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511488 tn?1214620496

A BIG OOPS. . . I am a terrible person

Just had a major oops.  Here I was on day 4 of cold turkey and not doing TOO bad.  My sister stopped by to wish me a happy belated birthday and noticed that I wasn't "feeling good".  She asked what was wrong and I told her that I had a little bug and was just feeling rundown, tired and achy.  She then offered me 5 (10mg) Norco to take if and when I needed them (I didn't even know that she TOOK anything like that).  Of course, being the WEAK-MINDED and STUPID person that I am, I took them and downed all of them right in front of her.  She looked at me like I was mental (wouldn't you?).  After she left, I felt SOOO bad, I went into the bathroom to try and make myself sick, but couldn't.  I called her and told her EVERYTHING that was going on with me (addiction, w/d's). She said that she wouldn't have gave them to me had she known (duh?).  Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? Now someone is in on my "secret addiction".  WHY am I such an IDIOT?  How come I am unable to say no?  What the **** is wrong w/ me that I can't say a simple NO?  What a ******* *******. . .now I am back to square one. . .tomorrow will be day ONE all over again.  Has this happened to anyone? Or am I alone in feeling like a completer LOSER. . . Please don't think too much less of me. . .
27 Responses
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437280 tn?1225517803
Sorry to take so long.  Turns out they changed the name.

Northern Michigan Substance Abuse Services 1-800-686-0749

Again, they provide FREE services.

Best of luck to you,

Kelleen
Helpful - 0
516887 tn?1214532567
I thought I was the only one!
After 30-50mg of Methadone a day, on top of any type of hydrocone i could get my hands on i decided to detox & "get clean".
I took a thursday & friday off from work (my last two sick days) and proceded to "sit in".
on the fourth day(Sunday) i woke up feeling like death was upon me.
I knew there was no way this was working & told myself the same thing:"how could i be so stupid"
Luckily my girlfriend told me how proud she was of me & how even if i went back on the pills she knew i was trying & wanted to stop.
She told me to go to the hospital but there was no way that was going to happen!
I knew that in order to go back to work i HAD to get some & fast! So i proceeded to hunt my fix.
That day was a turning point for me. since then i've managed to settle for LESS mg a day!
Now that in itself is an acheivement!
I searched for a SUBOXONE Doc. & found one.
Next Thursday i start induction. This is the path to the real life i left over ten years ago.
I know i could be jumping from the fire into the flame again but i'm determined to live an opiate free life eventually.
The point is Meg, Your'e NOT stupid! relapse isn't failure! You realize detox is what you need and want it!
That is a gift not everyone in the chains of addiction want to admit!
Remember, Your'e a Human Being with a real brain disease(addiction)
and if your'e strong enough to admit that, well, You can do anything!
You can do it! Good Luck!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
you are doing GREAT, girlfriend, just get back in there and keep on doin' what you'd been doin'!!!!  no biggie....one little slip up does not a failure make....you HAVE succeeded and  you're doin' well....in fact, you're doin' awesome.....LOVE cadillac's post and LOVE his humor, too :-)  it's needed here soooooooooooooooo much.....glad you were able to take it and see the humor, too :-)  

best of luck to you, keep plugging away, and you WILL make it....

love & blessings to ya,
kim
Helpful - 0
437280 tn?1225517803
I'm so sorry. I've got my treatment folder here but no phone number for that service.  I will call my counselor on Tuesday morning and he will know.  I'll post as soon as I have the info.  I went through Munson's outpatient (I did inpatient in 1996-that was like camp. I needed to figure out how to stay clean "while on the outside").  There are a couple other inpatient programs in town as well and I know most of the patients can't pay.  There are a lot of people who come from down state to get away from their drug sources.  There are probably waiting lists.

I'll  get back with you ASAP
Helpful - 0
437280 tn?1225517803
I have a resource for you.  It's too early too go rummaging through my closet while my husband sleeps but I will find it as soon as he gets up.  It's a 1-800 # for MI residents-you set up an appt for a phone interview about your history of abuse.  They determine what level of care you need including inpatient detox then tell you where to go and for how long they will pay for it.  

