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176495 tn?1301280412

Do you ever wish you could....

have a day without a crisis or mess of some sort?  Right now in our family of 5, with 2 living elsewhere we have 4 different crisis...car problems (daughter has no money to fix) sick daughter (too cheap to buy insurance) other daughter in a crisis with a male, my sociopathic stepson in California (37) continuing to ruin my life, my exwife and my wife fighting and I'm in the middle....and I'm still trying to deal with my son's death...

There is something every single day.

Jim
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779368 tn?1252646346
Hey Jim

I have no idea if you are religious (I am not), but even so, God never gives us anything we cannot handle. Relative to other peoples' lives, you have a lot on your plate. Each issue you face, should you choose to perceive it as such, is a chance to develop your capacity to grow and learn. There are no right answers here, as there never are. Don't be afraid to be weak, or admit you cannot handle it. You are only human Jim. Things happen every single day, as though there is no end to the struggle? In other words, when is that future where things are "ideal" going to come? In planning for the future, life happens. It is up to you Jim, you can focus on things you can influence, such as your response to the issues (change perspectives etc), or you can focus on things you cannot control (affordable health insurance, car problems). Which do you think will allow you some reprieve? Influence. My heart goes out to you Jim, I wish you the best.
Helpful - 0
176495 tn?1301280412
Thank you..I'm not "religious" per se, but I believe in the God of the Bible but admit to not turning to Him much lately.


I will certainly take your words to heart.  thank you very much for them..

Jim
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779368 tn?1252646346
Same with me, not religious per se. Yours are deep problems, painful problems -- problems that quick fix approaches can't solve. Let me give you a scenario, and see if it makes any sense to you okay? I'll word it so that it appears this is my current situation.

I am currently struggling with separate, but equally stressful issues. My stepson is going through a difficult time with a mood disorder, myr ex-wife is causing friction with my wife, and each of my two daughters have problems as well. Socially this is unacceptable to me. I am consumed with the desire to help my son, at least so his actions and behavior do not interfere with my life. I feel that if "success" is important in any area of life, it is important in my role as parent and husband. I thought it was my attitude, and that I could use positive mental attitude techniques, such as, "Come on son, you can get through this!!" When others passed judgment on my stepson, or even my daughters, I reprimanded them, saying "Leave him/her alone. They are trying!!"

Nothing I did seemed to help. I could see the effect this was having on their self-esteem. I tried to be encouraging and helpful and positive, but after repeated failure to see any changes for the better, I finally threw my hands up. Tapped out.

Then, I decided that maybe I should change my perpception (try looking AT the lens through which I see the world, as well as the world I see, because this lens shapes how I interpret the world). I realized that if I wanted to change my situation, I first have to change myself. And to change myself effectively, I first have to change my perception.


*I am not one to judge, as that is not my place. I am just another person like you, trying to get by in life doing the best I can with what I have.
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521742 tn?1255107015
Wow Phizer how inspirational.
Bear Im sooo sorry it doesnt ever seem to end for you does it? You are one tough cookie and ur kids should be proud to call you dad!!!
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306867 tn?1299249709
Your a good man.  You care so much for your family , thus their problems become yours.  Like Sunny said.....your kids should be proud to call you dad. Hang in there bud. Hugs,  Mary
Helpful - 0
230262 tn?1316645934
Jim Im sorry youre having lots of problems, and youre right, its *always* something. I totally know what you mean. Im still having problems with my ex constantly, he's psycho as ever and scaring me, got 1 sick kid right now and Im getting really discouraged not finding a job yet!! I want sooo badly to get my own house for me and my boys more than ANYTHING right now. Anyhow, I know our problems are different and of varying degrees but I do empathize with you for sure.
Hey if you want a tiny pick me up, check out my profile pictures when you can- i posted  a picture of my meatloaf several days ago just for you mainly to see, LOL.
xo xo
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186166 tn?1385259382
gosh jim...i'm with ya...been there, done that ! ! !

i know that everyone handles things differently...but i finally reached the point of having to just stop.  i had the three sons who were addicts...my dad died and i had to take care of my mom's emotional well being...one of my sons was diagnosed with hiv...kids were getting married, splitting up, going back together faster than i could blink...and then i had one son in college that i had to make sure his needs were being met and that he didnt feel like the odd man out because he was "perfect".

in the process of taking on everyone else's needs...i lost myself.  i was no longer the vibrant, out going woman that i once was.  i was just someone who everyone used for their own selfish reasons...and i guess it was because i allowed this to happen.

