Avatar universal

are all addicts abusive

My boyfriend is addicted to pain pills and has been for awhile.I've known him for 10yrs(since we were 15-16yrs old)we dated back then but it never went anywhere so I eventually got married and had 2 children well after I divorced my abusive husband  my boyfriend and I got back together, now at first I didn't know about his problem but he quickly had to tell me  as I could tell something was up, well he claimed he was recovering which I will say he was trying to well I got pregnant  about  2 months after we got back together and he promised he would completely quit before our daughter was born  well she's 6 months old now and everytime we have extra money he buys pills and there's no convincing him not to. Since I had our daughter hes been very abusive dragging me by my hair choking me kicking me punching me...etc. He's even done this in front of my 3 & 2 yr olds and our 6 month old hes even hit me with them in my arms and threatened to hurt them(which I don't think he would ever hurt them) but I always wonder if every addict is  abusive  or if its just him.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
You need to STOP him from sabotaging you into becoming a bad mother. But as it is his choice to use, and abuse, it is your choice to allow the abuse to happen. Is one worse than the other ? Marginally. IMO
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3060903 tn?1398565123
12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous and How It Works.

If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible.

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This sounds like a big order, and we can’t do it all at once. We didn’t become addicted in one day, so remember—easy does it.

There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way.

We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.

The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again.

Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
And when he is on drugs and we fight and he hurts me and I cry there's no feelings in his entire being but when he's not on them he's very caring but I don't know how to get him off the pills completely. Any suggestions?

I suggest that you go to an "Open" meeting, and buy the Big Book and the 12 step Book. Go on the Narcotics Anonymous website, and find a list of meetings in the area. Print out a copy of the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Get a little pile and leave them out.

Go onto the Alanon or Narcanon website and find a group for yourself, A family group that helps you to no longer enable abusive addicted behavior. If you can go to the meetings in your area, that would be best. Set yourself with a group where you can make friends and associates, It helps to have others that understand your situation , so that you are not so alone.

These are the 12 steps he must be able to work on, if you have any hope of having him around sober. Note that you cannot make him do this. That's why it's imperative that you change the current situation. If you don't believe that his behavior is "unmanageable" ... why should he ? Ideally, one should look into treatment centers so that they can give the addict an ultamdum."

Go to residential rehab now , or leave here now !!! Your choice"

Helpful - 0
1530493 tn?1410056636
Hi Tam
I hate reading posts like yours especially involving young children.
Honey you need to get those babies and yourself out of there yesterday.
it doesn't matter the reason for his anger. ..if drug related or not...the fact of the matter is abuse is present.  You don't " think" he'll  hurt your babies. ...OMG what if he did ?  You would never forgive yourself,  only you can control this situation now. ...do it for you.
You've been given great advice above, please follow it.
ive had several addicts in my life, most had " amplified " anger issues while in active addiction...they already had Angry personalities, to begin with.  ..I've also known others that were gentle as a lamb.
Don't for one minute think this is not effecting your children even at this early age. They are learning and feeling fear,  eventually that fear will flip...they will learn to fight to protect themselves.
good luck. ..we're here for you !!!

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3060903 tn?1398565123
Your baby daddy needs Rehab, and Anger Management classes. You need to separate until he's proven himself through long term drug testing and meetings at Narc Anon. He'll not be able to use any mind or mood altering substances, ever. if there is hope for him to become a family man. Lots of work. He may or may not be up for it. You can't make him. Only he can want to and usually that only happens if the partner  has them leave until they can prove that they are well. . If you want to talk about how to have an Intervention , and try to get him some help, there are many here that have experience and can help you with that. My husband and myself got clean and sober in '99. He relapsed, and I arranged for a 90 day treatment program, after I had him committed for 3 weeks in a psychiatric ward to address unaddressed mental illness. Finding your way through addiction and mental illness, is not for the faint of heart. But, it can be done with amazing results. It takes a lot of guts and takes a lot of heart.

There is a group called Alanon, or NarcAnon, for the family of addicts, and there you can learn if it is your will, how not to enable an addict, and how to have a good life, for yourself and your kids, despite the addiction problems of our spouse. You can go online and check these meetings as well.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
He's even done this in front of my 3 & 2 yr olds and our 6 month old hes even hit me with them in my arms and threatened to hurt them(which I don't think he would ever hurt them) but I always wonder if every addict is  abusive  or if its just him.

