. There is no way he can get the help he needs and prove to himself and you that he is ready for full time parenting. Alcoholics can get violent very quickly, and verbal abuse is your warning. Don't allow this to get any more out of hand than it already is.

I suggest that you go to Alanon, while at your mothers. I also suggest that you consider, if you have not already , talk to a career counselor. If it is possible that your folks are able to help you with baby sitting, i suggest that you consider upgrading your education, so that you can plan on being the sole support for your children. Addicts can relapse, and all are not going to  make it to long term sobriety . You need to plan on the being both mother and father to your children.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family.but there is a whole lot of help out there to help your husband and yourself. I would learn through Alanon, to only support your husband's PROVEN sobriety. Plan on your husband having to complete rehab, and a year long after care program. Plan on giving him drug tests before being any where near your kids. Plan on expecting him to do his part. That's how you can help him. I can tell you form experience, that although i was addicted to many substances, it was alcohol that truly brought me to my knees and affected my child the most. and the worst. Learn to live by the experience of others, so that you and most importantly your kids, don't have to experience it first hand.

This is all about YOU. and how YOU protect your kids. Your husband's alcoholism is second to that. You need to be the best mother you can be, or trust me, you will always regret not doing so.

Tell me the good news.? Can you stay with your folks and get free babysitting,? and can you get a student loan and possibly welfare while going to school ?  Are you open to going to aLANON, can you check out a meeting right away?
3060903 tn?1398565123
whether or not you and your husband ever stay under the same roof, all these things are absolutely needed to get done by you...

3060903 tn?1398565123
Please feel free to private message me, via my profile page, if you ever need to talk I've been where you are, My own husband was an addict, and we arranged for him to go to a 90 day |Relapse |Prevention Rehab, after finding he had relapsed for a few days. He's been clean and sober since, but when he was with his first wife, he was completely at a loss as to what to do, and was never able to get the help he needed, His ex never suggested anything by way of treatment and had no real expectations of him and so he failed miserably for years. It IS important what you do , with regards to your husband's addiction and you have done the Best thing , by leaving , You just need to stay gone until he proves himself. or you will be enabling him.
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