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Avatar universal

wife left/worried

Not sure its a question but here goes....
I came to this web site three years ago with a terrible hydrocodone addiction, and after 12 long days of withdrawls, and working hard at it, I am 3 years clean. I have been happily married for twenty years (last month), and I did say happily!
I came home from work yesterday, and she was gone. All of her stuff and about $90,000 from our savings account.
I am devistated. We never argued, fought, nothing. We had made love the night before, and discussed vacation plans in the hot tub that morning. Now shes gone! Turned off her phone and just gone.....
I am concerned about my sobriety. Went to a meeting this morning, and I think it helped.
I'm not sure if I just want to know "why", or if something else is going on....
Everyone here has always had my back, and I credit them every day for saving my life 3 years ago.....
Please help me..................
177 Responses
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8976007 tn?1413330650
so sorry to read you are still in so much pain.  
to answer all your questions of 'what is the point' 'why bother going on' etc
the answer to that is YOUR DAUGHTER.  she loves her dad and is hurting so bad because of all of this.  you have to be strong for her.  she doesn't deserve another loss.  :(
wish i could take some of your pain away.  been there and done that and realized what i thought was real never existed.  it was all in my head, because that man i married would have never done what he did.
you do get over it.  i promise you that.  believe it or not, you will love again.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dear Secret Agent Man-

I've kept up here but haven't written...you were in such good hands. (When was the last time you had so much female attention?? haha).   You're still struggling and you will for awhile; it takes time and especially in your case where you were so sucker punched!

So...she was doing "things" behind your back?  Jesus!  What she did to you was just heartless. She's a sociopath!  And in time this will work in your favor when you realize how lucky you are to be rid of her.  

In the mean time...it's time and distraction and living through this ugly time. There's just no easy way through it and that's hard. Do you have any family there?   I think you said "no" but I'm not sure...what about friends; buddies?
Do you do anything physical? Go to the gym?  I won't lecture but the difference a workout makes you feel is unbelievable...

So, I just wanted to check in with you. Have a nice evening~
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Glen-

I am here buddy...Any time.  Is it weird that I wish I were flying to Iraq right now?  I know it won't work, but somehow I feel a departure from my current surroundings would help me cope.  I am a rat in a maze.  Waiting for the phone to ring, for the pain to lessen, for the heat wave to break, for me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
See you're not the ONLY whiner (wink wink nudge nudge)
I think you have a lot to offer the world.
I'm glad you're getting some clarity and feeling less crazy.
If it's any consolation- crazy people (good crazy like you) are my FAVOURITE kind of people.  You can't live in this life and be present and NOT be a little bit crazy.
Just don't hold it in.  You aren't superman....Or are you??

Safe travels my friend.  Hit me up with a PM any time.
Hugs and love....
Lu
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1656987798
Hi glen I am so happy to hear you are doing better. That you are learning to accept that she is never coming back.
All along it was obvious there was something going on with her that you did not see or know. Love can blind us.
It is good to know that her activities and her secrets are being exposed.
I hope this makes you feel better knowing it wasn't about you.
You sound so much better and have a resolve. This makes me glad.
Keep on reading. get lost in books.
it's great to know that you are still traversing the world batman Lol to keep us safe.
Much love, debbie
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am back in town again.
I am doing a little better.
Nursegirl, thanks for being there! I am very grateful for you.
Still haven't found  a therapist, and not much to update from the lawyers.
I am glad you got a chuckle from the "ground hog" reference
Lulu, YOU are one special lady, and I am sorry you are dealing with so much pain and uncertainty. To take the time to see what I am" whining about" lately is amazing.
I am going to try and take your advice to heart. When I was dealing with my addiction, I did post on others threads, offering what little advice I had. During my latest "tragedy" I've been so broken that I just didn't feel anyone needed advice or encouragement from a "crazy person"! Maybe now I should start....cause I'm only slightly crazy...lol
You are also right about the acceptance phase. Pretty sure that's where I am right now. I KNOW she's not coming back, and the more I learn about what she was doing over the past year at least, I don't want her back.
I read extensively, from crappy zombie novels, to historicals, and everything in between.
I just finished a book by the Dalai Lama, Beyond Religion: Ethics for a Whole World. Books are my only saving grace when "the dreaded nights come".
I am indeed "picking up on what you're putting down" thank you for caring....
And while I am so sorry for YOUR problems with sleeping, I think I'll take you up on the offer to chat late nights..
I leave for Iraq for 2 weeks on Sunday, but hope I can talk with you before I leave...I cannot tell you how much your words mean to me..
                                                                              Glen
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Fin sorry I haven't checked in for awhile.  This thread is getting VERY long (:

I am sorry to hear you are still struggling so much, but really it is to be expected.  You don't get over a 20 year marriage in 35 days.  It's a grieving process.  You very much need to get to a place where you can process this with support of others.
Can I make a small suggestion?  Why don't you try coming back to the forum and posting on others threads.  This is helping me tremendously right now because I am SUFFERING.  It helps me to know I am not alone in my suffering by reaching out to others that are suffering.  You realize that suffering is not just a YOU thing it's a WE thing.  I learn a lot about myself and my process in healing by reading and posting and reaching out.

