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Avatar universal

Save my marriage

My wife went to rehab to get better for herself, and our marriage. She went in telling me I was her rock, her support, and a huge part of her motivation to get clean. Her family has thanked me for being so instrumental in her happiness, and desire to recover. She has let me know that when she gets out on Monday, that she will be moving 50 miles away with one of her roommates, and her husband. Told me she needs to get away from everyone, and all her triggers. I don't used, and we have had a great marriage aside from addiction related issues. I keep hearing about people's emotions being turned upside down, and know that this is most likely the cause. I don't want to lose my wife, and feel it's a matter of time, but I'm afraid of what she might do in the meantime. I know she is vulnerable, and can be easily taken advantage of. What can I do that can shake someone out of this confusion? She needs me, and her families support through this, and she keeps pushing us away
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3060903 tn?1398565123
On the other hand, she could be using with these folks from rehab as well. It's been done before. How is everything on your end?
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Someone touched on the subject of Enabling here, and i'm thinking if there is no other plausible explanation as to why she hung up on you and discontinued family group with you, it might be that you allowed her or enabled her use and she took to heart the suggestion of the Addiction's Therapists to stay away from anyone that would enable or trigger you. It could be that she felt that any communications with you would trigger her.

Your wife sounds pretty angry at you for something I'm afraid. It seems the only recourse you have is to talk to your father in law, and try and find out why (if you really don't have a clue)..  Hopefully you have built a rapport over the years with him and that he will be open and honest with you.

Please keep us updated. You're in my prayers. This must be so hard for you to deal with. Keep your chin up friend, This too will pass. There's always a shoulder here for you, You're never have to be alone with this brother.  Here's an online Alanon link. http://ola-is.org/olais/chat.htm
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10996785 tn?1432812977
I truly hope everything works out for you.....ike
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Avatar universal
I know that I have to consider all possibilities, and that there's a good chance it could come to that. We don't have any children together, otherwise I would be more concerned about future legal concerns. I make a decent living, but other than my house, that I bought years before we even met, and I still owe just a little less than it than it's worth. I really don't have much to lose. Other than my children, my wife is the most valuable thing in my life
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10996785 tn?1432812977
I'd like to clear up my position a little concerning my previous posts. Over thirty years ago my ex-wife had an addition to prescription meds. It was serious enough that some doctors were writing notes to the house warning her that she needed to stop or the law would be called. She went into rehab the first of six times. After 1 week I was told to meet with a counselor. They pointed towards me as an enabler and told me to stay away. They blamed her family and everyone that was interested in helping her get better. Upon her release I saw very little of her. She was constantly gone telling me she was going to meetings. After the third time she went away to rehab I contacted an attorney. And I waited and waited. After her last time going to rehab she came out and told me she was moving to Florida with my son, and her new boyfriend. I contacted my attorney again and he told me she would never have custody of my son. I've raised him ever since. Later the Ex told me she only went to rehab to refresh her connections. I only mention legal counseling because if I hadn't gone when I did I would have lost my son, the house and my happiness. I know that this is my story and many rehabs are wonderful but I see a big bright red flag here and you should try and protect yourself at least a little. Beware and Good Luck........ike
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Avatar universal
I did find the employee reviews early on, but didn't know how well that would reflect the treatment of their residents. I was made aware of the HIPPA laws during her intake, but she filled out the required paperwork giving them permission to speak with me about her. She did change my status after her second week, but I was completely left in the dark before she had done so. I really appreciate you doing some research for me. You really seem to know your stuff
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Avatar universal
Well, they lost their director at the end of 2013, pending an "investigation."  http://www.couriernews.com/view/full_story/24267327/article-Freedom-House-remains-open-after-termination-of-director

That may or may not mean anything.  

One way to seek out reviews on a place, is job-sites for reviews by employees.  Here are 15 from indeed.com:  http://www.indeed.com/cmp/Freedom-House/reviews?fcountry=US

One thing stuck out in my mind from your original post:  "we have had a great marriage aside from addiction related issues. "

The marriage wasn't great for her...she was in active addiction and very very sick.  No addict has a "great relationship" with anyone when they are actively using their DOC.    Your wife has issues going on with her that she needs to address on her own...if you truly love her (and I think you) then what you may need to do is simply pray for her and watchfully wait.   It's excruciating I know...and why addiction is often called a "family disease."  

Freedom House, after a cursory search on my own, seems to be okay.   Due to HIPAA laws, they cannot tell you ANYTHING about a family member's health, treatment, condition, etc.    I'm a health insurance broker and I run into anguished family members from time to time who cannot believe that they cannot get medical information at all about a loved one.  Freedom House is a 501(c) 3 which means they are non-profit and receive government funding.  They're going to be insanely guarded about HIPAA compliance.

Hang in hon.  I hope this all works out for you...

