I have relapsed with opiates....feel horrible

[subpop200]

I did something totally different this time.  I was using the pods I was on less (opium plant pods) and switched to heroin about a month ago, while using pods here and there.  I worked my way up to 2-3 bags per day (20 dollars a bag) using them at one dose at night, or two doses within an hour because I felt nothing usually after about an hour.  I was snorting these.  The first time I tried cold turkey, I relapsed because I had the opium pods around.  I didn't get rid of them and after a week I figured I can use them here and there and not get addicted, horrible mistake.  This time, I got rid of the number I use to get the heroin, totally cut off all possibilities to get opium pods so there are none left at home and even took it a step further and got rid of the ultram which I had 20 pills of.  So I took my last dose of heroin (3 bags) on wednesday night, thursday I was fully clean, friday I was clean for half the day and then I started getting out of breath and got horrible anxiety (mind you I'm doing this alone) so I took one 50 mg ultram.  I still feel relatively ok physically.  I took that ultram at about 6 pm and it's now 1:56 am, still no physical symptoms except inability to sleep, a little runny nose, muscle aches that are tolerable, and here is the one I really have trouble with...horrible depression.  I never felt so horribly alone in my life...of course because no one knows that I used and no one knows that I'm withdrawing now as I took a week off to go through withdrawals.  I got rid of all the ultram (flushed it all down the toilet).  So now there is absolutely no turning back.  If I leave the house to even search a new spot for drugs (which knowing me is unlikely because of the high risk of getting caught), I will be questioned and either way, the car is in the shop so I can't even drive so I really have no possibility now.  


I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed.  I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away).  So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom).  So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back.  I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life.  I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to.  If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well.  I even come off happy and totally unshaken.  But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard.  Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable.  I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through.  I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply.  I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep.  I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.  

[subpop200]

That's the thing man, I made a point of that in my recovery.  I know that can happen, the whole over confidence then desire to use just once that's why a big staple in my plan is NOT EVEN ONCE...NOT AN OPTION.  I know to tell myself EVEN ONCE will destroy my whole world that I built from the ground up so trust me, I have that engrained in my head as well constantly and every day.  This is the there is no option back no matter what plan haha.  I'm letting myself get confident but the right kind of confidence.  They always say there is a difference between confidence and cockiness....this is confidence, this is a pact with God that I can't break because just once will break the chains.  So I'm not getting cocky and won't let myself think even once to use again.  This is why I'm doing this with a couple other people too...I admitted I need help from others as well but I still want the freedom to feel as independent as possible.  I have two friends close to me that know that are checking me out every now and then to see for warning signs or search my basement and I still call my counselor constantly.  So I took those precautions too...not to end up the person that says he is confident enough to use just once and it'll all be ok...I know that's another trap, I know damn well so I closed that option off completely that's why this is all built up off principle.  If I break, I'm a hypocrite.  

[BornofOsiris]

Just be careful man dont let your guard down at all costs. I believe it was gizzy he posted a few months ago about some on the lines of "Pink cloud" or something idk someone correct me but its a sense that you have won your addiction and can make you over confident then you think you beat it next thing your saying you can get high once then blam its in your life again. Not trying to be mean or anything at all man just trying to give you a heads up if you didnt know. Good job and staying clean man and way to help out a friend. My old dealer was also inspired by me since we both knew eath other all the way back in high school playing football together now he is clean about 3 months now.

[pensacolafl26]

I agree. you should not be satisfied being a victim, or a survivor, i can only do this in way of being  CONQUERER!

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Day 28.  A test I did to test my will...not really a test because I knew damn well I wouldn't fail.  I'm beyond the point of ever failing again.  My dealer when I was using told me he wanted to quit, he is a man of God and so am I.  He did call even after I threatened him and told me this, that he needs my strength one day and I told him fine one day just not yet.  I stopped by his house today (that day came)...a heroin spot, knowing damn well I wouldn't even think about using as my cravings are easily tolerable and dealt with.  I came over saw him and told him, brother, I am here to give you a message...I gave him the thomas recipe, the enhanced version I have and told him if he needs to stop soon that I will talk him through it and get him talking to my counselor to help him out.  He was surprised to say the least that I actually came through and was even more surprised when he saw how healthy and how much muscle I gained since quitting.  I think it was a good impression on him of what he can be if he stopped.  He's healthy, 36 years old and capable of doing cold turkey so I urged him to and I told him if he is a true believer of God then I'll be happy to play the role of the messenger to help him out of it.  It was an empowering feeling, being there around the corner of where I could get the heroin and knowing beyond damn well that I wouldn't even think for a second of using.  I'm at the point where you can put that stuff in my face and I will slap it off your hands and move on!  This technique was more an enforcement of my strength of will.  So I knew this was no risk on my part as I feel better than I could ever be without using drugs...plus I'm not one of your emotionally beat up typical NA members that tells himself he's still an addict and keeps supporting the mentality of "oh I'm always going to have cravings, deep down inside I'm still an addict"...NO.  If I tell myself I am not an addict I won't be, if I tell myself I am above the cravings I AM, if I use the will of my mind which is the strongest tool in the world....nothing can control me.  I don't believe in that lovey dovey mentality of surrendering to the idea that I have a disease and that I will always have cravings.  I believe in the mentality that if I tell myself every day that I'm not an addict and I have NO OPTION of ever using again, I won't.  Plain and simple.  I believe the earlier mentality of NA which I experienced can cause certain people to relapse.  I know it wouldn't to me but it has to others because they are babied.  I'm not one to be given hugs, or babied, or told that I have a disease....I'm a young 24 year old strong male...what's that going to do to my ego.  So I told the dealer, if he does it my way, he's doing it the hard way but the proud way.  I'm not going to pity him, I'm just going to make sure he feels good about what he's doing and he feels strong for getting through it so maybe it is an easier way.  Hopefully with the thomas recipe and my counselor it will help him.  I pray it does.  

[subpop200]

Woke up for the first time feeling like crap but I think that's just the realization that I have about 8 hours of homework to do tonight, I slept too much, and I have to wake up at 6:30 am for jury duty.  ugh.  Depressing!  It's ok though, I have no cravings or anything.  Just have to force myself to study and then force mysefl to sleep earlier than I usually do haha.  Agh.  Oh well, still and always clean...forever.  

[subpop200]

Pretty sure it's day 27!  Still cleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...and always period.  I love life...I love eating loads of food every day to get myself in bodybuilding shape, I love training, I love being with my girlfriend while not being high and just laughing with her, I love being with my friends and having the best conversations and some of the best laughs, I love laughing!, I love sitting around relaxing and watching movies, I love being free from drugs, I love God, I love my girlfriend's cat, I love feeling energy, strong, and clear headed all the time so I can make wise decisions in my life, I love having my libido back, I love being able to sleep 8-9 hours a night, I looooooove being clean!!!