My boyfriend's Addiction-Worth staying?

[chevychik]

My boyfriend of two years (and childhood friend) is using 180 perc a month plus fentanyl patches and an under the skin pump that pumps morphine to his back injury that is extensive. He's had three back surgeries.  The last one by a butcher who has fled the country for a murder.  I can link that if anyone is interested.  Anyway, his usage has gone from just the pump a year ago to patches and perc's. I don't know much about pills, but I'm a 27 year recovering alcoholic/addict (cocaine). His percs are 325x10.  What does that mean? I don't know. 10mg oxycodin and 325 acetominophen?  

He is now seeking outside his script, but doesn't know that I know. He is exchanging some perc's for adderall (sp?) with his nephew which I think is sick.  Also, this nephew is getting another 80 norcos from some co-worker at his job at about $5.00 each.

Do I leave him? I'm halfway there and have given him an ultimatum to go to rehab or it's over.  All of our childhood friends have encouraged me to end it and let him do his thing. He's been abusing pain pills for years to stay off alcohol which makes him mean and dangerous with driving and cars. I gave him one week to think about it and let me know, but I'm kinda hoping he doesn't want to because he has other kind of immature behaviors that turn me off. There are many things I do love about him, but I'm feeling it best to look elsewhere for a "normie."  

He has it made. He lives in Oregon on a 7 acre property with his nephew in a family home. He pays no rent and lives in a 5th wheel on the property.  He is spending more and more on pills and seems his disability check doesn't last him a month anymore.  

Suggestions?  Do I stay or do I go?  I'm trying to break away and we have been on the "outs" since June 19th.  I've been pushing for answers to questions I have and he has done the passive/aggressive thing by ignoring me.  Found out that he was in withdrawals for two weeks because his nephew's co-worker didn't come thru this month with her norco script.  But then his script day came so he could fill it and voila!!  I got a text.  He lives in Oregon and I live i So. California. So, he can hide his usage.  To think we were talking about marriage and buying a house together with a settlement he's expecting from Workman's Comp.  

Being a 12-stepper I was hoping to raise his bottom and make him choose between pills or me.  I know I will lose, but wanted to give him one last chance to end the relationship instead of me doing it.

He has a very high tolerance for pills and I see his numbers going up and mixing of types of pills.  I hope he does not die.  He is 59 years old. I'm 60.

[chevychik]

Thanks for the good ideas.  Since we don't live together, and never have in our two years together (I'm in So. Calif. and he's in Oregon), it is much easier to end it.  I gave him until this coming Monday to respond and he says he will.  He won't.  He's very passive/aggressive and I understand he's trash talking me because of my attempts at working with him in the relationship with other issues BEFORE I found out how much he was using outside of his script.  He's very insecure and immature for a man his age.  Calling ME jealous and that I say crazy ****, which is bull....

Now I'm pissed that's he's calling me crazy (kind of funny considering how crazy he is) behind my back, etc. So, yeah.  I'm pretty much done with him. If he were to actually respond, which I'm sure he won't, I would respond to him by saying what EVOLVERU offered and that is "I love you, but......" and then list the reasons why I can't.  I'm slowly adjusting to the idea that it's over.  The last few days have revealed more to me after posting on this site and that has told me how much he is using and he's 59 years old. He will never be clean.  He's been doing this for 30 years.  How many years can he go on without killing himself?  Amazing how much the body can take. Plus he smokes. It is so sad how he is destroying himself.  It will be interesting to see what happens this coming week.  I have no intentions of contacting him again if I get no response by Monday.  My daughter and talk about these things and she reminded me that if I end communications first then I keep the power.  I love that.  He knows I have all his personal items packed and ready to deliver to his sister who lives 1/2 hour away from me.  She returns from Hawaii on the 10th of August and I will be visiting with her and giving her Tim's stuff back. She wants to talk to me about this situation I think.  He has my personal stuff and hasn't offered to return them.  Why? Because he knows that means a final end to us.  I know him pretty well.

This forum is awesome, you folks have been very helpful in providing support to those of us who need to vent and get the needed advice that helps us to take care of us instead of user.  Having so many years of sobriety myself (I was much more alcoholic than addict) I have a hard time remembing how hard it was to quit the coke and alcohol. My sober way of life of 27 years is longer than the years I drank and used. But I'm also so attracted to the mood changing, mind altering men.  So, thank you for your responses to my S.O.S.  I surely appreciate it.  

[Merri123]

You are 60 yrs old. You do not need to deal with this and his addiction. I'm sorry but it is time to cut him loose. You can do so much better. You need to enjoy your life not have someone bring you down financially and emotionally.

You deserve a man who you can enjoy life with and will treat you wonderful.