More Hugs,
-Robin
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Avatar universal
The place is called Freedom House, out of Russellville Ar, and are ARVACa  sponsored 12 step program. They do have a website, and as far as I know they have been around for several ten+ years. To be honest, we looked for the closest facility to home, so visitation would be easier. Obviously is retrospect, this was a poor decision. She has shut out everyone in her family, with the exception of her dad. Even then there has been very little contact. I did notice that there isn't a single review about this place, which seems odd given the length of time they have been doing business. I have only been able to find one person that had been treated there, and they had mixed reviews. They did say that they would have residents use their food stamps to fill the vending machines, then they would still have to pay to get anything out of it. Also said counsellors would play favorites, and let some of them log in to ther fb, and contact friends, and family. I don't know how credible this person is, but nothing at this point would surprise me
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Avatar universal
The whole thing is odd.   It is a 12-step based program?  Does this place have a website?   Are they connected to a hospital or community medial center?  Do they have 12 step or even family meetings on-site?

Sorry for so many questions, but I have one more:  How did your wife find out about this place, and/or why did she choose to go there?

There are some very funky rehab places popping up these days.   Heck, the Church of Scientology has their own rehab for narcotics addiction, and don't get me started on them.  

If this were me, and it were my spouse, all kinds of red flags would be going up.  I'd start by contacting the Dept of Health in your state and find out a bit more about the background of this place.  How long have they been in business?  Are they private or non-profit?  Have any complaints been lodged against them, or have they ever been penalized by the state or county?  

Traditional 12-step based programs would never have 3 addicts moving in together after only a 30 day program, but this place may not be based on the 12-step model.  

It's so hard for family members of an addict, because there is nothing they can do...unless, or course, you feel as if your wife is being manipulated or coerced against her free will.   I didn't find refills suggestion of seeking legal counsel to be inappropriate at all---in fact, I was going to suggest it myself as a possibility for the future.  Maybe not now, but if I were YOU, it would definitely be something in the back of my mind.

Do you have children? What about your wife's side of the family; have they also been shut out?

Finally, if you cannot find Al-Anon, I'd suggest you get some counseling for yourself so you can feel supported and heard by someone.  

I can appreciate how stressful this all is for you.   Good luck honey.
Hugs,
-Robin
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Avatar universal
It's a 30 program, and she gets out today. I know they aren't supposed to make any major life changes until they learn to process emotions they aren't used to. But I know my wife well enough to know that she is VERY headstrong, and once she gets something in her head (right or wrong) no one can change her mind, but herself. I do believe she's doing what she thinks is best. I'm just questioning her influences
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1235186 tn?1656987798
How long has she been in rehab?
It is always recommended that the first year of recovery not to make any
Major changes in your life.
Emotions are so raw and their mind is not thinking clearly.



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Avatar universal
It's ok, I don't think he meant any harm, or offence. I appreciate any advice, prayers, and we'll wishes. I don't know how this will all play out. My worry is that she will jump into a relationship with someone else. I know how vulnerable, and emotionally unsound right now. If she does, I have to ask myself if I can live with it, and what I can accept. I know that under any other circumstances it would be a deal breaker, but the other thing I know is that I love my wife with all my heart, and that I know without a doubt that she loves me too. She's just lost right now, and I pray that when she realizes that she needs me as much as I need her, that she isn't too proud to make her way home
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10996785 tn?1432812977
My apologies sir. Somehow I posted that without finishing. Oh I understand how you feel and I'm not suggesting you start any type of legal options concerning your marriage directly. You should begin to. in any way you feel comfortable with, document a trail for the future. Yes I know this is also a tough thing to hear but it may be of some help in the future. Of course you love your wife and you should try and support her all you can. This is a community that tries to help addicts. Your wife running off with strangers is not helping her and I would tell her the same thing if she was to post here. It's not easy for me to talk to you this way. I know both sides way more than I wish I would. I absolutely would never had a chance to get better without my family. Not saying it's impossible, just for me that is. I've learned as I went. Sometimes the lesson were hard. I'm just hoping you can skip a step and realize that sometimes, tough love is the best love. I do wish you the very best and I truly hope I haven't offended you in anyway, that surely was not my intentions. Best Wishes to you friend......ike
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Avatar universal
This is her first round of rehab. She had decided to deal with issues from her childhood, that she says fueled her addiction. I'm not at the point that I want to seek legal help. I would feel like that would be the first step towards giving up on her. I love my wife very deeply. I refuse to give up on her when she needs me most
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10996785 tn?1432812977
Hey Lostsoul, Yes this is strange and very hard to take. You've already have proven yourself to be the rock that can be relied upon. Many in this community don't know that before I became a hard line addict, I was married to one. In and out of rehabs almost every other year. Often times they would try and turn the ex against, not just me, but her whole side of the family. Old school rehabilitation centers practiced this sort of "new life" beginning. It hurt me to hear all how I was the problem when all I did was support her in every way. She never did get clean and sober. Like almost every addict she just manipulated the system.