So the nights suck for me too.  My lover falls asleep and I am in pain and worrying worrying worrying about what is happening in my body.  Worrying that now my surgeon is out of country and I don't know when she'll return and it is only her that can help end my suffering.  So I come on here, I read, I post, I support and get support in return.

Try it- man try anything.
I wish I could take your suffering from you.  Maybe you need to just surrender to it and flow with it.  I feel like you're a little stuck right now and you need to do whatever it takes to un-stick yourself.

I believe you are about to get to the stage which is acceptance.  It's a tough one.
Just know that as NurseGirl said- we are all here rooting for you.  We are all invested in your journey and want the very best for you.
Another thing that helps me is making a gratitude list.  Writing down all the things that I am thankful for.  Also, focusing on the things I CAN do to make myself feel better (spending time in nature, reading a good book, hanging out with friends and just talking) instead of focusing on the things I have no control over like getting my surgeon back in the country to operate on me.
You pickin' up what I'm putting down?
I wish I had more to offer you.  
Just know that I'm here and if you ever want to chat late night PM me.  I rarely sleep.
xoxoxoxox
Lu
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Dear man, you're on "auto pilot", and that's okay!!!  You're just "existing" for now, which is to be expected.  That will get better.  It's probably a huge blessing that you're a pretty busy guy with not a ton of idle time.  Looking for a new therapist is a great idea too.....that WILL help you, believe me!

The ground hog day comparison is very on point!  It kind of gave me a little chuckle, and that's not because any of this is funny, it sure isn't.

Let us know what you find out from the lawyers and YES, definitely keep posting!  We're all invested now, Fin!  SORRY, but you're STUCK with us!

XOXO
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Back home again. Whatever "home" is...
I have a few days before traveling again.
Not sure what to do. Meeting with lawyers today, so theres that...
Trying to find a new therapist, really need someone to talk to.
Still not sleeping, but have passed out from exhaustion...does that count?
It feels like I'm living "ground hog day"....
I am okay during the day, but have I mentioned the nights suck? lol
not sure why I keep posting, but it feels right anyway....
                                                                      ME
Helpful - 0
1827057 tn?1397520277
Man I feel so sorry for you dude. Hang in there ok. Just try to take it a day at a time. I know these feelings and I know they can wear on you and wear you down to the point where it really doesn't seem to matter if we do something bad to ourselves or not. Just please don't do anything to make it worse. Just keep going and you will feel better one day. I promise you that. I have been reading this from the beginning but for some reason have withheld comment. I think about you often and hope you are ok though. Just keep going buddy. I know it suks  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
At work, traveling again today.
Ive had zero sleep for days...not sure how much longer I can go on like this.
Any ideas on how I can get some sleep?
My baby has gone back to school... I'm missing her so much!
It'll be at least a month before I see her again...
Thirty five days since this all began... can you believe I still look out the window when I hear a car go by thinking it's her coming back?
Pretty pathetic huh? I hurt so deep...how does this get better?
I want to go to her, beg her to come back... in my mind I know it won't happen, but my heart refuses to accept it.
How do I stop Loving her?
Just want it to stop...
Sorry, I sound like a broken record... I'm a broken man
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Sending you love and strength.

You're on an emotional roller coaster with a lot of ups and downs.  I'm glad you're posting in those moments, when you need to vent, spew, verbally vomit...whatever!!!  You need to do those things.  

