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Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

Heroin Addiction

My Daughter and her boyfriend are heroin addicts. They told me that they took some pills to get off of it. They have moved two hours away. She is on unemployment and he works for a computer company. They both had lost their jobs. They say that they are trying to get their life back. I see so much of the same behaviors. When she came and saw I and her Dad a couple of days ago her eyes looked so funny. They seem to be down this way a lot, I think they are picking of drugs here and going back. The boyfriend was busted for heroin a few months back and has to attend drug classes. I think he will try to fool them if they drug test him. They are trying to act like everything is fine. My question is should I tell her I know she is still using? We have tried to get her to go to a rehab, but she will not leave the idiot! His Mom is enabling them so much! She has rented them a car and neither one of them has a license. If I say anything they get very defensive and won't Talk to me. Don't really know what to do! Thanks
14 Responses
271792 tn?1334979657
Hi & Welcome,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is hard to watch when it is someone you love, especially a child.

I do suggest that you be honest with her and let her know that you know. You have to be careful how you approach her. Do not scream and yell as she will probably run. That is typical addict behavior. If you can, calmly sit her down and talk with her. Let her know that you will support her recovery but you will NOT enable her. the more things you do for her or give her at this point will only prolong her active addiction and she is in a dangerous place as it is.

I don't know what to say about the car rental. It is just plain irresponsible. What if they are high and hit someone? No insurance will cover uninsured drivers and that is just the tip of what could happen. I don't know if you can talk to his mom or what to do in this situation but it is sad.

There are members here who have been in your shoes so stay around and listen as you get responses. Ask any questions that you may have. there is always someone around to support you.
Avatar universal
Thank You so much. I can not talk with his Mom she is in denial. I tried to tell her they were using and she said that I was crazy. Then he got busted with it.We have not been helping them at all! But we can not stop his Mother.
3060903 tn?1398565123
You can talk o her about how she looks and get it across that you feel something is wrong. Let her know as her mother you have an instinct that tells you she may be in trouble. Let her know that you will always be there to help her. If she relapses you will support her in her recovery. That your home will always be open to her if the situation for her "changes". Maybe try and get together with her for some family time watching a movie, or going out for dinner and shopping. Just anything really that she can "show up" to. I wish you the very best in your attempts to help your beautiful girl. Talk to her about little things she did in her childhood that are so special to you. She has been taken prisoner by the drug and by the boyfriend. It will take a lot of strength for you to help her to ":comer home". Hugs Prayers and well wishes for your family. I'm going to send you a friend request just so that you get to know you're way around on here. You have a long term problem I'm afraid , not one that is likely to go away any time soon. And that is what this site is about, making friends to help you get through the days and months ahead. Hopefully, I'll talk to you soon. There are others here that can help you so much too. Hopefully you will find some more friends on here too. You are not alone Mom.
Avatar universal
Thank you so much! I need some friends to help me through this. My family just really does not understand. I will take your advice and spend some alone time with her while her boyfriend is at work. I have cried so much through this all of this.
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
hi paula,
i want to say to keep posting it really does help to talk and have people who understand. i know how heartbreaking it is to have a child who is an addict. if our love could keep them clean.........   my daughter is right now with her idiot bf that she uses opiates with. it is so sad that they dont acknowledge their downfall. my daughter is 21 she still lives with us, ( that is when she stays here). when she doesnt come home i know she used.
i am convinced when she is here she picks a fight so she can leave, use me as an excuse to use or to blame for her getting high. it is such a horrible cycle. when i dont argue back she gets more angry because i am not playing her game. she does well for awhile and then slips right back again, have you gone to any alanon meetings? they really do help.
do you have a pastor or a close friend you can confide in? talking about it and getting another perspective on things is good.
please know that you are not alone in this. there are many of us who are in the same boat.
there is always hope.........keep the faith........
sending hope,prayers,support and encouragement
take care of you, we also need recovery, please try not to live in her addiction. believe me i know how hard it is. i have lived with active addiction in my immediate family for 16 years. my husband, my older son and my daughter. i am amazed i havent gone completely crazy. my physical health, my emotional and spiritual health has suffered greatly.
i am better at dealing with it these days, it doesnt consume me anymore. i have 2 other children that are 12 and 14. they need me. i cant let my daughters addiction run our household.
hugs
debbie
Avatar universal
Thank you for the post! It does help to know that I am not alone. I am sorry for your situation. I will pray for you to. My daughter has been writing things on facebook about her boyfriend always fighting with her. He is bipolar and does not take any medication because of the side effects, but he will smoke heroin, crazy! I do have a best friend that I have had for over thirty years and she is always there for me. I have not went to any meetings. I think I will attend some and see if they help. All this has been going on for about two years. I am not helping them anymore, but it took a while to get to that point. I just wish his Mom would wake up and research drug abuse so she could see what they are doing. They tell her that they are clean and she believes them. I see all the signs so I know they are still using and it is hard to just quit. I and my husband were thinking that the stress was going to kill us, but we are doing somewhat better. She is our only Daughter and she is 24 years old. She was on the honor roll all through High School, went to beauty school. Got her a job and was attending the Junior College getting really good grades, now all of this. I always prided myself on being a good Mother and role model. Then you start to blame yourself and wonder where you went wrong. She has been going with this guy since her Junior year in High School so she has never had another boyfriend and does not realize that their are nice guys out their that will treat your right. Anyway thanks to all who have posted on here it really does help me.
Avatar universal
I am in the same boat with you. Welcome aboard!