[lynnalb15]

I'm sorry but if it's not mad passionate absolute love love then why stay in the first place? You seem very unsure about him. And I know from first had experience we can trick ourselves into thinking we "love" ssomeone. and if you can't bare the thought of going on without him then stick it out. Otherwise move on. He has a lot to work on himself. And in order to do so he needs space to find himself. Relationships and recovery do not go well together. Not saying it's impossible. But it's not easy.

[EvolverU]

Bravo Weaver! I'd roundly echo everything you said!

Hi there :)

I feel for you. You're in a difficult & heart-rending situation. It'll take real clarity & resolve to do what must be done. Like Weaver above, I can't say what's exactly right for anyone else but here's what my own experience in this area tells me to suggest:

I too would say: 'I Love You' & I'm doing this for both of us. Love means different things at different times. Most of the time, it means being there for & sticking with the person. Unfortunately, in this case, it most likely means stepping out of your comfort zone & doing what your 'heart' says is counter-intuitive. For myself, I came to the conclusion (I had detoxed, my partner had not & was still deep in his addictions) that I was enabling him & putting myself in danger through stress & possibly arrest [just being around him & his patent dishonest] or relapse. The longer I stayed with this person, the more I tried to cajole, give ultimatums & the more he didn't respond, the worse the relationship became. We were strangers in the end. I didn't respect him or myself for staying w/ him. I felt guilty. Sometimes, a long-standing relationship is a habit in itself that we have to break.

You say that he is living rent free & is surrounded by a circle of folks trading scripts. From where I'm sitting, it sounds like he's set himself up in a little hermetically sealed world of drug enablement. It's very possible that continuing to live with him in this environment will reinforce his behavior as your staying = a tacit approval of the situation.

It may be hard but please, please put yourself & your hard-won sobriety first! There's no point 'care-taking' something that can't be taken care of except by him. As you know, he's got to want it & fight for it. Lead by example & help both of you. Best of luck!! :))

[weaver71]

I'd say, "I love you," and you can call me when you decide you want my help to get and stay sober. I can only imagine, but I think it might be something like this, "I've been through my active addiction and got into recovery for a good reasons, I don't want to have the consequences of an active addiction, yours or mine. I know I was the only one who could get my life together and I know you are the only one who can get your life together. There was a time I would have chosen drugs over you, so I understand how you would chose drugs over me, but I have to chose me over drugs. Though I want you in my life, I will choose me over your drugs. I had to hit bottom hard to get clean, so let me know when you hit bottom, I'll be there for you then. I will hold my memories of the real you until then. Please do not try to bring drugs into my life ever again. I will miss you, not the high you, but the real you. I hope you are safe. Goodbye for now."

I can't say what anyone else should do, but it was too hard for me to get sober to have to deal with what drugs bring into relationships, finances, self-esteem, and all of life. It simply wouldn't be worth it, no matter how much I care about someone. This is why I haven't spoken to my father for 3 1/2 years, I am worth more than how the alcoholic, drug addict people I love treat me.

I was a jerk on drugs, not intentionally, but I was very self-centered and out of control. Addiction only gets worse with time, we all know that. If it's bad now, you know it will keep getting worse. Take care of you, you are worth it.

[chevychik]

I don't know why my knowing what types and how many pills he takes makes me focused on him other than that was what I was told and trust my source. I'm focused on him because he's the practicing addict.  But, yes, I'm very familiar with alanon which is why I gave him an ultimatum.  It's my way of bowing out of the relationship by giving him one chance to choose. I have not given him multiple chances or even mentioned what I know about him. I didn't know the "lingo" until recently so I'm fairly ignorant of how much is a lot and how much is still within a reasonable amount of pills that can be stopped.  I've read posts where some folks were eating 1,000 pills a month.  

Anyway, I'm am fairly knowledgeable that I will take second place to his addiction, but the only bargaining tool I had was me.

Kellygirl: Yes, it's been over a month and a half so I've worked through the "breakup" already and I'm over the hump of mourning the loss.  I can't believe how tough it is for pill addicts to get clean compared to other drug addicts. I've seen heroin addicts have a less difficult time getting clean along with alcoholics getting sober.  Thank God I never liked pain pills.  What a waste of a human being. My daughter and I just started on-line Alanon meetings. I've given him one week to respond to my ultimatum, but knew when I sent it he either won't respond by Monday when the week is up or come up with some lie about his use.  Which IS fine actually.  I do understand addiction, but not very savvy about pill usage.  Thanks.

[kellygirll]

I'm sorry but you need to leave him he is very sick with his addiction and if your already on the outs id just continue in that way and get all the way out

[jifmoc]

Hi. Since you know the "lingo" and are an addict yourself, I am gonna give it to you straight: you need to go to Alanon.

You know way, WAY too much about what he is doing. The fact that you know how many and what kind of pills he takes proves that you are completely focusing on him. Instead of your own life.

You also know that as an addict yourself, ultimatums, coaxing, sweet-talking, pressure, threats and promises do not make an addict get sober. He will do it on his own or he won't.

Please look up Alanon! Good luck.