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Avatar universal

Boyfriend is an addict & I'm funding.. advice please!!!

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but I need to tell my story and seek advice/encouragement.  My boyfriend is addcited to pain meds. Currently, it is roxies, but in the past it has been a variety of things (tabs, dones, anything he can get).  I am ashamed to say that I have been funding his habit.  It has me at the point of bankruptcy and I can't do it any longer.  Of course, when I say no he goes crazy, cussing and hating me.  It is hard to take the verbal bashing, even though I know it is the drugs talking and not him.  I want him to get clean so bad.  Anyone have anything to say to me that will make it easier to stop funding him?  He makes me feel so guilty, says he will die if he stops cold turkey and it will be my fault.
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Avatar universal
Kicking opiates cold turkey is extremely unpleasant but not life threatening for someone who is otherwise reasonably healthy.  Don't let your BF tell you otherwise.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I was the same way with my addicted daughter. I was actually helping her to death. Even buying her a carton of cigarettes and some gas for her car enabled her. It's tough to detach when you love someone but we have no other choice. They need to reach rock bottom where there is no place to go but back up. And they need to reach it on their own with no outside help.

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. He needs to be set free so his addiction takes him wherever it's going to take him without any further help from anyone. Allow him the dignity to be exactly who he is and then focus on your recovery in a program like al-anon. Your BF is incapable of doing anything except feeding his addiction. You’ll eventually (or maybe quickly?) stop helping him be an addict, but possibly someday he'll thank you for that. Then you will have helped him by not helping him.

I was reminded twice that all bottoms, no matter how low, have trap doors. Addiction is a disease that never goes away. Recovery must always be the most important mission in a recovering addict's life. I went back out and used after almost 27 unbroken years of sobriety and my daughter went back out after 9 good years. Thankfully we're both clean again. I guess when living with, and loving an addict, the only certainty is uncertainty; right?
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Avatar universal
Thank you all for your replies.  He and I had a discussion about this earlier and he pretty much told me that he is going to get the pills one way or another.  He said that by giving him the money I was "keeping him safe" because he didn't know what he would resort to if I wasn't "helping" him.  He said that the only way he is going to get clean is to go to jail....Breaks my heart.
Helpful - 0
7671414 tn?1395660495
nursegirl6572 is right on all accounts..I met and Married my closest buddy(who was a raging alcoholic).he used it to mask his pain from 35 years playing hockey.In fact at work we had 3 Mikes.His nickname was drunk Mike.I dont know why I always fall for the "bad" ones..But,he was wonderful with me.Treated me like a queen.That said 8 months after we Married he was up to 3 packs of cigs and at least an 18 pack of beer a day.Sometimes he would even take my pills to get energy.he started waking me up,paranoid and very abusive.One night he hit me and when he woke up I was packed to leave.I went out and got his beer and smokes and was ready to go.He said he told his self if he ever abused me he would stop..That day he stopped drinking and has never had another drop..That was a short version but,just trying to let u see that u r more important then his addiction.If he wants to be with u he will stop.It might mean u leaving for awhile.He may do it with u there but,it will probably be a hard thing for u to go through.Get some kind of support for yourself.You need to think of u first..whatever u decide,good luck to u both in the times ahead...Maybe u can tell him about this site if he wants to try..There are so many ppl here that can help...take care
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's very hard to help someone if they don't want to help themselves. Sometimes (a lot of times...) it even requires them hitting rock bottom and losing things and people they love in order to really make an addict realize that they need and want to get help. I know how badly you want him to get clean...but he really has to want it for himself.  I understand how hard it is for you to take the verbal abuse...but you really need to cut the financial ties to his habit...even if it ends up in separation.  You obviously love him and don't want to separate from him, but you can't keep financing and enabling his addiction either.  As hard as it is...you really need to stand your ground and make him realize that you will NOT and can not fund his addiction any more. Best of luck to you <3
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
You're clearly enabling him.  It's a very tough spot to be in to be the loved on of an addict (especially a partner), they're good at using guilt and manipulation to keep their addiction going.  It's time to put a stop to it, tell him no more, that he needs help and that you'll ONLY support him in his recovery, not his addiction anymore.

You're going to have to get tough and hold your ground, even if it means a separation.  He'll kick, scream, and blame you, but keep in mind that only HE can help himself.

I strongly recommend getting yourself to either an alanon or naranon meeting.  You need to learn about enabling and codependency, and those organizations will help you do that, plus you'll get a lot of support from people who understand your position.

Very best to you, I hope your BF decides to get some help.  
Helpful - 0

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