when i finally decided i was done...i meant i was done.  i gave the control of "their" lives back to them ! ! !  i had nothing more to give and i was an empty soul.  i was 52 years old but emotionally i was already dead.  so what did i do?  i packed up and moved to the beach :)   my husband was taking a different job with the government in atlanta and i wasnt about to move to all of that mess...so he moved there and i moved to the beach.

i have to say that this is the best thing that i have done for MYSELF in yearrrrrrrrrs.  i know that my situation is a little different and that not everyone can just pack up and move...but there has to come a time when "we" as parents give back that control and put the responsiblity of our children's lives back to them.  

please take care of "yourself" jim...it's time to (re)discover who you are...it's time find that "happiness" once again.

hugs,
kim
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541953 tn?1262586226
I am with Lizzielou, there comes a time when you just can't fix all your kids problems and they are their problems not yours..I know it's hard and bud you sure have had a rough time lately but you need to set back and let the kids deal with their own problems. now I have no answer for the exwife argueing with the wife, except maybe to tell the ex wife she is exactly that the ex. know you are not alone I think all us parents go through what you are and we all some how make it. know I am sending you strength to get through this, and hope you have a calm life for awhile.

hugs

P.S. I moved 460 miles aways from my youngest just to get a break from all his problems and it being something new each day. it's hard but was doable.
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Avatar universal
pfzierfighter...GREAT POST!!!  Bear, you are one of the sweetest people i have ever known...It hurts me that you are feeling so much pain in all directions...I pray that you can take some advice and inspiration from others...

I was at a conference with my husband about a yr and a half ago..There was a man there that was seated at the table with us for dinner...he was in a wheelchair and had only one arm...but his smile was brighter then the sun...At that time I was struggling to get clean, and really hated my life..I remember it was pouring down raining, and someone at the table said , I hate this weather, wish it would stop raining...the man said very nicly, he said Do like i do,  I make my own weather...After he said that, everyone was very quiet..I will never forget those words for the rest of my life, or that man sitting there unable to do much without the help of his wife...When i got to my hotel room, I remember crying and thinking about that one comment, I wish I could see him again, and tell him how he saved one persons life...I remember saying , this is it, I will not stuggle, or fight anymore, I just gave it up...I felt this sense of releif and strenght....Sometimes we just have no control over things, and use so much energy trying to help everyone else but ourselves....Not sure if this is making any sense, but just something that i had to say, that was so personal to me..
I pray for you jim, that you can find peace..
hugs to you my friend
r2r
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176495 tn?1301280412
Thank you all (trouble...I'm heading there next)...I can't go into a lot of details but what has sent me over the edge is what happened between my 37 year old stepson (from my first marriage) and my 20 year old (step) daughter from my second marriage who is more precious to me than just about anything...my 37 year old is a sociopath who runs a porn business and who is a predator..on the night my son died he manipulated my daughter out of her hotel room where she was staying with her mother) took her to his mother's house and well...of course my daughter has some responsibility)....she now has herpes. and there is no talking to him without getting f bombs and hang ups and "she's an adult". this young woman was victimized by her "father" at a very young age and has been through nothing but horrible stuff since then...and she's trying so hard to get things together.

And I find myself in the middle between my ex and my wife who asked for some help from her and wound up in a big fight...Last night I said I don't want my stepson mentioned again in this house or any conversation and our responsibility is to care for our daughter (who as I say accepts responsibility..)

all of this as we deal with the loss of my son.  Last night I was quite close to jumping in my truck and just driving..fortunately talking to my remaining son, who I love dearly, calmed me down...

I'm sorry I can't respond to each...but thank you for your thoughts.

love to all

Jim
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176495 tn?1301280412
and I'm sorry to dump here....I'm trying to get into counseling to deal with all this stuff.


Jim
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521742 tn?1255107015
Ohhh bear I dont think any of us would consider you dumping. You have alot going on and the best thing for you to do is vent!
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Avatar universal
when we have crisis in my household its usually due to a transmission going out in the kids cars (twice within 6 months)..and the credit card is jacked...my husband cannot handle stress he has to have everything under control..i am the optimist and i tell him its only money thank god we have our health etc..and that we have a credit card to jack up!! and then i see your story bear,and i cannot imagine the pain you are going through...i cant even watch a movie about something that involves something happening to a child..i have no words that can comfort you i know,but my heart goes out to you and your family..
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176495 tn?1301280412
oh yes...car trouble...my oldest daughter (23) had her annual "skid in the snow and hit a curb" accident Sunday night and blew 2 tires, bent the rims and may have damaged the axle/transaxle...current estimate $2300..of course she doesn't have the $$.

last year it was just 2 tires and rims.

