Aa
I have relapsed with opiates....feel horrible
I did something totally different this time. I was using the pods I was on less (opium plant pods) and switched to heroin about a month ago, while using pods here and there. I worked my way up to 2-3 bags per day (20 dollars a bag) using them at one dose at night, or two doses within an hour because I felt nothing usually after about an hour. I was snorting these. The first time I tried cold turkey, I relapsed because I had the opium pods around. I didn't get rid of them and after a week I figured I can use them here and there and not get addicted, horrible mistake. This time, I got rid of the number I use to get the heroin, totally cut off all possibilities to get opium pods so there are none left at home and even took it a step further and got rid of the ultram which I had 20 pills of. So I took my last dose of heroin (3 bags) on wednesday night, thursday I was fully clean, friday I was clean for half the day and then I started getting out of breath and got horrible anxiety (mind you I'm doing this alone) so I took one 50 mg ultram. I still feel relatively ok physically. I took that ultram at about 6 pm and it's now 1:56 am, still no physical symptoms except inability to sleep, a little runny nose, muscle aches that are tolerable, and here is the one I really have trouble with...horrible depression. I never felt so horribly alone in my life...of course because no one knows that I used and no one knows that I'm withdrawing now as I took a week off to go through withdrawals. I got rid of all the ultram (flushed it all down the toilet). So now there is absolutely no turning back. If I leave the house to even search a new spot for drugs (which knowing me is unlikely because of the high risk of getting caught), I will be questioned and either way, the car is in the shop so I can't even drive so I really have no possibility now.
I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed. I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away). So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom). So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back. I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life. I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to. If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well. I even come off happy and totally unshaken. But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard. Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable. I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through. I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply. I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep. I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.
I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed. I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away). So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom). So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back. I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life. I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to. If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well. I even come off happy and totally unshaken. But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard. Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable. I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through. I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply. I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep. I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.
Already past the 2 week mark and I feel totally recovered in terms of energy and mental quickness! So not just am I positive, I gained my energy and quickness AND sleep back!! It's still day 15 but I had a good wake up and I did my usual exercise and I'm ready for a great thanksgiving with my girlfriend, her mom and my family.
The whole situation with my girlfriend exactly during recovery was definitely another test of life. If I didn't believe in myself and even though expecting the worst if I had even one feeling of considering relapsing, I think karma or God or whatever you want to call it would have had me fail this test. I didn't even think about using drugs again even if I lost the one person I care about most but instead thankful to my mindset, I won her back and now I know where I stand with her...she does love me. Maybe it's karma but I truly do believe that God rewarded me with what I wanted just because I kept my end of the bargain even though i was being dealt with a potentially disastrous situation that would've sunk me into depression. So I couldn't be happier with my life right now and I know I'm out of it. Still talking to counselor and I'm still looking for the right NA meeting so even though i feel great I'm not taking any chances regardless.
The whole situation with my girlfriend exactly during recovery was definitely another test of life. If I didn't believe in myself and even though expecting the worst if I had even one feeling of considering relapsing, I think karma or God or whatever you want to call it would have had me fail this test. I didn't even think about using drugs again even if I lost the one person I care about most but instead thankful to my mindset, I won her back and now I know where I stand with her...she does love me. Maybe it's karma but I truly do believe that God rewarded me with what I wanted just because I kept my end of the bargain even though i was being dealt with a potentially disastrous situation that would've sunk me into depression. So I couldn't be happier with my life right now and I know I'm out of it. Still talking to counselor and I'm still looking for the right NA meeting so even though i feel great I'm not taking any chances regardless.
Long story short...I'm on day 15 and things worked out in my favor and I found out that my girl truly loves me. I tested her and I tested her hard, threatened to break up with her and that opened up a whole new world to her and eventually I realized that she does want me and that I can safely say I will keep on with her. So I don't feel bad anymore. I feel great. I was so energized today. I had a great day and my sleep is coming back well.
