Aa
Addict behavior, relatable?
hi angels!....I've never posted on this new format before. ........I woke this morning (3am), alone in my home, except for the animals of course. Hub went to work at midnight.
Holy Cheese! We got about a foot of snow. Why I'm talking about this is that one of the first things I thought of when I realized that yes, I was home alone, on a farm, I don't drive, no vehicle here anyway, snowed in. ........I thought to myself......Jesus......I am so grateful, relieved, humbled by the fact that I'm not "obsessing, freaking out, worrying", etc. about if I have enough pills. ........oh my god ...,,,,what if I run out of pills, how am I going to get more pills, what if I can't get more pills, what will I do, will I get sick, omg, I'm scared, I can't go through this now, .....panic mode. I can't tell you how many times this has happened .......you all know right?
Ya, over 20 years of that nonsense. Thank you Cheese, thank you MH Angels, without faith and this site's support, I could have never broken the cycle.
So newbies, welcome.....know that this is a wonderful place to begin your new journey. Ooodles of support and golden advice from many who've gone or are going through the same sitch. Know that detoxing the drugs from our bodies is the easy, relatively quick part....the hard part is staying in that positive headspace after we get the drugs out of our bodies.
You'll see it over and over again, (if you hang around long enough), peeps don't get the aftercare they need to stay drug free. So they relapse. Most of us that get tangled in the romance of drugging our probs away.....have underlying "issues" to begin with and sometimes without even knowing it...we self medicate.
Well, "issues" don't just go away by themselves....ever. This is why aftercare is so important. Aftercare can come in many forms; not all are suited for everyone. Subjective. "
....I know this wasn't a question ...but I haven't been around much as I haven't felt I've had a lot to offer. So this morning when I was poked in my memory bones and remembered how awful those feelings of fear and sickness and obsession were, always, but worse in situations of "no control".....I wanted to share.....I think all of us can relate on some level.
Love you guys, thank you again......Spider hugs...((((8))))
Holy Cheese! We got about a foot of snow. Why I'm talking about this is that one of the first things I thought of when I realized that yes, I was home alone, on a farm, I don't drive, no vehicle here anyway, snowed in. ........I thought to myself......Jesus......I am so grateful, relieved, humbled by the fact that I'm not "obsessing, freaking out, worrying", etc. about if I have enough pills. ........oh my god ...,,,,what if I run out of pills, how am I going to get more pills, what if I can't get more pills, what will I do, will I get sick, omg, I'm scared, I can't go through this now, .....panic mode. I can't tell you how many times this has happened .......you all know right?
Ya, over 20 years of that nonsense. Thank you Cheese, thank you MH Angels, without faith and this site's support, I could have never broken the cycle.
So newbies, welcome.....know that this is a wonderful place to begin your new journey. Ooodles of support and golden advice from many who've gone or are going through the same sitch. Know that detoxing the drugs from our bodies is the easy, relatively quick part....the hard part is staying in that positive headspace after we get the drugs out of our bodies.
You'll see it over and over again, (if you hang around long enough), peeps don't get the aftercare they need to stay drug free. So they relapse. Most of us that get tangled in the romance of drugging our probs away.....have underlying "issues" to begin with and sometimes without even knowing it...we self medicate.
Well, "issues" don't just go away by themselves....ever. This is why aftercare is so important. Aftercare can come in many forms; not all are suited for everyone. Subjective. "
....I know this wasn't a question ...but I haven't been around much as I haven't felt I've had a lot to offer. So this morning when I was poked in my memory bones and remembered how awful those feelings of fear and sickness and obsession were, always, but worse in situations of "no control".....I wanted to share.....I think all of us can relate on some level.
Love you guys, thank you again......Spider hugs...((((8))))
Yes, great post, J. I feel like that with my smoking quit. Sitting in a hosp for 4mos, I was just so darn grateful not to be feeling cravings every 15mins, or worrying whether or not I had my cigarettes, or when and where I would be able to smoke next. An enormous relief to be rid of that.
