Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

Is he using heroin or other meds?

I have a problem with my boyfriend. Yes I know I’m stupid for even asking this probably, but I don’t know anything anymore. And he had back pain during Thanksgiving and they gave him some pain meds(Tylenol and Flexorill. I don't know if its he is using or the meds, but I don't think it's the meds I’ve never been so confused before in my life. I need to know I made the right decision. I want to know if I should hold firm on kicking him out or giving him the option to go to rehab..
My boyfriend is an (ex)?-addict. I’m not sure if he is using again and every time I think I find evidence of him using his response has so much conviction I can’t help but question if I’m right or him.
About 5 days ago after he got home from work and was acting weird I thought nothing of it but he was tired. Until he fell asleep/unconscious? in a plate of pizza. I just assumed he was really tired. But a similar event happened the next day.
Some history real fast. He OD’ed back in December 2015 on heroin, I was lucky enough to be home at the time to find him in the bathroom unconscious on the floor. In 2014 I found him passed out on some sort of painkiller. Initially he said it was a bad cold, but months later told me it was some painkiller. Also that same year he stole a fairly reasonable amount of money from my grandparents. So his track record isn’t great. I want to believe that these are all just minor speed bumps on the road to recovery minus the OD’d he went to therapy for that, but quickly left because he said it wasn’t for him.
About 3 days ago he acted the same way coming out of the bathroom after being in there for a large amount of time. Acting the same sort of ****** up. Before I left to go to my class I went in the bathroom and checked under the sink and found a bent spoon with heat marks on the bottom and evaporation? marks on the top. I went to class and tried to not think about it, but when I returned home he was out like a rock sleeping on the bed with labored breathing and a pale complexion. It reminded me of how I found him on the bathroom floor last year. I became concerned and took the opportunity to go through the car. I find a bag of syringes in the back. I bring my family together to confront him and he says something along the lines of “ I wasn’t using I was shooting water in my veins as a coping mechanic”. He says all of this while his eyes are slowly opening and shutting and he just seems lethargic and his words are slurring and he just doesn’t seem there. We gave him 2 options because of his past incidents: leave or go to rehab. He chose to leave. We give him 2 days to pack and find a place. The next few days he really pushes the water as a coping mechanism, and his conviction in it being true is so intense I can’t help but believe him. He even goes out to Target and buys one of the off the shelf drug tests. But he takes the test of the test at work and it appeared clean for everything. He even offers to go to Quest to get a hair test, but I can’t help but think he knows how to cheat drug tests.
Well, the night before he leaves I pick him up at work and once again he seems ****** up. I can’t help but go through his backpack and find 2 pipes with steel wool in them with burnt marks on the glass on the steel wool end. He tells me he has possessed this for while, he found it on the ground months ago and picked it up and kept it in the car. Only recently has it entered his mind to throw them out and that’s why they are there in his book bag.
I feel awful throwing him out (even though he had an option to go to rehab) with no hard evidence just all this junk that points in the using/abusing direction. I know he lies, I know he has a problem but I can’t help but think I’m wrong especially because of how convincing he sounds.
Do you think that is enough? Or do you think this could all just be a coincidence? Because I don’t even know what to think anymore.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Oh girl. If only you could read this w/ a detached eye. This guy is using, you have all the evidence you need. We addicts are master manipulators. Stick to your original ultimatum: leave or go to rehab. No picking him up, no money, no home, nothing. He needs to feel the consequences. That's it. End of story. This guy will be dead soon otherwise.