I went through intensive outpatient treatment;3 hrs/night-5 nights/week for 4 weeks; followed by weeks of aftercare.  There were individual, group and family sessions.  Of course, additional attendance at 12 step meetings was required.  It's been since 2001 but I think my out of pocket expense was around $100.  

Medical detox is a possibility and while I think remembering the pain of withdrawal  helps me to stay clean they can help to minimize the symptoms using tapering and muscle relaxants, etc.

I recently had to have surgery for breast cancer and had to use pain medication.  I was very upfront with my Dr's.  We were careful to wean me down in strength and frequency until I no longer required more than Motrin.  I kept my meds where my husband could monitor them and documented every pill I took.

It's hard to separate what we do from who we are.  Try to remember that addiction is a  disease and as a result our thought processes and decisions are diseased.  Rarely can this disease be fought alone.  Let me help you find some help.  In the mean time, find some meetings and keep talking to people on line.

I'll get that phone # to you ASAP.  They may not be open this weekend though.

Kelleen
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
at this point meg...i dont think i would go back and taper anyway...just pick up where u left off...u will beat this
Helpful - 0
511488 tn?1214620496
Thanks for all the influx of support from you all - it is very encouraging to know that so many people have also fallen and gotten back up.

Meg
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just like everyone has said....get back in the saddle girl!!! We have all been there..Take it as a learning experience...A secret addiction is even easier to keep doing...let someone else now..one thing about that is...you find out who your friends REALLY are...and that is ok...we all need a little help now and again..don't beat yourself up..everyone has screwed up.andif they don't admit it..they are lying...it might take a life time...but don't give up..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
do you have any access to any source?  if you do, buy 5 pills.  then give them to a friend you trust w/ your life.  have them broken into halves or quarters and ONLY take one when the **** has got u at the end of your rope and then not again.

find some way to sleep, ambien, anything that can put you out for most of the day.  let your body handle the w/d while it's asleep and u can't feel anything.  i know u lack the discipline so get help...get someone to impose it on you.

NOTHING anyone fkin says, I know how u feel, is going to tell your body to not feel the CT symptoms.  They're real and they fking hurt.  Even as a chipper, baby, i know exactly what you are going thru b/c i've done it myself a dozen times, gone off then come back on.  the w/d literature says EXACTLY that....the w/d symptoms are total hell but they are dramatically reversed with a simple application of more narcotics.  

i've found that even a 1/4 pill will take the severe edge off of the w/d.  that's got to be your goal right now is to find a dose that gets u out of agony.  there is no courage or sanity in going CT...it's just masochism.  find a way to taper, no matter what.  beg your sister and ask her to help you.  let someone help who can bring the discipline that u are lacking.

wth is NA gonna tell u..."yeah, i know how you feel, it'll go away." is that supposed to make your body shake out of the sweats, the tremors, the inability to sleep, the depression?  nothing anyone can say can eliminate the REAL physical effects of this drug.  so use the drug to beat the drug.  taper your doses, hold out until u are dying and then take a 1/4 pill or 1/2 a pill, NOT something to get high but something to just decrease the w/d.  you WILL feel better even if the w/d doesn't totally go away.  it'll just improve it.  then pray to god to make it to tomorrow without going back and tell your help to not give u another 1/4 hit until tomorrow or later.  this thing is bigger than just one person, only the really exceptional are going to make it off without blowing up as you did.

