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Clueless - Need help please!!
Hi. I need some help and advice urgently.
My husband has been addicted to drugs for the last 12 years. We have been married for nearly a year, together for 3 and we have an 18 month old son.
He relapsed about 3 months after our son was born, his main problem was pure speed, but for the last 2 months he has been on heroin. he went to rehab for heroin about 5 years ago. he's been using more and more regularly, from once a week to now every 2-3 days.
I am terrified. i don't want to lose him but i just don't know what I can do to help him. He wants to stop, every time he does it he feels so guilty that he wants to kill himself. I don't want to be a 21 year old widow with our boy. i don't want to lose my man, i love him so much.
I just don't know what to do, or what to say, or how to help him. please please give me some kind of insight of to what I can do before it's too late.
My husband has been addicted to drugs for the last 12 years. We have been married for nearly a year, together for 3 and we have an 18 month old son.
He relapsed about 3 months after our son was born, his main problem was pure speed, but for the last 2 months he has been on heroin. he went to rehab for heroin about 5 years ago. he's been using more and more regularly, from once a week to now every 2-3 days.
I am terrified. i don't want to lose him but i just don't know what I can do to help him. He wants to stop, every time he does it he feels so guilty that he wants to kill himself. I don't want to be a 21 year old widow with our boy. i don't want to lose my man, i love him so much.
I just don't know what to do, or what to say, or how to help him. please please give me some kind of insight of to what I can do before it's too late.
I am sorry, but I couldn't disagree with DiEvano more. People - ( I ) - don't like ultimatums. I mean, it's not like there aren't consequences that he is already aware of for just doing what he is already doing. He is both stuck and hooked. Been there myself. I don't respond well at all to drawing the lines. I told a friend once that i had nothing against pushing the envelope...my buddy said "you don't push the envelope, you tear the whole da** top off it!" Another said that i seemed to enjoy an adventerous lifestyle. I don't know all of the psychology, but this doesn't sound to me like a time for confrontation. Stick with everything and keep us informed...we are all with you..
From what I hear, every heroin addict wants to stop. They all want a "normal" life. But on the other hand, they want to feel "well" and the easiest way to do that is to get their next fix. A vicious cycle...
I'm just wondering here... instead of an incentive to get your husband on-board, how about a consequence if he doesn't immediately seek help and stop using? It sounds like you may need to start drawing some lines - and there is a thin line between loving and/or supporting someone and enabling them, without even realizing it...
My heart goes out to you. You and your family are in my prayers.
I'm just wondering here... instead of an incentive to get your husband on-board, how about a consequence if he doesn't immediately seek help and stop using? It sounds like you may need to start drawing some lines - and there is a thin line between loving and/or supporting someone and enabling them, without even realizing it...
My heart goes out to you. You and your family are in my prayers.
Please remember always that you aren't alone here. And also keep in mind that the people that use this site can probably relate to the issues that you are struggling with better than about anyone else that I can think of. Keep looking for answers. New ones pop up here frequently.
I'm from Australia, but i'll def. do a google search for detox centers. I think there are some narcon meetings around so i might do a search for them too. he doesn't like what has been suggested.. but i guess he's not going to like anything to get sober right? i mean.. it's not meant to be fun.
His dad knows that alcohol makes him hang out, but he doesn't understand, he thinks that he should be able to just get clean. his dad is a bit of an alcoholic himself although he'd never admit it.
I've tried the incentive thing with tattoo's, he's been wanting new tattoo's for years now, but sadly it hasn't worked.
Thank you for all your kind replies, before I posted I felt so alone in this, I had no idea what to do/think/feel but now it's helped me to see that i'm not the only one in the position, i'm not alone.
His dad knows that alcohol makes him hang out, but he doesn't understand, he thinks that he should be able to just get clean. his dad is a bit of an alcoholic himself although he'd never admit it.
I've tried the incentive thing with tattoo's, he's been wanting new tattoo's for years now, but sadly it hasn't worked.
Thank you for all your kind replies, before I posted I felt so alone in this, I had no idea what to do/think/feel but now it's helped me to see that i'm not the only one in the position, i'm not alone.
