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Avatar universal

44 days off oxycodone

I don't post often. i read all these posts about how wonderful it feels to be clean and I envy them so much. I don't feel wonderful at all. I crave a pill every day and I fight the urge to go get a script. It just started getting really bad last week I keep having the conversation in my head. What are you doing wrong these people are so positive and loving life. This is why I'm not posting much because it feels horrible. i struggle and go to work every day and yes i have had some good days but for the most part the physical c/t detox was a piece of cake compared to this mental torture. For the record yes I am in aftercare and going to meetings AA daily.
I just became a grandmother for the first time held my grandson and i wasn't high but believe me I was thinking about it. i miss the surge of energy the euphoria, i hate mtself for feeling like this.
I flushed my pills on 12/17 because i couldn't stand it one more second and here I am fighting the urge to get more.
I picked up the phone 3x today and almost called my Dr. instead I went to a meeting with my husband and son in law and went to see my grandson.
I keep reading about supplements, I'm taking the protein shakes and vitamins but what is this 5htp i will try anything at this point.
I have no idea who i am right now this is horrible. Are there any supplements that might help. I can't take any anti depressents very bad reaction to them.
Wish i could be joyous and positive but I'd be lying to all of you and myself if I said this was awesome.
I'm only posting this because a few very supportive members that i PM with every day told me I should try and reach out on the boards and that maybe I wasn't alone and not everyone felt great at 44 days off opiates.Whenever i read the posts it seems like people only respond to people going through detox and then after 30 days you should be fine well not so for me.
I am a breast cancer survivor 3 yrs and that fight was nothing compared to this. Sharon Well i gave it a shot i don't usually get any resposes but we'll see, at least I tried, right. miss you Gnarly...
8 Responses
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1909146 tn?1326505708
Hi Sharon,

I just want to say.. you are right about no bed of roses.. We all feel that way.. I only have couple weeks under my belt (from opiates) and I feel like using every day. I cannot get it off my mind.. but I keep myself busy (two jobs and full-time school - online degree) and that helps a lot. When you sit around doing nothing, that's when your mind starts playing tricks on you and you start making excuses to use.. Believe me, I know :-).. we all know.. But I keep going to NA, talk to my sponsor, and I hear from all these adicts that have been clean for two, three, ten, fifteen years, that it never goes away, but it gets better.. You do not have to act on your feelings or obsessions. Just because you feel like getting high, does not mean that you have to act on it. In fact by not acting on it it gives you a feeling of power.. Like.. "It's my decision to not act on this stupid thought today".. And take it one day at a time.. Just for today.. as the basic text of NA says. And also BTW, you know what has really really helped me? I told "on myself" to everyone that could provide drugs.. I even told my dealer: "don't you ever sell me anything, no matter how much I beg, I have a serious addiction problem and I am going to NA. Just tell me you don't have any" .. and my dealer said "not a problem.." and guess what.. You know how many times I have seen her in last two weeks (she works at the same place)? three times a week.. and I could not ask her, because I felt so stupid about telling my own dealer and than having to go to her and try to score drugs after I told her what I told her.. I guess what I am trying to say.. Tell your doctors about your problem and ask them to "be careful" if you ever call them and try to get your script filled.. You will see, it will be much harder to try to actually do that.. Good luck.. to all of us :-)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Don't feel like you can't do it. You have made it 40 days!!!! Stay strong and write or talk everytime you want to use and you will make that 1 year mark
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
Hey sharon I know what you're saying.  I wasn't feeling great at 40 days, in fact I wasn't feeling great at 60 days either.  I don't say this to discourage you - I just wanted to tell you it's not you.  Some of us just take longer to recover.  To tell you the truth, although I did have some experiences with riding that "pink cloud" you hear about, it wasn't until I hit my one year mark did I realize I was finally back to normal (well normal for me anyway).  I think it had something to do with the length of time I was taking the drugs (xanax 12 years and tramadol over 6 years) and factor in my age, that made it such a long road for me.