I know it seems impossible, but it won't always feel this bad.  I promise.  XOXO
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I hate the night... its endless...
its heartless, its cruel...
It drags out all your memories and punches you in the gut...
It has no conscience, it has no sympathy...
It revels in your pain, it mocks you...
It reminds you how alone you really are...
It used to be the most special time of day.
I use to wrap my arms around her, and spoon her. I would tell her how every problem in the world would disappear
at that moment. I would actually draw strength from her and it felt like I had been recharged...
We would lie like that till we fell asleep, talking about our day, our hopes and our fears.
So big and tough...I would tell ALL MY FEARS... I thought she told me hers.
I'll never know comfort in her arms again.  Exactly what's the point now?
Keep going, one step, wont remember in a year, everything happens for a reason, you should be angry, its for the best, its not your fault, fake it till, you'll find love again, blah, blah, blah, blah...........
REALLY???
ITS ALL BULL****
I hate the night...
I FUC**** HATE THE NIGHT
I HATE ME TOO
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
You continue just by continuing.  When you feel like you can't hang on for one more minute, just hang on.  (Gawd I sound like REM (:)  But it's true.  Glen you must must must get some help here.
I am very concerned.
You are very fragile.
You are very hurt.
You are very lost.
Of course you are.  I would be too.  But it is up to you what you do about it.  Please stop isolating and obsessing.  It is the worst thing that you can possibly do.
You gotta get out there and do whatever you can to get through this.  And you WILL get through this.  I pinky promised remember?
You are human and you are hurting.  Get some love man.  You deserve it.

Now.

Hugs buddy- I'm here and I'm sending all the love and positive vibes that I can.
Lu
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Struggling to try and find a reason to go on today...
everything I do reminds me off her...
Im not sure how to continue,  not sure I want to
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1656987798
Aww Glen hell I hate her for leaving you too. It's incredible how two people who are married for so long can see things so differently.
I am sorry you feel so isolated at home and in work. I know from our conversations how your job is.
Please don't worry about how your posts sound. We all say things we
Regret at one point or another.
You are living a much different life, not by your choice.
It is absolutely understandable that you are sad, mad, lonely,
and then other times not even sure of your feelings. Wanting to spend
Time with someone.
I am proud of you. You have been clean for three years and are secure
In that. That is a wonderful thing.
Enjoy your time with Rachel. It is ok if you are sad and cry when she is there.
Showing your emotions to her is a good thing. She knows what your family means to you. She knows you love her mom. Yes you will always love her. I get that.
You are a great man Glen. I pray for your comfort, peace and healing.
Much love and hugs, debbie
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal

Jinx,
You must have a huge heart! Thank you for continuing to care.
I got back yesterday, and my daughter came down this afternoon.
She's here till Monday. I Love her so much! We sat outside all day and just watched the ocean. Took a long walk, talked about her future. Steamed some crab/lobster...ate way too much, lol...watched the fireworks. (Still going off)
Then, for no reason,  I excused myself, and went into the bathroom, turned off the lights, sat in the corner,  and cried for an hour...
I feel so helpless, out of control...there's that word again.
I HATE her for leaving me. I HATE her for breaking my heart. I hate her for ripping my family apart. And, I'll never love anyone like her ever again...
I Love her and miss her so much. Im truly broken.
I made my last post just prior to a very tense business trip. I read it when I got back.  I don't even know who that was! I sounded like an arrogant a-hole.
I wasn't even going to post again. Im embarrassed. I was trying to explain how isolated I was, how normal help wasnt so accessible. Instead I sounded like someone id like to smack. Im very sorry...
I honestly cant see feeling different in a year or ten years...
A PART of me is missing. How does that get better?
Who does that to someone who's loved, provided, protected them for twenty years?
I am so tired of hurting...wish it would just end.

Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
just checking in on you.  hope you are having a nice holiday.  cannot recall if your daughter was planning on spending this day with you or not.  hope so.
not trying to nag on you at all about relationships or anything else.  i hope you do not feel like i am.  you are a grown man and if spending time with a beautiful woman is what you want to do then more power to ya.  
i think everyone here felt for you and your pain was palatable.  hard to see anyone going through that and not try and offer any help we can.  
wish everyone here lived close enough to hang out with you for a weekend to lift your spirits.  i am here via the net though and do care and think about you often.  
i can imagine you feel like a fish out of water and have to adjust to even the simple things in life..  try to not think too far into the future and get through one day at a time.  
soon a year will have passed and you will not know how you did it.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
How are you doing love?  Looking for an update...you've been in my thoughts!

