im on my own now

[bama88]

Everyday i wake up in a good mood. I go to work go to meetings get on here and help myslef and others along the way. I hear of struggling durring using detox etc. Nobodys life became worst. Mine did.

First the detox and husband.detoxed. Second ive got another surgery Feb 13...third my hisband left. I thought getting clean wpuld help us. All it did was pull us apart even more. I thought the blaming and accusing would stop. Nope ot increased!!
Last night he accussed me of stealing money!! I was running laundry and moved his wallet on his nightstand...and he said hes missing money!! He threatened me for my money. I gave what he gave me to pay the phone. I hid a 100 to get by with.
Im tired of crying everyday..hurting everyday..i cant win this war. I am no longer a doormat and dont want to be walked over. So when we get our taxes...im.getting a devoirce..he wont leave the house. Told me i can call the law. He doesnt hurt me physically just emotionally. Im done.
Everyone thinks im.so strong. Im as fagile as blown glass today. I cant function in this much negative environmemt. Neither can my allycat.  I havent caught him high. But the drugs did their damage. 21 years ive spend with rhis man. I dont really know any other way. But i know this is the wrong way. Too toxic...to painful.
I feel like relapsing. I know i shouldnt think this thought. But i have it. All our conversations revovle around finacial woes pills and his problems.with his friends. I have listened. I have screamed cried threaten and nothing works. I have said sorry too many times.to count. Ive encouraged too many times to.count..
Let me share my day..wake up and help my daughter..sometimes.see hubby sometimes not. Go to work..usually im in a good mood. Yesterday a great one except pain. Came home talked.with him it was going good...until he missed his wallet. Then he asked if i paid the phone bill...i said no he demanded back the money sobhe can pay. Screamed because i broke a fifty because i left my twenty on tv. Now really. Does it matter how i gave back the money?  Where i went to school two twenties and a ten equal fifty. Why the illogic? I told him in therapy what i needed.expected and what my boundries were. He broke one. The blaming and accusing. Someone is leaving. And its not gonna be me that moves out. Nope. Im.going to have to put up.with him until the 15th before i get money for an attorney. Im moving out of our bedroom.into the guest room..im not going.to answer my phone. He likes to shut his off.hmm i wonder why?? And im not going to pay all the bills and walk around broke. I had 200 put back. But he says i used it on bills. Wheres his part?  I dont care if our electric gets turned off while hes here. Im not going to pay all the bills and be broke. No more!! Im not going to acept his appologies no more! Im not going to talk to him touch his things look for things hes lost. Im going to avoid him. Next week i move to the second shift anyways..so i wont see him. I dont want anything from him. Im.so hurt i feel numb naturally. Im.scared of being on my own. I havw terrible abandomemt issues..i will keed you guus more.than ever..of just to.check on me. Im scared and hurt. I have a script of percs the doc gave me for my left knee...i tore my minuscus and acl. I really hurt. But havent used any meds. Im.going to get them filled today. I hate to be a drag early in the morning. But another sleepless night in alabama. I cant take the blaming arguing and he throws up everything ive done wrong bad or how ive hurt him in the past. He refuses to.forgive me. Yet i forgave him.

[bmdad]

How are you doing today Bama?

[Bkitty]

Oh Bama,,so much i want to say but I think the above posters have covered all the bases. I know when I quit the pills and started to live a sober life,,,everything got worse before it started getting better. Getting sober was one of the most painful steps i have ever taken,,it hurt,,,a lot. I guess i had to go thru that,,Im not sure. I had to take a long raw look at myself and my life,,and that was painful. I almost divorced my husband as well in the first few months. He doesnt have a addiction problem so I can imagine the pain you are dealing with. I am here for you anytime Bama. Im glad you didnt get the script filled. You know and I know that would just make this all worse again. In hindsight now,,the last 20days i finally see my life again and I see the old me again. I never woulda have thought that day would have ever came as I was in a dark dark place for days. This is your new life now,,your sober life,,,live it how YOU want to from now on,,not for someone else. Yes,,it will hurt losing a 20+ yr marriage,,you will have to grieve that lose as you would a death almost. You gotta just feel it,,and it ***** a$$. I promise you though ,,after you come thru the darkness there will be a light so bright you will know that all the pain and suffering was worth it to get to this light. You will get there too my friend. (((Hugs)))~Bkitty

[all_alone1]

ohhh honey i sooooo know what youare going through with your husband.....

i too got fed up with my husbands accusations of things i wasnt doing...he also told me to call the law because he wouldnt leave....and the law didnt do a damn thing...he knew they wouldnt....so i left with the kids....he called me a coward for walking away......i like you grew tired of defending myself to a man who for one didnt deserve it...he was never every emotionally there for me....and second for things i was absolutly not doing.....he was the absolute reason for my depression and migraines..

bama i sooo know what youre feeling please know i am here for you girl....always.