I feel that you are the victim here and this behavior, although there is nothing you can do, is over the top and unacceptable. Giving an addict what they want unconditionally probably is not the best thing to do. I put up with this behavior for years. I suggest you at least seek legal council.  
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Avatar universal
Hi.....well something doesent sound right here....the last statement you made about her telling you to not come and see her is alarming also the fact she hung up on you when you asked if she loved you....your marriage may not be as rock solid as you think   many people take drugs to cover there real emotions just so they can get threw life  remove the drugs and all that has been pent up inside comes spilling out...right now in earlly recovery your emotions are all over the place and it has been years since you have delt with even simple emotions  just know a addict in active addiction can only love themselves and often cant even do that it is a very selfsentered disease  you wife needs space  I dont agree with her moving in with one of her rehab mates but does she have a sister or brother that would be willing???  just a thought  keep us posted where here for support..........Gnarly
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Avatar universal
You should cut her money off and keep her family informed what and why you are doing things. There are evil people in this world. Does she speak with her family? Also take care of yourself. You cant help anyone if your not rested and such. I know that is easier said than done. Dove
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Avatar universal
She gets out tomorrow. Last time I had an actual conversation with her was the first week she was there. Only phone call after that was to tell me not to come see her on visitation day. She was cold, and sounded angry. When I asked if she still wanted to be with me, she said no, when I asked if she still loved me, she hung up.
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Avatar universal
Something does not sound right. Go up the ladder. You have every right to know about your wifes condition,. If she were on life support you would be the one to make certain choices. I hate to say this but she may have said not to talk to you. When I was in the hospital my boyfriend and another friend were in the room asking the nurse about how I was doing and the nurse looked at me and asked if she could talk to them about my condition and I said sure. Then she talked to them but without my ok the nurse would not have said anything. How often are you talking to your wife? Dove
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Avatar universal
This sounds completely wrong to me and I cannot imagine a reputable facility that encourages addicts to move in together after rehab! Not therapeutic at all.  She's a married women and should be supported in returning to her home and family(unless it's dangerous).  For them to interfere with your marriage is unbelievable! That's a law suit.

Something is wrong with that place. Who is paying?  I think you should get together with her family and go there tomorrow to visit(they allow family visits, right?) and get some answers from her in person. It all sounds crazy to me and having worked in a facility I KNOW this isn't usual!

Something else: Does she have access to large amounts of money? A shared account with a debit card?  I'd close those accounts, withdraw all the money she might have access to and do it fast. You must do that until she begins to make sense. You need to be protected.

Keep in touch. I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you sure it's a 12 step based rehab?
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your prayers. I'm so afraid of losing her to what seems like a total rollercoaster of emotions. She is the love of my life, and I don't know if I will be able to pick up the pieces. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient, but I don't know how to be completely out of the picture
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271792 tn?1334979657
Now I see it more clearly. The situation is a bit concerning. You are probably right that she should NOT be around strangers who are struggling with their own recovery. And why she won't talk with you at all is a mystery. This is not the 12 step way at all. I feel for you honey and I hope it all works out but it seems there is something else going on with her. Please keep talking here and let us know what is going on. My prayers are with you.
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Avatar universal
I have been pretty diligent about looking for local Alanon meetings. It's actually been extremely frustrating. I have found warnings about facilities that have unethical methods that are more concerned aboutprofit, than people. Some of the warning signs were pushing them to continue with a live in work program. They actually tried selling her on this when I was with her when she was admitted. Said it was a great way to start her life over. I thought this was a very tacky sales pitch to do in front of me, and before her treatment had even started. Another warning sign is not pushing for family participation in counselling, and educating us in expectations, and how to do our part. I even asked this about this, and was told that I was on my own, and she wouldn't be participating. Another is encouraging  separating them from their family, and I feel that this is obviously going on. She has cut everyone out but her dad. She refuses to speak to me, her brother, sister, and other close family members. We are all baffled, and devastated
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Avatar universal
I think you are getting ahead of yourself there. You don't need to analyze 12 step programs. And btw, that is NOT what goes on in meetings.

Back to you, this must be a blow for you and I'm sorry. I'm w/ Bears fan, that sounds odd to me. The folks at her rehab are there to support her, not you. So you need to get yourself help, in person. There is alanon everywhere. I don't understand why you say you have no luck finding a meeting. Look again, you will find them.

Remember, your wife is sick. She is prob still  detoxing, at least mentally, and her world is upside down. She may look back at her decisions at think she was crazy. For all you know, she could be planning to move in w/ those people to continue her drug use. Who knows. Point is, more will be revealed later.

I cannot suggest strongly enough to find an alanon meeting and go asap. You need a support group. People you can have coffee with. Folks that get it that you can call at any time.
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