So I guess look at it this way - the time is going to pass anyway right?  So why not just allow yourself the time to get well even if you're not really feeling it yet, you are getting better.  And not sure if you're taking any other meds, but maybe an AD would help?  I didn't go the prescription route, I took St. John's Wort.  And it was a huge help for me in keeping the sadness at bay, at least for the most part.

And never feel bad about not posting something positive.  That's what this place is for.. to vent and get those feelings out.  Better to talk about it than cover it up with a pill.  So just keep going.  And ride that blind faith for a while longer.  You'll get there.  :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well I'm glad I posted how I'm feeling thanks to all of you. It is awful to feel so alone. All I'm asking for is one glimpse of hope that I will feel better normal or not this I'd really tough. I feel like a whimp posting this but I really need to hear that others felt like this and hownthey through it. I'm on the fence right now and I want to stay on the clean side. I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I flushed my pills because they took my soul. You would think that was enough but here I am fighting this horrible urge ton use. I started out taking them for cancer breast and mastectomy and in the end to get high. No anti depressants can't take them make me suicidal.  Anyone know about some good supplements for the mood swing and what is 5 http?  Thanks for letting me vent. Sharon I want to beat this obsession.
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Sharon...
I sent you a PM and I'm so glad you posted!  Peaks and valleys on the road to recovery and everyone's journey is different.  You are doing all the right things and like everyone said-your brain needs more healing time.  The emotions that come up aren't always pretty and that is OKAY!  You are human!  Go easy on yourself, girl....

Are you getting out and exercising?  It's where I work through a lot of my anger and frustration...I'm even thinking about kick boxing!  Whatever works, right?  What's important is that you do work through the feelings and keep moving...Holding on to emotion in our bodies is what makes us sick.  

Expectation can be a dangerous thing...You think, okay, I survived cancer...I got sober...I have a new grandchild...WTH?  Why don't I feel happy!!!  Give yourself a break and give yourself permission to be angry and sad...It's the only way to move through it and get to the joy...And you will get there, I promise.  We have to learn to crawl before we walk..walk before we run...
Stay the course and again, go easy on yourself.  There is only one you...And YOU are worth it....
Lu
Helpful - 0
1827057 tn?1397520277
It's ok that you don't feel like some of the others.It is ok.I don't feel like the world is shiny and new and full of dancing bears etc. etc.   You do need some time and 44 days is good but give it another 44 and you will feel a certain percentage better than you feel today.Just hang in there and keep going.I have ok days and some really not ok days.Just try to feel somewhat content on these ok days and hopeful for better ones.If you use you may as well throw the hopeful out the window because things don't get better they get worse.Great job on the 44 days be proud of it!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi, Sharon--it sounds like you are doing everything right. May I ask if you were taking your drug of choice for the high or was it prescribed for a physical problem? If it was for the high, could it be you need an antidepressant, or maybe one-one-one aftercare by a professional in addition to what you are already doing? Did you have a history of depression prior to your drug habit? If it was for pain, you would need to talk to your doctor about pain management, as unaddressed pain causes all kinds of problems.
Each person's journey to being clean/sober is a little different. It is quite normal to be depressed and wonder when it'll get better and is it even worth it, sometimes for quite awhile. You must be patient as you can and believe it will get better---because it really does get better. Treat youself as gently and as generously as your new grandson, because in the eyes of God, you are equally precious. Please keep posting so we can help. I wish you the very best--enjoy that grandbaby!
Helpful - 0
1959859 tn?1331741157
Hi Sharon.  I am on Day 36 and honestly, my mood thing comes and goes. One day I feel great (like today) and others I feel depressed and have panic attacks.  Like last Friday.  I had to talk myself off the ledge of running to a clinic and getting pills.   I made it through but my addict self was not happy with my clean self.  

From what I understand, it takes time to get through the mental part.  Our brains are rewiring themselves and having to reproduce the natural chemicals that the pills destroyed.

It is not a cakewalk, but I do feel better knowing that I am no longer a zombie that is spending $1500 a month on pills by going to 5 different doctors.  i am now spending that money on my kids and saving a lot of it.

It will get better, I promise.
Helpful - 0
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