[lulu747]

Bamma...

Deep breath....
I can't imagine the toll this is taking on you emotionally and there are so many high risks to your recovery right now.  You know you need to guard your sobriety at all costs, because without it you won't have the chance to reclaim all the happiness that you so greatly deserve.

Unfortunately, I relate to your situation with your husband in a visceral way.  I've told you I was married to an addict who abused me emotionally and sexually.  It was the time in my life when my pill use went from use to abuse.  I numbed out the pain and shame for almost a year with drugs after getting free from my marriage just over a year ago.  The past two months, all of the emotions have resurfaced and I've had to face them.  It's been tough but I've learned I'm stronger than I know and I've come a long way in forgiving myself.

Bamma-your addict brain is gonna want to use to numb out from the pain and betrayal you are feeling.  Please consider dumping that script.  You need to go through this with sober eyes and listen to your heart.  You have been through so much!  And your sobriety is still so new....You are just starting to love yourself....You need to put yourself and your lovely daughter first.  You don't need the drugs...They will only add misery and spiral things further out of control.  There is no shame in a failed marriage.  There is no shame period.  

Go to a meeting or go to therapy and talk this out.  You need all the loving and compassionate support you can get right now.  You deserve it.  Please don't use Bamma....Your life is on the line here....You are worth it.

Sending you big hugs and support...
Lu

[bmdad]

I'm so happy that you decided to not refill that scipt! That's huge and says so much about you as a person. You're a fighter Bama and deserve nothing but the best in life.

He has no right to throw anything in your face that he is also doing. It's completely wrong. You have to do what you have to do. But, if there's the smallest chance that you want this marriage to work you both need to get into some marriage counseling. If the damage is already done and you've had enough, you have to do what you feel is best for you.

[howlingshadow]

Some times it takes losing everything in order for someone to wake up. My Ex is a totally different person now, he lives faraway but he has come clean, a man of god, a good parent. I am so proud of him, but we will never get back together because the past is to horrid to forget. Just saying he has to hit rock bottom to get help for his behavior etc.

[bama88]

Dumb phone...anyways i had a vision or preminition he was going.to.get seriously hurt. I kept the kids away from.him...wouldnt let.them ride with him...i wouldnt ride either. And about six weeks after he slept with that girl he was hurt. And durring that time i couldnt devoice him. I needed to.stand by him and support him thru the wreck. We actually mended alot of.wounds or.so.i thought...i thought wrong. Yet i did right by him. We were really tight thru that awful.experience. But did he forgive me for my wrongs like i did to him? No!! I.felt that almost dieing was punishment enough for.sleeping around on me! I was and am.too niaive. I look for the good. Not the bad.

And how dare he act.like this!! How dare he not find forgiveness for me! I.didnt sleep.around. Yes i did have a emotional.affair. But called it off. Yes i have lied alot. So has he. Yes ive broken promises...so has he. So how dare he tear me down everyday. How dare he call me a pillhead. A liar and so.forth...how.dare he accuse me and blame before he knows the facts. He prejudges me day to.day. He waits for me to do anything wrong. Spill a drink..forget something change my mind about grocery shopping...its such stupid accusations too. He accused allycat of.changing.his voicemail code. Or take the notebook he lost..he accused me of loosing it. And now the money!! Its never ending. So if i stay i will have a lifetime of pain. And the way i deal with emotional.pain is thru pills.... And no thank you. Im too far along for a.relapse. Ive came too.far to just start back up. Then id have to live with the guilt and shame again. No thank you. Id rather live with tje shame of a failed marraige. Be free of the drugs and emotional abuse.

[bama88]

Let me rephrase...04 husband was hit head on  06 ibfell off.a.ladder helping him paint. 09 allycat slid playing softball.and poped her hip out of place.  How could he use my drug abuse against me? He is a druggie too!! I think he might even be using. But no.signs. No pinned pupils...no.nodding...so i dont think hes using. I can tell.
I rememebr how i felt for 60 days coming off oxycontin. He was on morphine. Its just as hard to.detox and recover from that as it is from.oxycontin...some say worst.

