7 years ago tonight....

[motye51]

I was sitting at a New Year's Eve party by myself trying to figure out how I was going to pay for my daughter's wedding. My daughter got engaged on Christmas Eve and had done everything I asked her to do with the promise of a whopper wedding. It wasn't a lot I asked....just all the things I didn't do!!! Finish high school (no GED), go to college and don't get pregnant before marriage. Sure as ****....she did it. Now was the time for me to put up or shutup! The sheriff's office had served me foreclosure papers on my home, I owed 7 years of back taxes, my business was hanging on by a thread and my habit was taking about $2500 a month.
I ran out of excuses. I couldn't blame everyone and everything anymore. I will never fully know what made me see the big picture that night or gave me the strength to do what I did, but I will forever be grateful.
Tomorrow makes 7 years since I started this journey and I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. With the help of the people on this site, my family (that stood by me the entire time including picking me up off the shower floor and cleaning up the self-defecation that happened) and N/A I am still clean.

I couldn't be happier with where my life is now compared to the numb and miserable merry go round of addiction! Today, I am ok with me and my goal every day is just to not pick up. It's the best decision I ever made.

[my_mayberry]

Thanks for sharing this, and so glad you have found your path. I remain clean of pills, but did end up drinking last night. I do not consider myself an alcoholic, but instead a person who struggles with addiction and alcohol has been problematic at certain times in my life, especially the past year. So, I'd been hoping to not drink at all, but I didn't make it through NYE sober. My hope is that it will simply be the way I exited 2020 and I'm hoping 2021 will be totally substance free!

[motye51]

NOT pushing N/A but one of the things I liked was where it takes the emphasis off of a specific drug and moves it over to the real issue which is me. Alcohol is a drug just like pills, just like heroin, etc....it's mood altering.
I was asked early on why I can't just sit with me.....and I was like wtf are you talking about...lol
The problem was with me....I couldn't be with me, sober (clean) for any length of time b/c I didn't like me!
What I'm reading in what you wrote sounds like the idea of surrendering ALL is what your fighting with, which is pretty normal. I think, in my case, I just got tired of trying to control it! It was freakin exhausting! And I didn't surrender my strength, I surrendered my addiction. Big difference.
BTW....I'm just passing on what worked for me so please don't take it as me trying to force anything. This is just what's worked for me!
Keep posting.....

[my_mayberry]

Yeah, in the past I used to think that sober time would somehow translate to no longer being an addict. However, that's not how addiction works. I majored in psychology in undergrad and took as many courses as I could on addiction. It's very common for the root of addiction to be in some sort of trauma, which is true for me. This past year and a half, I've started actually trying to get at that root with trauma therapy. It has helped a lot. It connects to what you said about being able to sit in a room alone - well, for me, that's often just fine. I spend a lot of time alone and most of the time, it's good. However, sometimes it's NOT okay. Then I start reaching out to coping mechanisms, which has historically been a pill or a drink, or even both. But you're also right about AA. One thing that makes it not the best fit for me is that focus on alcohol. For me, that's only one way in which I go about satisfying the 'itch' for intoxication. But for now, I go only to AA because my group is a Lambda group, so it's full of LGBTQIA+ folks and that has been more important to me than some of the language they use about addiction, which doesn't resonate so much with me. I do think I'm eventually going to try NA, though. I think it'll probably be helpful! And I appreciate you sharing your experiences. Especially this time of year, because it's hard! :)

[jifmoc]

Girrrl! Congratulations on your 7!!! That is freaking amazing. I'm right behind you at 6 years and 7 mos. Remember counting days on this site? Whew. Rough times. Anyway, I'm glad I opened the email from Medhelp, ha ha and saw that it was your special day.  Bummer about this site hanging on by a thread. Hopefully it will change.

To Mayberry: I'm in AA and guess what my drug of choice is? Opiates! And I barely touched alcohol (because it would ruin my high, Hellllloooooo!) Like Motye wrote, the substance is irrelevant, we use anything to escape from our reality. My old sponsor used to say to me, "Your alcohol was in a little white pill." It's ALL the same. We don't have a drinking problem, we have a thinking problem.

Congrats again, Motye!!

[motye51]

Thank you....it's good to see you!

[my_mayberry]

"To Mayberry: I'm in AA and guess what my drug of choice is? Opiates! And I barely touched alcohol"... yes! My attraction to benzos and barbiturates lands in the same ballpark as alcohol, but they're definitely not the same. I used to feel weird about that because while I've had problems with alcohol, the real issue has historically been pills. But at least with the group I attend, it seems to be a good fit and I've found others who have struggled with the whole variety of addictive things but pick AA as their main recovery option. :)

[dominosarah]

Im always late to the party!!  Congrats on those 7 yrs!!  Seems like yesterday.  Time seems to be going by so fast now~

[motye51]

"Tardy for the Party".....................lmao............I know, totally lame......