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Herion addict boyfriend has destroyed me

I met my partner without knowing he was a herion user. He had been clean for over a year but went back on it. We fell in love quite quick and had a passionate living relationship.  He started to drift and stay over at his druggie mates. He's been in and out if prison. He hates taking drugs and said he wants a life with me. 2 weeks ago he got out of jail after a recall sentence. He came to me 4 days after release and he cried to me that he wants a better life. We cuddled talked and made love. We had a magical evening. Before he left he said I'm taking you to bonfire night etc etc. I havnt heard from him since. My heart is broke. I keep asking myself why did he say he loved me And come to me with promises. Is it the drugs or another woman. I hate not knowing. He's blocked my number. Police want him for a recall.  I love him and there were no signs he didn't want me.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Loving an addict is a lot of work. You first have to fully understand addiction, and be aware that relapse happens even to those that are taking full advantage of rehab services. You've said nothing of rehab , you've mentioned he's in and out of jail, but have said nothing about what attempts he's made of getting help for himself. Typically, an addict will continue to go back and forth to an enabler. If the loved one of an addict, is educated about their part in an addicts life, they are told that they must stand their ground and demand progress towards sobriety, always in the form of Drug and Alcohol Addiction Services, or "Rehab". An Addicts life is a hard life. They love their drug of choice, and yet it is hard on them physically and emotionally and at times they do want to have a different life.  Your part in this should go as follows. You contact an Addictions Therapist and talk about your case with your boyfriend. They will tell you how to not ever enable the addict. The fact of the matter is, that if you enable him with no talk of insisting he go to treatment or you'll have nothing to do with him, when he is ready to go to rehab, the first question that will be asked of him is if his partner is enabling him to continue using. If you've not insisted that he be clean and sober with you, then the therapist will tell him that if's dangerous for him to go near you. So it's areal catch 22 thing going on. You feel a bit like you're damned if you do insist he get help or you'll have to hold back from participating in a relationship, and you're damned if you don't insist he get help in the long run. So, first things first, Go and talk to an Addictions Therapist about how to help him. and plan on sticking to the plan. There is a group called Alanon  that you might be somewhat familiar with. It is a group of people that get together to stop enabling an addict and it would be helpful for you to go and hear how others are getting results by working in a group and openly communicating about the addict and loved one in their lives. So these two things are imperative for you to join and follow in order to handle an addict in your life. It would help if you were familiar with the 12 step program of AA (alcoholics anonymous) CA (cocaine anonymous) NA (narcotics anonymous). It would be helpful if you went to an "open meeting" and bought the hard copies of Narcotics Anonymous 12 step book. so you are well versed in the simple 12 step programs that your boyfriend should be working towards. Although God is part of the program, if in rehab you state that you do not believe in "God" they tell you to think of "God" as "Good Orderly Direction:. so you must be well versed in having a reply should your addict come up with this excuse. If your addict is not ready to go beyond occasionally feeling that he is at Step One " We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable" he is not ready to work towards a stable relationship. You have to accept this and let him go, with love. He is a sick man, not a bad man.
Staying with this man without treament would be no different than you hitching your wagon to a man who refused treatment for cancer or any other life threatening disease. Without treatment and rehabilitation for dug addiction, you can only look forward to being left high and dry, lies and more deceit. An addict must be capable of not only saying "no" to their drug of choice, but ALL drugs and alcohol. It's a tall order and it takes a can do mentality. A "I will go to any lengths" mentality. In 1999 both my husband and myself dedicated our lives to becoming clean and sober. I went to my 3rd rehab, an 8 hour day for 30 days at an outpatient hospital rehab. I initiated blood / urine testing every second day for over two years to prove to my loved ones i was on the straight and narrow. ( i was going through a custody issue to regain custody of my 8 year old son). I didn't carry money on my person for almost 2 years. I got a job working 12 hour shifts back to back for years with no days off. to buy a house. I went to aftercare meetings from my rehab for over a years. and went to 12 step meetings outside of the aftercare as well. My husband when he relapsed for a day, went to a 90 day Relapse Prevention Program. An addict can and will go to any lengths to gat clean from drugs and sober from alcohol. You'll know it if your addict is serious. The first person they should talk to for a game plan is an Addictions Therapist and the first action to talke for the best results in to go into a 30 60 or 90 day Residetnial Rehab program. Afterwards there are options for Sover Living. It's a long involved process. If your addict is not ready, you have no choice but to let him go and move on. Make sure you ask future prospective dates whether they have ever had problems with addiction in the future. An addict on the level with admit that they have problems with addiction, because even if an addict is clean and sober (no alcohol no drugs no mind altering substances at all). they will be actively working on their sobriety. The fact that he didn't think it was important enough to tell you he was clean and sober from heroin means that he actively lied to you by omission of the fact he had problems with heroin in the past. It sounds like he lied to you from the beginning not telling you he had quit heroin. It is obvious to him that he could relapse. He had no business getting into a relationship and not tell his partner he was an addict. If you're an addict, you're an addict. You will always have that distinction. You will always have to work on keeping yourself safe from relapse. The fact that he didn't tell you he was an addict shows that he's a liar and a manipulator. Not telling you that he was an addict in the first place is the worst thing this guy has done. He didn't allow you to make the choice to fall in love or not fall in love with, a Heroin Addict. That, in my opinion proves that he was not fully working any kind of program that would allow him to succeed being clean and sober. He never became honest, with himself and others (as him working on a 12 step program would have been the case)  In my opinion , this lie of omission is unforgivable, and i would leave him for that reason alone.  If by some slim chance he get's it together, i might consider reevaluating the situation. but i woudn't hold my breath waiting for him to get his ducks in a row.

You asked whether he may be using or with a girl. Both go hand in hand. Birds of  a feather flock together. Women use men for drugs. They pay for it with sex. Many heroin, coke etc, addicts (like myself and my husband ) have HepC at least (and we both do) Be very careful having unprotected sex with this man. Especially if he has not gone into treatment where he would be check for HEP C and Aids. etc. Be very careful moving forward. One thing about Addictions Recovery is that if you need friends, you have many that have overcome addiction on Medhelp. I'm here if you ever need me. just go to my profile page and send me a private message. Step 12 is "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs" A clean and sober addict will never turn their back on anyone seeking knowledge and experience of drug and alcohol addiction.  Please be aware, than an "addict" whose drug of choice (doc) is heroin, they will never be able to drink because once an addict always an addict. Addict will quit one drug and fall into another one. (as i did with alcohol). This will mean that your life will change if you are with an addict. You will not be able to drink in front of your addict, or be around people that do (ideally). to support him. Be very aware of how being with an addict can impact your life in so many ways. That's not to say it cannot be done, but it takes a lof of work. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you.
495284 tn?1333894042
I cant really add anything to what Nighthawk said.  Please check out Alanon.  It will help you tremendously.  Keep us posted
Avatar universal
My boyfriend has the same problems and I've been with him for a year and half.  This is his 3rd time in a 60 rehab.  We just ended our relationship on Sunday and he has wrecked me as well so I understand your feelings.  I thought he loved me but has shown otherwise.  I've taken inventory on what I did to enable him and wrote a long letter that I may or may not give to him.  I just needed to figure out my part in all of this chaos.  I might post it to help other's think about their parts in enabling bc I find writing to be therapeutic for me. Hope things are better for you.
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