But i cant leave right now. I have to wait to get over surgery and need money...im.stuck until feb 15. Then ill have money. I dont care if he blames me.for detroying our marraige. Yes i had a sort of an.affair. More emotional. I know thats wrong. But i walked.in on him.in florida. I wanted a devoirce then. But he wanted to visit his family and i went along and.played nice. We were to leave on the 5th of january 04. But he was hit headon while we were here and even though ibwas burt...i stayed.

While i was taking a shower at his moms a steange out of body experience happened to me...i was told by GOD my husband was going to be hurtbb

[bmdad]

Like you said, you may not even need pain meds post up so why ruin your clean time now? Even if you do need them, if you pick up now, you will just need that many more to get pain relief after your surgery. If you pick up now your tolerance could get so high that no amount of pain meds will make a dent in your pain.

You have forgiven yourself for past behaviors which is great. You can't dwell on the past. All you can do is continue to work on the things that can be fixed. Using will only drag you back to the depths of he!! you were previously in. How can you continue to improve yourself daily if you relapse? You know where that will take you and you don't want to go down that road again. Even if you don't plan on taking one, but you refill that script, they will call your name and it will be a matter of time before you take one or ten. How can you continue to work on yourself if you're high? It's not possible. You need a clear mind right now so you are aware of every important decision that you are going to be making.

I'm not making excuses for him but you are both have very vulnerable emotions right now. It's no excuse though. You have to do what you have to do. But maybe, just maybe, once he gets a little more clean time under his belt he will realize who he has become and what he's doing to you. The both of you really need to work as a team now and more than ever. If you sat him down would he listen to everything you have to say? If so you need to let him know how you feel. Let him know how detoxing can mess with your emotions for up to 90 days. Let him know how much he's hurting you emotionally. Would he consider marriage counseling?

You may have already tried all of this. I'm not sure. A successful marriage requires being a team and if he's not on the field than something needs to be done. No matter what happens Bama, you will always have us.

Sorry I couldn't be more help but remember that life has a way of always panning itself out and it will pan out for you too.

[bama88]

Thanks yall. I know i will need the meds again after surgery. Scheduled feb13. But im.dealing with lots of physical.pain. I knew the left one was bad...didnt know how bad is bad..so im on crutches and just waiting to.get my knee fixed. Eventually both knees will work good again. If i can pick up full range from a total knee....i can pick up from.a.scope. Scopes dont.really hurt me anymore. Got used to that pain. Lol. So i might not even need meds for post.op. And my moms.coming down to help. I havent seen my mom in five years...im excited to.see her. Except shes a major alcaholic....but maybe i can keep her buay so she wont drink. I hate alcahol. And i drank!!

I know this seperation will be the best thing for me..i cant get torn down everyday and expect positive outcomes..im sure my husband is hirting too..emotionally and physically. But theres no excuse to tear me down. This life is the only one i will.get. And i want to.find some inner peace. I want to.continue to.grow!! Heck i like hanging ojt with myslef. Yes i have lied stole sneaked cheated didnt pay my bills.. I would buy pills. But im improving myself daily. I have forgiven myself from.the things i.did. I dont need a constant reminder on all my past behaviors. I live with them in my head. Sometimes infeel.so.guilty about what i have done. But im not.doing them. And i am.still treated like a criminal....husband has blamed and accuse me so much the kids do it now. Monkey see monkey do.

If i.continue in this marraige the way it is i will relapse. Plain and simple truth. I will break down and.use to get thru another day week or year. Key phrase...get by. I want to be more than that. He dosent understand what hes doing deep inside of me. Hes hurting me more now that im.sober.  I have real emotions now. I also have logic.

A long.time ago my husband was the best. Mr patient...loving..forgiving...heck he was more positive than me!! But after the wreck allycat got handicapped..i fell and got hurt...we became so overwhelmed and stressed we used our meds to self medicate the trauma.and hurt.  The drugs change our chemicals in our brains...i know he battles everyday. He even had to desolve a working partnership with his business partner who abuses pills pot and whiskey..i told hubby to go out on his own...his partner wouldnt work but wanted his half of.the profit. And the first day my husband went.on his own he found work!! Isnt. God GREAT!! I wont see any of the profits or his sucsess...im.thru with our relationship. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. Yes he called.to appologize. But its not heartfelt. Hes only saying that in hopes i forgive him. I even caught him.in bed with a neighbor once and.forgave him...i dont hold grudges...i forgive to.quick. But i feel different now. I know this isnt a good marraige anymore. I reconize hubby is way behind me in clean time. Hes a month today!! He hit his 30 day mark. I know his emotions are bouncing around out of.control...hes feeling emotions he hasnt in a long time. I also think its possible hes so angry at me for my past he will never let it go. But how can we recover.when he cant forgive? How can you build a home without a solid foundation? What gives him.the right to.kick me.down when hes just as bad? Why do our loved.ones wont or.cant forgive us? They think punishment is what we need. And how dare another addict judge another addict? Wheres the recovery in this?

