A question & a story

[angelo415]

I' m really thankfull for this place you have helped me greatly. I'm a non stereo typical gay male and I started this nightmare about 13 years ago. I had fallen down a flight of concrete stairs and went to the hospital. After that visit I went to a doctor specializing in sports medicine. Until the day I don't understand what that is. Well any how I had various MRIs done went to all kinds of doctors that was loads of fun. I had really messed up my back doing stupid garbage as a kid. Lifting heavy objects and that sort of thing, without thinking of what might happen. I have had migraines since I can remember and that was one of the issued as well so again to the many, many doctors. After maybe two months into the doctor/patient thing and many visits to many different doctors from accidents that I have had. Dang come to think about it I don't know how I'm standing here today. So anyhow she prescribed vicodin and various other drugs, I can't remember what they were . But they made me stupid so I stopped them I wish I would have done the same with vicodin but then there wouldn't be a story to tell.  It started a small bottle .....you know the drill take 1 to 2 tablets by mouth every 4 to 6 hours if needed for pain. Well this 25 or so prescription graduated to 60 Hydrocodon 5-500 a week, until 4 years ago when she downed the amount to 56 and there it stayed until about 1 1/2 weeks ago. I do not have an addictive personality, I hate loosing control of myself that is one main reason I never got into drugs when I was a kid. And as I saw the whole thing with this situation I had no need for worry, a doctor was giving me this for my better. My thought of what an addict is was a homeless person sitting in the street all messed up and dirty. This was not my road and a doctor would never put me in harms way. So I began taking this garbage (Vicodin)  I'm not completely sure what the time lapse was as to when I started taking all eight at once before bed instead of the 2 every 2 hrs. But I did and down that road I went, I had a boyfriend that was into the vicodin thing but his deal was completely for fun. Well he began stealing my vicodin and I found myself in a corner in San Francisco buying the amount he stole. I never went beyond the amount prescribed but none the less I was in what they refer to as the "pill corner" in one of San Francisco worst areas.  This was so a wake up call if nothing else. I'm the kind of person that when crap happens I sit and think and think and think about it. I completely dissect what ever happens to be the problem I really acquaint myself with it and figure out how to fix it. I came to the conclusion that without doubt I had a problem..."really"... and it was made up of a physical, emotional and psychological need, three different addictions to the same thing. This realization happened about eight years ago, four years later I had dissolved the emotional and psychological need but the physical need was not an easy deal in the slightest. That boyfriend had gone curbside by then and on this particular night I was having a small diner party. One of the boys there asked to use the restroom I told him to use the one in my bedroom because the guest bathroom was not working. so he went up and came down. At the end of the night we all said our good byes and I went to my room for bed and all that. I opened up the pill dispenser and there were 4 pills missing of course no one else would have taken them so I called him telling him why would you do this I have a real situation and need those pills for pain, not for fun. He just denied the theft and I went into overdrive. I really didn't want to go to the city and well I didn't go, I knew I was much more that all that so I just took 4 instead of my every night 8. Well that wasn't so difficult so I decided to stop and went without to the third day when I met true pain.  Then and there I understood the garbage I had gotten myself into not just the intellectual aspect of it but the true meaning of what I had become in all it's glory.  I was an addict, I was so pissed of at that doctor but knew I had to rid myself of this addiction but it had to be on my time. On one of the yearly visits to this doctor she began telling me that it would be best for me to go to a clinic. I didn't quite understand this until recently she didn't want the responsibility she was trying to pawn me of.....the putana.
See I had a heart attack when I was 37 maybe about 3 years into the vicodin thing. Now I know vicodin is  not really an ideal drug to take not only because addiction is almost certain, but also if you have a history of heart problems in your family taking vicodin is a major no.....well as to what I have read anyhow. Ta keep in track wit  this story she wanted to see me so I went this appointment which was on the 13 of this month (March 2012). She began by telling me why are you still having the prescriptions sent to me for refills I though you where going to a clinic. At that point I let her have it, it's not that I started yelling or nothing to that extreme although honestly I really wanted to tell her to take a flying leap off a really tall building. But instead I kept my cool and told her she was major league messed up putana....but in a nice way. She then told me I had a problem with Vicodin.......huh?.......no really.  So she wanted to winn me of the Vic. her thought was subtracting one pill a day per week so every week it would be seven less. Yeah ......right .....I can't do that long time thing so after leaving her office she started her count down but I did it like this. On Tues. the 13th the night of the appointment I still had three days before my refill so I broke all the pills in half and took 4 pills which looked like 8 since I had broken them in half, I stayed with that 3 days then went down to 2 pills and four days after that I stopped it all. The sliding scale wasn't so bad but three days after I stopped it all the restlessness began, the cold sweats, the anxiety, stomach cramps you know the works. So today the thing that is the most distressing is the creepy crawly thing and restlessness and I can feel myself go from way happy to pissed off in seconds or sad. But I am clear I don't see things through a veil as it seemed. I want to do things want to live outside of the dam house I am so very proud of myself.. But through all this I would so love to know more or less how long will the restless arm and leg thing go on for. I have been seeing that people say it all depends on the amount of time you used. Would be great to have more of a specific idea although I well know it varies from person to person. God it would be nice to make suit against these doctors that so easily prescribe this dark angel, this crap I see so many kids into this crap. Try to tell them but in company kids don't listen, but my nephews are a different story. My line is you'll listen, you'll ask questions until you really understand what drugs are, how they can come to own you, how you can loose "you", inside a small pill or whatever else you might be looking at. All in heart to everyone that is going through this garbage, we all come out better through this nightmare, don't give up !!!