1 Comments
Hope you are feeling better.
awesome post. I agree with you so much. I spent too many years doing just that. It has been almost 5 years and I so grateful to the ones here that supported me.
Well done my sister! Inspiring war battles you have overcame & been victorious! Not enough of these out there, thats for damn sure! Gives me hope, in this moment anyways! Much appreciated fpr the time you chose to take & share on here! Much love my sister! Stay blessed & stay the course! This sister tryin to ride some of her biggest waves yet & ready to....well, just not say thats where I'm at yet again! Not sure where I want these waves to take me yet. But damn gettin to old for this ish.
Hey gnarly, well before I get to my own issues (as I just found site & signed up, less than few minutes ago,) I want to simply comment on your sharing and first let me say thank you for choosing to share as our experiences as I think feel times we decide to use to help oursrlves but yet others too by sharing our war stories & battles overcame or yet to fight even, does reach & help more than we can imagine. With all that said, you stated you know it & use the program & work it (na) So...:).....my brother, I want to say to you, the small comment where you said you may have one more run in u, but don't see another detox battle in u that u can go thru. (not word for word, I know, but general mssg I took away, & trying to make my point simple & sweet but not happening! Anyways, that hit me the wrong way, as I feel you are giving urself the ok for another run, as you envision it already right? Then you are jumping ahead to that fun ending & then giving urself the ok to not getting back on course & assuming your last run will end you up in the full detox war we all know to well. BIG MISTAKE MY BROTHER! Don't let yourself envision those things, you know our minds are not our biggest supporters to stay on the right course! Putting negative scenerios out there like that is so very damaging & just scary as to it becoming reality just over seeing it & speaking it, to us 'fiends'! Be proud of your last run at it & all you overcame after. Don't see anything into tomorrow, tonight, hell in a hour, take it one day at a time for me usually one minute at a time currently as this 'fiend' is praying my last run is coming to an end but terrified of whats ahead if I choose to detox even, myself, honestly speaking! Stay blessed & please know as most of us that choose to take the time to comment on a share, its only out of love from this sister in the big waves herself telling her brother to stay on the shore if possible & enjoy all the waves you rode already!
Hello fellow travelers.
I too have not been on here in some time.
Happy to report I'm totally clean and sober. And if it wasn't having found this forum, I'm not sure I'd be alive today. Some of you may remember me, strung out on fentynal , massive amounts of other opiates, and benzos and no treatment facility that would take me. I had only here to turn to.
As my Dr had no clue how to help me get off the Fentynal other than offering methadone which I declined knowing I would have to then get off that.
I found people here who have gotten off of these horrible substances, gone cold turkey, told me what to exspect, how to handle the w/d symtoms. And how to nurse my body back to health as the mind later followed. Several of you were absolute Angels !
My detox was horrendous, but it needed to be for me, because I had relasped so any times back into addiction. That I needed to experince that pure hell , I was done. My addiction got different over the years, terrifyingly different, and I wasn't getting any younger. I was going to die an active addict as I struggled to recover from each relasp that was so much worse each time.
And reading this post nearly two years clean and sober, that hell wasn't any where close to the hell of being in active addiction. The fear of scheduling refill dates, terrified around the holidays, fears of traveling at refill time. And the sheer terror of abusing my scripts and then running out. My life was constant anxiety over opiates and the need to function on them.
I've had periods of clean time, even my first which was eleven years. And the only place I ever stayed clean was when I was active in my recovery thru the rooms of AA/NA. And I can't count the programs, detoxes, and phyc units I frequented only to use again over the 17 years after my first relasp to try to get and stay clean.
Today I'm close to 2 years totally substance free, and doing well. And I have not had a single urge to pick up again.
I " NEVER " want to go thru the hell it took to get upright ever again, plus not sure I could physically withstand another detox like this last one.
I've learned to alternatively deal with my ligit pain issues, I'm fully employed again. I don't live in the bubble consistency of the four walls I lived in for years. I do groovy things with way groovy people in my life who are living a free and clean life.
