Oh girl. If only you could read this w/ a detached eye. This guy is using, you have all the evidence you need. We addicts are master manipulators. Stick to your original ultimatum: leave or go to rehab. No picking him up, no money, no home, nothing. He needs to feel the consequences. That's it. End of story. This guy will be dead soon otherwise.
More importantly, you are living the life an enabler and are being driven insane. That's what addiction does to loved ones. If you are spending that much time worrying about an addict, your life is not your own. Please go to alanon, get support and start focusing on YOUR life.
You've given great information along with your question. I agree that jifmoc has pretty much covered the talking points. If you continue to enable, when he straightens out he'll actually blame you for not doing something sooner, if you continue to enable after overwhelming evidence that he's using. He's a lucky guy to be able to go to treatment. There's a poor soul in the post near to you that is asking if there are any rehab's in the U.S. that take patients without insurance, and without having to pay for services before the addict enters into treatment. I think you should bring that up, how lucky he is to have the option of treatment when there are so many dying in the streets with no hope for treatment. Also, it's one thing saying "go to rehab or else" but it's quite another if you have gone to an Addiction's Therapist and have them available for you and he to go talk to them. That really raises the bar and makes it into something that's happening.that you're communicating in real time with an Addictions Therapist. He will more likely believe that you are serious, educated and will no longer be waffling about whether you believe him or not. In his mind he will say to himself, that he's not gong to be able to fool you any longer. It will make it real for him. That's what i always suggest, to have an Addictions Therapist for the loved one to talk to , to help them deal with the issues head on with resolve, minus the habit of confusion or enabling. With you going back and forth believing him, he's confused. An addict will always try to bamboozle you, until they know that the jig is up and you know too much to believe his bull. It's important also to talk to him from a loving place. i.e. I'm talking to other loved ones of addicts now, on a social website, I attend Alanon, and i've been talking to an Addiction's Therapist. Everyone says the same thing. That i can enable you to death. That when you do get clean and sober, you will resent me for seeing the signs, and doing nothing. I've been watching all the news (and furnish him examples) about how drugs are being cut with fentanyl that is 100 x stronger than morphine and killing people. I don't want to find you and know that you are dead because of my enabling. While i can't do anything to stop you from doing drugs rather than fight for our life together, I can stop myself from making it easy. I can stop myself from having to come home to your dead body and spend the rest of my life guilty because i had not done my homework. Please go to rehab now, and if you say no and walk away, know that rehab is always an option down the road for you. I can't guarantee that i'll be here for you as a wife down the road, I can't wait forever to have a life with a spouse. Life is too short. But i will always love you and want the best for you.
You know? Be calm self assured, and in order to get to that, you need support. I suggest you go to Alanon asap. Go and talk to an Addictions Therapist, have them in the mix in case he will go and talk to them with you, or by himself. You are on a social website whose members will support you emotionally for the duration, I promise you that. I've been on here since 2012 and have met and worked with many in your position. Some have had good results, some mot. Educated you must be. Start getting your ducks in a row. And soon you'll be able to sit him down with conviction and the strength to HELP him, rather than enable him. I promise. I'm here for you every step of the way. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I've been clean and sober for 17 plus years now, as well as my husband. I dealt with his one relapse by having him committed for 72 hours, (that turned into 2 weeks, due to new medication schedule ) and then told him to go to a 90 day Relapse Prevention Rehab or not come home. I would have rather lost the house than to have enabled him to his early death. Only an addict truly knows how close we come to that. That's why it's important for an addict to work with other addicts. because of our shared experience strength and hope. Having him tell you that he's not "into" aftercare is not acceptable. An addict will "go to any lengths in the program" to save themselves so that they can be with their loved ones. I blood /urine tested every second day for over 2 years to regain a foothold in my son's life. (while working 12 hours shifts on the line at an auto assembly plant * i went during lunch time). I got clean and sober, got a job, bought a house, got a lawyer, and drug tested to be with my family. An addict is much stronger than you know. Many times the best thing an addict can do is to go back to school in early recovery, especially if their career isn't conducive for them to continuously remain clean and sober ie. bartender, bouncer in a club, etc. The more things that they can do to prove themselves, the more proud they are of their progress., the more they see the beauty in staying in the program. I've heard it so often that an addict simply waves off the program that will keep them sober, using being agnostic as a reason for not going to AA. The loved ones think , well that's logical , not everybody believes in God, so they let it slide. In fact, there are many addicts that attend AA religiously never having believed in any kind of higher power. Drugs have been their higher power often since they were 12 or so.Members in AA or NA just tell them, if you don't believe in God, just think of God as an acronym for Good Orderly Direction. Problem solved.
Your man has to humble himself to find his way to sobriety. If he thinks that he can snow you, he'll put it any thought of recovery out the window. If you get strong, educated, and supported, and tell him what you want from him,.
1) talk to the Addictions Therapist.
2) go to detox
3) stay on for 30 days in residential, or outpatient rehab.
4) find out if there are other mental health issues during the 30 day substance abuse rehab, and follow up with care from a specialist. If there are meds, take them as prescribed.
5) after graduating the rehab continue on with their weekly alumni meetings for one year
65) be prepared to drug test at these alumni meetings at the request of the rehab
7) attend and join a home group of AA or NA or CA, get involved by asking to help by putting the chairs out,making the coffee, putting the chairs away. This will bring him closer to the members and the group. He will be respected and accepted this way, and will not feel that it doesn't matter if he goes or not, He'll be responsible for his own attitude of wanting to make it work. You get out what you put in, just like at home.
8) Go to an "open" speaker meeting with him, like a date night, so you can show support and meet his new sober friends, (if you don't do these things , an addict will feel that they don't belong, do them, and they'll feel like an integral member of the society.)
9) Make a pact that after the one year of alumni meetings, when he's no longer made to take drug tests, he must agree to take drug tests at home, in order to stay in the home.
10) Make a pact that if he relapses, he'll need to go to at least a 30 or 90 day Relapse Prevention Rehab. (as i said, as hard core addicts, my husband and I had a pact to attend a 90 day Relapse Prevention Rehab).
This is what he can decide to do to keep you in his life. This is what it has been proven time and time again (certainly in my case and in my husband's case) to work, to battle against the use of drugs and alcohol.
First things first. Go to an AA meeting, or an NA meeting, and pick up a Blue Book and a 12 step book. Read it so you know what it is that you're expecting him to do. You'll soon realize that it's a simple program and if he refuses to get into it and do the simple steps that are required, for your marriage to weather this storm, then you don't have a marriage to save.
i'm here if you ever need to talk. Ill get back to you within the day. Liz