So you're planning to give up your sobriety instead of planning on strengthening your program, if your dad doesn't get clean and sober ?
You know the score, nobody can get clean and sober, until they want to. Your dad doesn't want to and has never gotten clean or sober, from what i gather. He's made his choice in life. You say you gave him an Intervention, but what did that look like ? Usually an Intervention means that you let an addict go on their own, if they refuse treatment and sobriety... because it's too hard to watch an addict die within their using. This is a good example why Interventions should include an Addictions Therapist and sticking to the Intervention plan that you distance yourself from an active user.
I'm so sorry but you've done a disservice to your own sobriety, by not insisting that yous stay away from anyone abusing drugs or alcohol . This is precisely why there are rules to follow when getting clean and sober.
My husband is an addict, and I gave him an Intervention , being that if he did not get help for his drug and alcohol abuse and take advantage of everything available to him, i would have to leave, to save myself. You see , i'm a heroin, crack, alcohol, prescription drug addict myself and i knew that i would not be able to keep my own sobriety if i had to babysit another addict. I also had to have my husband committed to a Psychiatric ward for about 3 weeks, and getting onto medication for an underlying mental condition (paranoid schitzophrenia) and then onto a 90 day residential treatment center. and we've both been clean since '99.
I'm afraid that you can't call what your family offered him an "Intervention" as the whole point of an intervention is to no longer enable an addict if they continue to use. No longer make it easy for the addict to continue using.
That being said, it's a terrible terrible thing to have to watch an addict perish abuse themselves and their lives, especially an immediate family member, and i really feel for you. I have to ask again, do you have a program of support for your sobriety? Have you made clean and sober friends at NA ? Have yo a sponsor in NA that you can call and talk to about what's going on in your life ?
If you say "no" to this, and continue to plan on using yourself, what makes you any different than your dad? Do you have family members that would be crushed if you were to start to use again ?
My suggestion is that you get yourself to an Addictions Therapist, immediately. (and yes, that's the first move |I made when I was serous about my own sobriety, prior to an outpatient rehab). and the fist move I made when my husband relapsed. it is very difficult when substance abuse if systemic in a family, and you need some help to deal with (i'm so sorry) the inevitable. You have a chance to not sacrifice your sobriety or sabotage yourself. You can say that your dad is sabotaging your sobriety, but the reality is that it is you that are sabotaging your own sobriety if you don't make the moves necessary to keep what you have.
Do you enjoy your sobriety ?
I mean are you saving your father from waking up after soiling himself ? that's precisely the epitome of enabling. He needs to wake up soiled, and after doing that a number of times, it may help him to finally figure out it's time to quit. If not,, there is a place in heaven for your father, where he will no longer have to use and he will get how selfish he's been. What a shame it would be that when your father passes, he's able to see and be fully accountable for his actions on earth, and he looks down to see that you've done exactly what he did , and given up on life because of a father passing, (which is inevitable for just about all of us, clean or using ).
Both my father and mother put their own needs and wants above their 4 children. They have both passed, and i'm positive that they are able to see their mistakes now that they've passed. Finally , i am able to get some comfort knowing that they know and are finally accountable for the harm they caused their children Sure , i miss my mom, she stayed with me for the last years of her life, and regardless of her being unable to take accountability for what she did to her kids while they were kids and beyond, i got used to having her here and being able to give her hugs and kisses. I miss that alot, but I also have been in touch with her through dreams, and I truly believe that she's very much alive and well on the "other side" . Can you talk about what you believe to be the case, when a person passes? Do you believe that there is a place that we go when we pass ? Because i think this could really be the answer for you, to realize that your dad, when he passes on will no longer have addictions issues. and will no longer be unaware or uncaring about how he hurts his kin.
Can you think and talk about what your spiritual beliefs are ? to us here, or to a pastor, or friend ? I think that's the answer friend. You'll meet a lot of very spiritual people in the program of NA to be sure. Or you'll find as much and as many friends online that you'll ever need, to help you save yourself. which is all you can do.
Don't you plan on wasted your life as your dad did his. Help yourself. for God or for Goodness sake.
Are you trying to get back at your dad, by threatening relapse? please get yourself a therapist and talk about what's going on within you. The stress is too much to deal with alone unscathed. Do it for yourself and who loves you. Don't be hypo critical and do nothing.
Well, when your pop passes, i think he'll be in the same place that you'll be when it's your time. There is no need for you to break your sobriety when your pop passes. He will no longer be suffering from addiction. You need to reconsider setting yourself up for relapse by almost planning on it when your pop passes. A friendly suggesting from another addict. Why go back yourself into that hell ? Use your spirituality to find something to do with your life and your freedom (from your dad's addiction) that will bring you love and laughter, both in your life and the lives of your family.
I think you need to get a sponsor and talk to them about these thoughts you've got about using not if but when your pop passes. Don't you think that would be a better idea then throwing your life away ?
but if my dad goes I dont think I could handle it with out getting high.
think about this, of course your pop is going to pass, he's a type 1 brittle diabetic. whose abusing substances.
You say IF your dad goes, Your dad IS going. I think it might be even better for you to talk to an Addictions Therapist. If you need your families money to get to see an Addictions Therapist about how your handling the stress of your father's inevitable passing, i think you should be honest and tell your family you need help. 9 years clean is quite a testament to your spirit.Right now your spirit is asking for help. Please listen to your spirits needs and provide your spirit with a therapist (addictions) that can help , so that it is not you on their death bed.
Please. Please. Listen to what you need and give yourself what you need. Now before it's too late. If you've been clean for 9 years , you're old enough to get the help that you need. If you can help your dad for so much for so long, you can help yourself. If your family has helped your pop for so long, they can help you now before you use. If you think it's a shame that your family has had to look after your dad like he's a mentally challenged individual for so many years, please do what it takes that they will not have to forgo peace when your dad finally does pass, and look after you , or worry about you the same way they had to with your dad. In other words, continue to do better for yourself than your dad did,. It's the way it should be .