More importantly, you are living the life an enabler and are being driven insane. That's what addiction does to loved ones. If you are spending that much time worrying about an addict, your life is not your own. Please go to alanon, get support and start focusing on YOUR life.
I have lived this story and the reply from jifmoc is absolutely 100% correct. I will not add anything to his comments. Take care of yourself and find some peace. I am sure you deserve it.
I have lived this story and the reply from jifmoc is absolutely 100% correct. I will not add anything to his comments. Take care of yourself and find some peace. I am sure you deserve it.
3060903 tn?1398565123
You've given great information along with your question. I agree that jifmoc has pretty much covered the talking points. If you continue to enable, when he straightens out he'll actually blame you for not doing something sooner, if you continue to enable after overwhelming evidence that he's using. He's a lucky guy to be able to go to treatment. There's a poor soul in the post near to you that is asking if there are any rehab's in the U.S. that take patients without insurance, and without having to pay for services before the addict enters into treatment.  I think you should bring that up, how lucky he is to have the option of treatment when there are so many dying in the streets with no hope for treatment. Also, it's one thing saying "go to rehab or else" but it's quite another if you have gone to an Addiction's Therapist and have them available for you and he to go talk to them. That really raises the bar and makes it into something that's happening.that you're communicating in real time with an Addictions Therapist. He will more likely believe that you are serious, educated and will  no longer be waffling about whether you believe him or not. In his mind he will say to himself, that he's not gong to be able to fool you any longer. It will make it real for him. That's what i always suggest, to have an Addictions Therapist for the loved one to talk to , to help them deal with the issues head on with resolve, minus the habit of confusion or enabling. With you going back and forth believing him, he's confused. An addict will always try to bamboozle you, until they know that the jig is up and you know too much to believe his bull. It's important also to talk to him from a loving place. i.e. I'm talking to other loved ones of addicts now, on a social website, I attend Alanon, and i've been talking to an Addiction's Therapist. Everyone says the same thing. That i can enable you to death. That when you do get clean and sober, you will resent me for seeing the signs, and doing nothing.  I've been watching all the news (and furnish him examples) about how drugs are being cut with fentanyl that is 100 x stronger than morphine and killing people. I don't want to find you and know that you are dead because of my enabling. While i can't do anything to stop you from doing drugs rather than fight for our life together, I can stop myself from making it easy. I can stop myself from having to come home to your dead body and spend the rest of my life guilty because i had not done my homework. Please go to rehab now, and if you say no and walk away, know that rehab is always an option down the road for you. I can't guarantee that i'll be here for you as a wife down the road, I can't wait forever to have a life with a spouse. Life is too short. But i will always love you and want the best for you.

You know? Be calm self assured, and in order to get to that, you need support. I suggest you go to Alanon asap. Go and talk to an Addictions Therapist, have them in the mix in case he will go and talk to them with you, or by himself. You are on a social website whose members will support you emotionally for the duration, I promise you that. I've been on here since 2012 and have met and worked with many in your position. Some have had good results, some mot. Educated you must be. Start getting your ducks in a row. And soon you'll be able to sit him down with conviction and the strength to HELP him, rather than enable him. I promise. I'm here for you every step of the way. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I've been clean and sober for 17 plus years now, as well as my husband. I dealt with his one relapse by having him committed for 72 hours, (that turned into 2 weeks, due to new medication schedule ) and then told him to go to a 90 day Relapse Prevention Rehab or not come home. I would have rather lost the house than to have enabled him to his early death. Only an addict truly knows how close we come to that. That's why it's important for an addict to work with other addicts. because of our shared experience strength and hope. Having him tell you that he's not "into" aftercare is not acceptable. An addict will "go to any lengths in the program" to save themselves so that they can be with their loved ones. I blood /urine tested every second day for over 2 years to regain a foothold in my son's life. (while working 12 hours shifts on the line at an auto assembly plant * i went during lunch time). I got clean and sober, got a job, bought a house, got a lawyer, and drug tested to be with my family. An addict is much stronger than you know. Many times the best thing an addict can do is to go back to school in early recovery, especially if their career isn't conducive for them to continuously remain clean and sober ie. bartender, bouncer in a club, etc. The more things that they can do to prove themselves, the more proud they are of their progress., the more they see the beauty in staying in the program. I've heard it so often that an addict simply waves off the program that will keep them sober, using being agnostic as a reason for not going to AA. The loved ones think , well that's logical , not everybody believes in God, so they let it slide. In fact, there are many addicts that attend AA religiously never having believed in any kind of higher power. Drugs have been their higher power often since they were 12 or so.Members in AA or NA just tell them, if you don't believe in God, just think of God as an acronym for Good Orderly Direction. Problem solved.

