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Avatar universal

For all of having the Marrige issues right now....

Hi
  There has been a few of who recently have been going through some marrige issues. Myself included. Ive been acused of not listening etc....
  I was talking to this friend of mine, come to find out, he is going through the same exact thing and turned me on to this movie and website. The movie is called 'Fireproof" I have not seen it, but from what I hear its about a fireman whos marrige is on the brink,and he takes cetain steps to safe his marrige. Its suppose to be pretty good.
  There is a website dedicated to it and the program he did. The program is called the "40 Day Love Dare"
http://www.40daylovedare.com/ If I post this and the forum deletes the link, its  a www dot 40daylovedare *******
  You register a user name. Go to "Message board" then to "40 day love dare day by day" Now the steps (or dares) are not listed in order (ie 123-4) there kinda scattered and are covered on 3 pages. You choose day one, there is a message, then a task or dare you have to do that day. Somedays, its just an event you have to do on your own, like a day one  " Dare:
Demonstrate patience and say nothing negative to your spouse. " (Thats day one)
  Then more of of the fourty days get interactive. Some days you will do stuff that may not even be acknowledge by your spouse,  and some day you you have do something that interacts with your spouse, but they dont have to know your doind the dare. There is an oportunity for rejection in some of them. But if you fight with your spouse everyday, even day one is a big change. It explains a little about love on each dare. Its suppose to be done over fourty days. It can be done individualy and all by yourself or some couples are doing the dares together. It actualy looks like a lot of fun, but some work is involved.
  You can also post on the forum each days dare, what you did and how your experience was. Thers quit a few people that post. So you get an idea of what other people are going through. Some are in some real tough situations, this is almost a last resort. Some are just trying to better thier marrige. It is also "God" based, but not to intense. Give it a looksey. I completed "Dare one" today and will post tomorow about at the dare website. I posted prior to the day sharing what I am going though.
    I use the same screen name "Dezdon" so let me know if you post also and want your post read by us. (not to be too personal)
  I wish you all the best, enjoy
-Dez
11 Responses
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353208 tn?1260866985
Dez,
That sounds real interesting.  I have not looked at it yet, I would have needed it 2 months ago.  I am unsure on what my next step is, just trying to get thru each day.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Rebel,good luck to you.
On the website I am talking about, there are post by people who are separted. And this one guy is going through the dares even though they are apart. The ones he has to interact with his spouse, He does when she arrives for the kids. So far, he's  gotten her to go the movies with the family, watch TV at home wit him, rest her head on his shoulder briefly. BUt she's fighting it, she has a harden heart that him and God are trying to soften. She's in the struggle right now and is fighting it, but gives him a glimps of hope every now and then. It seems she cant help it.
If ts not to late, read the website and posted stories, see the movie. If you think theres something still there.
All the best to you buddy,
-dez
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Avatar universal
Hi Dez,
A couple of months ago Alienshadow posted this on the Medhelp Social Forum and he praised the movie as well and so did a few others so I was surprised to see this post too!  I haven't heard anything about the forum, but it sounds really interesting.  It's too late for myself and my husband.  I can't even get him to talk to me let alone sit down and watch an entire movie together, although I wish we could.  I just wanted to say though, that I hope things continue to work out for you and your family.  I wish you all the best, and thanks for the support you've shown me as well.
Michelle
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI,
I dug around the archives and found that posting about the movie.It doesnt mention the work sheet for the 40 dares in 40 days website though.
I have done dare one and two now.
The first dare was to was not to be argumentive for the whole day. Easy one for me. Ive been walking egg shells anyways. I just didnt bring up a topic I knew nothing about or responded to anything that migt turn contraversal.
Dare two, today, do something nice for your spouse. I washed her car and vacumed it, even the trunk. I also attended her  PTO meeting (same as PTA) and thier potluck. She is the Vice President of the PTO and this is the first one I have ever attended. I had a good time.
Dare three tomorow is bring her something she likes. I guess Im going with the old stand-by.. flowers. I havent brought her floweres in probebly over a year.
Even if she doent acknowledge the efforts, its still a new thing. I cant take it personaly. There is oportunity for resentments and discouragement. But its everything added up that counts and you know in your heart, your doing the right thing. I think I will start the whole thing over once I reach the 40th task.
  My friend who turned me on to the idea stopped by my house today as i was washing her car, he starts lauging saying..'Dare number 2, dare number 2...LOL!" It was too funny.
  Im also haveing med problems today.Im on the patch system now and change every 48 hours. But today, I feel Im going into w/d's today and it is only at the 24 hour mark. I dont know whats going on with me. Im wondering if all the medicine so frequently, is building a quick tolerance or someting. Ive been on the patch less than 45 days. I took an ativan and it seemed to quiet the feeling down for now. I have exactly enough patches like Im suppose to for the end of the month, I cant start that cheating on my dose **** EVER again. Maybe I got a bad patch or something. We'll see how I feel tomorow.
  Join in on the 40 love dare, its gunna be an intersting ride. God knows,I cant leave things as they are or do somting like this on my own.I need God's devine intervention to soften her harden heart.
peace
-Dez
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dare/Day Three,

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. --Romans 12:10

Dare:
Buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today." "