Life with heroin addicts is not an easy one. You are doing excellent by wanting to provide your daughter with love and advice. I would suggest that you do try to talk with her when her bf is not around. Tell her you know she is using and no matter what lies she throws your way be firm and calm that you know but you love her and you want to continue to be in her life.

Often people who use drugs have low self esteem and are ashamed of their drug use. Be positive and tell her you want to help her in any way you can that does not enable her drug use. My husband just had a hard discussion with his 30 year old ( long time heroin addicted) son and at first he was denying it but my husband was persistent and spoke out of love and there is an open line of honest communication between them now.

You never offered your daughter drugs, you never gave her drugs, and you not the reason that she uses drugs! Guilt is a normal human reaction but you are obviously a great Mom and only want the best for your daughter.

I am saying a prayer for you that you are able to continue to be strong and act out of love.
3185671 tn?1344779180
My heart goes out to you. I just found out that my 23 year old daughter has been using percocet daily for about a year now. I'm still feeling kind of numb and looking for the right answers as well.I dont know what else to add but that I am beaten right now. Sending you my love, and hope.
Avatar universal
When you first find out about their drug abuse. It is hard believe it. When I and my husband first discovered the heroin abuse we just drove around most of the day. It was hard to just sit at home. We confronted her and then our biggest mistake was trying to help her boyfriend to. If only we could go back in time. They both went to a methadone clinic. That did not help at all. We have a hard time even being around the boyfriend as he is just not a good person. Just wish she would wake up. They both lost their jobs, the car was impounded and he spent five days in jail. That was not bottom enough for my daughter! Then we have his Mother who is a very big problem because she is enabling them. Anyway sorry about your Daughter. I will pray for you and your family. At least on this site we know that we are not alone. Thanks
Avatar universal
I wanted to weigh in on the subject, not from a parents point of view, but I was in the same situation your daughter was in a few years ago and I am currently clean, but just to say a few things.

