Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
79998 tn?1291184601

I have relapsed with opiates....feel horrible

I did something totally different this time.  I was using the pods I was on less (opium plant pods) and switched to heroin about a month ago, while using pods here and there.  I worked my way up to 2-3 bags per day (20 dollars a bag) using them at one dose at night, or two doses within an hour because I felt nothing usually after about an hour.  I was snorting these.  The first time I tried cold turkey, I relapsed because I had the opium pods around.  I didn't get rid of them and after a week I figured I can use them here and there and not get addicted, horrible mistake.  This time, I got rid of the number I use to get the heroin, totally cut off all possibilities to get opium pods so there are none left at home and even took it a step further and got rid of the ultram which I had 20 pills of.  So I took my last dose of heroin (3 bags) on wednesday night, thursday I was fully clean, friday I was clean for half the day and then I started getting out of breath and got horrible anxiety (mind you I'm doing this alone) so I took one 50 mg ultram.  I still feel relatively ok physically.  I took that ultram at about 6 pm and it's now 1:56 am, still no physical symptoms except inability to sleep, a little runny nose, muscle aches that are tolerable, and here is the one I really have trouble with...horrible depression.  I never felt so horribly alone in my life...of course because no one knows that I used and no one knows that I'm withdrawing now as I took a week off to go through withdrawals.  I got rid of all the ultram (flushed it all down the toilet).  So now there is absolutely no turning back.  If I leave the house to even search a new spot for drugs (which knowing me is unlikely because of the high risk of getting caught), I will be questioned and either way, the car is in the shop so I can't even drive so I really have no possibility now.  


I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed.  I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away).  So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom).  So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back.  I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life.  I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to.  If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well.  I even come off happy and totally unshaken.  But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard.  Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable.  I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through.  I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply.  I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep.  I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.  
118 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
79998 tn?1291184601
Going to medieval times today with my girl!!  Day 18 hell yea!!
Helpful - 0
79998 tn?1291184601
Strange dreams plague me these days considering that I'm technically still in recovery.  Strange dreams of me getting these bags of heroin that look more like granulated plant matter and I end up snorting them in my dreams or the one I had last night where me and my girlfriend went to the southside of Chicago to score some heroin bags but most dealers would say nothing was available until later in the day.  And my girlfriend is totally straight and has no idea about my use and I plan to keep it that way now that I'm clean especially.  Strange, haunting, disturbing dreams...I know something out there is trying to test me.  I do believe in heaven and hell and I do believe in the devil.  I woke up a little disturbed today considering the dream I had.  Mostly because I wouldn't dare think about using at this point but I still have these dreams.  Anyway, I'm going to keep on with my day and ignore my cravings that just developed in the last few days but I still wouldn't dare touch the drugs.  
Helpful - 0
79998 tn?1291184601
Thanks buddy.  So far I feel more powerful than ever in my whole life but if anything happens I'll holler at you and at anyone else because it does help to talk to someone when I'm feeling like crap.  As strong as I was, I got too many signals...too many coincidences a pact with God that created a pathway with symmetrically placed obstacles that seemed too well placed to be there giving me some sort of clarity that made me almost wonder if what I went through was divine intervention because since the beginning of wanting to quit...things fell into place in ways I would never have expected.  So my pact with God is strong now.  I will beat this and I already feel I have because I'm on day 17 clean and clear and I'm looking better every day.  
Helpful - 0
991895 tn?1259351987
i amright were your at this is horrible i know but we can do it your on this sitr for a reason and that says it all im here to support u i have a baby on the way and that is all the motivation i nedd u can do it im here to talk anytime hang in there
Helpful - 0
79998 tn?1291184601
I wish nothing but incredible progress for you because of your kid.  You have something to fight for that you believe in like I said before.  And the sense of empowerment when your body comes back to normal...the feeling of being off drugs is BETTER than being on them.  You lose yourself being on drugs long enough, you will eventually get lazy like I did, lose interest in things you loved to do like I did, start being too relaxed in life, and your life has suddenly lost meaning, lost achievement, lost effort, and your kid ends up being neglected if you get too deep into the drugs.  Trust me...that's why my relationship had it's problems...it was partially my fault.  I never felt so good mentally and physically and I'm already snapped back to who I was before I used except with ENHANCEMENTS...more positivity, more energy, more motivation to accomplish in life because if you can get through withdrawal and take all the right supplements and exercise, you can conquer the world when your body comes back to normal.  My efforts sped me up into the future.  I'm I think on day 17...see I'm already losing track because the numbers mean nothing to me anymore since I feel better than I ever did before being hooked on heroin and the morphine in the pods...so think about that!   Think about how you will be super woman when you are done and you make sure you keep doing the exercises and supplements that will reboot your brain and make you feel fresh and reborn.  It's a great feeling trust me.  ***** at first...gets better and better to the point where you are almost quite literally reborn.  Talk about empowering...this changed me for the rest of my life.  
Helpful - 0
1116472 tn?1260075052
That's wonderful for you and your girlfriend. Hopefully me and my husband can make it through. Tough though our situation may be a little different. You'r edoing so great, you're one that keeps me motivated/
   thanks
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Social Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.