It's not always a life of rainbows and unicorns, I have my days. But my worst day clean doesn't come close to my worst days in active addiction. Sometimes it's still emotionally a moment at a time.
But I get up every day grateful even for the tough days.
Today my life is a life is lived half full vs half empty and there's always something to be thankful for. And if that's as good as it gets.
I'll take it ... I'm educated enough to know that years of abuse has taken its toll, and the few issues I deal with are manageable. And will get better.
So thank you Spider6 for reminding me today how far I've come, and how freeing it is to be clean and sober today.
If your journey into this new life is just beginning, just make that decision to be done and hang in there.
It's an amazing journey back to self.
Peace & Love brothers and sisters
Dmille
I too have not been on here in some time.
Happy to report I'm totally clean and sober. And if it wasn't having found this forum, I'm not sure I'd be alive today. Some of you may remember me, strung out on fentynal , massive amounts of other opiates, and benzos and no treatment facility that would take me. I had only here to turn to.
As my Dr had no clue how to help me get off the Fentynal other than offering methadone which I declined knowing I would have to then get off that.
I found people here who have gotten off of these horrible substances, gone cold turkey, told me what to exspect, how to handle the w/d symtoms. And how to nurse my body back to health as the mind later followed. Several of you were absolute Angels !
My detox was horrendous, but it needed to be for me, because I had relasped so any times back into addiction. That I needed to experince that pure hell , I was done. My addiction got different over the years, terrifyingly different, and I wasn't getting any younger. I was going to die an active addict as I struggled to recover from each relasp that was so much worse each time.
And reading this post nearly two years clean and sober, that hell wasn't any where close to the hell of being in active addiction. The fear of scheduling refill dates, terrified around the holidays, fears of traveling at refill time. And the sheer terror of abusing my scripts and then running out. My life was constant anxiety over opiates and the need to function on them.
I've had periods of clean time, even my first which was eleven years. And the only place I ever stayed clean was when I was active in my recovery thru the rooms of AA/NA. And I can't count the programs, detoxes, and phyc units I frequented only to use again over the 17 years after my first relasp to try to get and stay clean.
Today I'm close to 2 years totally substance free, and doing well. And I have not had a single urge to pick up again.
I " NEVER " want to go thru the hell it took to get upright ever again, plus not sure I could physically withstand another detox like this last one.
I've learned to alternatively deal with my ligit pain issues, I'm fully employed again. I don't live in the bubble consistency of the four walls I lived in for years. I do groovy things with way groovy people in my life who are living a free and clean life.
It's not always a life of rainbows and unicorns, I have my days. But my worst day clean doesn't come close to my worst days in active addiction. Sometimes it's still emotionally a moment at a time.
But I get up every day grateful even for the tough days.
Today my life is a life is lived half full vs half empty and there's always something to be thankful for. And if that's as good as it gets.
I'll take it ... I'm educated enough to know that years of abuse has taken its toll, and the few issues I deal with are manageable. And will get better.
So thank you Spider6 for reminding me today how far I've come, and how freeing it is to be clean and sober today.
If your journey into this new life is just beginning, just make that decision to be done and hang in there.
It's an amazing journey back to self.