First of all on the matter of her boyfriend, you say that they have been together since her junior year of high school, and that she hasnt had the chance to play the field and see that there are better guys out there, but have you thought about her feelings for him? It sounds like they are typical high school sweethearts, and it seems like she truly loves this person. I believe you did the right thing trying to help them both at first, and while it may not have been successful, trying to seperate them is only going to push your daughter away, when my family thought that my girlfriend was bringing me down, It made me very angry how they treated her like she was scum, and how they thought i'd be much better off with someone else or even alone rather, I just want to let you know from experience that this is a big no-no, if she loves him as much as your saying, then you need to accept this no matter how much you may dislike him. This is her support mechanism when things are difficult and she obviously has trouble sharing everything in her life. You say that she posts on facebook about how he fights with her and being the parents of her im sure you think that this is all one sided, but id be willing to bet dollars to donuts that if you were to look at his facebook he posts similar things about her, Im sure since she is your daughter that you think she is the victim here, but fights go both ways, and as hard is it may be to believe im sure your daughter fights with him and does things to him he may not like as well. Addiction is very difficult thing to deal with and as long as they both have each other, that is something that you should never interefere with. I mean if it was a different situation where she had just met this guy and he was treating her like **** and you saw him disrespecting her on a daily basis i would say get him out of her life definetly! But to me it sounds like they are in love, and trust me from experience anyone who tried to come in between my wife and I when we were going through this we would remove them from our lives because its hard enough trying to deal with an addiction, let alone people who we felt wouldnt believe in us .Relapse is a part of recovery, I personally relapsed a good 15 times before I finally was able to get rid of this monkey on my back, and i am married now to the same woman I was going through it with, and I just have to say that If i was forced to leave her like my family wanted I would have killed myself, It was incredibly hard to go through but we had told each other that we got into this mess together and we had promised each other that we were getting out together as well.

Secondly, You state that his mother is enabling the two of them and she is in denial, but here is what I think about that, different people handle situations like this differently, while you may think that she is in denial and completely is enabling them, she may know deep down inside that they are using, but just  doesn't choose to use tough love like it sounds like you are advocating. This is something you have to respect, different support systems work for different people, and while I agree that renting a car when neither of them have a license is crazy, this is something she has chosen to do.

As for the classes you say he is attending, I can personally say that those classes are very serious, and I doubt he will be able to fool those people there, if he has to submit to drug testing which is what they do after you are caught with drugs, then they will send his urine to the labratory for testing, There is absolutley no way for him to be able to fool them, because trust me i've tried everything in the book! ;) What I would do continue to ask your daughter how her boyfriend is doing in those classes, because if he is caught with drugs in his urine, they will kick him out of the class immediately, To me it sounds like you have a strong feeling that they are using, so while you dont know for sure this could be your definite way of knowing if they are or not, I say if you find out that he got kicked out then sit your daughter down and let her know you are there for her, make sure you let her know you understand that its impossible to get clean after your first attempt trying and that you support her and her decisions to stay with this boy, as much as it may pain you, and I promise she will respect you greatly for that, If you find out that he is in fact still in those classes then I would just back off the situation for a while, It will cause bigger issues if you accuse them of using or start treating your daughter like you think she is using, especially if she isnt, the one thing a junky in recovery doesnt need is someone she loves thinking that she will always be a junky, or always looking over her back, this could very well cause her to relapse because im sure she loves you and respects you, and she may be trying very hard to keep her life straight, and especially after getting clean, every little thing in your life makes you want to use, but something as big as your own mother treating you like your lying, or still using, may be the trigger you want to avoid the most! Alot of the time people will have a predisposition to label you as a junky and thats something you want to avoid like the plague. Always be supportive and loving to your daughter until you know for a fact that she is using again. Then try to be supportive at that point, not negative.