I'm on day 14. I'm happy about my recover but I don't think I could be more depressed about considering leaving my girlfriend because of her unproving love...answers like "I think I love you" when I asked her if she was sure she did or not and "what if we're not together a year from now", proved to me so much. I'm going to tell her I can't string along desperately to someone that doesn't truly love me and accept me. Who would think this would happen so early in my recovery. I was fine earlier, proud, and determined...I'm still proud but it's almost impossible to avoid the nostalgia of the memories I had with the woman I still love that I have to leave. I had the best times in my life with her, we both loved wildly...then it just dies in her? It hurts like hell...I can honestly say worse than the withdrawals...nothing compares to losing the one person in your life you care about more than anything in the world but I have no choice as my dignity is on the line. My pride and dignity which can be hurt even worse in the future when my positivity should be going up, I can't just string along and let my positivity slowly deteriorate in the long wrong. This has turned from a drug problem to a love story...who would've thought. But I'm going to tell her tomorrow as if it doesn't affect me that I can't see her anymore because of what she said. I can't show any emotion....it's going to be hard, without a doubt at this point the hardest thing in my life. I'd rather go through withdrawal again and know that she loves me but this is all the more reason for me not to relapse...like I said the combination of despair and drugs turns into a nightmare that no one can return from. I'd rather be lonely now for a little while and recover than lonely forever and die from drugs.
Wish me luck from this unexpected turn at the worst time possible. It all started the first day of withdrawal when she said she needed a break then changed her mind...I was happy about her changing her mind at first...then she slowly revealed herself until yesterday she totally just proved to me that this isn't going to last and I need someone committed. And I did everything a man should do when a woman starts losing it...being colder, less loving, more aggressive, telling her she needs to figure out what she wants from me or else I'm done...nothing seemed to work. You would think if I was threatening to leave she would say she loves me for sure...but that's how I know. I need this forum now more than ever, I need you people. I'm going to have to do ten fold more stuff to get out of this and I will. I have no choice. When a man realizes he deserves better, even if it hurts its time to let go. Ironic that love was what made me so strong through withdrawal...the thought of her and God. That's life for ya. At least here I can show who I really am because I need my vent, my outlet, somewhere, somehow. Good night and God bless all of you.
Wish me luck from this unexpected turn at the worst time possible. It all started the first day of withdrawal when she said she needed a break then changed her mind...I was happy about her changing her mind at first...then she slowly revealed herself until yesterday she totally just proved to me that this isn't going to last and I need someone committed. And I did everything a man should do when a woman starts losing it...being colder, less loving, more aggressive, telling her she needs to figure out what she wants from me or else I'm done...nothing seemed to work. You would think if I was threatening to leave she would say she loves me for sure...but that's how I know. I need this forum now more than ever, I need you people. I'm going to have to do ten fold more stuff to get out of this and I will. I have no choice. When a man realizes he deserves better, even if it hurts its time to let go. Ironic that love was what made me so strong through withdrawal...the thought of her and God. That's life for ya. At least here I can show who I really am because I need my vent, my outlet, somewhere, somehow. Good night and God bless all of you.