If the stuff is brown goopy its the meth.. I was hoping against hope that he had a connect for pharmaceutical dex or benzedrine or something. Doesn't he know any truck drivers? Just kidding about that last part..I am not close to innocent, but it took one of my Boy Scouts (!!) pointing out how that **** is made with residual battery acid and all kinds of terrrible stuff still in it for me to get out. Kleen virtually always has great advice. And even though it is hard to stop the skag, it isn't any more impossible than stopping the hydrocodone. Methadone still takes number one on my quit list. And just trust me here, I've got beaucoup experience stopping. This by far my longest stretch since, ohhhh........about 1972. How many of you folks were alive then? If hubby is in a course and he is talking about needing to quit, then you might very well have a good shot at assisting him. Guys just love to be taken care of sometimes. It,s a boy thing. And carr, please don't get so descriptive about blasting anything.....I haven't in more than 12 years, and yet when I read your post I wanted to run out for a fit all of a sudden............................maybe you should explore writing? Very definitely this issue is not resolved merely by getting clean...sadly enough that may be the easy part. For the computer, there are many voice recogniton programs available for less than a hundred bucks..it might make a good Christmas present. Does dad know what he is doing by tempting/enabling the problem? I realize that its a thin line to walk, but sometimes you just have to do things. No one on this site cares about you venting. In fact it's probably a great thing for you to do. Like the previous posts said, its not easy watching someone that you love going this route. Stick with this. Does he have any worldly desires? I finally figured out that for what i have spent rather rather foolishly I could have been diving in the islands every few months...maybe you can figure out an incentive for him to save a few bucks.
I am going through some of the same issues with my hubby but not with herion. One thing that we have done that had some success a year ago and if he followed after-care treatment it may have been more successful, is a detox center. I'm not sure where you live but we went to the Coleman Insitute, and they have different offices over the US so you may want to check out their website. They do detox for herion as well as other drugs and place an narcan implant in that now I believe is good for 6 months, and request that you do the implant for atleast a year and then go to the pill form, especially if you were a long time user. They also recommend sometype of after-care like 12 step or NA meetings. I think my hubby would have been more successful if at that time he would have put in the work to stay sober, b/c he thought that if he could get over the withdrawls he would be fine but that wasn't the case, you have to deal with all aspects or its just a matter of time before you relapse. It is pretty expensive, around 5,000+ but they do have a fianance program. I'm not sure if he has ever been to any mental health agency for substance abuse, but they also can help you get into detox. Most community based mental health agencies are allowed so many goverment grants per year to help people get into treatment programs. You just have to ask about them.
I feel your pain, watching what is doing to him, and feeling helpless. I have just tried to be supportive and let him talk to me about it, to try and understand, then I do what I can to find him help, but I try to not let it consume me, and still go on with my life. My hubby has relapsed and I just recently found out so we are going next week to see a Suboxone doctor and I am hoping that helps him stay sober along with counseling. That is something that he did not do last time was go to any meeting or counseling or continue with the narcon implant. So I am hoping that this makes a difference and he is able to get his life back and our life back to. I'll be thinking about you and your family and wishing you the best of luck.
I feel your pain, watching what is doing to him, and feeling helpless. I have just tried to be supportive and let him talk to me about it, to try and understand, then I do what I can to find him help, but I try to not let it consume me, and still go on with my life. My hubby has relapsed and I just recently found out so we are going next week to see a Suboxone doctor and I am hoping that helps him stay sober along with counseling. That is something that he did not do last time was go to any meeting or counseling or continue with the narcon implant. So I am hoping that this makes a difference and he is able to get his life back and our life back to. I'll be thinking about you and your family and wishing you the best of luck.
once i discovered the "needle" i dont do a drug any other way...if it can be broke down i shoot it...what about suboxon (sp) some on here swear by it...its an opiate blocker i think...u can search it on the net...there is a website...suboxon.com? anyways...he has to want to stay clean and other than being an addict...something is triggering it....depression??? i dont know....deep down problems...maybe a good psyc doctor could help? i dunno...just throwing something to think about to ya....the needle is a hard thing to walk away from...i havent done it yet...i used last night....its the anticipation of 'jacking" the plunger...seeing the blood and then knowing u have a vein...pushing the dope in....the expectation...knowing whats coming next...when u try to get clean...its an uncertainty...u dont know what will happen...wd's...and then its the Mind "feck" of the addict that justify's using....i wish i had some words of wisdom..maybe sharing my needle knowledge helps some...i hope so....take care and good luck...let me know if i can help at all....