Your man has to humble himself to find his way to sobriety. If he thinks that he can snow you, he'll put it any thought of recovery out the window. If you get strong, educated, and supported, and tell him what you want from him,.

1) talk to the Addictions Therapist.
2) go to detox
3) stay on for 30 days in residential, or outpatient rehab.
4) find out if there are other mental health issues during the 30 day substance abuse rehab, and follow up with care from a specialist. If there are meds, take them as prescribed.
5) after graduating the rehab continue on with their weekly alumni meetings for one year  
65) be prepared to drug test at these alumni meetings at the request of the rehab
7) attend and join a home group of AA or NA or CA, get involved by asking to help by putting the chairs out,making the coffee, putting the chairs away. This will bring him closer to the members and the group. He will be respected and accepted this way, and will not feel that it doesn't matter if he goes or not, He'll be responsible for his own attitude of wanting to make it work. You get out what you put in, just like at home.
8) Go to an "open" speaker meeting with him, like a date night, so you can show support and meet his new sober friends,  (if you don't do these things , an addict will feel that they don't belong, do them, and they'll feel like an integral member of the society.)
9) Make a pact that after the one year of alumni meetings, when he's no longer made to take drug tests, he must agree to take drug tests at home, in order to stay in the home.
10) Make a pact that if he relapses, he'll need to go to at least a 30 or 90 day Relapse Prevention Rehab. (as i said, as hard core addicts, my husband and I had a pact to attend a 90 day Relapse Prevention Rehab).

This is what he can decide to do to keep you in his life. This is what it has been proven time and time again (certainly in my case and in my husband's case) to work, to battle against the use of drugs and alcohol.

First things first. Go to an AA meeting, or an NA meeting, and pick up a Blue Book and a 12 step book.  Read it so you know what it is that you're expecting him to do. You'll soon realize that it's a simple program and if he refuses to get into it and do the simple steps that are required, for your marriage to weather this storm, then you don't have a marriage to save.

i'm here if you ever need to talk. Ill get back to you within the day. Liz

I want to show you what the program of Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous is all about. As i said, it's a simple program. By him telling you he's not "into" it, what he's really saying is that he doesn't want to recognize his character flaws, and he doesn't want to make amends with those he's hurt. So if you see what he needs to do to stay clean and sober (and i mean no booze no drugs because if he's a drug addict and drinks, the booze will a) become a problem, and b) will lead him back to drugs, An addict must commit to taking no mood or mind altering substances so that they can keep their sobriety. Here's a copy of the 12 steps.

1. We  admitted  we  were  powerless  over  alcohol —that  our  lives  had  become  unmanageable.
2. Came  to  believe  that  a  Power  greater  than  ourselves  could  restore  us  to  sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives  over to the care of God
as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects
of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made  a  list  of  all  persons  we  had  harmed,  and  became  willing  to  make  
amends to them all.
9. Made  direct  amends  to  such  people  wherever  possible,  except  when  to  do  so would injure them or others.
10.  Continued  to  take  personal  inventory  and  when  we  were  wrong  promptly  admitted it.
11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him
, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12.  Having  had  a  spiritual  awakening  as  the  result  of  these  steps,  we  tried  to  carry  this  message  to  alcoholics,  and  to  practice  these  principles  in  all  our  affairs.

You see? Long term after care is a simple program and if an addict refuses to do this it is often just a case of an addict testing their loved ones to see if they can be manipulated into enabling again and allowing them to stay at home, and fall back into their substance abuse habit. However, IF YOU show them you aren't going to capitulate, straight up , right up front in the beginning and YOU have expectations all laid out like you would a child's clothing for church, based on the best information available for drug and alcohol addiction, they might be impressed enough (remember they're lost in their addiction) and grown enough and in love enough,  to follow through and save their spot in the family.

One thing i didn't mention in your list of expectations, is that he get's a "sponsor" at AA , ( a person who takes calls when a newly sober addict feels like using; partners up and does the 12 step work with them, etc.) Humility is born and healing begins when an addict realizes that they need something other than drugs in their lives.

anyways, hope this helps. Li Z
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