Jim
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521742 tn?1255107015
I think you need to move to a warmer climate Jim LOL sorry I couldnt resist!!
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401786 tn?1309152034
Wow dude, I'm so sorry for all your troubles.  I don't even know what to say to help or offer comfort....but please don't apologize for "dumping" here.  This is what this place is for, and many people care about you here.  If just talking about it with everyone here helps, then why the he!! not?  

I hope things get better for you soon Jim.


road2recovery:

What a great story to share.  It gave me pause.  :-)
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176495 tn?1301280412
Thank you for that R2R...despite all of this, I am in a positive upbeat mood today (though I'm about to do my taxes)...things could be much worse...I have a job..have worked for the same company for 32 years while people all around me have lost their jobs to outsourcing, offshoring, or layoffs..people with as many years as me, with families living from check to check like many of us..I"m blessed with a wonderful boss, though I've never met him, his response is always "no worries" and "jim I hear every day what a great job you do for our customers"..I have 2 beautiful stepdaughters who love me like their father, a stepson who at times calls me "Dad" and says I'm the only dad they've ever had...and my own surviving son of whom I"m so proud and love more than I can say..and 2 beautiful grandchildren and daughter in law...and a wife who for some reason loves me.

and no matter how bad things get, I love every minute of my life and do my best to live it that way...

R2R and others...thanks for your comments and your friendship..you all mean a great deal to me.

with love

Jim


I am blessed beyond what I deserve...I have a God who loves me, though I certainly don't deserve that...
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779368 tn?1252646346
I completely agree. Going back to one of my earlier posts about trying to do everything and sheltering children.... Essentially what this mean is the parent feels the child cannot handle difficulties or life problems adequately (or how we would like them to handle them). We are not intentionally doing this, but this is the underlying message. We are saying (not with words obviously), "I need to protect you, I need to make the choices for you, I am responsible to handle your consequences for the actions you chose."

The problem is, what the child (however old, 6 or 36) is receiving the message that fundamentally they are not equiped to deal with their own problems. As though there is something "wrong" with them, and why they can't seem to move away from dependence, to independence, and finally to interdependence.

So yes, handing back the responsibility of choices in relation to issues to those whom they belong is only the first step....
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779368 tn?1252646346
I dislike passing judgment on others, but here, I think you are being a little harsh? You certainly deserve love in your life. It is not deserved, but felt, and we all know we cannot control feelings!!
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176495 tn?1301280412
yes, PF....you are correct.




Jim
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669241 tn?1236264344
My heart go's out to you , but is that different than most family's in America? We have way more than we can deal with at the moment. Your not the only one with problems so don't feel alone.
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779368 tn?1252646346
Hey, just wondering how you were doing. Let's re-define dumping as "exchanging grievances between acquaintances, so as we are not alone in what we go through." How does that sound? Either way, I would actually welcome your thoughts and expressions so that you know, if you cannot find an available ear/shoulder, you can always find one, right here. Counseling sounds like a capital idea, especially considering you are the one who is seeking it, and it is not being pushed on you. In many ways Jim, I envy how you are coping considering you are still placing one foot in front of the other, so to speak, as you go on about your days. If ever there is a great example of perseverance, I find that here, in you. I'm pretty new to this (medhelp), but I find it very helpful and encouraging. Perhaps knowing that you have a whole set of individuals from all walks of life willing to listen, and to provide feedback, is comforting in and of itself.

Regards,
Non-religious, per se :)
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Avatar universal
That is such a poignant and inspirational story.  Thank you so much for sharing it.  "I make my own weather."  I think that will be my motto from now on.  I hope I can always bear that statement in mind...thanks again.
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176495 tn?1301280412
Thanks, PF, yes, somehow I manage to do that and will continue to do so.  The only problem I have is getting in my truck and driving 30 miles to the office, but fortunately my boss says "with your job performance and reputatation, I don't give a darn where you work" so working at home has become a blessing.  things are calming down a bit, if I can get my wife to accept there is not a thing we can do about my stepson..at 37 he's not going to change, even if we want to spend thousands of dollars having him charged in GA with intentionally passing on an STD, assuming we could prove it...the important thing is my daughter and get back to remembering my late son.....


Thanks and love to you all.


Jim
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