Has anyone experienced.this with their spouce? Whether their spouce was an.addict.or not. And if youve had experience with this is there any hope?

[bmdad]

Hey Bama.....I'm so sorry for what you have been dealing with. No lady deserves to be treated that way. Is it possible he's been trying to push you over the edge so you will relapse? If you relapse it will give him the green light and that may be what he's after. Another thing that you really need to consider is that if you relapse he may be able to use that as ammo during the divorce. He could make it sound like everything is your fault due to your addiction. He could try and say that you should be the one to move out as you would not be able to keep up on the house payment or rent and bills due to the cost of your addiction.

You have to be clear headed while going through this. Using will only fog your judgement and it will end up nailing you in the end. Don't let his hurtfulness drag you down. You're stronger that that Bama. Thing always have a way of working themselves out. If you get that script refilled it will only bring you down in more ways than one.

We are here for you. You will get through this.

Hang in there.




Brian

[sandstone27]

Hi bama,

I've never posted to one of your threads before, although I've read some of them - more often they were filled with humor and made me smile.

Not today. I'm so sorry about the issues you're having with your husband. You wrote that he doesn't physically abuse you, he just emotionally abuses you.  Emotional abuse, while it may not put you in immediate danger, can be just as devastating to one's overall well being.  I'm glad to read that you have a plan of sorts in place to get out of the situation, if that is what it has come to.

Picking up the pills again is NOT going to help.  If you start using again, it may numb your pain, but it will also add just one more problem to the ones your dealing with now.  Your clean now, and your outlook is clear - don't throw that away because of someone else's bad behavior.  You're worth so much more than that!  You can fight this, you need to fight this, for you and for your daughter.  

Post here every hour if you need to for support.  You know someone is always around and you have alot of friends here that care about you.

Wishing you the best,

Sandy :)

[howlingshadow]

Wow, sounds like its been very bad. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 yrs and the feeling you will get when you get out and on your own and see your making it, is like no other feeling you will ever feel. He told me over and over I would never make it on my own, now I am making much better than he ever will. The feeling of independence and strength you will get,  Its way better than any pill could ever make you feel. You are a survivor and you keep going, you remove the negativity and you will realize you dont miss him at all and that you are better and you are stronger. Yes, there will be a time of healing and crying, but you can make it. You are already stronger than many.

[IwillDoThis]

Bama - I'm new, just got through detox and your story broke my heart this morning.  PLEASE don't relapse.  I know it seems as though your whole life is collapsing right now but what will rise from those ashes?  Forest fires devastate everything in their path but grow back greener and lusher.....I lived with a couple men in my earlier life who emotionally abused me so I know the toll it can take.  Sometimes you get sober and the other person doesn't, or you realize once you are both sober you are not good for each other.  Only you can decide what is right for you but I'm here to tell you I went through a lot of pain in my life and finally found the love of my life, who is so gentle and kind to me - we've been together almost 7 years now.  If  it ain't workin - move up and onward.  STAY STRONG, you can get through this.  Sending big hugs your way!

[charliej41]

U don't need that script don't fill it u can do this I know it the hardest thing u ever have to do but u can do this I relapse 3 time and I feel like **** for doing it just hang in there there people that care here that will try and help but getting back on the pills in not the answer

[Silk2197]

Wow....and I thouht I was having a bad couple of days! Not with sobrity but it seems like I have a very very short fuse with my kids lately and Lord knows I don't wanna be that way. They said I don't even ask how their day went anymore....it was the truth and really made me sad! I even yelled at my kids father who is in MI while we are here and I'm going thru so much! But enough about me....Ithat just the trick of the devil to try to get u to use again bcuz he tried me this morning! I will be praying for you! And you re a very strong woman.....never forget that! DON'T USE!!! IMAGINE HOW HE WOULD USE THAT AGAINST YOU!!!

[bama88]

Oops dumb phone. I forgave him. For everything he did in the past. Yet he cant forget or forgive me? So last night when he went off i brought up his shortcomings. He didnt like that one. Oh no. He always better than me. Perfect where im.a hunk of junk. He waits tobslam.my face in the dirt daily. Hes mean hateful and has his own demons. I prove myself all day at work. I dont need to prove myself at home. Im done for good with him. Cant teach an old dog mew.tricks.