Well, I bought her a beuatiful bouque of flowers and presented them to her. She said thank.I instinctaivly went in for a kiss and i got was a peck, barley that.I souldnt have gone for the kiss. i just hurt mysefl.
  I know there is going to be some dicouragement, but I forgot how bad it feels. I just wanna cry.
  her best friend is also leaving her husband. She hangs around alot with her. i wonder if she is watching this and thinking the grass is greener. I could never disallow her to see her friend. That would be the final straw for sure. Besides, Ive have never been like that too her. Im just uncomfortable with her hanging with someone who is definitly leaving her husband and is taking pride in it. But, those two deserve to be apart.  you dont treat each other the way they do and with the name calling.. gezzz. No wonder.
Tomorow is Dare four.Im just suppose to contact her, let her know I am thinking of her and ask her is there anything I can do for her.
  I think the one after that is going to be rough. i have to ask her to name three things she is uncomfortable with and or irritated by. Get ready for the big heart pain on this one. Not looking forward to it, but it must be done.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
No changes of the heart from the Mrs. Still doing the dares and no positive res[once so far. She did say thanks for the flowers and book and everything, but thats not the point of everything.
I was going crazy on Easter, a big crying fit. I went to church for the first time in a long time. I do pray daily, but am not much of a church guy. I had a group prayer with the pastor and the elders to pray for God to come into our family and heal and fill my wifes heart with his love.
It ***** lving day to day not knowing if she staying or going. I wrote my 22 year oldson and got back the most heart warmingletter from him.I felt so good after it. Thank God for the support I have.
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Avatar universal
Nothings changed in quit awhile. She still is a million miles away. i went for a good night kiss the other night and when i reached in to kiss her, she clintched her lips and turned her face away. I cried myself to sleep that night.
  I asked her about marrige counseling and it was definite NO!
Its so strange we still live under the same roof and go through day to life with regular conversation about the kids and what not, like nothings happening. Im walking on eggshells an there is an elephant in the living room we arnt talking about.
  i did get some dialog from her this morning. The blam of being unhappy goes WAYYYYYYyyyy back! I mean when my first son was born. She gave me some instances that were really reachin if you ask me. Then there were some that i owned up to and told her I owned that, im sorry it happened, I never intendede to EVER hurt you. Her hands were trembling when she was telling me.
  I also told her I maybe going back to california for awhile to see my son and get away from her for awhile.I dont know if this is a good thing or not. It maynot even phase her. I mean like make her miss me.
  I cant move into another place in town. i dont do well alone.beside.i'd be one of those jerks that drive by the house all the time spying.  Its also a very small town and evryone knows everyone. if I find out she is dating, Il crumble.
  I asked her if there was anybody eles she had interest in and i got an honest no. She just feel she has been treated bad for years.
  Im a good daddy and a family man. I NEVER yell at my wife or call her names. i take care of her. I show her effection (not latelt, she wont let me touch her) I have never done anything stupid to hurt her and all my friends agree.
  I dont know what to do, the dares are not working at, She just brushes everything I do off. It really hurts. I really think Im in trouble here guys. I dont know what to do. I cry constantly and cant stop, i cried one day for four hours straight, my 14 year old son heard me and try to comfort me. My wife heard me crying and didnt give a damn. I am so hurting. I prayed everyday for god to keep our marige strong and help me to be a good husband and daddy, every day for years! I am so mad at God right now, where is he? I have prayed on my knees and begged him for help. Ive been to church several times and did group prayeres trying to soften her harden heart. I cant stop crying and I feel like dieing. I have never felt so low. Im falling to pieces now. I just cant loose my wife of 15 years and be some part time dad. I want my family healed. I canrt stop crying for her.Help me  
  
Helpful - 0
176495 tn?1301280412
sounds so similar to what goes on here, though things have improved a bit.  I feel so bad for you...I know the "kiss good night turn away" or the "walk up and give a hug for no reason" turn away...time away might be good for you considering talks you've had..leave her with some things to think about...I'm considering driving to Georgia for a few days...a long drive does wonders for me and it will give her time..then again my ex lives down there along with my son and grandchildren and she's convinced I want back with my ex..)(which is the last thing in the world I want).

Good luck to you Dezdon, but I have a good feeling that this will work out for you both..it will take taime, but it will work out.


Jim
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Avatar universal
Well, boys and girls, this ending badly. Its over. I found out some info about her and other men and also some info from relatives that was written that she was seeing how long I could take it before moving on.
  She never intended on reconciling. This has been plan the whole time. She's just waiting for me to move out so she could have the house and kids. She laid all these reasons on me that I am a bad person and it all just bull **** to cover her guilt of her wanting me to go. She just made up **** to make me feel like i was the bad person in all this  and Im not. She is, she simply wanted out.
  She doesnt know I am aware of this yet, so we just coexsit till I get me leagle together. I cant say more, but the fur's gunna fly.
  She put me through the worse month of my life, thinking i was a bad person and dangling a piece of hope out there that wasnt even true. This is my wife of 15 years that I have done everything for. I now see a side of her I never knew exsited. And its a very evil, heartless person.
  Thanks to everyone for all the support and hope through this. I get to start a new life now.
-Dez
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306867 tn?1299249709
So sorry to hear this. Please take care of yourself.
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Avatar universal
Yes the phetanoyl patches after a day will make u naueseous ur body is yelling for medication . If u are on phentnoyl patches u can die if u abuse . That's why I quit using them every time I woke up on the floor aftr 3 to 4 hrs . If ur an addict I can't beilieve they would put u on the patch. Michigan must be different cuz I ccant even gett a norco when I hurt. Because hospitals redflag thoose who are addicts and they wanna no y they can't draw ur blood .if ur kicked off this pain contract good luck finding another doctor unless u pay cash . So I now am a medical marrijuanna user. Wich dosnt justify my addiction but it soothes it..and my pain..yes ultram and tramadol are brother n sister ultram is on the weaker side.
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