[minn66]

But now you are here and if you want to stop we will be here for you to talk to and offer support. We have all made choices we regret. I understand you are angry. None of us wants that type of life. You can change this. It is good that you get your frustration out and use that to decide you will free yourself.

Peace and blessings,

Minn

[angelo415]

Everyone has a part in this world, you can't escape that no mattter how much you try. She opened the door and I walked through from that point it was all on me but would never of walked through had i know the consequence. Never had taken any drugs of any kind other than smoking pot in High School once or twice and absollutely hating it. There's no fun when you smoke and you can't stop trying to regain control of yourself it's all about being able to just chill and enjoy. but I couldn't, can't do that I like to be in complete control of "me" in every way. So this is what saved me from drugs my love for living life, you can't do life all spaced and stupid there would't be much to remember. So when i started this nightmare I really had a incorrect view on what an addict is and how she or he might get to be. This was never going to be me because of what I thought an addict represented. You know someone in a street corner all dirty and withered from drugs. How was I ever going to get there with such and opposicion to drugs. Not that i had problems with my friends that chose to go down that path but for myself no, But in time god I couldn't stand the people they became and eventually after High School I stopped hanging out with them. But I well know after the intro it was al on me....but I also know I sure as all hell didn't need that dang intro.  Would of rathered a month worth of lattes or something.....

[angelo415]

Everyone in this planet is composed diffrently not what works for the goose will work for the gander. No matter how many people I would have yelling in my ear there was no way I was going to eliminate this unless I got to understand everything there was to know about it. And I don't mean the composicion of vicodin and all that noise. I mean what it meant to me in every level. Once I had done that I had to take those walls down one by one and that's exactly what i did. When I went to her office i went because she wanted me to go since she thought I was going to the clinic instead of her after our last talk but I told her I was not going to go to a clinic. So the last visit  was to tell her i had an addiction which i did and she got on the defensive. Was to tell her how i was needin to do this and she was just all about how she was going to do it. Like I said everyone is diffrent and can quit, but each in their own way . Such as maybe cutting the pills into two instead of eight go down to four but since they're cut in two it seems like your taking eight. Everyone developes their own method for doing the things we must do. We can take particulars from each individual way of doing things but ultimatly we go through it in as a unique way as the unique people we are. So after 13 years i pretty much stopped al together in a week and still dealing with the creepy crawly stuff and all that. It's funny how people write me as if though I'm gonna jump of the GG bridge just because i wrote my story. Man i love my life way to much exageratedly much. That's maybe why it's such a pisser to think how much I threw away. I had lost ability to smell to taste my skin had gotten way aged and the likes. We all make mistakes but when a mistke effects someone else other than yourself, they tend to be more complicated than just "woops i made a mistake". One must take responsibility for them as your not neccesarily the one directly in front of the oncoming train....

[angelo415]

No I blame both of us....she needs to take responsibility for her part as I mine. The fact that she knew I have heart desease in my family would of been a  heart attack which I could have prevented at 32.. I didn't like the tone in the slightest make it as if it were on me and only me. I Took the dang thing but would have never taken them had I known what was at stake. For me it was all about trust, she is was the doc there was no way she would steer me wrong. Years later she suggested I have an emergency kit with demorol this kit was to have a seringe and a small bottle of demoroI at least then I was smart enough to tell her ....no I'm not gonna graduate. I realized I had a problem and new I had major work to do. I didn't go beyond the amount she gave me but had to rid myself of the emocional want the psycological want and the physical want. took down two of those but the physical was way harder but know I'm clear of all that. But wasn't anything she did or suggested was all me and my family and friends. you don't play the blame game in these situations and she made me feel like garbage. So I got pissed i went to her for help and told her of my want to stop because I realized I had a problem because I needed help. I don't like never have liked anything that altered my vision of  life but I got there anyhow. But when someone askes for help it's not about covering your back or feeling responsible and turning your back right. I lost thirteen years of my life to this crap and it's not like I went looking for it of course I'm not in any way happy with her. I have the fortitude to say stop and I do it might take me a moment but I'll do it no looking back but I think of all the youngsters that she might be inlisting to go this road and think how very messed up that is....

[minn66]

Welcome to the forum. One thing we have to do to heal is accept responsibility for our actions. We can't blame others for our decisions. Having said that, I believe you want help and have come to the right place. Just stay focused on your goal of being opiate-free. Everyone is different, so it is hard to say when it will get better. Hang in there, because it does get better.

I hope you keep posting.

God bless,

Minn

[Bkitty]

Hi and Welcome! The anxiety and restlessness really really can s$ck. It will pass,,its hard to say everyone is different. Sometimes a few days to a week. There are some good supplements you can try that are over the counter like magnesium and potassium that can help with the RLS,,there is also a supplement called" Hylands restless leg". Thank you for sharing your story we are all here to help support you and help you thru this! ((hugs))~Bkitty

[vicki595]

Hi-

By your own words, you realized you had a "problem" eight years ago. Do you really blame the doctor for this? I'm not sure she deserves to be called a w h o r e...you should have sought help when you knew you needed it, just like the rest of us.

The RLS eventually goes away. It could take two weeks or a few days. No one can tell you specifically. You can treat it effectively with potassium and magnesium tablets twice a day and Hylands Restful Leg tablets. Also, hot soaks in Epsom salt several times a day brings great relief! Good luck!