If there is anything I learned from what I've been thinking about today it's that...I DON'T NEED ANYONE BUT MYSELF AND GOD TO BEAT THIS. And I'm already past the worst. Day 14, 2 weeks is right around the corner. I'm not living in a dream...I'll just use my imagination to do that because that's what got me about opiates. It expanded my imagination to new levels to the point where I would feel like I'm mentally and spiritually in a different state...UNTIL the habit got too big and started to change who I was as a person and all I wanted to do was dream and escape reality. Only thing I can say about that is, there is nothing stronger than the human imagination and mind...no one needs a drug and I can't wait until the rennaisance fair comes around Chicago next year again because I feel like a damn kid again going there and it's truly relaxing for me. I love fantasy stuff! But I'm not living in a dream no more. And I'm going to get RIPPED again...just give me two months. ;)
Women...they often say men are insensitive when they can be just as harsh and cruel. I'm going to beat this addiction 110% but this just makes it 50% harder knowing that slowly it seems like my girl is slipping away even when I decided to change things around and being more spontaneous and aggressive and being more cold, less loving and being loving only here and there because according to her it means more to her if it's seldom. Well, seemed to be working and we had a great time yesterday as usual but then she pulled a you're an idiot on me cause of something simple I did stupid and I got mad at her and told her I refuse to be pushed around and taken for granted and that this kind of behavior is part of it...and she's like I know I know I'm so sorry but it's hard for me when someone gets close I have this urge to push them away. And according to a professional, I found out that girls that weren't given that much love and were raised with no father have trouble loving men and push away and get alienated when they get close to someone. So difficult and I was ok with that...I accepted it because I know her background and today I told her **** one year from now I want to go on an awesome vacation super expensive just me and you, and she's like I DON'T KNOW IF WE'LL BE TOGETHER THEN, I'M JUST BEING REALISTIC WHAT IF I CAN'T CONTROL MY BEHAVIOR. I'm like THANKS FOR HAVING FAITH IN US, THAT'S WHY I'M SLOWLY ACCEPTING THAT THIS ISN'T REAL LOVE. And to think, she was one of my biggest inspirations to quit and even when I was using I was endlessly helpful, caring, keeping my game up, loving her the way she wanted because I wanted to love her back and she used to say stuff like, don't ever leave me...would you marry me one day?
I'm at a point of despising right now...I told her never to say that again because it gets a persons hopes up and that she needs to learn what true love is. So now, despite doing everything right, even taking her best friend's advice because she thinks I'm a great guy, her past issues are erupting so heavily it seems like its going to be impossible because she isn't strong enough to change. I don't know what the **** to do but boy does this hurt my recovery in a way that is messing with my positivity bad. BUT NO DON'T GET ME WRONG I'M NOT GOING TO RELAPSE. I have selfesteem way too high for that...which is why I told her I'm not letting her take me down the path of desperation. I want to love her but I won't if she won't give me the respect I deserve. I really really want to love her because I accept her for who she is but now it seems like she's not accepting me for the good qualities I have and things are starting to change exactly when I thought things were getting better. And to think just two months ago she was talking about how she never wants me to leave her and how much she loves me.....it hurts and I need a vent so this is my vent as personal as this seems. I'm not going to let it make me relapse because i know how sorrow and drugs work together, they speed up addiction so fast that you get lost forever in a world of lost dreams. I know how dangerous that is. But I just wish she would open her f-in eyes and realize that if she loses me...I promise her she won't have someone love her like I do ever again. I'm not showing her any of my vulnerability right now because I know that messes things up even further, I'm just giving her the cold shoulder, maybe she'll realize what she has to lose before I decide to drop her as much as I don't want to and as much as I love her company and her seemingly compassionate and sweet face...it's all a front as of late and I'm not going to show her any affection until she earns it at this point. I'm not giving up but if she gives up...I WILL. I'm so angry right now mixed with a sense of despair but thankfully with God on my side, I'm not even close to thinking about using again. Maybe some advice would be nice.
