Hello. I understand your pain as I put my mother through years of hell with my addiction. If he is nodding off he is most likely using heroin or some sort of opiate as those were my drugs of choice. Unfortunately, nothing anyone can say or do can stop us from using. We have to get to a point where we hit our bottom, are completely humiliated and make the choice ourselves to be done. I have 2 years clean now but jail and getting pregnant was my bottom. I wouldn't confront him as he will probably not want to hear it. He is lying to you to try and make you happy and not have to face his issues which in the end means he's not ready to. The only thing I can recommend is going to alanon. Although alanon is specifically for family members of alcoholics, it is basically the same thing. The only difference is the drug of choice (alcohol or drugs) but the problems and situations are almost entirely the same. My father was an alcoholic and my grandmother and aunt have been long time members of alanon. I myself go to aa meetings, although I had more problems w/ drugs, I still feel at home there as you would in alanon. I only recommend this to you because I've watched the pain my mother endured and no matter how much she loved or cared it couldn't keep me from using and at alanon you will be surrounded by many other mothers going through the same thing as you. Although this wont cure him, it will definitely help you and what you have to put up with. I also agree w/ not giving him $ or a place to stay because that is considered enabling meaning allowing him to use you to continue with his addiction..by you not providing those things, it could result in him reaching his personal bottom sooner than later.
Thanks for your perspective. Do I just cut him off totally? Stop letting him come over, call, etc? I just don't know where to put the boundaries. Have been told by a couple recovered addicts to just cut him off altogether until he gets help. Tried that, he said he would and its two weeks later and he's still just talking about it. He's cleaning out his apartment, but that about the only positive thing he's done.
I would not cut him off completely. You know you don't want to do that and you shouldn't. Remember..nothing anyone does or says will get him clean, only he can do that when he's completely ready. In my opinion, we are stuck in a cunning and baffling disease. We need our loved ones especially when that time comes when we do decide to get help. He is not himself, he's addicted and your son that you remember before all this is still in there. He needs you more than you think and him being able to call and see you is much needed unbeknownst to him even. Talking to him and seeing him is not part of enabling him to get high. But providing money and a home is. That teaches him that he can still have a place to stay no matter what and can still get $ for his drugs no matter what. Cutting those things off is what helps him get to his bottom quicker because he will start to notice those things are unavailable to him. Being a mother and loving him and seeing hik is important and shouldn't be taken away as a way to see if he will really stop, as you can see its not working. If you do go to alanon you learn all the different ways you are enabling him because you love him. You will be able to notice your part and they can answer every single question and concern you may have simply through experiencing it themselves. The best thing you CAN do is be there for him and let him know you may not support his addiction with material items or allowing him to walk all over you but you will always be there and support him with love and help. When I had my first "spirtual awakening" and realized I needed help I walked right up to my mother and said mom I need to go to rehab. She had been there through it all and I am so glad she was there for me to finally admit I needed help.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I DO know he's in there somewhere, and as most addicts, he is a truly beautiful person when sober and clean. Witty, charming, personable, handsome. But that person is gone right now, and we want him back.
Went to an Al Anon meeting earlier this week. I probably should continue to go, but feel like I have so much on my plate right now, don't know if I can add one more thing. Have also been trying to read up on "detaching with love". Yes, that is EXACTLY what we, as parents, need to practice.....in a BIG way!
Thank you again......good to have your perspective.
Hi there, I'm somewhat new to this community myself and came across your post.
My son is also an addict, and we've been on this long journey cycling for about 9 years now. He's almost 27. It is heartbreaking!! There are many parents like us here in this forum to support us... our journeys parallel one another's' in so many ways.
I too am trying to learn healthy skills and boundaries where my son is concerned. I feel as though I've tried everything over these many years... ultimately, it is his addiction and his willingness which will bring about his recovery. I know this logical and consciously! Oh but my heart... :) My heartstrings... they are the ones I have to rewire daily... teach...
It sounds like you are already doing some really healthy things with your son. That's awesome! You are already ahead of the game and may not even realize it. I have yet to go to Al-anon; just found a meeting one night a week in my town and it's time to go. This community here has been a divine appointment!! God has blessed me tremendously through the people here. I'm not sure why no one else has responded to your post, but I'm thinking it may have gotten lost in the shuffle...? Nevertheless! I hope you will come back and continue to share your experience and come for support. For me, it's been so comforting to hear others' life stories, their challenges, how they chose to deal with them, and how they overcame them... or failed.... we learn from one another don't we? :) I find peace in that. Knowing I'm not alone. I hope you will find peace as well.
Please keep coming back and share and let us know how you are.
MissMae, you're an amazing young woman. The transparency with which you share and give your experience in order to help another is a beautiful thing. "We've got to give it away to keep it :)"