Your bf IS harming your children and if you don't get them out, it will change their personalities before they've even gone to school themselves. How sad. I was a child of this type of abuse, I'm wondering if you are a child of abuse , and that's why you ended up with the two men in your life being abusive? If that's so, you need to talk to a therapist about why you were drawn into abuse, and why you stayed for a moment and have allowed your kids to be affected.

He probably is abusive because he's seen it . He may be using trying to numb himself from abuse in his own childhood. The reasons an addict becomes an addict, a person becomes abusive is complicated, and usually needs help from a therapist to resolve a person from "acting out".

You both need help, desperately, if you want to raise these kids into healthy ones, and healthy adults. You cannot make him get help. Sometimes when a spouse leaves, with an ultimatum that the abuser gets help, they might. If it's not demanded of them, it's sure NOT likely to happen.

The thing here is that if you do stay, as it stands, you are just as responsible for abusing your kids as he is. How are the little ones supposed to acclimate to kindergarten etc. with this going on at home? Your kids will not keep up with kids from homes that have their best interests at heart. That's the long and short of it.

Who is in your life that could understand the above concepts and help you?

I'm so glad that you posted. It does worry me that you don't seem to understand that your kids ARE being negatively effected grossly, by your choices.. to stay. and since you're not gone already, you are staying. Your question was is his abuse the drugs. I was a full blown addict from an abusive home, and i never raised my hand to a loved one.This guys sounds like he surely will physically harm those kids. He has NO BOUNDARIES> and that's dangerous. Why would any mother put up with that in this day and age.?
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Avatar universal
Hi there!  How are things going?  I hope things have gotten easier for you.  Yes pills can turn people into a different person but that's not a excuse.  I no we try to reason things away thinking we can fix it and I totally get that.  But g otta o UT those kiddos safety first.  Hope you check in and let us know how you are doing.  
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Avatar universal
Both my husband and i are addicts...both in recovery and hes done amazing as have i but i havent had any slip ups he has and its different when one is clean and the other is trying to logically explain to a fellow addict where money went blah blah blah bc i know his ******** we used to spit the ssme ******** together ya know lol but yes sddicts can be selfish and i have seen some become so selfish they get abusive but from my experience the only time my husband has been really defensive or verbally assulted me is if he does coke (our drug of choice was always opiates) and the words are enough hes never hit me tho even after ive thrown stuff at him whacked him he hss gripped my arms to stop but never have i felt afraid and ive seen him at his worst. We also have a daughter and i know it may be tough and you want your fsmily together but what you allow him to do to you your daughter(s) will allow to be done to them and your son(s) will think thts how you trest women.  Im not judging your sitatuion i know both sides of it being the addict and the one dealing w an addict and its one thing to throw stuff across the room hit a wall but i grew up hearing my parents drink amd fight and i will always remember that some nights i was afraid they were gonna kill eachother i used to wish they would seperate so even arguing in front of them will have lasting affects.  Sometimes love isnt enough and i pray you will have the streghth to do wht is best for you and your kids..i read that you left your abusive husband before your bf and you got bk together and you may be in your mind makw an excuse for the behavior bc of the pills but theres never an excuse for abuse!!! Ever! Please dont think in any way you have failed again if you need to leave him dont think in any way you need to save this relationship bc you left your last this isnt about you its about him and if he doesnt care enough to get the resl help he needs then you shouldnt feel guilty for doing what you nned to do! Good luck hun please keep us posted and if you need help let someone know...its.not easy but nothing thats worth anything in life is! :-)
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Avatar universal
See I've known him for 10yrs and we dated before and he was never like this so that's why it makes me think its the drugs that makes him that way. He had quit completely one time and was the sweetest and most caring person ever. And when he is on drugs and we fight and he hurts me and I cry there's no feelings in his entire being but when he's not on them he's very caring but I don't know how to get him off the pills completely. Any suggestions?
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Avatar universal
I am not a expert I am an addict and I am not abusive I know a few males who are addicted to one thing or another and the are not abusive.  What I do know is this no one should ever hit you in a relationship.  You were very descriptive on the abuse and even stated he does this while you are holding your babies there is no excuse for it addict or not you need to leave and leave quickly.  Violence in the home shouldn't be something you or your childern put up with and god forbid one day he really hurt one of you. Now I know that is hard to leave and not wonder what's wrong with you 2 relationships that were abusive but it's not your fault.  You don't deserve to be hit or pushed or pulled by your hair, your kids don't deserve to witness it either.  Please reach out to someone for help and get out. And please check back in and let us know how your doing. Sending prayers your way.  
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