XOXO
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey all,
thanks for all the posts and concern.
Look, I get what you are saying about counseling, relationships and the alcohol.
I am kinda unique. I can't explain everything. Counseling/meetings three times a week, or even once a week won't work for me. Right now I am on a plane for Moscow.
I'll be there a few days and then home for a day or two. THEN, off to some other God-forsaken place. I don't live a "normal" life.
As for my "date", I have no intention of starting a relationship. I was very up front about what was happening in my life, and she understood completely.
I AM LONELY THOUGH! Everything I do is alone. Isolation is what is required of me 99% of the time. If I have an opportunity to spend the evening with a beautiful, interesting woman, I"m going to.
LOL, No, I'm no James Bond Lulu, but I DO enjoy the company of women. I have always gotten along better with females.
I am just trying to explain my actions, not trying to be a jerk, or act like I know better than everyone else. I do get it.....
Jinx, I am not really concerned about a PI following me, because I am doing nothing wrong, and my attorney is aware. If she is banking on me relapsing, she's in for a long wait!
I am just putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes really tiny steps....
I'm not sure really what else I can do....
I LOVE YOU ALL!
                                                  Me
Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
keep posting so we know you are doing okay.  there is no handbook on how to handle this sort of betrayal, but i do agree with everyone else who warns about getting into a relationship at this stage.  just like women have to worry about a man taking advantage of her during a vulnerable stage, you have to worry about the same.  have fun, just be careful.  besides you never know if a PI is following you 24/7.  wouldn't be surprised if there was because she has got to find something to base her horrible actions on besides the excuse she gave your daughter.  she is banking on you relapsing and it is so great that you have not done that.  hang in there, you have TONS of support
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Ps.  Okay I get you're not Batman.
You're James Bond right?

I KNEW IT!!!!
xoxoxoxxo
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Hey Fin-

I'm with Nursegirl on all of the above.  You have to be VERY careful right now...I think you're still in shock and this is why stepping up the support is VERY important.  I'm glad you aren't isolating but hey, what's happening with the counselling thing?
I don't want to lecture you or anything but as I mentioned, I'm bossy, and you NEED to do some counselling.  I know the whole disconnect thing all to well and it is a warning sign.  Please get your buns to counselling or a meeting before you do find yourself drowning your sorrows in a bottle or in the arms of a hot blonde (or brunette, or red head)  I can tell from my intuition about you that neither of these things will make you feel better and will actually be very detrimental.  You need to take care of your fragile emotional state and work through your grief stages in a healthy way.
It ain't easy dude and I feel for you.  Heartbreak is the worst.
I promise you will find YOU again.  But you gotta start looking in the right places.
I pinky swore promised and I meant it.
Time and patience my friend, time and patience.
And counselling.
And meetings.
Okay- Lu Lecture over.
Sending love and hugs from Canada
Lu
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
It's not nonsense!  It's good for you to talk this stuff through!

I'm glad you're out socializing, but you've got me worried, for a few reasons.  One, the alcohol.  You may absolutely be okay drinking one or two, but it's risky.  Two, enjoying the company of a beautiful woman is awesome, just be sure to keep things causal for now.  The last thing you want to do is to get involved with someone during this time of turmoil.  It wouldn't be fair to you or to the woman.  It's easy to want to comfort yourself in the arms of someone else, but you have a lot to work through emotionally, you know?

It sounds like you're being cautious in that regard, which is great...I just wanted to mention my concerns.  I had such a strong urge last night about you, it was odd.  

We're here for you sweetie.  Hang in there!!!  XOXO
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks you guys for keeping tabs on me. I am about the same.
I stay busy, but its so surreal. It doesnt feel real. It feels like everything I do is acting. That its not me doing it, or saying it. I go out and see friends and half way thru a conversation I wonder what the hell I'm talking about. I HATE just "going thru the motions". Make it stop already............
Nursegirl, well you were kinda right, I was in a few bars last night. I took a "date" down to Clematis at Night. Kinda like a tamer Bourbon Street. Great clubs and restaurants, bands, piano bars, comedy clubs..blah,blah,blah..
Just people watching is great. Its very trendy, kinda hipster nerd kinda thing.
We ate and watched a few bands, there was my lame attempt at dancing,
STOP LAUGHING!
The street is long and goes right up to the inter-coastal waterway so we walked and talked, and laughed at the attire choices of the trendy..
I had just met her at a conference I was at, and she was beautiful, and engaging, and enjoying my company....and I wanted to be ANYWHERE else but THERE. She even wanted to come home with me, and I told her I had a flight in the morning and couldn't...
I feel like an empty egg shell. I'm so hollow.
Lulu, its hard for me to see a future. I seem to have a "don't give a damn" attitude at work, where I used to be very careful and think about my wife and daughter before I tried something stupid.... THIS does have me worried.
I had 2 cocktails last night, over about seven hours. I have always had the occasional cocktail when out with friends. And it hasn't escalated. I dont enjoy drinking that much, and couldn't "drown my sorrows" in a bottle if I wanted to.
I have NO IDEA where I'm going with this post....
I almost deleted it....sorry for the nonsense....
Helpful - 0
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