carrie
carrie
He's not in counseling, he's doing a relapse course at the local hospital, they just go twice a week and learn about the cycles of repalse etc etc..
the closes rehab is nearly 2 hours away. there isn't much where I live... he's been there before and he stayed 2 weeks before he left because he said it was sh*t.
I've searched for resources but i'm finding it incredibly hard to find anything. There is a HUGE drug problem where we live, its everywhere. it just feels like there is no help available.
i'm not recovering from drugs or anything, I have an eating disorder (yeh... pretty fked up household here eh?) so when he does get on, and doesn't eat, it means I don't eat, which triggers me, i just feel like I have so much on my plate,
the closes rehab is nearly 2 hours away. there isn't much where I live... he's been there before and he stayed 2 weeks before he left because he said it was sh*t.
I've searched for resources but i'm finding it incredibly hard to find anything. There is a HUGE drug problem where we live, its everywhere. it just feels like there is no help available.
i'm not recovering from drugs or anything, I have an eating disorder (yeh... pretty fked up household here eh?) so when he does get on, and doesn't eat, it means I don't eat, which triggers me, i just feel like I have so much on my plate,
yeh he's the same way.. wants to stop but doesn't know how. he shoots it. he says he loves the needle (i myself have a major needle phobia). im not sure how much he is useing, i don't ask... i don't like to know.
Don't ever apologize for letting it out hun. that is what this is for.
I am concerned that he says the counseling isn't working and the rehabs there are no good. They are what you make them. There is no such thing as a "bad" treatment center. Surely, some are better than others, but none are bad.
He is either not listening, or not wanting to change, or not dealing with issues that caused him to use in the first place.
Like I said before, he has to have the desire to want to stop. That desire has to be overwhelming. He has to be sick and tired of the lifestyle.
I know you are trying to help him, and I commend you for that. But please...don't forget about YOU in all this. You said that you are recovering and this is hindering that. That is so sad. Please find the strength to get on with your recovery.
I am concerned that he says the counseling isn't working and the rehabs there are no good. They are what you make them. There is no such thing as a "bad" treatment center. Surely, some are better than others, but none are bad.
He is either not listening, or not wanting to change, or not dealing with issues that caused him to use in the first place.
Like I said before, he has to have the desire to want to stop. That desire has to be overwhelming. He has to be sick and tired of the lifestyle.
I know you are trying to help him, and I commend you for that. But please...don't forget about YOU in all this. You said that you are recovering and this is hindering that. That is so sad. Please find the strength to get on with your recovery.
what about a detox center? or the local hospital may have a detox program and can talk to him about other care....i have the same problem with my guy...."they want to quit...dont know how to quit...scared to quit...talks about it....doesnt do anything but that"? may i ask how he does the drug? smokes it? shoots it? sometimes that makes a difference...i've never smoked it but i have injected it...and there is something about the needle thats comforting....weird i know..but its the truth..some call it a "romance"...how many bags is he using?...take care and good luck...
carrie
carrie
Thank you Marie. and yes, it does feel like I am his mother at times. I hate that i have to do it, as much as he does. but what needs to be done, needs to be done.
I think I will show him this forum in time, although I have my doubts whether he will use it. he's not the best on the computer. he cannot type, he has dyslexia so he finds it quite difficult to write, so it's not possible for him to use this as he would need it unfortunately,
I think I will show him this forum in time, although I have my doubts whether he will use it. he's not the best on the computer. he cannot type, he has dyslexia so he finds it quite difficult to write, so it's not possible for him to use this as he would need it unfortunately,
Don't apologize for 'offloading' on to this forum - we're here to help and are right along side you. I'm 'new' to this site - but am not new to being around addiction - all my brothers and sisters are addicted to crack and/or alcohol.