be honest with urself and the people who love u. don't be ashamed.  rush limbaugh is a narc addict.  the founder of John's Hopkins was a narc addict.  this happens to people all over the world and from all walks of life.  there is no shame in it...the CHEMISTRY of the opium poppy is intended to cause dependency.  it did to u what it evolved over millions of years precisely to do and you are not a bad person for succumbing to what the entire adult population of China did at one point.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Great post Cadillac. Meg, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. We all have experience falling off the wagon.  So you screwed up??? No big deal. You have the determination to hike up your skirt and get back on track. Don't beat yourself up hon. Just get back to where you were.  You are very strong and you can do it !!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
AA and NA are free.
Helpful - 0
511488 tn?1214620496
i don't have the option of tapering, because my doc won't give me ANYTHING. . . and i don't think i would have the self control to be able to take only this many on this day and then this many on the next and so on. . .well, today just proves that i think.
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
I think they were speaking of NA and AA...both are free....it seems people are under the assumption that u have to pay to go to the meetings and u do not...there is an NA website and phone number to find a meeting near u...they are all over the place...my city is not very big and they have meetings somewhaere at every time of every day here...some around the corner from me
as far as slamming the 5 pills....well u screwed up...but it is not the end of ur plan...it is actually part of the process and in a way it makes u understand ur addiction and how it overtakes the brain and makes us....kinda stupid and stuff...and in a way this is positive cos now ur sister can help u and be there for u...just get back on track....easier said than done but go back to ur plan
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
don't go turkey. turkey sucks even for a chipper. taper. i know the feeling, you get off for a bit and then there they are. taking another one SOLVES the godawful pain of w/d

so you took some, now you have to start again.  everyone has been down this road
Helpful - 0
382594 tn?1266610613
Just move forward from here. You have been doing great and you can keep it up. Don't let this hiccup deter you from your goal of recovery. I can speak for myself in saying that I have done the same thing as you. Heck, if someone offered me some vic's right now I would have to damn near chop off my hand to keep from accepting them.  I'm almost 4 months clean but there are those days.

Don't beat yourself up. Just pick yourself up and keep on keeping on.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Meg - not only has that happenned to someone....it has probably happenned to about everyone here....we used to have a saying...aint no big thing - just drive on. Its a learning experience - just use it that way......you can do this -
Helpful - 0
488766 tn?1306105169
If you can let more people know if you feel ok w/ that,it will help you be more accountable. I sure have a hard time saying no also,when it comes to this so you are not alone,I think that is one thing we all here have in common. Just keep posting everyone will walk you through.  we are all w/ you
Helpful - 0
512528 tn?1212463501
Please don't beat yourself up. You have to be stronger than GOD to be able to beat an addiction by yourself, and NOBODY is that strong! I was sober for 3 years with the help of an inpatient detox program, then I relapsed. Please try and get as much support as you can, and forget today when tomorrow comes. ONE DAY AT A TIME! I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts! Let me know if you need anything!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hey girly, you are NOT a loser, go back to my first post on here, that was what my post was entitled.  I am still in a relapse trying to get the knowledge and strength to really quit and feel incredibly guilty and shameful but am truly trying to work through the issues as to why I use, besides chronic pain.  Use me as a lesson and don't take anymore! You can do this, you ARE doing this and like so many people responded to me at the time it is just a bump in the road.  I wish that I had the courage to let someone, anyone know about "my little secret" and I definately think that is to your benefit.  I have been gaining strength from you even though you don't know it, we have alot of similarities.  Just pick yourself up and carry on :)
Helpful - 0
511488 tn?1214620496
addictedme: where is after-care free? i don't know of anywhere that hands out free anything to anybody - i guess i haven't researched it thoroughly enough.

cadillac: thank you for your humor (it is a virtue that i don't have nearly often enough), i know i need to get over it, i just was doing so well all things considered.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
dial-a-punch ain't free, but i got a few bucks.

cj
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Avatar universal
After care is free
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Please don't beat yourself up so bad over this! You are human and you are an addict. It happens and like I said in your journal please use this as a learning experience. I am really glad to see you shared your addiction with your sister. I think that will help you alot in your recovery. Quit pondering on this one mistake and keep going don't let this totally set you back! Let it go ok? You are going to beat this!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
So; one day you took some pills that were handed to you..... Get over it, alright? It ain't going to kill you, and your body has had some time to detox, before you took them. Don't sweat it. Just don't do it again. or I'll send a friend of mine from dial-a-punch to come visit you. Get up, keep going.
Helpful - 0
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