I'm at a point of despising right now...I told her never to say that again because it gets a persons hopes up and that she needs to learn what true love is. So now, despite doing everything right, even taking her best friend's advice because she thinks I'm a great guy, her past issues are erupting so heavily it seems like its going to be impossible because she isn't strong enough to change. I don't know what the **** to do but boy does this hurt my recovery in a way that is messing with my positivity bad. BUT NO DON'T GET ME WRONG I'M NOT GOING TO RELAPSE. I have selfesteem way too high for that...which is why I told her I'm not letting her take me down the path of desperation. I want to love her but I won't if she won't give me the respect I deserve. I really really want to love her because I accept her for who she is but now it seems like she's not accepting me for the good qualities I have and things are starting to change exactly when I thought things were getting better. And to think just two months ago she was talking about how she never wants me to leave her and how much she loves me.....it hurts and I need a vent so this is my vent as personal as this seems. I'm not going to let it make me relapse because i know how sorrow and drugs work together, they speed up addiction so fast that you get lost forever in a world of lost dreams. I know how dangerous that is. But I just wish she would open her f-in eyes and realize that if she loses me...I promise her she won't have someone love her like I do ever again. I'm not showing her any of my vulnerability right now because I know that messes things up even further, I'm just giving her the cold shoulder, maybe she'll realize what she has to lose before I decide to drop her as much as I don't want to and as much as I love her company and her seemingly compassionate and sweet face...it's all a front as of late and I'm not going to show her any affection until she earns it at this point. I'm not giving up but if she gives up...I WILL. I'm so angry right now mixed with a sense of despair but thankfully with God on my side, I'm not even close to thinking about using again. Maybe some advice would be nice.
Day 13: Not the best day but there is good reason for that. I just had my flu shot, not the swine flu yet, not until next week since my doctor wants to be on the safe side. He said my body went through so much and my blood pressure is still high so I must give my body some more time to get healthy to get another flu shot, he said one is enough but it's got me lethargic, sore, and getting some chills. So I'm just going to try to rest a bit since clearly my body is still recovering but regardless recovering fast. Most of the symptoms I got after withdrawal were from a cold, tamiflu, and now the flu shot so I know it's not anything more than a bug. Anyway, my blood pressure is still high but I think that could be due to the fact that when the nurse checked my blood pressure on my left arm, it was bruised because I was rough housing with my girlfriend haha and I fell and bruised my bicep. Plus, when I quit opiates I also quit cigarettes so that could be another reason why I may still have high blood pressure. These symptoms are why my doctor was cautious about giving me swine flu and regular flu shots all at the same time. But besides all that, I'm still and always positive despite being a big lethargic today.
I also took 5 days off the anti-anxiety meds I believe...I found some more from an old prescription just like 7 left with no refills so instead of getting 5-6 hours max of sleep with waking up all the time, I finally got a full almost 8 hours without waking up!! To my surprise this got me groggy when I woke up but still...I NEED the sleep to recover so I'm going to take the xanax for another few days since I took a break and need to get some sleep to recover and make my body strong. So all in all, good sleep, some lethargy from flu shots and probably xanax, but my body is looking better all the time...healthier and I'm still working out every day. I just did some work out this morning before I went to the doctor so that might also explain the blood pressure along with tapering down the clonidine to half a .1 mg tablet which could cause rebound hypertension so this is no surprise to me or my doctor but he wants to make sure once I'm off the clonidine tomorrow since it's my last dose left, must check how my blood pressure is in ten days after not having that anymore. Hopefully it will be better because I can't risk getting sick again with a bug or virus. I can still technically get swine flu so I have to be extra careful as my immune system is rebuilding after that withdrawal I went through.
I also took 5 days off the anti-anxiety meds I believe...I found some more from an old prescription just like 7 left with no refills so instead of getting 5-6 hours max of sleep with waking up all the time, I finally got a full almost 8 hours without waking up!! To my surprise this got me groggy when I woke up but still...I NEED the sleep to recover so I'm going to take the xanax for another few days since I took a break and need to get some sleep to recover and make my body strong. So all in all, good sleep, some lethargy from flu shots and probably xanax, but my body is looking better all the time...healthier and I'm still working out every day. I just did some work out this morning before I went to the doctor so that might also explain the blood pressure along with tapering down the clonidine to half a .1 mg tablet which could cause rebound hypertension so this is no surprise to me or my doctor but he wants to make sure once I'm off the clonidine tomorrow since it's my last dose left, must check how my blood pressure is in ten days after not having that anymore. Hopefully it will be better because I can't risk getting sick again with a bug or virus. I can still technically get swine flu so I have to be extra careful as my immune system is rebuilding after that withdrawal I went through.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Social Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
