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Avatar universal

Another question for former drug users. Please advise

I've been posting about my son and his entry into hard drugs. What are your thoughts on this since many of you are older and can look back at when you were 19 and maybe a user. My husband is pressuring my son to get a job but he won't. We have another attorney bill to pay for his dwai and my husband says we are making it too easy for him.  My son knows we can pay and that's not an issue for us.
To be blunt, this boy feels entitled and to work at $8.00 an hour is not worth it. He'd rather sell weed (which he's done). If he doesn't get a job, my husband wants him out.

While I know the right thing is for him to work, I can't bring myself to agree with my husband. Will throwing him out send him right back to drugs? Shouldn't we nurture and help him recover at home even if it means not working? It's only been a few months.
5 Responses
Avatar universal
Hello, I personally have been addicted to drugs my whole life.... That being said I can tell you what has worked for me to stay clean. My doctor put me on gabapentin, also called Neurontin. Within a week I was free of all previous desires for drugs and or alcohol. Its extremely impressive considering its been a life long fight. I like your son was living with this struggle every day. Its a battle for him. Remember that your son needs you, b ut also needs the support of a doctor to become a healthy member of society. Once you have introduced these chemicals into your body that's all it knows. It want more, gabapention for me has been a cure. A doctor of course would have the best information for your son. Rem,ind your husband if his son had cancer he wouldn't be throwing him out, because of the doctor bills. Drug and alcohol addiction is the same, a disease.
Just so you know gabapentin has not been approved for treating addiction, but has had many promising studies.
Not trying to sell you on a certain medication, just a doctors care.
3197167 tn?1348968606
You said, "While I know the right thing is for him to work, I can't bring myself to agree with my husband. Will throwing him out send him right back to drugs? Shouldn't we nurture and help him recover at home even if it means not working? It's only been a few months. "

Speaking from years of experience.....your husband is right.  You aren't "throwing him out"....you are giving him an ultimatum....to live here, you have to have a job.

Cushioning circumstances is the BIGGEST mistake we can make as parents.  We prevent them from learning personal responsibility.  Our job is to prepare them to make it out there in the world without us....not USE us for paying for our mistakes.  

If you would begin to get some support for yourself, you would understand that you are doing the right thing.  Al-Anon has online meetings, chat rooms and there are a lot of local meetings where you can get support from others who live in exactly the same situation as you do.

A very, very good book you can find at your local library or buy from Amazon, etc. is:  "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" by Allison Bottke.  She shares all the mistakes she made and it is an EXCELLENT book to read if you have a child or grandchild that is an addict.

It breaks our hearts to "do what is best"....but I learned in Al-Anon that we cannot CONTROL our child's addiction, we didn't CAUSE our child's addiction and we can never CURE our child of their addiction.

It's so hard to do the opposite of what our hearts want....but we have to realize enabling them only furthers their path of destruction.  Accepting personal responsibility for choices and consequences is the best teacher.

8976007 tn?1413330650
you are loving him to death.

the question is not why does he use, it is why NOT?  
he faces NO consequences of his actions.  he doesn't even have to take care of his legal fees because you do it for him.

your husband is absolutely correct.  if your son CHOOSES to live on the street so he can continue to use, then that is his choice.  
if HE doesn't hit rock bottom and get sick and tired of being sick and tired then he will never stop.

you are enabling him and you are addicted to your son's addiction.  you first need to seek help for yourself and let your husband make the decisions about your son while you do so.  

it is all about tough love.  addiction is nothing to play around with.  please do not enable your son anymore.  set boundaries and stick to them
Avatar universal
What does he take?
He has to want to get clean otherwise you are wasting your time and money!

Also you are making it too easy for him he has to hit rock bottom before he'll want to change and you aren't helping!

Of course i'm taking your meaning of hard drugs to mean heroin or crack.

I started on heroin when i was 14 i'm now 37 and spent 13 years in and out of prison. Now 10 years crime free but only 6 months heroin free and still on methadone. I have done many painful withdrawals but this is only the second time i've been really clean of heroin body and mind.

From someone who knows your son has to want to be clean and to do it for himself not for you or anyone else.  I died by overdosing many times and that didn't make me want to stop it gets a grip of you! Unless your son gets a rude awakening and grows up in the head real fast he will cause years of misery for himself and you unless you cut yourself off from him.
My mum stayed by me and because of me and my condition is now a cognitive behavioural therapist, from a jeweler to giving up her business she built for 15 years and going to university. There is the opposite reaction like many people i've known who's parents disowned then for stealing off them but that's usually families who didn't give a crap anyway!

May sound harsh what i've said but it's true! Hope you get sorted!
Avatar universal
Wow. Thanks for the reality check -as tough as it is to listen to....
I'd be lying if I said otherwise.  Due to my personalty and my sons challenging ways, I have enabled him for years, without knowing I was doing that of course.  Im starting to understand but denial is a huge thing.
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