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Avatar universal

The ultimatum

So today, I decided to stay. I don't know why, and I don't know for how long but I feel as though I got backed up into a corner and wasn't strong enough to leave.
I have posted in this forum numberous times and honestly got the support to get me through rough times, especially because I have no one to talk to about this.
I chose to leave. I left. I came to the apartment to get my stuff and I felt like the walls collapsed around me and I was stuck, trapped. My user has been sober for almost a month now. And it feels like an eternity. However it's been a 5 year struggle with OxyContin, and 3 of those years have been with me. I now feel so gross. Unconfident, overwhelmed, resentful. He says we can fix it and it's all over and when I think of the good times I'd like to think it is. Then I realize that for our good times he wasn't actually there. I don't know when or if he was high and 90% of the time he was and I just didn't know. I feel like I now have some serious issues. I'm trying to get to meetings but my work schedule won't let me. So I'm turning to whoever can help me here to offer there advice or strength on what to do.
I don't know how to stay, but I don't feel strong enough to go. I can when I'm not here, with him, but I feel mentally trapped in this relationship, not here because we want to be but because it's another habit, another addiction. My life has been on hold for 3 years, he says it's done and changed but he's said that before. I know this sounds stupid and like it's an easy choice but nothing feels easy anymore. I don't feel good about myself anymore and I don't know how or if I can get over it. I just don't know..........
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1530493 tn?1410056636
Hi !!!
First of all. ..YOU are important, as well as your feelings and your life.
Have you checked out online narcon meetings ?
How about counseling?  
Addiction becomes a very real mental issue for the people that love them. His addiction has flipped on you. I totally understand that heavy heart you feel and the fear, but honey ask yourself,  what is the reason you feel as you do ?  This is not your doing.  A healthy relationship builds, supports and is not selfish.
He may be clean now,  but he has some proving to do to you.  
Most often, they will not except blame and will blame everyone in their life....it's all part off addiction.
I'm sure you've heard many times they will make us just as sick if not sicker than them ? There is alot of truth in that.
As hard as this is right now....do for you.  When your in a better spot and you will be, than you can look at your life in a better way ok :)
I know I can say very little to take away your pain, but I'd like to offer my friendship
were here for you
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I was with my boyfriend and he smoked pot and drank I drank heavy and done pain pills I always suffered from depression so I self medicated. I was put on pain pills at 18 when I had to have a c section and the hospital messed me up permanently. I only took the pills when I needed which was maybe 7 days out of the month. Eventually our drinking became a problem because we couldnt get along for anything we noticed this so we talked about and both quit. We had been together 2 years at this point. We were both bitter with one another and I became pregnant which i was told would never happen since the hospital screwed me up. We couldn't get along I wanted and tried so hard cuz I already had a daughter with no dad I didnt want a son with no father either. Eventually I made up my mind contacted my mom who lived in Georgia I live in pennsylvania and I made plans for her to come get me. My mom arrived 3 days later for a visit he knew nothing about she was at a hotel and that very day I pleaded for him to tell me why he was so angry bitter full of rage and anger so often I was 6 months pregnant. He yelled at me told me how much he hated me he wanted me to leave then he walked out the door for work. I called my mom she came over helped me pack what was important of mine and my daughters and then we jumped in the car and headed to georgia with my mom and I said nothing to him. I left my cell phone on the counter when I walked out so he couldnt reach me if he tried. I loved him to death and would do anything for him but I deserve to be treated with respect and love I want to be happy I want my kids happy didnt want them raised in a hostile environment. Eventually he found out where i was only took him about 12 hours cuz he was worried and called my moms house and I answered the phone. He had no words he broke down crying on the phone knowing I wasn't even close for him to talk to face to face or hug. After we both worked on ourselves I came back after 6 months his son was now 3 months old and only a few days before Christmas and he seen his son for the first time. Its 5 years later and we have been married a little over 2 years now. Its not perfect but so many people are jealous of what him and I have. I showed him tough love cuz I knew I deserved better. ...now he is showing me how much he cares about me because 3 years ago my pain pills got taken by a dr cold turkey after I had been on them every day for 2 years after I had my son so I turned the streets and pills quickly turned to heroin. He hasn't left my side through trying to get me sober and fought with me so hard to not leave my house to get my fix but I would hit him run him over with my car held a gun to him pulled a knife on him nothing was stopping me. Ive been sober for a while now and communication is what got us through I lied stole done a lot of bad and illegal things to get what I wanted. But I told him the truth 1 day to everything he asked cuz I was so tired of living that way with him. He was upset and mad he thought I was on pills no idea I turned to heroin or that i opened my own bank account with out him knowing spent our 28,000 in savings and then another 10,000 in bad checks I wrote all in the last 3 months of me using heroin. Anything is possible to work through as long as its what both people want and they both work towards it and keep an honest communicating relationship. Trust is hard at first really hard but after 2 weeks you should know if things are going well or not.
Helpful - 0
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