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wehn does the lying stop

this is the first time i have tried to reach out to anyone since i found out last year.

i met my fiance four years ago we were still in highschool. we started dating a year or so after. Within four months of being together he asked me to marry him. then i didnt know if he was the love of my life, i said yes because i didnt want to lose him. but now two years later i'm sure he is the man i want to spend my life with.
there is just one thing about him. he smokes heroin. i HATE even typing those words. he has only been using for about a year and a half now. heroin that is,he's always dabbled in other drugs. but since i found out a little less than a year ago i havent been the same. i think everything hes doing is a lie, i can't trust him as far as i can throw him. he was clean for four months the longest he has gone without since he started but that whole time he was on court mandated house-arrest. he relapses a month ago after him and i... well i had some medical issues he didnt take it very well. a day after my surgery i was home resting in bed and i heard him go outside. he said he needed to move his car out of the street (he always parks in the street, soo .. weird).  he used to use (smoke heroin) in our bathroom but since i've been searching it whenever he comes out i assumed if he had started again hed be doing them somewhere else. so i waited seven minutes for him to come inside but when he didnt i knew he wasnt just out there for a cigarette and i fallowed sure enough he was in his car lighting that stupid piece of tin foil on fire. he didnt see me until i was next to his window i knocked on the glass and he froze i grabbed at the door handle and pull on it three times as my eyes filled with tears he finally opened the door. i said "give it to me" he handed over the tin foil i said "the pen too and stand up" he gets out of the car and i padded his pockets. I AM NOT THE POLICE. this is not what i signed up for. he could be clean when if he wasnt he would go to jail but he cant be clean for me to start a life with the woman he says he loves. everytime i smell that awful smell on his hair or find another piece of tin foil or a used pen i doubt that this battle will ever be over and if i will ever be able to trust him again. we've had to change the date of our wedding twice already we always say its because of family obligations or previous arrangements but the truth is i keep changing it because i need to figure out how to trust him again. he currently says hes two weeks sober but i think he used today before that i believe he was five days sober. when will the lying stop? this is a rant and im sorry i hope someone can actually understand me for once and the things i go through everyday just to try to keep him safe. i'm the only person that knows that he uses if anything happens to him i will always feel like its my fault.
8 Responses
3060903 tn?1398565123
Sorry about your predicament.

You've mentioned that he's always dabbled in something, so he's an addict from probably the age of 13 or 14. Almost half his life. He needs to go to rehab to relearn how to live a 'normal life without succumbing to addiction.

Are his parents aware that he has 'dabbled in drugs always? Are they close to him?

The rule of thumb for addicts, is that the secret must be brought out into the light. The reason why addicts don't ell anyone they're addicted is because there would be an expectation from the informed parties that he stop using. His family should be told or apprised of the situation as it stands, and they may be of service to get him some help . They need to know so that they can influence him to receive the help.

Mostly, the therapeutic community believes that the family and loved ones of addicts must back away from an addict and no longer enable them,(once  the secret has been exposed.) but rather tell them and mean it that they will no longer support an addict in active addiction, until the addict will commit to rehab and aftercare. That's what works for addicts. Anything else ends up to be more enabling. As you say, if you are the only person that knows, and you don't try to force him into rehab, they it will feel like it's your fault if you do nothing.

He's sick and in need of help If he had cancer his family would insist upon him seeing a doctor, an addict is sick and in order to get well, they must see an Addictions Therapist. Then the progress can begin.

There is a group called Alanon or NarAnon, for the families of addicts to go and have their own support group. Much like AA or NA (Narcotics Anonymouos).


Many addicts use drugs or alcohol to cover mental illness, like bipolar or schitzophrenia,  or to become numb to abuse from their childhood. All of these underlying causes of addiction are dealt with at an Addiction's Therapist's office, and rehab. Afterwards, it' is suggested that the addict go to a mutual support group, like AA or NA.