It doesn't sound to me like you have him under your thumb - it sounds to me like you are raising another child. I know that sounds harsh - but I don't know any other way to put it. You're so involved with him 'potentially' recovering that you are jeopardizing your own solid recovery.
If he wants to stop, ask him to 'begin his path' on this forum - exchange his ideas with some of us (preferrably folks that have used Heroin - I've only used Vicodin). Once he's done that - then perhaps we can work on the rest of his progress plan in order to get him to a better place - preferrably withdrawl. Does that make sense? To me, I need a plan and am living proof that my plan is working for me. Perhaps he needs to start his plan for recovery so that you can solidify your own.
I pray for good health and peace to you and yours - and will be 'there' for you when you need to talk.
Marie
It doesn't sound to me like you have him under your thumb - it sounds to me like you are raising another child. I know that sounds harsh - but I don't know any other way to put it. You're so involved with him 'potentially' recovering that you are jeopardizing your own solid recovery.
If he wants to stop, ask him to 'begin his path' on this forum - exchange his ideas with some of us (preferrably folks that have used Heroin - I've only used Vicodin). Once he's done that - then perhaps we can work on the rest of his progress plan in order to get him to a better place - preferrably withdrawl. Does that make sense? To me, I need a plan and am living proof that my plan is working for me. Perhaps he needs to start his plan for recovery so that you can solidify your own.
I pray for good health and peace to you and yours - and will be 'there' for you when you need to talk.
Marie
Wow, thank you for your fast replies, I really wasn't expecting it.
He says there are so many triggers around, alcohol - makes him want to get on, but his dad offers him a beer every day. I can't give him any money, I can't give him access to any of our bank accounts, I have to call him frequently if he not home when he says he would be and I have to go through his phone frequently to check for any new numbers.
I know that all sounds like I have him 'under the thumb' but if I didn't he would be using every day by now. he knows this, he talks about what triggers him, it's just when he gets his mind set on it, he can't think of anything else until he does it.
He's getting quite sick from it... he is -functioning- but barely. he has stopped using the speed (not sure if it's meth there... pure speed.. go-ee, it like brown goo). when he was doing the smack years ago he was using everything, but now its just the smack. yes he isn't doing it every day but i don't think it's going to be long till it is every day, he's spiraled down so quickly before my eyes.
as for our finances.. he has his own ways of getting money, although he does not have access to our bank accounts, he always manages to get the money he needs...
He's told me that he wants to stop, we talk every day. He said he thinks he might need some counciling maybe, rehab centers here aren't very good. He goes to a relapse course twice a week but it doesn't seem to be working.
It's really hard. I have my own mental health issues that I am trying to recover from, and I know that his addictions are stunting my recovery.
sorry to offload all this... it's just been building up so much and I have no one to talk about it to. this is the first time i've let it out.
He says there are so many triggers around, alcohol - makes him want to get on, but his dad offers him a beer every day. I can't give him any money, I can't give him access to any of our bank accounts, I have to call him frequently if he not home when he says he would be and I have to go through his phone frequently to check for any new numbers.
I know that all sounds like I have him 'under the thumb' but if I didn't he would be using every day by now. he knows this, he talks about what triggers him, it's just when he gets his mind set on it, he can't think of anything else until he does it.
He's getting quite sick from it... he is -functioning- but barely. he has stopped using the speed (not sure if it's meth there... pure speed.. go-ee, it like brown goo). when he was doing the smack years ago he was using everything, but now its just the smack. yes he isn't doing it every day but i don't think it's going to be long till it is every day, he's spiraled down so quickly before my eyes.
as for our finances.. he has his own ways of getting money, although he does not have access to our bank accounts, he always manages to get the money he needs...
He's told me that he wants to stop, we talk every day. He said he thinks he might need some counciling maybe, rehab centers here aren't very good. He goes to a relapse course twice a week but it doesn't seem to be working.
It's really hard. I have my own mental health issues that I am trying to recover from, and I know that his addictions are stunting my recovery.
sorry to offload all this... it's just been building up so much and I have no one to talk about it to. this is the first time i've let it out.
