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Husband cycles through addictions..how do I know what her it's time to go?

My husband is an addict. He has been an addict on and off (mostly on) from the time he was 15 till the time he was 44. You name the addiction, and he's probably had it. His big addiction in the past was cocaine... But while I have been with him he's gone through alcohol, Hydromorphone, and sex. I have had an on-and-off relationship with him for the past 6 years. I broke up with him for what I thought was good multiple times, but when he seemed to get clean and stay clean for a long period of time I fell back in love with him and we ended up getting married. Now I have a problem. I am Christian. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe in honoring my vow to God. But I also believe in protecting my children. And not being unwillingly an enabler. I say a unwilling enabler because he leaves us in really bad situations unless we can help him. He will fix things around the house and leave them half done so I am less likely to ask him to leave. He will steal money from me only to say he cannot earn it back unless I pay for his gas. My husband will say he only got paid for five hours at work and he was there for seven. Or for all I know he could have been out with somebody for sex the last 2 hours. The whole thing is making me feel a little crazy because I never have absolute proof. Even though messages from adult sex meet and other sex sites come into His Spam box he will say that they aren't connected to him. That it's just Spam. Even though every time I found out about 1 the spam seems to come from a different site. Plus in the trash I found a message where he asked one of the sites to "close this account." There are two parts that hurt though worse than this. The first is even though my girls haven't been affected yet I do not want his behavior to start to affect them to the negative. I feel like I have to do what's best for my kids. And the second is, he never really acts as if he truly cares about us. I don't think I've ever seen him truly feel remorse. Some of you talk about your spouses crying when they are upset after using, I don't get that. He never cries. He will say all the right things but there is no emotion behind it. But if I truly leave, how will I deal with the fact that it will make me feel like I'm giving up on my vows to God? How do I still feel like I'm being a good wife when it seems like being a good wife means I may have to go? And when the amount of times I have trusted in him to be telling the truth when he said he's clean again, if I do go can I ever really accept him back? Can I really? Because the cycle has a good chance of happening again? I am so confused about what to do at the moment. I guess maybe I just need advice and supporting somebody to talk to when I feel like I don't understand the things that he's doing. The man he could be, is not the man that he is. And I have tried everything under the sun, and I have sat in church and watched God try everything under the sun (send so many messages directed towards him), and it doesn't look like he is listening to anyone. I'm just a little lost. So any advice or anyone who may have been through the same thing perhaps longer, will he ever truly be capable of loving us? Should I just trust God when I see no changes? Or do I just do what I feel is best for us and hope he does what's best for him? I know if you're not religious you're not going to understand why my vow to God is so important to me, but I know that he cares. He has helped me through the loss of two kids and both my parents. I just don't know what to do in this situation... In some ways, grief is easier.. because sooner or later you heal from it. As where with a  relationship with an addict it's harder. As soon as you feel like you start to heal, you get hurt.. again and again and again.
1 Responses
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hello & welcome. I am glad you found us. I have lived the life you are now living.
Thankfully we all survived.. My husband has been clean 10 years.
I understand all of your feelings,hurts, anger, sadness & disappointments.
Crying, pleading, threatening, fighting doesn't work.
Addicts are excellent manipulators & liars.
They can twist any situation to take the responsibility and blame off of themselves.
We need support, healing and recovery too. We get just as sick as they are physically, mentally,emotionally and spiritually.
Talk with your paster, a counselor, go to al-anon, it is a group for loved ones of addicts.
There is hope.
Keep the faith.
Sending encouragement, prayers, support.
Debbie
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