All of the resources are available for addicts to get clean and sober (clean from drugs and sober from alcohol) as well as help the families. All that is required is commitment. You need to demand that commitment from your boyfriend. You have to tell him that your life means too much to you to throw away on someone who is NOT WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO ACHIEVE SOBRIETY. and honey, YOU have to mean it.

Can you do that ?

Are YOU WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO STOP THIS ADDICTION? Otherwise your man can lose his life. It won't be long until he meets someone, (maybe a women) that will show him how to bang his dope, so that it will last longer and seem more powerful. Then he'll have an intervenus habit, and probably get HepC (like i did) or worse, HIV  Aids.

Addiction is PROGRESSIVE. I'm sorry honey, but this is only going to get worse.

Your folks should know so they can keep you honest and accountable
and his folks should know to help keep him accountable.  In fact, it should not be a secret . Secrets kill addicts. The more people that know, ie. his doctor so they won't prescribe addictive prescriptions. his brothers so that they won't drink in front of him etc. You see where i'm going with this?  You can't be the keeper of this secret. That in itself is enabling him to use.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Do you both work? Does he work in a place that would send him to rehab ? many union jobs do, as well as many other companies. This is a widespread epidemic in which every family has a member joined to it. There's no reason to feel any shame, it happens in all walks of life.  keep your chin up.
Avatar universal
Thank you for the honesty it's really what I needed to hear. His family they are immigrants and don't understand what it really means for him to have a drug problem. When he got out of jail. Him and I went to go see his mom and he told her and I quote "I wasn't just smoking Marijuana I was doing dope, but I've stopped" I don't think she never understood him.
Yes we do both have jobs
my father who is my only support system knows what's going on. Well for the most part I didn't tell him he relapsed again yet. I've tried to say I'll leave him and I have left for hours and all I've come back to is an empty house he uses when ever I leave to go to work to go see my friends my family anything he uses that as his time to use.
Avatar universal
He's as close to his parents as they get in his culture. They just don't see it as a problem and if they do thinks it's a problem they when they deal with things like this in their country is the man has to be strong enough to help himself. So even if I wanted to tell them everything they already know a lot and don't seem to care.
3060903 tn?1398565123
So he's being enabled in a sense by his parents. And that takes away from his chances of getting well. In that, you can do your part, and tell him that you will only accept him in your life if he is seeking help, and he can go and find refuge with his family of origin. I'm not sure if there is a communication gap with his parents , and they are not getting the whole story, you say he said he was on "dope" but they might not (want to) know what that means. You can talk to an Addictions Therapist about how to best handle your situation. It might mean talking to his family and trying to get them involved in a family intervention. It could be that you are all that is needed for him to have an intervention. You would sit down with him and an Addictions Therapist, and any other friends or family that are concerned about his drug use and willing to do what it takes , and let him know that this is it, the end to you accepting his using while in your life. In residential (in patient) or outpatient rehab, they will drug/alcohol test them. I did this for 30 days (outpatient) and then met with the group for another year weekly (where we continued to be drug tested) After that 13 months, i initiated blood testing every second day for over two years to prove to my family i was indeed, clean and sober. You need him to be of the mind that he will go to any lengths to stay clean and sober, If he's not ready for that, you need to be prepared to back away and continue on with your own life. I'm so sorry that it is so hard and it will require you to do the hard thing, but to help him, and indeed to help yourself, you have no other choice. You must do what works for so many. There is so much help available for addicts these days thankfully.. It used to be that addicts were put into psychiatric units and given shock treatment. Now, it is by far more humane. He will not be harmed, and there's a great possibility that he will love treatment. He will make a fuss, but you have to understand that he is a desperate man seeing to continue using VERY POWERFUL DRUGS, HOWEVER, THERE IS NO POWER GREATER THAN THE POWER OF LOVE.

I'm praying for you. We can talk anytime by private message. I'll always be here for you.

Liz
Avatar universal
Yeah it is not your job to search for drugs and try to control his addiction.

IMO - once it gets to the point on using heroin, it is a lost cause. No wonder you hate typing those words.

