So today, I decided to stay. I don't know why, and I don't know for how long but I feel as though I got backed up into a corner and wasn't strong enough to leave.
I have posted in this forum numberous times and honestly got the support to get me through rough times, especially because I have no one to talk to about this.
I chose to leave. I left. I came to the apartment to get my stuff and I felt like the walls collapsed around me and I was stuck, trapped. My user has been sober for almost a month now. And it feels like an eternity. However it's been a 5 year struggle with OxyContin, and 3 of those years have been with me. I now feel so gross. Unconfident, overwhelmed, resentful. He says we can fix it and it's all over and when I think of the good times I'd like to think it is. Then I realize that for our good times he wasn't actually there. I don't know when or if he was high and 90% of the time he was and I just didn't know. I feel like I now have some serious issues. I'm trying to get to meetings but my work schedule won't let me. So I'm turning to whoever can help me here to offer there advice or strength on what to do.
I don't know how to stay, but I don't feel strong enough to go. I can when I'm not here, with him, but I feel mentally trapped in this relationship, not here because we want to be but because it's another habit, another addiction. My life has been on hold for 3 years, he says it's done and changed but he's said that before. I know this sounds stupid and like it's an easy choice but nothing feels easy anymore. I don't feel good about myself anymore and I don't know how or if I can get over it. I just don't know..........