You are doing what you can for him by getting on this site. He does have to want to do this himself. Having said that, I need to add that you may certainly influence him and I wish you the best of luck. I need to ask if he quit the speed (meth?) while he was doing the smack? If he did that you may actually be in luck. As destructive as the opiates are, they are in the back seat when it comes to rock or meth. Will he look at this site? It might be a wake up call for him. On the good news side, he isn't quite as far gone as he could become...every two or three days is a problem, but not as bad a one as an everyday habit. Is he still functioning properly? Is he able to support this habit financially? There are so many variables here on this stuff and it becomes highly indiviualized at times. People here would be glad to help you but we might need a little more solid information. I do think that it is possible to do this by yourself even if it is the hard route. Take good care of your child. Maybe try to catch him on an off day and try to get him involved also. Best of luck and please don't quit. Jeez - if my wife would have quit on me I wouldn't be alive today - and I wouldn't have a wonderful relationship with the neatest guy on this planet - my son.
Zurich is right is there anyway he would get on and read...Maybe that way he won't feel so alone..
This forum has saved my life, and if he gives this a chance it can't hurt...
r2r
This forum has saved my life, and if he gives this a chance it can't hurt...
r2r
Hey there -
There's not much 'you' can do unless 'HE' wants to quit. I believe you need the support also - which you can find here on this forum. As for Heroin addition - that's a tough one. I have dependency on Vicodin which I am successfully tapering off of (had a very successful day). It's not easy - rather - it's one of the hardest things I've done in my life - but I'm determined.
Is there any chance he could read some of the postings on this site? The people here really do make a HUGE difference in my sobriety - their advice is solid. Perhaps you can look through the archives on heroin addiction and see if there's something that will hit home with him.
Take care of yourself through all this - and your little one...
Marie
There's not much 'you' can do unless 'HE' wants to quit. I believe you need the support also - which you can find here on this forum. As for Heroin addition - that's a tough one. I have dependency on Vicodin which I am successfully tapering off of (had a very successful day). It's not easy - rather - it's one of the hardest things I've done in my life - but I'm determined.
Is there any chance he could read some of the postings on this site? The people here really do make a HUGE difference in my sobriety - their advice is solid. Perhaps you can look through the archives on heroin addiction and see if there's something that will hit home with him.
Take care of yourself through all this - and your little one...
Marie
Hello and Welcome.
Since he is a chronic relapser, I believe that he needs to go back into inpatient treatment. From there is going to have to engage in a strong aftercare program. Sounds like he is unable..or unwilling to stop on his own, besides it is hard to do from heroin.
All you can do is support him if he chooses to take charge of his recovery. If not, you can't help him. Sad as that sounds. He has to truly want this--to want to live his life clean and sober.
I understand that you are terrified. It is not easy to live with and watch an active addict go down hill. I feel sad for you, but yet you can't save him. Hopefully he really does want this and he will find help.
Take care and I wish you luck.
Since he is a chronic relapser, I believe that he needs to go back into inpatient treatment. From there is going to have to engage in a strong aftercare program. Sounds like he is unable..or unwilling to stop on his own, besides it is hard to do from heroin.
All you can do is support him if he chooses to take charge of his recovery. If not, you can't help him. Sad as that sounds. He has to truly want this--to want to live his life clean and sober.
I understand that you are terrified. It is not easy to live with and watch an active addict go down hill. I feel sad for you, but yet you can't save him. Hopefully he really does want this and he will find help.
Take care and I wish you luck.
I am so sorry for your pain...Unfourtunitly he has to do this on his own...Maybe he would need rehab again...I don't know anything about herion, but some here do, and will try to help you..
Maybe you can attend some meetings for yourself, to help you...YOU have to stay healty and focused on your son...
I know you are scared, and i am an addict so i know he is too...Just be there as much as you can , support him but do not enable him..
Read alot on here and grab on to all the info you can..
God bless you and your family.
r2r
Maybe you can attend some meetings for yourself, to help you...YOU have to stay healty and focused on your son...
I know you are scared, and i am an addict so i know he is too...Just be there as much as you can , support him but do not enable him..
Read alot on here and grab on to all the info you can..
God bless you and your family.
r2r
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