Anyways Paula7227 I am going to leave my email address here so feel free to email me anytime i'd be happy to give you advice from the ex-junky side of things, I came across this question of yours and it really hit home with me, I felt like it was EXACTLY what my wife and I had gone through in our younger years and I had to weight in,  these people here that are responding are people who are looking at the situation from your point of view,  if you ever want insight as to what your daughter is feeling or going through from someone who has been in her shoes then please email me at [email protected]

I wish you the best of luck in your situation. Have a great day.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your post! I will listen to your advice about not trying to keep them apart, but it will be very hard! We have never liked her boyfriend even before the drug abuse. The very first prom that they went to I bought her a beautiful dress, had her hair and nails done, They went and had their picture taken and did not stay for the prom because he picked a fight with her. She was so upset, but he came back later that night to say that he was sorry and she forgave him. He is bipolar and has not took any medicine for years. His own sister and father will have nothing to do with him because of his behavior and this all happened before all the drug abuse! I am 100 percent sure that they are using. My husband and I watched them smoke it out of the trunk of the car when they stayed the night with us. When they came back in the house they were wasted! They both got paid last Friday a total of $1,700.00 and were broke a few days later. He was supposed to be going to drug classes on Wednesday nights up by where they live, but he was in town here on Wednesday and the classes are up by his home which is two hours from here. His Mom just turned the rental in so they don't have a car now. He has to be on a bus at 4:00 AM to make it to work now. He is very smart with computers and has landed some really good jobs, but can't keep them! We will go up and try to talk with her in a couple of weeks while he is at work. That is if he even has a job still. We will let her know when and if she ever wants to get clean we will be there for her. I was so sick after they left that I was throwing up. Just is so much stress! Her boyfriend has threatened suicide before and we just don't want anything to happen to our only daughter whom we love so much! My email is ***@****. Hope you all who have posted on her have a good day and thanks again for everything!
Avatar universal
Well I wanted to let everyone know that when my daughter and her boyfriend were here he used my computer which I never should have allowed! Either he saw my emails from webhelp or he is looking at what I am doing and writing through his computer. So they read my posts and of course turned everything around on me. I will pray for all of you, but will not longer be posting on here. Thanks for everything!
480448 tn?1426948538
Oh geez.  I'm so sorry.  Hon, they have NO right to turn this around on you!!!  He invaded your privacy.  You have every right to anonymously ask for input about your situation.  Shame on them both for even mentioning it to you.  If your daughter had any issues with the things you said, she should have spoken to you privately about it.  After all you've done for them!  THEY are not being accountable for THEIR choices that led you to have to post here.  Sounds like they are pointing the finger at everyone except who they should, themselves.

Change your username and passwords (email too), and please continue to come here for the great support and insight you've gotten already.  You can get a hold of a moderator to help you by using the "contact us" feature.  Do that AFTER you've changed your access to your emails.

He has NO right to invade your privacy by accessing your online accts from his pc.  That's lower than low and VERY immature.  SO sorry they continue to cause you such stress.  You deserve so much more!

BTW, you have said NOTHING wrong here...you've expressed your opinions, your concern for your daughter and grandchild, and have reached out for help that you need (thanks to them)...on a site where no one knows who you are, or who they are.  Don't give him that kind of power...take the control back, protect your passwords, especially to any kind of credit card or bank accts.

I also believe what he's doing is criminal...he doesn't have your permission to be accessing your e-mail account does he?  Yeah, that's something the police may be interested in hearing about.  I would offer them NO more help.  If your daughter wants help, that's different, but he would be CUT OFF from my kindness if I were in your position.  

Hang in there....please don't let him get away with this.
954005 tn?1304626605
I agree 100% with nursegirl.  I do believe that it's criminal...it's hacking, right? This place is an amazing place for support, and please don't let their foolish actions keep you from getting some support.  They violated your privacy, and it must feel just awful.  Change everything on your computer if you can...all passwords, usernames, get a new email address, and even if it makes you feel better, get an email address JUST for things like this.  I use something called "lastpass" which is an extension on browsers like chrome and firefox...I imagine it can be used on every browser.  It is a program that is online, that has many security measures and options for you to use with passwords and online accounts etc.  

I hope you reconsider staying here...I would hate to see you leave because of their stupidity...and I am so sorry that you are going through this.
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