You can wish him well and move on with your life - this is precisely what I am doing with "my addict". We have a son together - that is the toughest part.....

I now realize that I was always in love with his potential, not him. Would you want to have a child with this man? This was my deciding moment - I want another child, but realized that I will never have another child with him. His relapses were very hard on my son already. I am quitting his addict games.
2 Comments
It is true, that heroin is a very scary sentence both for the addict and the family. However, i was a heroin addict and quit in '99 and have been clean and sober since. Sobriety can come for any addict if they put the work in and are surrounded with the right people in treatment and aftercare.
IMO of course. I surely respect you and your opinions on this matter. I'm proud of how you've handled your situation.
Avatar universal
Nighthawk - it is absolutely possible, and I applaud your recovery - very impressive.  

OP - I would take time off to see if he gets clean - you are not married and have no children with the guy - tell him that it is not ok and it has to be you or his habit. He may choose to get clean or he may not. Nothing to do with you - but you will spare yourself some future misery
1 Comments
Thank you for your kind words. I won't lie to you, many addicts that have come from the worst abuse cases, or no abuse,  take many tries at rehab before they get it to stick, including myself. And my son had to suffer and wait for me to be able to become fully accountable to him. Although i got clean in '99 i am in no way a shining case of success. simply put, i'm ashamed it took so long, and it is this shame that helps me to help others find themselves a bottom that is not so low. To do better than I did, To save more of their lives. My family of origin enabled me and sabotaged my sobriety in many ways, and i was not strong enough to fight my way out of the confusion and hurt that came from my upbringing. My family and I were my own worst enemies.

It was a connection with another addict, who i am with to this day, that allowed me to fully accept the principles of recovery in the 12 step program associate with Narcotics Anonymous. He had so much programming from his trips to the halls of AA , that he was able to recite from memory all the answers i needed or will ever need to maintain my sobriety. Free of charge. . Much as one hears people recite verses from the bible. it was his adherence to AA, that saved this addicts life and i will always be in awe of the potential for love and connection felt by addicts at the worst times of their lives, simply in the rooms of AA. and from the sponsorship of addicts that got clean before me. It's hopeful even for those who cannot yet afford rehab, as all will be shared if there is a willing person asking.
3060903 tn?1398565123
All that can be done is to show the way, and give someone a chance. To let someone know that you are aware that enabling a loved one is not the answer and as a non user of drugs, you cannot be the authority or the answer on the subject. You may well be a reason for sobriety, but you are not equipped to keep him on the straight and narrow.. And, of course, not bringing children into a situation with an addict, that has not been dealt with SINCERELY and with the PURPOSE of LONG TERM SOBRIETY IN ORDER TO BE CONSISTENTLY ACCEPTABLE TO LOVED ONES AND AS A STRONG AND RESPECTABLE PARTRIARCH OF THE FAMILY in this case, to FUTURE CHILDREN. assuming you and he may want a family in your future.

M any addicts that have had abuse in their life, and have countered that abuse with their own hard drug use, don't make it. I think on some level, as inexperienced as you may be, you have probably thought that your husband's background may, not only not support his success, but also that the collateral damages of his past may be too much for him to get over , or get around. It is with a sad heart that i have seen many that have died in their early years, unable to accept the help that's available. I'm from Canada and rehab is available to all, however it might be different where you come from. If rehab is not covered under any insurance plan, then a case must be made to save the drug money to at least talk to an Addictions Therapist. A good connection with an Addiciton's Therapist and close connection with a Sponsor in AA who does have experience with Rehabs (and many of us have gone to more than one) can be SUCCESSFULby way of the COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE of the group of  NARCOTICS AND ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.

1 Comments
sorry... it's late...
... not bringing children into a situation with an addict, THAT IS NOT ABLE TO DEAL WITH THEIR SOBRIETY with SINCERETY and with the PURPOSE of LONG TERM SOBRIETY ... IS optimal. An addicts life can ruin children and lead to long term emotional distress that can affect generations to come.
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