Peace & Love brothers and sisters
Dmille
COMMUNITY LEADER
I too think about all the what if's and then i look around and realize i wouldnt have what i do now. I am right where i am supposed to be. I was born a hippie child and i am finding my way back to that, minus the lingo, but the peacefulness, nature(mother earth) etc. I cant do all the things i used to do physically either but who cares! Let the young ones do all the hard work. We have earned that right to sit back and take it all in. My drug addiction took me into the depths of he!! and my recovery introduced me to such serenity filled with so many special people. It doesnt get any "groovier" than that!! lol
Hi spider....great post.....im grateful to be here grateful to be here clean I to thank God that I no longer obsesses over how many pills I have....it was a living nightmare going into withdrawal every 6 hours I to wish I never picked up ... I feel we open up parts of our brain that
''normies'' never feel.... I also feel that living on methadone for 7yrs has done eareversable damage to my brain....wile on the crap I use to get a long 8 to 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep now years later im lucky to get 6 hours coincidence...I dont think so.. all i know is im a addict threw and threw I work the N/A progam and live in recovery now
some times I wounder if I could just stop the progam after all these years and live a life like a ''normie'' but I have seen so many people try it and wind up going back out there....I may have another run left in me but I doubt I have another detox left in me so for now I will continue hitting 3 to 4 meetings a week....''it works if you work it'' even for a old dope fiend like me...........Gnarly
''normies'' never feel.... I also feel that living on methadone for 7yrs has done eareversable damage to my brain....wile on the crap I use to get a long 8 to 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep now years later im lucky to get 6 hours coincidence...I dont think so.. all i know is im a addict threw and threw I work the N/A progam and live in recovery now
some times I wounder if I could just stop the progam after all these years and live a life like a ''normie'' but I have seen so many people try it and wind up going back out there....I may have another run left in me but I doubt I have another detox left in me so for now I will continue hitting 3 to 4 meetings a week....''it works if you work it'' even for a old dope fiend like me...........Gnarly
Yes this is a nice post!
I have SO much that rattles on between my ears. NOW this is just the way I feel. I was talking with my Hub this AM and discussed this with him. I have a hard time with the energy thing. I know after 3&1/2 yrs it has nothing to do with mental w/ds anymore. Most of my life I was looking for something to get me going, wired up or buzzed up to get everything and anything done. NOW I have to realize I am going to be 60 in May. Also, I believe, with all of my heart and soul, that I would of been feeling so much better if I would of NEVER touched drugs of any kind. Sometimes I feel broken and not in my brain but my body. I just wish I could touch all the young ones that are going down this road. When we get older we really do feel the outcome of it all. Sorry for high-jacking your post, but I was going to journal and now I will not. I also believe, I have this CAD because of drugs and no one can tell me any thing different. DRUGS & BOOZE will break you in half sooner or later. Thanks for all the Support YOU have given me along this Journey. Bless U always our 8 legged Spider.
Vickie
I have SO much that rattles on between my ears. NOW this is just the way I feel. I was talking with my Hub this AM and discussed this with him. I have a hard time with the energy thing. I know after 3&1/2 yrs it has nothing to do with mental w/ds anymore. Most of my life I was looking for something to get me going, wired up or buzzed up to get everything and anything done. NOW I have to realize I am going to be 60 in May. Also, I believe, with all of my heart and soul, that I would of been feeling so much better if I would of NEVER touched drugs of any kind. Sometimes I feel broken and not in my brain but my body. I just wish I could touch all the young ones that are going down this road. When we get older we really do feel the outcome of it all. Sorry for high-jacking your post, but I was going to journal and now I will not. I also believe, I have this CAD because of drugs and no one can tell me any thing different. DRUGS & BOOZE will break you in half sooner or later. Thanks for all the Support YOU have given me along this Journey. Bless U always our 8 legged Spider.
Vickie
1 Comments
Oh Vickie honey ....you couldn't "hijack",....... your words are too valued. I am going through the same thing right now also girl. I'll be 57 next month and I'm only now getting that I just can't DO what I used to do. Coming to terms with mortality and only recently experiencing real emotion since 1974, all at the same time is a bummer. But, like you I'm working on it. I often joke with my friend how much better functioning my brain would be, if I never took a drug in my life.......ya, I could be a freakin rocket scientist, who knows?.....but then I remember that we have lived the life we do, to learn what's needed most in our soul's advancement. All the drama comes from ego. Le sigh....it is never satisfied, or at peace. You've touched so many peeps lives Vicky, and you wouldn't have been able to do that in the organic way you have, if you'd never had the "drug" influence. Just keep shining the way you do..."life is what happens while we're busy making other plans" (John Lennon ?)....enjoy the moment of now. Bless xoxo
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